Intervention

"Santana…the time has come," Kurt intoned dramatically, and Santana's head shot up, her muscles tensing as her eyes shifted with great suspicion between him and Rachel lurking just behind him, where they both loomed much too close for her to allow for an acceptable degree of personal space. It was true, of course, that neither Lady Hummel nor Hobbit Berry had a great deal regard for that even in usual circumstances, but the way they were hover over her now, and the grim looks on their faces…well that could only mean-

"This is an intervention," Kurt finished in the same all too serious tone, holding both hands out as though in an offering of peace- or perhaps simply to be more prepared to ward off Santana's fists, if they started swinging. "You won't do this on your own, so as your roommates and your friends, what you once referred to as your family, we are forced to do this for you."

"It's for your own good, Santana," Rachel piped up from behind him, her dark brown eyes wide and much too earnest for Santana to be able to stand. "We're doing this because we care about you and the state of your relationships, for your health-"

"Don't even try it," Santana warned, hurriedly getting to her feet and sticking her finger in the direction of Kurt's face. She got only mild satisfaction from watching him flinch backward, brief but genuine fear in his eyes at the gesture, and she drew herself up to her fullest height, although this was still shorter than he was, as she was barefoot. It was also somewhat disgruntling that, as it was late evening, all three of them were in pajamas, and hers happened to be baggy flannel bottoms with a mismatched oversized t-shirt that made her look smaller than she actually was, but she worked with what she had, hoping attitude would make up for it. It damn well better, because this threat her overly well-intentioned roommates were posing was serious.

"It won't take long if you'll just come with us and cooperate," Kurt promised, keeping a safer distance from her now, but nevertheless close enough that he still cringed when she made a threatening swipe towards him again. "Really, Santana, if you would just listen and-"

"It's not gonna take any time at all because it's not gonna happen!" Santana shot back, shaking her head vehemently, again jabbing a finger in Kurt's direction and then towards Rachel as well to include her. "Do you know how long it took me to get this way, do you know how much I had to work for this?! No way are you taking this away from me!"

"Santana, if you would just let us help you-" Rachel started, and Kurt added in overtop her, "Santana, be reasonable-" both who were drowned out by Santana's adamant response.

"No, I said no, there is no fucking way I'm letting you cut my nails!"

She had intended for the shout to sound fierce and terrifying, to scare them off from even thinking of proceeding against her wishes. But instead, both Kurt and Rachel looked at her for a few seconds, then burst out laughing. In fact, Rachel was giggling so hard she ended up covering her mouth with her hand and leaning against Kurt for support. As Santana glowered at them, crossing her arms over her chest, both of them continued to snort and snicker, clearly not finding her nearly as badass as they were supposed to.

"D-do you know what you sounded like?" Kurt gasped, and the grin breaking out over his face, directed at HER, was enough to make Santana want to slap him. "L-like a little toddler diva…refusing to wash her hair or take a bath or go to bed…what was the name of that little girl on Toddler and Tiaras…"

"Honey Boo Boo?" Rachel gasped, and the name alone, though Santana had no idea who that was, was enough to make her lunge at Kurt, attempting to demonstrate exactly what the very nails they were thinking needed cut could do to him if she chose. Even as he ducked and blocked her, no longer laughing quite so much, Rachel was earnestly questioning his description in the background, musing aloud. "I really don't think that was an entirely accurate analogy, Kurt, as Honey Boo Boo is quite obese and is also a white child who I believe is from a lower socioeconomic status and certainly a different cultural region and ethnic group than Santana. I have no personally watched her show, however, so perhaps there are similarities that I have no knowledge of-"

"You're comparing me to a fat white kid called HONEY BOO BOO?!" Santana shrieked, grabbing up a couch cushion and hitting Kurt with it almost hard enough to knock him to the ground, and he was laughing even as he tried to ward her off, gasping for breath.

"N-no…even Honey Boo Boo cuts her fingernails…"

"I'll show you why I hang on to these friggin' fingernails, Lady Lips," she threatened, hitting him with a pillow again and moving as though intending to scratch him, but Rachel came up behind her and enfolded her in an embrace from behind, resting her chin on her shoulder and also effectively pinning her arms to her sides. Santana tried to shove her off, but Rachel, freakishly small as she was, was also stronger than she looked and managed to hold her own.

"Santana, we've talked about this," she said in an infuriatingly reasonable yet soothing tone, still keeping her chin hooked over Santana's shoulder, even giving her a little squeeze as though Santana were welcoming an embrace rather than being forced into submission. "Your nails are certainly much too long to be able to perform daily tasks with optimal efficiency and comfort. Not to mention they are capable of drawing blood-"

"That's why they're awesome!" Santana protested, even as her efforts to shrug Rachel off her became half-hearted, then stopped altogether as she slumped back into her. No doubt noticing this, Rachel leaned her head against the side of Santana's, continuing to talk in what Santana recognized and resented- but often ended up giving into- as her "convincing" tone.

"Santana, long fingernails become storehouses for bacteria and dirt, and as you generally paint your nails you probably don't even notice what becomes wedged beneath them as you cannot see through the polish. You could end up getting sick much more easily and then your dance classes will have to stop. You wouldn't be able to go to work and you'd get behind bills and rent. Long fingernails means you could accidentally scratch yourself in your sleep and the bacteria wedged beneath could mix with your blood and you could end up with a staph infection, which could mean scarring and hospitalizations and even amputation. There is also-"

"Rachel…cut to the part where she cares?" Kurt interrupted, raising an eyebrow, and Rachel nodded, seeming to understand immediately.

"Oh, yes. Also, I cannot imagine that Dani will feel comfortable engaging in certain sexual activities if she fears that your fingernails will cause her pain in sensitive places."

And as Kurt had predicted, this was in fact a thought that immediately struck Santana as a genuine problem. As her mouth opened, then closed, she slumped back even more fully against Rachel, her scowl deepening, even as she nodded begrudgingly.

"Fine, whatever. But if you do them a quarter of a millimeter less than I say's okay, or don't shape them right, or make my cuticles bleed…"

She was still listening minute specifics of exactly how her nails had to look to meet her standards of acceptance as Kurt went to fetch the nail clippers, file, and polish, and as he returned she had to reluctantly acknowledge that at least if she were going to get her nails cut, Kurt of all people definitely had a decent set of his own to judge by.