"I had a shower." was the first thing out of Dan's smirking mouth. "I got all dressed up for you, too" He winked, and it was true. Dan was wearing a black, leather jacket that was open, exposing his bare chest, which means that yes, he had no shirt on. As Phil's eyes explored Dan's torso his heart raced and he licked his lips. Dan was hot. His tight skinny jeans hung low on his hips, exposing the top of his hot, colourful boxers that made Phil want to tug down those jeans and get a better look at what Dan had to offer.
He didn't, of course. That would be totally inappropriate, and Phil was still cautious about their relationship. Besides, that was probably Dan's goal, to make Phil desire and see how he reacted. All week Dan had been testing him, whenever they texted or called each other, he'd flirt, and see how far he could go before Phil shut down again. As the days passed, it took a little more to get Phil to shut down. Pretty soon, he probably wouldn't resist any of Dan's seductive comments.
For now, though, he was still fighting. Even though Dan was walking over, that smirk still on his face as he crawled into Phil's lap. "D-Dan..." Phil whimpered, trying to squirm away, but Dan had already straddled his waist with his legs, and had his hands either side of his head on the sofa. "What are you doing?" He asked nervously, keeping still because Dan was sitting in his lap by that point, and moving would make things rather awkward.
"I'm about to kiss my boyfriend." Dan said simply, giving Phil one of his heart-melting, dimply smiles, before leaning in and pressing their lips together in a soft kiss. Phil immediately gave in and slid his right hand across Dan's cheek, into his hair. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears, and the sound of their lips reconnecting every couple of seconds, it kind of sounded dirty, but maybe that was just because of how wrong it was to Phil.
"Boy...friend?" Phil asked between kisses. Dan was holding him there, and he couldn't get away, so he only had a couple of seconds to talk every time Dan disconnected their lips, turned his head, then reconnected their lips again. Dan had just confirmed it. He'd just answered the biggest question that had been on Phil's mind all week. But with that question answered, more questions came. Like; How did he feel about being Dan's boyfriend? Was he really gay? Would their relationship remain a secret forever?
"Yeah... I mean if you want to be..." Dan said quietly, pulling away and looking into Phil's eyes, making him feel nervous. This was a huge decision, and Dan was putting him on the spot. He was breaking the law, and he didn't even know if he was gay! Dan was just a boy, surely there'd be others? It didn't really feel like it to Phil. He just felt so... Connected to Dan. His feelings for him were strong already. He didn't want to say no for obvious reasons. He liked Dan, liked being with him, talking to him, touching him, kissing him. It felt right. But he also didn't want to say yes.
Saying yes would set things in stone. Saying yes would mean he really was breaking the law. Saying yes meant a lot of things. But, saying yes meant that Dan was his. Saying yes meant he would no longer be jealous of whatever girl hung at Dan's arm, because Phil understands now. Its only a cover. He's sure that Dan likes him, Dan was the one who started all this, Dan was the one who had feelings first. He kissed Phil, not the other way round. It wasn't something out of a movie. Phil wasn't some girl. And Dan wasn't the guy who made a bet. He wasn't trying to make Phil love him. At least that was how it seemed.
Phil would know if he was being tricked.
Right?
"I...I think I want to be..." Phil mumbled nervously, blushing a bright red as his heart raced. He just admitted he wanted to be with Dan. Things were set now. There was no going back. Phil was in a secret, gay relationship with Dan Howell. It was wrong, it was against the law, but it felt right. It wasn't fair. Love was love, right? That was an old saying. So old, his grandfather barely said it anymore. Love wasn't love in a world where certain types of love were banned.
"That's great." Dan grinned, and then their lips were pressed together. Phil's heart raced, but he was getting used to it. He was just glad to be with Dan. Dan was perfect. Dan was his. He was Dan's. He had no time to think how wrong that was, though, because Dan's tongue soon pressed against Phil's lips, and he let out a small gasp at the feeling. They'd only done this once, so the feeling was completely new and it was exciting. He opened his mouth a fraction, letting in Dan's tongue as his fingers tangled into his hair.
They ended up kissing like that for what felt like forever, but what was probably only a couple of hours, judging by how high the sun was. Even though Phil really couldn't get enough of Dan, he was exhausted from all the kissing, so they had decided to stop for a while, and just cuddle on the sofa like a normal couple would do. Somehow, Phil ended up with his head on Dan's chest, their legs tangled together and their foots rubbing each other.
It was nice, just laying their with Dan, the brunette's left hand tangled with Phil's right, as his other played with Phil's hair, just like he had wanted to do to Dan's. It felt much nicer than he expected, but maybe that was just because it was Dan. Everything just sort of seemed better with Dan. His whole life seemed better. Before, he was so depressed, and he was dying, now... He didn't know. Things felt so good with Dan. But when he turned off his phone, and when he'll climb down the ladder... Things will be different.
Phil will have to pretend he's not in love with his boyfriend. Everything is a secret, and Phil has more than enough time to think, to regret. The kisses will still burn, the touches will remind him until he meets Dan again; its not right. Shame will weigh heavy on his shoulders. He'll hide in a cacoon of his duvet, his thoughts piercing his soul. Without Dan, he started to die all over again.
Before Dan had been so much easier. He had already been dead, he lived his life the same way every day, he came closer to pills with each breath, wanted to jump more each day. But that was okay, because he was used to being depressed. He wasn't used to not being depressed, then being depressed, then not being depressed again. The vicious cycle confused him, hurt him. Made him die inside slowly. He had thought he was already dead inside before, but it just turns out that he was only at the edge, pondering whether he should jump or not.
Now, he was falling, and sometimes he could deceive himself into thinking that he wasn't. Those were the times with Dan. However, when he was all alone, he just knew. He could see the ground getting closer, he was going to hit. He wasn't stupid enough to think that he was falling for Dan to catch him. Dan wouldn't be at the bottom. Dan would be running away, he'd be miles gone, because nobody really wanted Phil. They thought they did at first, but then they would realise that he's not worth the trouble.
That included his parents. It was why they were trying to send him to Boarding School. They didn't want to deal with it anymore, they didn't know how to fix him, so they weren't even going to try. They were going to offload him to someone else, so they could fix his problem. But Phil would never confess his secret to anyone. He'd never admit why he hates himself, so nobody could ever fix him. Not ever.
And he still tries to deceive himself, even when he's not with Dan. He won't even admit to himself that he's depressed, because he isn't. He just can't be. Now isn't a good time for him to be depressed. He should be happy with Dan.
"What are you thinking about?" He hears Dan murmur in his ear, and instantly all the bad thoughts are gone. He's with Dan, and he hadn't realised that Dan had stopped playing with his hair. That must be why all the bad thoughts filled his head.
"Not much, just... Things..." Phil replied quietly, so as not to disturb the peace. He quickly buried his face into Dan's warm chest, his dark hair falling onto Dan's shirt as he inhaled his calming scent. All his anxiety was gone now, he had no worries. Being with Dan was just bliss. He was never as calm as he was with Dan.
"You looked kind of worried, are you alright?" Dan asked, his hand beginning to play with Phil's hair again, as the raven-haired boy looked up again, missing Dan's scent already. He could probably still smell him if he tried hard enough, but he didn't want to seem creepy or anything.
"Fine." Phil mumbled, giving Dan a lazy smile as he melted under his touches. "I was just thinking about my mum and dad." He lied. "They're gonna send me to Boarding School if I don't have five friends by the end of the summer, so I was just wondering who I'd be good friends with. Most people in this town are just stupid, or annoying. There are the few exceptions of the people I don't know all that well, but I doubt I could make friends with them in time."
He felt bad for lying to Dan, but its not like he was going to admit that he was depressed. Dan would get worried, and he'd try to do things to make sure Phil was happy, when the only thing that made him really happy, was just being there with Dan. Just relaxing, being cared for, receiving affection from the person he cared for most. Every other moment made him depressed, so there really was nothing they could do. Its not like they could be together every single moment forever. Even if they could, things wouldn't mean so much to Phil as they did. They'd take their time for granted.
"That sucks... Do you want me to introduce you to some people? I'd hate to see you go to Boarding School, then we'd never get time together." Dan said, giving Phil a sad look as he twirled a strand of hair around his finger.
"No! Its fine, I could probably just pretend they were my friends or something..." Phil mumbled, averting his eyes from Dan's. He didn't want to ask for help. He didn't want to admit that he needed it. He could do this on his own. Probably. Even if he couldn't, he was still too stubborn to ask for help. That meant he wouldn't even see Dan at school anymore. He'd only have his phone, and it sucked. He hated the way his parents treated the situation. Sure, he looked depressed, but that didn't mean he should go to Boarding School. What good would that do?
"Okay..." Dan mumbled cautiously. "Well, let me know if you need me. Anyway, I'm kind of getting hungry, want to go get some lunch?" He asked, smiling at Phil as he ran his fingers over Phil's knuckles. They were acting real cuddly, and as much as Phil liked it, he'd take any excuse to get off Dan right now. He just didn't know what to do in this relationship, he knew he was going to screw it up. He was still really anxious about getting caught, even with Dan.
"Yeah, I'm kind of hungry too." Phil smiled, sitting up and stretching as he yawned, he was so tired, just from laying with Dan. The brunette made him feel relaxed, even when he was worried or anxious. Dan was the perfect cure for depression. The only thing was, he was illegal. Phil shouldn't touch Dan in the way he does. He shouldn't be with him. But he is. And there's no turning back now.
Dan smiled as well, and slid out from underneath Phil. He stood up, and offered his hand, which Phil gladly took. "You're really cute, you know that?" Dan asked, still smiling warmly at Phil as he pulled him up. It reminded him of when he was there with Dan, when they first kissed. Except, this time, their chests didn't bump. Phil was pulled up semi-gracefully, and Dan squeezed his hand before letting go. Everything would be ruined if they opened the door still holding hands.
"I didn't, actually..." Phil blushed, ducking his head a little as he walked out, and started to climb down the ladder. Once they were down, he turned to Dan and gave him a small smile. "I think we should come up with something." He said as Dan started leading him inside. "You know, like an excuse for why we're going to be spending all our time up in there"
"Oh yeah, um... How about we're redecorating?" Dan asked, and Phil saw his hand twitch slightly, making him smile. Dan wanted to hold his hand. Of course, they couldn't, because Dan's neighbours or something might see. It was actually a pretty good idea, they could spend a few hours of their time together stripping the walls of pictures and things. Then they could repaint and put up posters, and move in clean furniture, maybe even a bed if they could do it without Dan's parents seeing. A bed would be much nicer to lay on than a sofa.
"Yeah, we could actually redecorate, too. We'll just say we were planning today, and the next time I come over we can get some work done, it'll be fun!" Phil cheered, grinning as Dan opened the back door, and led him quickly inside. "I've got a few ideas, too. We could make it look really cool." He said excitedly, making Dan chuckle as he walked into the kitchen.
"We'll do all that stuff next time, though. I just want to spend today with you." He said, making Phil blush as he followed Dan into the kitchen. "Now, what do we have...?" Dan mumbled, looking into the fridge. "Sorry. It looks like we can only have sandwiches." Dan sighed, pulling out some ham, tomato, lettuce, and cheese for himself.
"Its okay. You remembered I don't like cheese!" Phil giggled, smiling widely as he watched Dan butter the bread, and start to make the sandwiches.
"Of course I did! You complained every time my mum tried to put it on your sandwich when you were little. And you'd go crazy if your mum accidentally gave it to you at school." Dan smiled, putting the sandwiches on plates and taking them to the dining table. Phil quickly followed, and sat across from Dan at the table. He smiled at Dan, and started to eat, blushing slightly as he felt Dan's foot rub his ankle. "You have no idea how much I like you..." Dan mumbled quietly, making Phil blush even more as he rubbed Dan's foot back.
"I think I do..." Phil said quietly, smiling shyly at Dan as he continued eating. Small talk continued on for about ten minutes, and the flirtatious foot rubbing didn't stop until Dan's mum walked through the door. Phil retracted his foot quickly, blushing. They'd finished eating a little while ago, so they probably looked suspicious sitting like that.
"Oh, hey boys! How was your day?" Jo asked, smiling as she grabbed a towel she must have left out, and made her way over to them. Phil nervously fidgeted, feeling like Jo's eyes could see his soul. Like all his secrets were revealed. It was the same unpleasant feeling as before.
"Good." Dan said cheerily, he was always a good actor. He chatted with his mum for a while before Jo went into the kitchen to grab some water. "Phew." Dan whispered, chuckling softly. "That was pretty close. Are you still nervous? I don't think she saw anything..."
"I don't know... It feels weird." Phil mumbled, looking at the kitchen worriedly. "Its like every time she looks at me, she can see through me. Like she know all my secrets or something. Its kind of creepy..." He said nervously, shivering again as Dan's mum returned.
"You're being silly. My mum doesn't know anything." Dan smiled, returning to talking to Jo again. He felt weird sitting there, watching them talk but not joining in. Jo's eyes flickered between them, and they held that same knowing look that they had that morning. It made Phil shiver repeatedly, and Jo asked him if he was cold, he shook his head and gave her a small smile as Dan looked at him with a curious expression. He was asking Phil if he really was okay with his eyes, so Phil gave him a smile as well.
After a couple of minutes of Phil awkwardly sitting there while Dan and his mum talked, Phil's phone rang. It was his mum calling. He quickly answered it, glad to get a distraction. "Mum?" He asked quietly into the phone. His mother barely ever used her phone, she said it was mostly for emergencies.
"Hello sweetie. Listen, I know you're with Dan at the moment, but your father and I need to talk to you, can you come home now? I'm really sorry, I know you're having fun, but this is important." His mother spoke, her voice awfully quiet and broken-sounding. They'd probably had a fight. Were they splitting up? Phil didn't know if he could handle that. At any rate, it was bad news, and it sounded like Phil needed to get there quickly.
"Okay. I'll be there as soon as I can." Phil sighed, biting his lip as he hung up. "I'm really sorry, but something's happened. My mum sounds really upset, like she's had a fight with dad. I'm sorry but I have to go. They need to talk to me." He apologized, frowning sadly as he stood up and pushed his chair back in. He went to go put his plate in the sink, but Jo just pushed him back with a sad smile and took the plate. Phil was kind of grateful.
Dan walked him to the door, with a sad look. "Its gonna be fine..." He said quietly, taking Phil's hand and giving him a sympathetic smile. He looked around, before leaning in, and giving Phil a small kiss. "I know it is. And even if it isn't, I know you're strong enough to handle it. I'm here if you need me, just give me a call, okay?" He asked, squeezing Phil's hand sadly as he opened the door.
"Thanks Dan." Phil said quietly, letting go of Dan's hand as he slid outside. "I just want you to know that I really like you, too..." He mumbled, giving Dan a sad smile before he walked away. He just admitted that he liked Dan, a lot. It was so wrong, but he needed the comfort at that moment, and his heart just melted at the way Dan's face lit up at the confession. He really did like him. He'd probably be dead without him.
He thought about everything on his way home, his relationship with Dan, the way Jo looked at them as if she knew, his parents, how broken his mother's voice sounded. He wasn't as strong as Dan thought, this wasn't going to be fine. Without Dan, everything caught up with him, as always, and he was thrown into a deeper depression than before. He was falling faster, he could see the ground now. It was still so far away, but it was close enough to frighten Phil half to death.
After a while of walking, his thoughts swimming around in his head, poisoning everything, Phil was finally standing outside his house. He was shaking, even though it wasn't cold in the afternoon summer air. He slid the key into the lock, hands shaking more than anything in his body. He was so scared something horrible had happened. He couldn't cope. He turned the lock slowly, his heart jumping at the metallic 'click' of the door unlocking. What would he find behind this door? Was someone dead, had they been robbed? He just didn't know!
He turned the knob with deft fingers, swinging the door open as his breath caught in his throat. He'd never been so scared before. Everything could go wrong from here. He could fall faster. He could hit the pavement. He could die. He walked in, the door shutting itself behind him as he slowly walked down the hallway. His footsteps seemed loud against the wood, and everything slowed down as he stepped into the living room.
Was he going to hit?
Wooow. I wonder what will happen? :D Who knows? This took days of pushing through writer's block to write. I started writing this as soon as the last update, and I've been writing bit by bit since. I guess its worth it because this chapter is over 3000 words again! I hope I'm not just writing crap, seriously. I felt like half of this was just Phil's thoughts, honestly, so I'm wondering if you even really care. O.o
I'm thinking of making updates like a weekly thing, what do you guys think? If we did this, then you'd have to be really tough if I missed the update time. Like, spam me with messages about how lazy I am or otherwise I won't get it done XD I think of you all as my friends, so I'll probably whine about being lazy, and having a lot to write. Don't worry though, I love you all so spamming me to get me to update won't make me mad at all!
Anyways, as usual, I hope you enjoyed this fic!
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Bye guys!