Flow of Consciousness
Oh my God, I can't believe I did this. I swore I would never do such a thing. And now I'm here, sitting on the chair, at our kitchen's table, thinking about what I've just done. She's not here; she's outand she's coming back in a couple of hours. The thought of her finding out is slowly killing me inside. This sense of guilt is eating me alive. I feel like dying for doing it. She asked me gently, «Please, baby, promise me you won't». Of course I promised I wouldn't «Don't worry, sweetie». But here I am, fighting with the urge of throwing up for breaking the promise. I wonder how she's gonna act when I tell her what I've just done. I just hope it won't be too hard and painful. Images of her upset, yelling at me, are crossing my mind and they are not beautiful images. They are scary. I shudder and walk toward the couch. I sit down; my head is spinning I need some support to steady myself. Finally I reach the soft and comfortable sofa. I lie down, and I wait. I wait for my judgment like a criminal who is destined to prison. Like a soul, wandering through the Purgatory, waiting for a sign of remission.
She's been out for about an hour now, the hour of judgment is getting close and I can't help but feel the fear. The fear of seeing her disappointed look, once she finds out. I also fear the fact that she's probably going to freak out and an angry Tina is scary. Scarier than Medusa herself. I wouldn't be surprised if some of our plates are going to fly tonight. But, how can I blame her? I did it. I did something I swore I wouldn't do. This is the price I have to pay for not listening to her. For not doing something she asked me to, in a so kindly way. I still remember her face when she told me: she was so cute and her eyes were full of love. How can't you love those eyes? You can see her whole soul in those eyes.
Fuck, they are right when they say that guilt is something that kills you softly. I can feel it in my gut. It seems like it's eating my entrails. Oh, may I be damned for doing this. The almighty Bette Porter has succumbed to the temptation and now she's going to pay for it. God damn me for even thinking about it. I know I should've fight the urge but it was just too hard. And, it hurts saying and admitting it but… it felt good, actually. It felt really… really good. I could feel that strong feeling inside of me; it was kind of liberating. I just hope she understands. It was something I couldn't fight. Something I needed to do. I know I promised, but I just couldn't help it. But what it's done it's done and I'm going to deal with the consequences. Bette Porter is going to fight; I'm not going to give up. She will understand and she will forgive me.
Um, I slowly open my eyes, I may have fallen asleep. My sight is still blurry but somehow I manage to clear it by blinking for a couple of times. My eyes land on the clock and I see it's almost time. My beautiful angel is coming home. We'll see what happens. And I know it will be something ugly and scary. If you happen to want to watch a horror movie just pass by; you'll be satisfied. It's even better that Dario Argento's movies. If you want to feel the pure fear, watch Bette and Tina fighting. Or, better, watch Tina's fury. Just be sure you are not the reason of her fury (see it like a friendlysuggestion).
I hear the sound of heels on our door steps. It's time for my condemnation, she's here and I can't ran away. I have to face it and deal with what's coming next. She's the love of my life and I owe her an explanation. I just hope she won't kill me before I even open my mouth to say something. She opens the door and my heart almost skips a beat. She tosses her briefcase onto the chair next to her and makes her way to the kitchen. The house is dark, she probably didn't see me on the couch. Oh my God she's going straight to the kitchen; the kitchen is where I consummate my crime. I started to get up from the couch but it's too late: she has found out.
«Bette! Where the hell is the piece of cake I left in the oven? »
I know that I still have just a couple of minutes of life; I need to face the fury of my beautiful wife. I deserve it. But I just couldn't help it. That beautiful piece of cake… Oh God it was so inviting. It is something I can't explain. I'm fucking pregnant, and these fucking cravings are fucking killing me. It's not so bad, right? She's going to forgive me, right? I don't think so. At least, not before giving me a one hell of a lecture. The doctor said I can't eat too much sugary food; my blood sugar is a little too high. But can't you blame me? That was a fucking chocolate cake!
I stand up, and I make my way to the kitchen. I look like a prisoner sentenced to the gallows. It was nice meeting you, guys. Don't forget to pray for me… Hurricane Tina is waiting for me.
THE END