Chapter 14

Disclaimer: Really this again uuuuuuuugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh….NO

Reviews:

Forever South: Yeah… All I can say about random ideas is… THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GET RANDOM IDEAS! It is a very bad thing… sometimes… maybe… at least I am not the only one to get them. And good I am glad the cliff hangers don't bother people… I think they can be fun… And this reply seems shorter too… wonder why?... :P Thanks for the review!

AN

Sorry I didn't update yesterday… yeah… oh well… I FINALLY was able to make myself sit down and write… Anyway here is the new chapter and PLEASE PLEASE vote on the poll! I need more votes if I ever am going to decide what story to do! Thanks and enjoy.

Lovino's POV

Antonio sat there, staring at him, waiting for him to speak, to give his explanation. Lovino knew that, he could feel his eyes on the back of his head, but even then he couldn't bring himself to do it. No matter what he said or thought he just couldn't force the words. He was afraid what would happen if he did. 'What if he just freaks out screams that I am screwed up and leaves? He wouldn't be the first…' Lovino mentally smacked himself 'So what if he does, I don't need him. I didn't need any of those bastards…' No matter how hard he tried he couldn't even convince himself. But, if he couldn't do that, how was he supposed to convince Antonio?

Antonio kept sitting there patiently. Lovino kept struggling to find his words. Antonio eventually spoke up, "Are you afraid to tell me?" It was almost inaudible, a whisper but in Lovino's ear it felt like a siren. With those words the pristine silence was shattered and there was no more wall for Lovino to hide behind. 'Shit' was the only word he could think before his head moved without permission. Nodding a single yes for an answer. "Why?" there was continued silence, "Why are you afraid to tell me?" Antonio's words were whispered. Like he was afraid of the answer he would get. As afraid of the answer as Lovino was.

It took a while longer, what felt like hours but was actually only close to a minute before Lovino could voice what he wanted to say. "You're just like them…" he mumbled incoherently and hung his head trying to hold in the tears.

When he offered no more detail on the topic Antonio was forced to ask, "Just like who?"

Lovino looked up with red-rimmed eyes and croaked out one word before his tears fell, "Everyone." He mentally kicked himself, he had never let anyone behind his wall until now. Now why now!? He couldn't understand but he knew he wasn't giving more information on that subject no matter how much Antonio pleaded.

Antonio's POV

Antonio's eyes grew at the word. Obviously the reason behind Lovino's words was fear of being hurt. Antonio asked who because he needed to know who hurt his Lovi, he needed to know who not to be. But that, the everyone shocked him, scared him even. How could Lovi fear everyone? What had this world done to cause him that much pain? Antonio panicked and pleaded with him, trying to understand this reasoning, this fear. It did not work.

Lovino sat there silently until it became too much then he broke, "I am not telling you! Just shut up you idiot! It isn't anything to concern yourself with okay!?"

Antonio was frightened with Lovino's sudden panic, he knew he wasn't a particularly kind individual, but this level of anger was new. "Okay… I won't push you to…" he was afraid of what would happen if he tried to force him to talk. He didn't want to take any risks and just wanted to calm the Italian down, "But if you want to talk I will listen…" he picked up Lovino's hand and the owner tried to yank it away but quickly learned it was useless and dropped the bundle of hands to the bed.

Lovino's POV

Lovino stared at the man in front of him feeling anger swell in his chest. He couldn't believe him. He couldn't tell him anything. He couldn't tell anyone anything. No matter how much he wanted to. That was leading to the anger. Not anger at Antonio or the situation anymore. This anger was directed inward, at himself, his own stupidity and everything it had caused. He looked down and saw his captured hand panicking trying to free himself. He wasn't used to the comfort and he didn't want it.

He then remembered. He promised Antonio he was going to explain himself. He had to explain the situation and would watch as Antonio walked out of his life forever… He didn't know how long he would have to hold his hand. So he forced himself to relax and enjoy the feeling while he had it. He took a deep breath and spoke "I won't tell you about that… But I will explain why I ended up here…" He looked at the ceiling to control his emotions. Antonio sat there silently waiting for Lovino to continue.

Lovino kept his eyes locked on the ceiling as he started his explanation, choosing words cautiously and speaking slowly. "Okay, so you already know how I was in the hospital a while back for that accident?" For some reason Antonio stiffened at its mentioning but nodded slowly signaling Lovino to continue as he traced circles on his hand with his thumb. "Well, when I got hit, or well not I guess, anyway I got a concussion… Well no one but Feli knows but after the concussion 'went away' I kept having side-effects… it is called Post-concussion syndrome, real clever I know… but anyway basically it means that I am still screwed up in the head. The effects are physical; mainly dizziness, blackouts, light headedness etcetera etcetera… then there are more emotional and cognitive effects. So yeah I am pretty screwed up…"

As he talked Antonio's grip on his hand tightened and he stiffened. Lovino thought he heard a whispered "no you aren't" but ignored it, writing it off as illogical to have heard. Lovino took a breath to steady himself and continued to speak "Anyway there are these pills that I take to help keep the headaches and stuff at bay," Antonio stiffened even more and his eyes flew open afraid of what he was going to hear, 'He should be…' Lovino thought as he glanced at him. "And I kinda stopped taking them…"

Antonio's eyes grew even larger, shocked at what he had been told, yet also in a way relieved 'It could be worse', and slightly relieved but angry at the same time. "Why would you do something so stupid?" Antonio questioned standing up and looking his friend in the eye. He automatically regretted the words that had exited his mouth without permission or thought.

Lovino flinched, this had been what he was afraid of, the anger, the disappointment, the abandonment that followed. Antonio noticed the look in his friend's eyes and he returned back to his seat. "I just don't understand why…" he said as much to himself as the Italian.

Lovino could feel himself break, this wasn't how he wanted this to happen, though he hadn't wanted it to happen at all. "I- I" He stammered and Antonio took his hand again trying to comfort him. He took another deep breath and answered so quietly he was afraid he wouldn't hear him "I was afraid…"

Lovino had shut his eyes with his words and then he noticed something he never would have expected. He opened his eyes to find Antonio on his bed with his arms wrapped around him, hugging him. Protecting him. He held the Italian close to him comforting him best he could and Lovino let him do it, he knew he needed it. "It's okay," he whispered softly comforting the Italian, "There is no reason to be scared."

Lovino stiffened, there were hundreds of reasons to be scared. He knew it and he shook his head back and forth frantically resulting in Antonio holding him tighter to make him stop. "Y-Yes there is!" He sobbed. Broken.

Antonio pulled him out of the hug and stared at him bewildered -accidently making one of the fears seem real- before he asked. "Why what reason is there that scared you into this?"

Lovino opened his eyes wider in a panic, he couldn't do this he couldn't tell him. He was so close to leaving he couldn't let him in like that. He shook his head frantically again suddenly painfully aware of the tears as sobs racked his body. He started screaming "NO no no!" over and over again thrashing wildly trying to get Antonio's hands off his shoulders. His words were hasty panicked and his mind was collapsing on himself, 'he is going to leave, he is going to I can't do anything about it…' and his spasms became worse.

Antonio tightened his grip trying to stop the panicked movements. "Lovi," He tried to get through to his friend "Lovi, Lovino!" He screamed finally snapping the Italian out of his panic, though this made him feel worse, only one thought could flood his mind… 'He... he called me Lovino…" he thought absolutely defeated, crumpled. "Lovi, Lovino, Snap out of it!" Antonio tried yelling again shaking his friend's shoulders trying to get him back to reality.

Suddenly he was back, and he was aware of everything going on. Antonio instantly stopped shaking him when he saw this, though Lovino shied away from his touch, he tried again. "Lovino, what's wrong? Why are you scared?"

"… before…."

Antonio leaned in close to hear what he was saying.

"Before… It's happened before…" Lovino's eyes were clouded and he was lost in his mind again though much calmer than before.

Antonio relaxed slightly at the calm but put his hand on his friend's arm and spoke again. "Lovi, what's wrong? What happened before?"

"I CAN'T GO BACK!" Lovino suddenly yelled thrashing about again. Antonio pulled him close again and his body shook with sobs and he whispered "I can't go back…" over and over again.

After calming the distraught Italian Antonio decided to try one more time to understand what was going on inside the Italian. "You can't go back to what?" He whispered still holding him tightly, afraid of letting go after the last time.

"I-I can't g-go back to h-how I-I was…" Lovino stuttered into his chest tears still falling as he mentally berated himself for letting Antonio even close to his mind or his past. 'I am just pushing him away, begging him to leave me…' he thought and shook again. Out of fear again.

"What? What Lovi what are you talking about?" Antonio could not help it, he had to push his friend back but kept him closer, merely inches apart and pressed their foreheads together trying to comfort the Italian while being able to look in his eyes.

Lovino's eyes filled with shock and realisation. He realised everything he had said, how much he had opened up, and he realised what Antonio was asking. It filled him with a sense of panic. He couldn't hide it anymore. He had let Antonio see even the briefest glimpse into his mind and now he didn't have a choice. He had to tell him. He knew what would happen when he did but he couldn't do anything about it. He opened his mouth and explained in the most vague way possible trying to shield himself from further pain. "Well, when I was a teenager, I was not the most stable of people…" Antonio looked confused and worried at this but kept his gaze trained on Lovino's eyes rather than Lovino's wrists as Lovino's gaze was directed. "I- I had a lot of problems… And at one point I was put in the hospital…" he waited for Antonio to ask the reason, which he never did, making Lovino grateful "And they put me on medicine for the pain, not the same medicine as for the accident mind you but still…" Antonio stopped breathing as he looked at the fear and regret in Lovino's eyes, knowing what was coming next, "I- I got addicted… They helped me deal with my problems even for a short time…. It became a problem, I became a problem. I had changed, a lot… I was not a good person, and I was not at a stable place in my life… I- I was afraid that if I took those pills… I- I'd" Lovino choked out a sob unable to finish. He put his head in his hands and completely and utterly broke down.

So Antonio pulled him close again and whispered "You were afraid you would go back to the way you were." This sentence resulted in another broken sob from the Italian who was violently shaking. Antonio had an odd mix of feelings, he was glad to know, glad that Lovino had chosen to let him in even a little bit, though he knew he was leaving out a lot, but he also regretted having pushed the Italian to tell him.

Eventually the Italian fell asleep in their odd position and Antonio laid him back down on the bed, untangling their hands and stroked the smaller man's cheek. "There is nothing to fear… I may not know what happened but I know you are stronger than that now…" He stood there for a moment just looking at him one last time before leaving.

AN

I am a sucky editor please if you see any mistakes let me know!

I am sorry… I feel the need to apologise for this chapter… Sorry it sucks and might be depressing, I have been reading too many depressed!Romano stories lately (this is not going to be one I promise just bits and pieces…) ...Oh well this is what happens when my mind comes up with random ideas… Hope you liked it please fav, review, follow, whatever, it gives me motivation. And again, PLEASE vote on the poll! It means a lot to me! Anyway I hope you enjoyed it, hopefully it is getting better? Anyway, sorry for so much jumping around in here, the lack of detail etc. etc. I have not been in the mood to write a lot lately... Oh well I am posting again tomorrow, but seriously vote on the poll... New rule if I don't get at least 5 votes by Friday I am postponing this story untill I get comfortable writing at least 2 others, if you guys vote this one will be maintained. Now please vote!

Meh I feel mean now :'( I am sorry but it has to be done (how else am I supposed to motivate you guys) but thanks to those who have voted already and again if you don't have an account VOTE HERE I LOVE YOUR REVIEWS AS MUCH AS THOSE WITH ACCOUNTS!

Okay... so that's it... sorry for my rant...

-Ciao