Ch. 4

16 years old

The sun wrapped me up in a blanket of warmth as the birds sang in the background. I sat immersed in a book, laying down on the grass, the scent of roses floating in the air. The cool, afternoon breeze blew around me, flipping my pages softly. Loki was laying down next to me, deep into his book. From the corner of my eye I could see that his brows were creased in thought. I smiled, he looked so peaceful when he was deep in thought.

"Sigyn?" He looked up at me, tearing his eyes away from his book.

I turned towards him, "Yes?"

"I was just wondering.. Oh, never mind. It's nothing." His eyes flicked onto my face and then back to his book.

I studied him, noticing how his eyes were trained on one spot, unmoving. Speaking softly I said, "You know you can say anything and I won't laugh, right?" He didn't glance up. "Loki?" At the sound of his name his eyes snapped up to mine.

He sighed quietly, and sat up, facing me. "Its just.." A faint blush appeared on his face. "It was mentioned in my book. I was just wondering what you'd think.." He looked back at his book nervously, then back u at me again. "What do you think is the worst kind of love?"

"What? I don't think love is bad at all!"

"Let me explain. In the book there are three types of love being discussed. They characters are arguing about who has it worse. The first one is Unrequited Love. You know, you love somebody and…" he looked down, took a breath and then looked back at me.

"And they don't love you back?" I supplied.

He nodded, "Yes, exactly. Another is forbidden love. The two are in love but aren't allowed to come out with it, for obvious reasons. Finally, the last type is Lost Love. They describe it as the type of love that everyone knows is there between two people, but there just isn't any spark anymore."

I looked at him, a little curious as to why he was asking. "Which one do you think is worse?"

He shrugged, "I don't know. That's why I was asking you."

I chuckled, and thought about it. "I guess I'd say unrequited love.. Because with the other two at least you know there's love on both sides. It might not be as strong as before, or even allowed, but at least it exists."

He nodded. "I thought you'd say that." He turned back to his book and started reading.

In my book there was a couple arguing about their wedding. They'd finally gotten together after years of war and separation, and were now fighting over what type of wedding they wanted. The woman wanted a huge wedding to celebrate the return of her fiancé. The man, however, wanted a small wedding with only close friends and family to show up. He felt that their celebrating should be made only with the people that care about them the most.

I turned back to Loki, wondering what he'd have to say. "Loki? Can I ask a question now?"

He chuckled and winked at me. "Needed to hear my voice again, did you?" I rolled my eyes. "Kidding. Totally kidding. What's up?"

"What kind of wedding would you want? Would you want to have a big one or a small one?"

"Definitely a big one. I would want everyone there. That would be the night where I would show of my beautiful wife. The one night where everyone else get's to see just how beautiful and perfect she is. Her favorite flowers set up, her choice of food. Everyone smiling, genuinely happy for us. That's the kind of wedding I think I'd like. What about you?"

I laughed. "Definitely no at big one. I want a small one, filled with all the people my fiancé and I care about. All of our selections would be made together. Food, flowers, the guest list. We would pick out everything together and celebrate the most beautiful day of our lives with the people that matter most." I smiled, thinking about the beautiful event.

"You wouldn't want to show of your dashing Prince Charming to everyone you knew?" Loki looked confused, not understanding.

"It's not about showing off. A wedding is about love. The only people that need to be present are the ones that know that both of you are meant to be. The ones that have spent time with the two people and understand that there is definitely love between the two."

Loki smiled at me, a strange look in his eyes. "That sounds extremely romantic."

"It should. I want my wedding to be romantic, and I know it will be if I'm with the man I love."

"Like Fandral?" Loki's happy face immediately fell. "Do you love him?"

I froze. That question had been on my mind a lot. It was going to be three years that we'd been together. Love was a possibility as this point, wasn't it? But still, I was no more sure now than I was a year ago when Sif had asked. I sighed heavily. "Honestly, Loki? I just don't know. I feel like I should but I'm just not sure that I do. I mean three years.. That's a long time. Shouldn't I love him by now? Is this a bad thing?"

He perked up a bit, "It's not bad. Just give it a little bit more thought. You'll figure it out eventually. But, Sigyn? If you don't feel the same way for him that he feels for you, you should probably tell him."

"Thanks! That's exactly what I'll do."

"Oh! Can I ask another question?"

"Um, no? It's my turn now. You just asked a question. You get to ask one after." I smirked. "Um.. Kids! Would you ever want kids?"

"Well, sure, I guess. I mean eventually I would. Like maybe one or two. You know, show off my awesomeness to them? How about you? Would you ever want children?"

I laughed, "Totally. At least two. A son and a daughter. That way I could teach them everything I know about life, love and any other valuable information I learn."

"What kinds of things would you teach them?"

"Right now? I would just make sure they understood the value of friendship and family. I'd make sure they knew that I was always there for them and they could tell me anything without mw judging or laughing at them. I would also ensure that they had friends they could trust, like I do."

"Those are good lessons." Loki smiled. "It's good to know there are people you can count on, like you for instance. I know I can count on you for anything."

"Awe, Loki! I know I can count on you for anything too."

"Is it my turn now?"

I laughed, of course. "Yes, now it's your turn."

"Alright, this might sound a bit strange but I was wondering if.. you're actually… Happy.. With Fandral? I mean do you guys get along? When your with him does he make you smile and have a good time? Do you trust him with anything? Can you see yourself staying… Like forever?" Loki looked down, nervously playing with his hand. I watched him for a long time, not understanding why he was asking this.

"I don't know." I felt small as these words left my mouth. It really did confuse me. "I always have a good time with him. ALWAYS. But then again, I feel like that's no different from how much fun I have with Sif. And I don't.. I can't see myself being with him forever."

"Then why are you still with him?" He spoke gently, reaching out to take my hand.

I examined his green eyes and took a deep breath. "Because he cares about me and I don't want to hurt him.. Remember that first day I came here? With my mother?" Loki nodded, and gave my hand a gentle squeeze. "She left me here, without saying good-bye. That hurts, Loki. To have the person you love just leave you, to not feel the same way about you." There were tears gathering in my eyes now. "You know, the night she left I had a dream about her? I was older and sitting in my room. She came and told me how proud she was of me. She told me that she was sorry she missed out on my life and didn't expect me to ever forgive her. In the dream I'm just relieved, not angry. I finally have my mother back, you know? Next, she tells me that she came for a reason. She has a warning. When I ask her what it is, she waves it off saying she'll tell me after she's explained why she wasn't here." Loki's eyebrows were furrowed, as he paid attention to my story. "And that's all I remember every single time. What's the point of dreaming the same thing every day if you don't remember anything more the next time?" Tears were streaming steadily down my face.

Loki moved over and pulled me to his chest, gently. He held me tightly giving more comfort than he knew. His hands stroked my hair, and I reached up to brush the tears from my face. I hugged him back tightly, never wanting to let go. "I'm here." He whispered. He was. He always would be. Always has. That would never change. No matter what, Loki would be here fro me.

After a while I finally pulled away. My eyes felt puffy. "Thanks, Loki. I've never told anyone else that. I guess it just scares me to leave Fandral because of how much it hurt when my mother left."

"I'm glad you told me."

The rest of the day was spent talking and laughing, neither one of us reading. By the time the sun was going down, we both wanted to stay and keep talking. Unfortunately, we couldn't and both went back to our rooms.

I couldn't sleep, just kept staring up at the dark ceiling. I'd needed to tell someone, I realized. It took a weight off my shoulders that I hadn't known I'd been carrying. Deciding that there was nothing that could be done I thought about my life. I thought about Fandral and Loki. The differences between them. Fandral was my boyfriend. We had fun, we talked, we hung out and laughed. Loki was my best friend. We spent whole days together. We talked about stupid things and serious things. We laughed about anything. He could make me smile with just a look. I trusted him with anything. I would do anything for him. He was one of my first friends here. He'd never leave me. He was the only person that knew everything there was to know about me. I loved his green eyes. I loved his voice. I loved his smile. I loved the way he held me today.

And just before I fell into a peaceful and dreamless sleep I realized something. I loved him.