Author/s: Skitts is writing this with Lamatikah –fifty-eight fingered salute-
Summary: They were never a perfect family, but they always tried. Even if trying wasn't good enough… AkuRoku .:RikuxSoraxKairi:.
Disclaimer: I LIKE SUGAR! Just thought you might want to know...
Full Circle
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--ALTERNTIVE Chapter 4—
x-A Word from DJ Cid-x
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The next day's assembly was taken by a half-inflated balloon with a happy smiley face doodled on that was meant to resemble Cid, a broom stick and a tape recorder that spat sparks at everyone and played: 'yo what is up?' over and over again.
The thing constructed out of the balloon, broomstick and tape recorder was eventually wheeled away as it was disturbing several of the little ones on the floor at the front.
Cid was still in hospital, obviously – the real one, not the pink balloon.
"I hope we learned a lot from our knowledgeable headmaster, Cid. We hope his grand inspiring words will resonate in your hearts and minds for years to come," said one of the very many un-named teachers.
Roxas didn't know about his 'grand' words of wisdom resonating in his heart, but they were sure resonating in his ears. Now, whenever Rikku stopped talking and Mindy stopped plotting and Naminé stopped drawing and Hercules stopped blowing up toilets and he was finally able to get some peace and quiet those 'words of wisdom' would come back to haunt him.
"Yo, what is up? Yo, what is up?" taunted the crackly voice of Cid in his mind… Over and over… And getting progressively louder and louder, until it rang through the hall and Roxas had to clamp his hands over his ears. As did everybody else, and the boy soon realised the chorus of 'yo, what is up's had not been coming from his head and spilling out of his ears for all to hear and he was, thankfully, not a human jukebox. No, the voice was coming from the staffroom the Cid-on-Wheels had previously been shoved into by Goofy and a weird inanimate Physics teacher.
"YO, WHAT IS UP?! YOOOOOO WHATTTTTT ISSSSSS UPPPP-MKAAA,MAADI9EIWOTISUOLORreadlamatikah'sstoriesPWEOsubliminalmessagesrulllllezHWUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!"
Everybody knew what was coming next – the Cid-on-Wheels was obviously going berserk, as shouts and screams and yelps of terror could be heard from the staffroom, five teachers leaping Indiana Jones style out of the staffroom, as it exploded around them in dark red, crimson, orange, yellow, orange, black and mostly orange clouds.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
A simultaneous cheer went through the hall, as Jane and Neil, who had conveniently been waiting outside the hall for such a disaster to happen, took the loud cheering and explosions to be their cue to enter and remove the charred corpses from view of the second graders.
Roxas raised an eyebrow and turned to look at Kairi.
"Ignore the Cid replacement – something like that always happens when Cid gets injured. Miss made the dolly in art made because we realised, due to our never-ending tab at the local hospital, we have no money to hire replacement teachers, or fix numerous holes in the floor or walls. So we use that. Pretty convincing, huh? It had me fooled the first time I saw it…"
"…"
"Until it went crazy and tried to pop its own head whilst chasing the German teacher around the school with an egg-whisk."
"Oh. I see."
"Yeah. Pretty neat, huh?"
"Hey, Kairi…"
"Hmn?"
"If you had no money how did you afford to buy the tape recorder?"
"We didn't."
"What, you stole it?"
Kairi tapped the side of her nose knowingly and grinned, giving a conspiratorial wink.
"Really?"
"No, we didn't. Riku found it. On the shelf of a DIY store. And it accidentally fell into his pocket and he took it to school and then Cid confiscated it."
"Really?"
"Yep. Tis all true – apart from the fact I missed out the cheese, asparagus and the dancing mice."
"I won't ask further."
"I think it's better for your sanity if you didn't," said Kairi serenely, watching as Goofy was torn apart and placed carefully on top of the Jenga pile of human body parts, limb by limb.
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"Good news kids!" cried their new form tutor, Mr. Duck. He was irregularly short and wore a blue hat and a blue shirt and a pair of yellow flippers. He was obviously one of those teachers who hated his job, as he kept glancing out of the window, looking at the local hospital with a pained expression on his face, as if feeling every needle the nice doctors angrily stabbed into the hide of Goofy, trying to piece him back together. Donald obviously wished they'd hurry up and make him all nice and well and in one piece again, ready and fit for teaching.
Roxas sometimes wondered about the insanely happy and non-sensical universe he lived in, where no matter how often you spent all night in a holly bush in car park, got crushed by ten tonne bookcases or got ripped apart limb from limb you were usually perfectly okay again in a few seconds, up and 'AT THEM!' and ready to go, despite the fact your eyes may sting and your shield of steel may do nothing to deflect the two-thousand-metre high wall of acid cascading down towards you. He wondered for a bit, then 'meh'd for a bit, shook his head and glanced down at his desk. It had to be karma – maybe everybody in Destiny Islands were so nice and sweet and good-as-gold the circle of life took a kind shine upon them, just like it did to Rikku, and made them all invincible, like Tom and Jerry. It was just Roxas who would ever actually be in pain if he got blown up – everybody else was made of rubber. It was the only logical explanation.
"Our good friend, the almighty Cid dummy, has managed to be rebuilt… Somehow… And in a few short seconds this classroom will be permanently hooked up to DJ Cid until the real Cid is sewn back together!" declared the duckish Mr. Duck, as he pointed towards the speaker on the wall, that decided to crackle into life about two seconds after Mr. Duck closed his beak… Mouth…
"Yo, what is up? Yo, what is up?" the intercom asked. Over and over. And over and over. And just for variety, OVER AND OVER. For, it was the evil thing that would never shut up and was only there for a few cheap laughs until the novelty wore off and everybody was willing to stab themselves in the eyes with the plastic spoons that bred in the canteen.
"Sirrrrrr…" moaned Sora, his hands clapped resolutely around his ears and a pained expression on his face. Nobody liked this 'DJ Cid' character that much, apart from Wakka, who was bobbing his head to some imaginary Bohemian beat, waving his arms around like a rapper and succeeding in poking the kid sat next to him in the eye. The unnamed kid turned to glare at him, but stopped as his eyes hit Wakka's and he was under his spell. Poor kid – he'd be the next one forced to kiss the ground Wakka walked on and the one to dye his hair orange.
"What, Sora?" asked Mr. Duck, who was busy writing … something … on the board, tapping his foot to the 'funky' beats of DJ Cid, attempting to 'get down and hang with da kids'.
"Can we turn our good 'pal' DJ. Cid off now?" he moaned, attempting top 'get up and groovy with da teachers'.
"No, Sora, we cannot."
A string of groans went through the room, the hallway, the entire school, as each kid in their class was met with that horrible, fateful news.
"Why not?" chorused about a dozen children from each grade's separate class at the same time. It was Sora who spoke up for the ninth graders.
"Because we have no idea how to turn DJ Cid off. Only the real Cid has the password to turn the recording off, without blowing it up."
"Can we blow it up then?"
"No."
"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww."
The sounds of about a million 'awwwwwwwwwwwws' echoed around the school.
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Axel stared at the intercom. Axel stared at the intercom and grimaced. Axel stared at the intercom and grimaced, growling slightly.
Rikku slowly patted his back from her seat next to him. Axel looked round to see Rikku grinning happily, "What's the matter, Axie? She asked, as Axel buried his face in his hands.
"My supposed 'girlfriend' is a) sitting next to Leon, and b) flirting with Leon… and I think DJ Cid has killed my brain… CAN YOU SEE MY BRAIN, RIKKU? CAN'T YOU SEE IT SPILL OUT OF MY EARS AND NOSE?!?!" Axel shouted, his fists clenched to keep him from punching something, and his face inches away from Rikku's.
Rikku sucked in a deep breath, "Well… Axel… You know… Yuffie could say the something of a similar nature, except replacing 'girlfriend' with 'boyfriend' and 'Leon' with 'Rikku'…" Axel giggled slightly before turning back to Rikku.
"But… she doesn't love Leon, not like I love you, Rikku!!" Rikku giggled nervously as she backed carefully away from Axel who seemed to be leaning in closer and closer with a maniacal twitch in his eye.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
More cries of: "Oh no! Not again!" came from the intercom as any romantic scenes could have been playing, ones which included that restaurant where the food is great, but the music sucks, were destroyed.
DJ Cid heralded chaos, especially once armed with an egg-whisk and multiple teacher limbs.
How this is possible, no one was to know.
Axel jerked his head away from Rikku's as the creature stampeded through the classroom as several teachers ran through to help them. It all ended in death.
And numerous injuries.
Rikku jumped back and edged against the wall, carefully monitoring the progress the damned machine made.
Whereas Leon was trying to flirt, whilst ignoring the oh-so-true fact that the desk before him was currently under going renovation – 'I SAW YOU IN HALF WITH EGG-WHISK!' sort of renovation that is. The sort Hercules often employed to fix the toilet with. It always ended in tragedy.
"Hey, Yuffie, I bet I know why DJ Cid always goes to our class first!" Yuffie bit her lip and looked as DJ Cid sliced another student down with its unbeatable (no pun intended) egg-whisk. She had been a good friend.
"Why…?"
"Because he's so attracted by your pretty face!"
"What… so are you… are you possibly suggesting that … that thing is my 'perfect date'?" Leon's brain suddenly switched to 'OMG! CANNOT LET HER KNOW I HAFF CRUSHHH ON HERRR!'-mode.
Leon looked round with shifty eyes, "Yes. Because I don't have a crush on you… If I did… then STRIKE ME DOWN WITH A DJ CI-"
A loud 'ZJVING' was heard before Yuffie gasped and looked down at the soon-to-be corpse on the floor, "Oh my God! Leon, are you alright?"
A weak word was her reply, "No…"
Suddenly another loud 'ZJVING' was heard, and suddenly Rikku, having jumped from off the table was in Axel's arms and he was running round with her in his arms, bridal style, as a DJ Cid with a lust for some sort of 'revenge' he never knew came after them.
"Axel… keep… running… Don't… stop… now… GET… OUT… THE… SCHOOL… GODAMMIT…" Axel rushed out of the room, grabbing Yuffie as he left. DJ Cid eventually gave up on them after running out of some sort of imaginary breath that he never had…. Kinda like that revenge it never had.
They ran into what seemed to be an empty classroom. However, this was not an 'empty classroom' as a few bullets hit the wall.
"WOAH! It's me, Axel! Got it memorized?" The teacher nodded and motioned with his head as though to tell them to 'sit down and shut up'. All the kids were waving little white flags and lying bored under flipped up tables, as though in some sort of very real and very dramatic manga… however, when you thought about it, it was rather ridiculous. Well, the Milky Way of the 'Paris' moon was rather ridiculous, but people still lived there. Well… actually, they died… But that's not the point…
Axel tripped over something soft and cushiony, most likely a student. Rikku went flying and landed somewhere near some chairs. Yuffie had already run for shelter, the smart girl. And now that Axel had been sent flying, he was now laying on something even softer and cushionier than the other student he'd tripped over.
Axel sighed deeply, and laid his head back on the student, enjoying his domination since he was probably older.
"Hey! Get off my nose!" came a smuffled, indignant squeak. Axel laughed and raised his head.
"Hey, kid, what's your name?" he asked, perhaps a little tauntingly.
"My name is DJ Cid." The kid replied, Axel jumped up and started waving his hands about wildly. The kid laughed, "Relax! Seriously, you really think I'm DJ Cid?" Axel gave a muffled squeak for a positive. 'DJ Cid' laughed again, and covered Axel's mouth before the boy started screaming bloody murder, "Hey! Hey, calm down! My name's Roxas. I'm… I'm Rikku's… friend… you know… erm… like a little friend, I don't mean anything to her. You know, I'm like the little kid that she rests her elbow on, or some lemonade… or something… right?" Axel nodded slowly.
Roxas yawned as he heard a whole load of deep breathing around him. He laid his head on the softest thing close by, and started to fall asleep.
About half an hour later, after much reshuffling from the older kids (apart from Axel who found escape rather impossible) as the children, excluding Rikku, Yuffie and Axel, fell into deep slumber, a sound which very much sounded like 'fresh meat' was coming from outside. Axel was in a very uncomfortable position, with Roxas laying on his chest, and Rikku and Yuffie sprawled either side of him, trying to hold onto something solid that wouldn't try to beat (excuse the pun… again) them up with an egg-whisk.
Rikku had Roxas's legs laid over hers as she rested her head on Axel's shoulder, trying to get to sleep; it was the only thing possible. Yuffie was almost on Axel's lap, except that was impossible because Roxas was taking over Axel at that moment, so Yuffie was being degraded to lowly 'friend' by some grade niner. But she didn't really care, as long as she had something to cling to, she was happy.
All the more, the scene could have been described as 'peaceful' except for the fact that DJ Cid had taken that very moment to storm through both walls, not seeing the kids, and Mr. Duck not being bothered to use his gun to shoot the damned thing before it reached the kindergartens. DJ Cid didn't even bother to use the door. How rude.
"Er, sir, he's gone into the Kindergartener's classroom…" Axel pointed out.
"So he has, so he has."
"So shouldn't we try to save them?"
"Nope. They're probably long gone now," said Mr. Duck, turning to look at the hole in the wall. A small arm extended from it with a weak cry of 'help meeeee', before the arm was dragged backwards through the hole, a few bones spat back out in replacement of the arm.
And Rikku had just about to get to sleep as well.
This did not matter though, as a few seconds later, she did.
Axel patted her head and looked to Yuffie who was clutching onto Axel's arms, her face white. Axel kissed her forehead, and immediately regretted this as Mr. Duck suddenly appeared from … somewhere to tell Axel that: "Any action towards any other peer which is a sign of more than friendship is a detention punishment!"
Axel squeaked, "What?! But we could've died!" Mr. Duck '--'ed and turned back round to face the blood stained blackboard. Boy, he really needed to sort out where fake blood goes when being used in drama.
He looked back at the sleeping children, and by now Axel was asleep too. Yuffie was sobbing quietly into his shoulder.
"Well guys! I guess you're all ready and perky for a good, nice, bracing ALGEBRA test!" Suspiciously, Yuffie suddenly fell asleep. Why… back in his day… they didn't have DJ Cids for one thing… or Milky Ways of the Paris moon. No, no, they had DJ DiZs and Galaxies of the Engerland suns.
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The DJ Cid was still running rampant outside the school, as Roxas had awoken to find he was lying on top of a tall red-headed boy named after some … car part … with his head buried in his chest. Shrugging off the memories of awaking in such a strange position, he had managed to find Kairi's hand amongst the scattered piles of limbs (some of them broken) and dragged her up from her happy little sleep.
"R-Roxas? Nnngh… Whas' … Whasswrong?" she asked, rubbing her eyes.
"Dude. The DJ Cid stormed the school."
"Oh yeah. It'll do that when it finds its way into the cafeteria and steals one of the egg whisks. Once it gets an egg whisk in its … clutches … it is pretty much unstoppable and you should go hide under a table World War II Style under the danger has passed."
"How come nobody reports this?"
"Because DJ Cid knows all and sees all and if you do that he will be paying a happy little visit to your house tonight, wired up to an incendiary bomb holding several sticks of dynamite."
"Oh… How does it carry all that stuff? Let's put this entire ludicrous situation into perspective – it's a half-inflated balloon attached to a mop on wheels. It has no hands."
Kairi shrugged. "Living here makes the word 'ludicrous' seem like a 'ludicrous' word. Nothing is ludicrous if you've been stalked through your own school a couple of times by a murderous mop called DJ Cid…"
"Do you want to go and see what the DJ Cid's doing?" asked Roxas, holding his hand out to her.
Kairi laughed and placed her own palm in his willingly, as they ran out of the bombsite previously known as 'class nine', to take a look at the damage the DJ Cid was doing out in the streets and maybe laugh at it a little, until it grew annoyed and came after them with the egg beater aloft. That would be their cue to run for cover.
Life was good.
Getting beaten (excuse the WITTY pun) around by a mop with an egg-beater had to be on the 'top ten best way of making friends' list. And if it wasn't Roxas would write in to the author of such a book with such a title, if such a book with such a title existed, and complain.
People deserved to know the truth.
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Sora was depressed.
He had stuck around about an hour extra at the end of the day to watch the DJ Cid chase a few people around and up trees until it grew a bit tired of that and let itself be hit by a car. And, amongst the crowds of cheering spectators egging the DJ Cid, the car and the random French people in the background on, were none other than Kairi and Roxas. Yeah, that Kairi and that Roxas, his girlfriend and his freaky cousin, the pretty ugly girl and the emo – just like all the old high school movies that he and Kairi had watched in the cinema and scorned loudly and violently until they were asked very politely to just get up and leave the cinema.
He didn't want Roxas to be with Kairi. It would lower his reputation and raise Roxas' through the roof, because all the kids would be saying Roxas could get any girl he wanted, even the geek girlfriend of his cousin, Mr. Muchios-Coolios Baggy-Pantios McGee. Not that was Sora's real name – if it were he would be dead now. Dead and stuck on top of the school flagpole, where kids could throw rocks at him.
Mr. Muchios-Coolios Baggy-Pantios McGee frowned as he crossed the road to his rather normal house, in a rather normal neighbourhood, the one that was a block away from the freaky neighbourhood his school was at. That was why Belle had never realised that he went to such a … unique school. Because the DJ Cid was restricted only to freaky neighbourhood, and if it crossed into the neighbourhood that vaguely resembled real life the entire order of the earth would be torn asunder and the DJ Cid would melt in the clash of ludicrousness versus sensibility.
He was plotting, plotting for a way to tear Roxas from Kairi and ruin his life forever. He would do it if it were the last thing he'd ever do, or his name wasn't Mr. Muchios-Coolios Baggy-Pantios McGee.
Which, as I believed I have already told you, it was not.
"Hey, Belle," said Sora in a rather flat sort of voice, as he let himself into the house, letting her know he wasn't a burglar.
"Sora, did you have a good day at school today?"
"It was pretty … average…"
"Anything … unusual happen?"
"Same old, same old," replied Sora lazily, as he threw his schoolbag down onto the beige carpet, before immediately picking it up again. He didn't want Belle to notice it was covered in blood, and didn't want to get the bloodstains of his fellow classmates smeared onto the carpet, either.
The (sort of) funny thing was Belle really wanted a normal family, normal friends, and a normal life. A normal school for her normal little boy is what she desired, not some mad-house where creatures called DJ Cids lurked in every dark corner.
Of course, nothing was normal in her life. She was desperately trying to kid herself everything was perfect and normal but she forgot how to play that game properly a long time ago and everything was falling down around her.
She had a relation called Oogie Boogie. She had relations called Scar, the Horned King and the Mayor. The mere names of all the members of their rather extended family were enough to point out to anybody that their life was anything but normal.
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Roxas was looking forward to going home after an exhausting day of schoolwork and sleeping and running away from demonic balloons taped to broomsticks on wheels.
So, he was only the slightest bit – oh, how shall we put this – pissed off when he came home to find out he didn't actually have a home anymore. More like a drenched pile of bricks surrounded by a field of mud.
"Hercules… What happened?" asked Roxas slowly, looking around at the wreckage that he had (once upon a time, about five hours ago) been able to call home.
The man stood in the garden grinned sheepishly as he attempted to scratch a sore spot on his back with a chisel. Ah … That was probably one of the weapons of destruction that helped the house look like it how it currently did.
Hercules smiled brightly as the chisel pulled a lump of skin of his back. "Heh… Actually, that was quite painful…"
"Did you do DIY again? Without Meg in the house?" asked Mindy, raising an eyebrow.
"Maybe I did and maybe I didn't."
"But the fact remains that you did," said Rikku bluntly.
"Yes. I did."
"And… Elaborate?" asked Roxas.
"I was trying to fix the toilet because it kept spewing up colourful gunge when I tried flushing it that stung my eyes. So I tried to get a look at the back of it to see how well it was … ah … connected, connected, yes, and then I sort of swung my big hammer and the whole toilet can unconnected to the wall and I was shot backwards about fifty feet by a vicious jet of water that engulfed the house, taking all our possessions with it."
"Where's Marly?" asked Naminé with wide eyes, attempting to hide from the crazy man with swirly eyes that swaggered around in front of her. He seemed pleased with himself. He had destroyed many things and may or may not have killed Meg and Marly in the process.
"Marly's with Larxene and Megara went to went to buy me a new big hammer from the DIY store because I believe I broke this one smashing the toilet apart with it."
Everybody knew that Meg had not gone to get him another 'big hammer' (they didn't need him hacking holes in the walls of their bedrooms to create lovely balconies minus the balcony and plus a long dropt to their deaths) but had gone to the chemist's to get some of those nice orange-flavoured pills he liked to take when his brain took over.
"Dad, where are going to sleep?" asked Rikku.
"IN THE TENTS IN THE GARDEN!" roared Hercules merrily, gesturing to a large patch of soil behind him, some tents billowing away merrily in the breeze in the background. They had obviously uprooted themselves, deciding on the spur of the moment to start 'breakin' free, sorain', flyin', there's not a star in heaven they can't reach'.
"Er… Herc…" said Roxas, pointing at the tents that were flying away, across the hill and over the bridge and past the state border.
Hercules turned around, and his happy smile instantly faded.
"Oh … Oh dear… Well kids, it looks like you'll all be livin' in a box for tonight, unless you can go to one of your little chum's houses, which I really hope you can do because there's fuck all you can do down here," he said merrily, running off after the renegade tents.
And they never saw him again.
…
Actually, they did, but they were all wishing they'd never see him again.
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A/N: Welldone! You gots through the CRAP!
We expect reviews for this 'crap' y'know – tis like HIGH QUALITY writing…
Three reviews for an uppdatter?