Pains of Nursing
Episode 3: Beach Blanket Bastards
Any copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodied manner.
One day at the Sanders home. I know this is the 3rd time (4th if you've read the lost episode) but get the fuck off my back about it. I'm not the first to stage a scenario that takes place at the same location every time. The weather was hot and sunny, a perfect day to go to the beach. Unless your like me and have your own pool. In fact, that's what this episode is about, dumb ass.
Andrew (red 2-year old male dinosaur, species unknown) ran down the second floor hallway. His diaper was unstrapped and he was holding it up with his hands. His older brother Boland (red 5-year old dinosaur) was trying to catch him. If you've read episode 1, you'll be delighted to know that Boland finally got his Pull-ups back. He was wearing a pair with green lines around the legs and waist. In his hand was a green and blue swim diaper.
Andrew ran into the upstairs bathroom and slammed the door on Boland's face, throwing him to the floor. Andrew pulled his diaper back up. Boland got up and banged on the door.
"I just want to put this on you!" He said.
"Why are you the one who always has to diaper me? Is it because you like seeing little boys naked?" Andrew taunted from inside the bathroom.
"Moms busy with something. She asked me to diaper you." Boland said.
"To be honest, she almost always asks you to diaper me. So far, dad was the only other one who did." Andrew pointed out.
"Look, will you please come out?" Boland asked.
"No! Nothing you do will make me come out!" Andrew yelled, crossing his arms.
"Fine, then I'll go delete your Xbox 360 profile." Boland said.
"You touch that console and I will kill you!" Andrew yelled.
"Come out or I will." Boland threatened.
"So you can rape me? Hell no!" Andrew yelled.
"Alright, but it's going to be a shame to lose all those achievements on Portal 2." Boland said, walking towards the staircase.
Without even bothering to hold his diaper up, Andrew threw open the door and leaped at Boland. He tackled him by the neck and knocked him down the stairs. This is a very common sight actually;
One morning, Boland got up at around 7:00, his blue lined pull-up sagged.. He was still half asleep when he came near the stairs. Andrew, who was in his white sleeper jumped out from around the corner and screamed. Boland was terrified by this and he fell back, down the stairs. Then another time, Andrew ran out of the bathroom, dripping wet and naked. He got water all over the floor in front of the stairs. Boland came out after him, but he slipped on the water and fell down again. Then another night, Boland came out of the shower, wearing a pink towel. As he walked by the steps, Andrew stuck out his leg from behind a corner. Boland tripped on it and fell down the stairs again.
Anyway, back to the present time. Andrew sat on Boland's back, grabbed his head and slammed it continuously on the floor. Boland somehow managed to slip the swim diaper on Andrew while he was doing this, even though he was on his stomach. Andrew stopped when he saw the swim diaper. He slammed Boland's head one last time and went into the living room. He slunked on the couch and turned on the Tv. Baby Felix and Friends was on.
Baby Felix was standing in front of Baby Kitty. He was wearing his sky blue sleeper while Kitty wore her pink one.
"So Kitty, do you want to go out?" Baby Felix asked.
"Not tonight, I have a head ache." Baby Kitty said.
"You said that same thing yesterday." Baby Felix said.
"Look, I like you. It's just I need some private time." Baby kitty said.
"For 25 days?" Baby Felix asked.
"I've been having some emotional trauma." Baby Kitty said.
"From what?" He asked.
"FROM YOU! You are a retarded, chocolate addicted, toddler! Half of the time we go out, you strip off your sleeper and walk around naked!" Kitty hissed.
"Hey, that was the mirror's fault." Baby Felix said.
"Then how come I still had clothes?" Kitty asked.
"Naked female characters cause controversy." Baby Felix answered.
"We'll see how much controversy this episode causes, because we're through." Baby Kitty said, walking away.
Baby Felix picked up his yellow bag with black x's.
"Magic bag! Do your stuff!" he said.
The Bag transformed into a Barrett .50 caliber Sniper rifle. He blew Kitty's head off with it and laughed manically. Adult Felix from the Future poked his head through the bag.
"I thought I told you not to use the bag for evil!" He said.
"Oh come on, you would have done the same thing." Baby Felix said.
"You broke your promise, now the bag is gone!" Future Felix said.
He pulled his head back inside and the bag vanished.
"We'll see who's laughing when I use my magic mirror to steal his bag." Baby Felix snickered.
Andrew switched off the Tv. Boland came out of the downstairs bathroom, with several waterproof bandages on his face. Their mother came in from outside.
"Boland, do you want a Swim diaper too?" She asked him.
"No, I'm way to old for those. I want to wear my new limited edition Limited edition Duke Nukem speedo." Boland said, holding up a black speedo with the nuclear symbol on the front.
"I was just worried that you might have another accident." His mother said.
"No way. I've got bladder of steel." Boland said.
"Thats not what your bladder said in episode 1." Andrew said from in the living room.
Boland growled at Andrew. He didn't say anything, otherwise his mom would spank him. She went into the living room and picked up Andrew.
"Is my baby ready for the beach?" She asked him.
"Yeah! Maybe there'll be some naked chicks! Or maybe Carl Johnson will go insane and run over everyone in his sports car!" Andrew said, happily.
They both went outside, to their green SUV. Their Father was already in the driver's seat.
"Do I have to sit next to Andrew? He's so annoying." Boland said.
"You'll have to do more than that actually. His booster seat model had a massive recall and I didn't get a chance to buy him a new one. So I need you to hold him." His mother said.
Boland's pupils shrank in fear. In case you don't already know, he and his brother don't have the best relationship.
"But...But why can't you hold him?" Boland asked.
"Because small children are safer in the backseat." His mother asked.
"Can't you sit in the back?" Boland asked.
"No, theres not enough space back there." She answered.
She gave Andrew to him.
"But why did his booster seat get recalled anyway?" Boland asked.
Flashback..
A young purple dinosaur sat in his now-recalled booster seat. It had a belt that goes around his neck. When the car he was in stopped, his head fell off, decapitated by the neck belt.
Present...
Boland got in his backseat, Andrew sat on his lap.
"Why aren't you in your suit? Afraid you'll wet yourself?" Andrew taunted.
"I'm going to change into it at the beach." Boland said, trying to keep his calm.
"Why? In case you wet yourself on the way there?" Andrew taunted again.
"You know, if mom wasn't here, I would kick your ass." Boland whispered.
"Be careful what you say brother. My tear ducts can be triggered at anytime." Andrew said.
"Why are you so abusive towards me?" Boland asked.
"Mainly that time you kicked me when I wandered into your room." Andrew said.
"You were in my fucking room. What did you expect? Change you?" Boland argued.
"There was also the fact that I could feel your hatred towards me." Andrew added.
"How the hell did you do that?" Boland asked.
"I could hear you talking about from inside mom." Andrew said.
Flashback..
Before you see this, it's important that you know that the characters in this series were born like humans, not from eggs. Another deviation is that they didn't urinate either, so suck it up like a man and just read.
Andrew was still inside his mother's stomach when she, his dad, and Boland sat down for dinner. Boland was 2 at the time and still wore diapers and sat in a high chair. His dad was spoon feeding him this green baby food that tasted horrible.
"Are you excited that your going to have a new baby brother?" His mom asked him.
"No." Boland said before his dad pushed another spoonful into his mouth.
"Oh come on, you'll love to have a little brother." His dad said.
"No, I'll hate his guts and reject him, like that Gustave guy from Saga Frontier 2." Boland said.
The time of the Firebrand ceremony from SaGa Frontier 2.
Gustave 12, clad in white and red robes, lead his son, Gustave 13, who was in a red shirt, down the velvet carpet to the Firebrand, a magic sword which deems if the wielder can become king. Gustave 12 picked it up and held it into the air. It's blade shone red with Anima. He set it back down.
"Now my son, show your Anima." Gustave 12 said.
Gustave 13 didn't hear him, he was listening to his iPod. Gustave 12 kicked him in the shin.
"Oww, what the hell?" Gustave 13 asked before he saw the Firebrand. "Oh, that."
He picked the Firebrand and held it into the air. The windows behind them suddenly turned into stone walls.
"My God! He not only doesn't have any Anima, he also turns windows into stone! He must be exiled!" Gustave 12 said.
"So did I make it?" Gustave 13 asked, oblivious.
Back to Andrew's flashback..
Andrew heard Boland from inside his mother's stomach.
"I guess I'll have to strike first." Andrew thought to himself.
End flashback...
Meanwhile, in a nearby apartment was 2 of Andrew's friends, Walter, 2 year old light green male, and his twin sister Cynthia, 2 year old yellow female. Walter was throwing diapers out of his dresser. He was actually naked. Cynthia was in bed, clad in her white nightshirt and pinned diaper. She caught a cold and was unable to go anywhere for a while.
"Damn it! Where are they!?" Walter asked himself.
"Where are what?" Cynthia asked, putting down the Mad magazine she was reading.
"The swim diapers! Andrew's mom is gonna take me to the beach and I can't find them!" Walter panicked.
He dug into another drawer and pulled out a PS2 game.
"Hidden Invasion? Pfffft." He said as he threw it in the garbage bin.
"Then why are you naked?" Cynthia asked before sneezing hard into her tissue.
"So I can just slip into it without wasting time taking off my old diaper." Walter said
Walter crawled underneath his bed. He found a teenage blonde girl in a white shirt and black skirt hiding there. Walter thought she looked hot. It was Fiona from Haunting Ground if your curious. She was reading an old book Walter discarded under his bed.
"Uhhh, hello?" Walter said.
The girl looked at him and Screamed. She stormed out from under the bed and her Vision turned black and white. Terrified for no reason, she jumped out the window and fell to her death.
"Who the hell was that?" Cynthia asked.
"I don't know, but she must be on the production team." Walter said, noting that the screen was still black and white.
Walter's mother came into their room.
"My goodness, why are you naked?" She asked Walter.
"I can't find my swim diapers!" Walter said, pulling his tail between his legs.
"They're in the living room, I was waiting for you to come out so I could put one on you." His mother said.
"Oh. Bye sis!" Walter said as he rushed out of the room.
"Are you still feeling sick?" His mother asked Cynthia.
"Yeah, feel like that thing from Resident Evil 4 is in me." Cynthia said before sneezing into her tissue.
"Don't worry, dad will take care of you. Sorry you won't be able to come with us." The Mother said.
"Oh it's fine, I don't want to get my snot in the lake." Cynthia said, stretching her back.
Her nightgown slipped down her back, revealing her diaper.
"Bye sweetie. You can take off your nightgown if you want, but keep your diaper on. Don't want to see urine stains on your bed again." Her mother said.
Her mother kissed her and left.
"Walter's a dick." She muttered.
In the living room, Walter's mother tied the string on his blue and red swim diaper. Walter was surprisingly excited for something that seems dull to most computer nerds like me. His tail was actually wagging like that of a dog.
"I've never seen you this excited before." His mom said.
"Oh yeah, I've been waiting for winter to end for this day!" Walter said.
A horn honked from outside. Walter almost pissed himself in excitement.
"They're here!" He squealed.
He got up and tried running for the door, but his mom grabbed him by his swim diaper.
"Ahhh mom, whats the problem?" Walter whined.
"Don't forget to ask Mr. Sanders to lend me his shotgun. The tenant next door keeps peaking through that hole in the wall." His mom said.
The man looking through the hole in the wall (brown hair, white shirt, jeans. Henry Townshend from Silent Hill 4.) ducked down from the hole, but peeked back through for a second.
"Yeah, yeah. Can I please go now?" he asked.
"Alright." She said.
The second she let go of his diaper, he ran out the door and down the stairs.
Meanwhile, in the Sanders car...
"Come on! Challenge me!" Andrew asked Boland.
"What's the French Tank?" Boland asked, unenthusiastically.
"Hotchkiss H-39! See? WW2 games can teach you about military hardware!" Andrew said.
"Yeah? Then what is the Flying Pancake?" Boland asked.
"An experimental Airplane." Andrew answered.
"That didn't even fly during the war." Boland said.
"Secret Weapons over Normandy." Andrew said.
"Games like those shouldn't misguide us about WW2, they are fic-" Boland started.
Before he could finish, Walter threw open his door and leaped tackled Boland. Walter and Andrew sat on top of Boland.
"Beach! Beach! Beach!" Walter said.
"Dude calm down. I think your sitting on my brother's windpipe." Andrew said.
Walter moved to the side a bit so Boland could breath again.
"I can't wait until we get to the beach!" Walter said.
He started bouncing up and down on Boland's chest, knocking the air out of him. Boland grabbed him and his brother and sat upright.
"You boys buckled in?" his dad asked.
"We would if they had booster seats." Boland muttered.
"Why are you so excited? It's just a beach." Andrew asked Walter.
"You really want to know?" Walter asked.
"Just freaking tell the reader already." Boland said.
"Alright. It's because...I like to put sand in my diaper!" Walter exclaimed.
Boland and Andrew were somewhat disturbed by this.
"Why?" Andrew asked.
"It just feels really warm and tickles." Walter said.
"That is like some new kind of fetish." Boland said.
"That should end up on that Taboo show." Andrew said.
"I'm so excited. I think I already wet myself!" Walter said.
"Ewww. Thank god we don't have any extra swim diapers." Boland stated.
"Actually, we do sweetie. They're in the back. Could you change Walter?" Boland's mom asked.
Andrew grabbed the water bottle that was sitting in the cup holder and poured it down his swim diaper.
"I'm wet too." Andrew said.
"Oh come on! We're in a moving vehicle!" Boland complained.
"If either of them get a rash, you'll be spending the rest of summer without your MP3." His mom threatened.
Boland immediately put both of them down and tore their swim diapers off. He put some baby powder on their rears and quickly reached into the back. Andrew reached under the car seat and grabbed a fish hook with some string. He poked the hook through the back of Boland's pull-up. Then he tied the other end of the string to dad's car seat. Boland retrieved the extra swim diapers and tied them on the toddlers. Then he picked them back up and sat them on his lap.
"Are we almost there?" He asked.
"Not yet, theres a car wreck up here." His dad said.
On the road ahead were 2 convertibles. One was light blue and the other was purple. The owner of the blue car had black hair, jeans and a blue tropical shirt (Tommy Vercetti from Grand Theft Auto: Vice city). The owner of the purple car had gray hair, sunglasses, black pants, and purple jacket (Johnny Gat from Saints Row). They stood facing each other out on the road.
"I had the right of way! This is your fault!" Gat yelled in Tommy's face.
"At least I didn't rip off someone else's game!" Tommy back sassed.
"OOOHHHH! Johnny, you got Jacked!" Said a purple dinosaur in a car behind them.
Johnny and Tommy pulled out Beretta 92Fs and blasted the dinosaur with bullets.
"Lets sing a song while we wait!" Walter suggested.
"Oh please don't." Boland said.
"Go make some new disaster!" Andrew sang, which was "now I just want you gone" from Portal 2.
"And thats what I'm counting on!" Andrew and Walter sang together.
Boland covered his reptilian ears. Several hours later, they finally arrived at the beach.
"Now I just want you gone!" Walter and Andrew finished.
"We're here." Their mom said.
"Thank god." Boland muttered.
Boland's mom came over to his door and took Andrew and Walter. As he got out of the car, the fish hook Andrew put on his Pull-up ripped it off. He looked behind him and saw it hanging out of the door. He blushed and pulled his tail between his legs. Andrew and Walter snickered from his mother's arms. Boland quickly reached in the back of the car and grabbed his Spedo. He quickly slipped it on. It felt really tight, but he put on a brave face and followed his family on the beach.
Andrew's Mother set him and Walter down on the sand. Walter immediately grabbed a handful of it and forced it down his Swim diaper.
"God, it feels even better than I remember!" He said.
"Won't that stuff irritate your scales?" Andrew asked.
"Yeah, caused severe chaffing, but I don't care. It feels so good." Walter said.
"Ehh, what the hell." Andrew said.
Andrew grabbed a handful of it and forced it down his diaper.
"OOOWWW! This stuff is frigging hot!" He yelled.
Andrew reached down his diaper and pulled a small amount of the sand out. He scratched at it due to itching caused by the sand.
"How the hell do you put up with this?" He asked Walter.
"I just focus on how warm it feels." Walter said.
Walter laid down on the sand feeling how warm it was. Andrew was trying to get his swim diaper off, but he couldn't undo the string that held it up. Andrew's mother saw him struggling with his diaper.
"Boland, I think your brother needs changed again." His mother said.
"I changed him already!" Boland whined.
"I hope you'll get along fine without your MP3 then." She said.
Boland growled in anger as he grabbed another swim diaper from the car. He easily undid the string around Andrew's diaper. He strung the new one on.
"For once, I'm actually thanking you." Andrew said.
"Yeah right." Boland said before leaving.
"Hey! Andrew!" A voice yelled.
Andrew looked the other way and saw a sky blue dinosaur in the distance wearing a pair of green trunks. It was another one of his friends, Thompson.
"Tom!" Andrew yelled back.
Andrew got off the sand, and ran towards Tom. He ran past a man in a blue uniform (a citizen from Half Life 2).
"Stay off the sand!" He yelled.
Suddenly, a large pale green bug (Antlion from Half Life 2) emerged from the sand and stabbed the citizen with it's sharp mandibles. It then pulled his corpse back under the sand. Andrew finally caught up to Thompson.
"Tom, it's good to see you man. Walters been acting like a schizophrenic." Andrew said.
Walter poured more sand down his diaper.
"Check me out, wearing real swim trunks." Thompson said, pointing at his trunks.
"But your not even potty trained." Andrew pointed out.
"Don't tell anyone, but I'm actually wearing a regular diaper underneath them." Thompson whispered, pulling his trunks down a bit to show his plastic diaper.
"What if you go swimming?" Andrew asked.
"It'll just look like big balls." Thompson said.
"I doubt anyone will buy that." Andrew said.
"Ahh who cares? Everyone knows we need diapers anyway." Thompson said.
Thompson led Andrew over to his mother and his little sister Tavi. She was sky blue just like him and also wore a plastic diaper. There was a deep hole next to them.
"I've been trying to dig my way to hell." Thompson said.
"You can't dig your way to hell!" Andrew said.
"Don't push your atheism on me." Thompson said.
"No, I mean there is a hell, but it doesn't lay in the earth's crust. It's an alternate dimension, like heaven." Andrew said.
"Then why did all those cartoon characters end up there when they go deep underground?" Thompson asked.
"The looney tunes are retards." Andrew pointed out.
"Still, I think something awesome is down there. No one else has tried to before." Thompson said.
Thompson grabbed his adult sized shovel and climbed down into the hole.
"Pray that a wave doesn't drown you down there." Andrew yelled down.
"HOLY SHIT!" Thompson yelled.
Thompson clawed his way out of the hole. A look of terror was on his face.
"What happened?" Andrew asked.
Suddenly a pale green humanoid creature with 6 eyes (an Imp from Doom 3) climbed on the ledges of the hole.
"What the fuck!?" Andrew yelled.
Thompson grabbed the shovel and bashed the Imp in the head with it multiple times, forcing it back underground. Then he started shoveling sand back in the hole, sealing it.
"I guess thats why no one has done that before." Thompson said.
Walter came over to where they were. The front of his swim diaper had a massive lump in it that caused it to sag.
"Whoa, I didn't know your mom let you take Viagra." Thompson said.
"It's sand." Andrew said.
"Why the hell is there sand in your diaper?" Thompson asked.
"It feels good." Walter said.
His diaper slipped and would have fallen down if he didn't grab it. Andrew and Thompson needed their diapers changed due to the demon attack. Tom had his changed in a changing booth to avoid being seen in his diaper. While Andrew was laying on his mom's beach towel as she tied his swim diaper, he saw a familiar face. It was a purple Female in a blue one piece swimsuit. Their was a bulge in her pelvis which was most likely a swim diaper. Andrew leaped to his feet before his mom could even finish tying his diaper. He ran towards the female, his diaper fell off along the way. He came up behind her.
"Hi Violet." he said.
Violet turned around and was surprised him in more than one way.
"You know this isn't a nudist beach right?" She asked.
Andrew looked at himself and covered his rear and pulled his tail between his legs. He ran back to where his diaper fell off and grabbed it. He slipped it on, holding it up. He laid down on the sand and let Violet tie it on him. He squeezed her buttocks while she did, it crinkled. Then he pulled her in closer and kissed her.
"I can't believe we all came to the same beach on the same day." He said.
"Thats what fiction does." She said.
Meanwhile, Boland was about to enter his standard affairs. He was standing on the beach, flexing his weak muscles to look cool for the ladies. Then a large green T-rex wearing the same kind of speedo he wore came up behind him. This was his greatest enemy. Actually, it's more like the relation between the Grasshopper and Praying Mantis, Predator and prey. He grabbed Boland by his spedo and picked him up by it.
"I didn't know you were coming here today!" Boland said.
"The waves called to me. Your wearing the same suit as me." The T-rex said.
"Yeah...I see you like Duke Nukem too." Boland said sheepishly.
"Theres only enough room for one here." Tyrone said.
"Then what the hell am I supposed to wear!?" Boland asked.
Tyrone thought for a second. Then he dragged Boland into one of the striped Changing booths.
"Oh come on!" Boland yelled.
The door opened and Boland was thrown out onto the sand, in a plastic diaper. Tyrone laughed at him before grabbing a surfboard and catching a wave. Boland gave him dirty looks. Tyrone fell off his board almost instantly. While he was underwater, small white worms surrounded him. One of them bit his finger, another bit his tail. Soon they all started taking bites out of him until there were so many that you couldn't even see him. We the worms dissipated, all that was left of Tyrone was his skeleton and suit. That's what you get when you swim in waters with Carnivorous Leeches from the Half Life series.
Andrew and Violet went back to where Thompson and Walter were. There was so much sand in Walter's diaper that it bulged out the size of a bathtub and Thompson was building a sand castle in it.
"Hey Tom, let me and Violet bury you in sand." Andrew said.
"No way, I don't want sand in my diaper." Thompson said.
"Why don't you take off your diaper?" Andrew asked.
"...I could just wear my trunks afterwards." Thompson said.
Thompson reached in his trunks and unstrapped his diaper. He pulled it out and threw it away. Violet and Andrew then buried him in sand, except for his head.
"Damn, I shouldn't have drunken all that juice." He said.
"Uhhhh, Violet, want to play some Volleyball?" Andrew asked.
"Sure, lets go." She said.
"Wait! Dig me out of here!" Thompson yelled after them.
Walter added more sand to his diaper, which expanded in all directions.
"Who needs baby powder when you have sand?" He said.
The string holding his diaper on couldn't take the stress anymore. It snapped, flinging his diaper into the mouth of Thompson, still yelling for help. Walter sat naked in the pile of sand. Boland returned to the towel where his parents were at because he didn't want to get any sand or water in his diaper. He sat there, grumpy. Andrew and Violet were playing Volleyball, like they said. Andrew kicked it in the air and it landed on Violet's head. For some reason, her swimsuit fell down, revealing her pink swim diaper. She pulled it back on and punched the ball in the air, and it knocked Andrew cold.
Later, he and Violet went out into the water. They splashed each other. Walter came out too, Naked of course. He dove underwater, looking at various items. A shoe, a lighter, a gun, and the Eagle sword from Prince of Persia: Warrior within. Then he found a bottle with a piece of paper in it. He grabbed it and took it to the surface where he looked at it. It was a treasure map (uh duh).
"Holy shit! Guys! I think this is a freaking treasure map!" Walter yelled.
"What are you? 3?" Andrew taunted.
"No, 2 actually." Walter answered.
"Oh, right." Andrew said.
"Honey! It's time to go!" Andrew's mom said.
"Coming mom!" Andrew said.
Andrew and Violet came out of the water. Walter came out last, and shocked many people on the beach with his nudity. Soon, Andrew, Walter and Boland were all back in the car.
"What happened to you spedo? Couldn't live without padding?" Andrew taunted.
"Yeah, I couldn't live without padding." Boland said sarcastically.
"Seriously dude, I think this is a real treasure map." Walter said.
"You think every piece of Paper is a treasure map." Andrew said.
"Since when?" Walter asked.
"Remember that time we were at the mall and we sneaked away from our parents to steal stuff from gamestop?" Andrew asked.
"Oh yeah, you had like 20 games hidden in your diaper." Walter recalled.
"I recall you picking up a short power up brochure and said it was a map to the mall's hidden safe." Andrew said.
"That was like, 2 months ago." Walter said.
"Six flags, last summer. At the daycare center, you thought a scribbled piece of paper was the map to Six Flags' vault." Andrew said.
"Well, maybe that was a little stupid." Walter admitted.
"Hospital, when you had the flu. You thought a nurse's schedule was a tactical map to the private torture room of Barack Obama." Andrew said.
"I don't even remember that one." Walter said.
"My point is, you are insane." Andrew said.
"Am not!" Walter said.
"Then why aren't you wearing anything?" Andrew asked.
Walter looked at himself and saw that he was naked. He thought for several seconds.
"Because...I was working on my tan." He said.
"Dinosaurs don't get tans." Andrew said.
"I am still not insane!" Walter said, throwing a tantrum.
"You are." Andrew said calmly.
Walter slapped Andrew in the face with his left hand. A small slap fight began. Boland didn't bother to stop it, he was actually entertained by it. Eventually, the car stopped at Walter's apartment building. He got out of the car and stuck his tongue out at Andrew. Andrew flipped him the bird. Walter angerly stomped up back to his apartment, where he was put into a new diaper. He stomped into his and Cynthia's room, where he saw her passed out, laying halfway off her bed, and just in her diaper, which was dull gray. Walter slammed the door, which caused her to jolt awake and fell headfirst on the floor.
"Andrew is a complete ass." Walter exclaimed.
"Really? I thought you were!" Cynthia said, grumpy.
"I found a real treasure map and he called me insane!" Walter yelled.
"Could you stop whining for 3 minutes and change me?" Cynthia asked before sneezing into her diaper.
"Change yourself you stupid bitch! I'm tired of being told what's real and what isn't!" Walter screamed.
Cynthia left the room and kindly asked her mother to change her. Walter sat on his bed, where he pulled the map out of his diaper and looked at it. He gently set it on his side table and grabbed the lamp that was next to it. He smashed it on the floor and then smashed Cynthia's lamp. He went on a tantrum rage, pulling the drawer's out of his dresser and throwing diapers around. After his mother finished changing Cynthia, she opened the door, revealing him, with an ax, about to chop off their cat's head. He saw her and gently lowered the ax, smiling in vain.
Meanwhile, it grew quite late at Andrew's house. Boland, who had donned a blue pull-up, was trying to get his brother to sleep. Andrew was laying in his crib, which he felt like sleeping in because he fell off his other bed several times. He was in a sky blue sleeper with a flap on the rear. Boland was sitting on a nearby stool, reading him a printed out copy of Leon 13's Echo Fright.
"What the hell does that mean? Said Richard." Boland read.
"It's not funny when you read it." Andrew said, bored.
"It's not funny in the first place. What do you expect from Leon 13's first complete story?" Boland said.
"You'd make me fall asleep from your boredom." Andrew said.
"Good, Then I'd do my job." Boland said.
"I'm not that tired. I could stay up all night if I wanted to." Andrew said.
"Oh please, you couldn't stay up one nanosecond past 10." Boland taunted.
"Is that a bet?" Andrew asked.
"No." Boland said.
"Because I'd be willing to bet my Xbox against your MP3." Andrew taunted.
"No." Boland said.
"Your just scared your gonna lose." Andrew said.
"What will it take for you to go to sleep?" Boland asked.
Andrew thought for a second.
"Some warm milk might help." Andrew said.
Boland rushed downstairs to get the drink.
"Little does he know that he'll have to get up in the middle of the night to change me from it." Andrew giggled.
Andrew heard a beep from his laptop. He climbed out of the crib and opened it, he had a program that allowed it to act like a cell phone.
"Andrew!" A voice said.
"Walter, will you just drop it!?" Andrew said.
"No No No! Just listen to me! I looked on the internet and found out that there was a treasure here left behind by the British after the American Revolution." Walter said.
"So?" Andrew asked.
"So that's what this map leads to!" Walter said.
"Walter I'd rather play Hidden Invasion the rest of my life than believe you about that fucking map." Andrew said.
"But I can't go out alone in the dark!" Walter said.
"Why don't you just wait till day?" Andrew asked.
"My mom gave me a huge spanking and grounded me for a year." Walter said.
"He He He. Why?" Andrew asked.
"Because I destroyed my room." Walter said.
"You know what? I bored of this, good night." Andrew said.
"Wait! I'll make it worth your while!" Walter said.
"How?" Andrew asked.
Walter took a deep breath.
"If we don't find it, you can have...Access to my Xbox live account" Walter said sadly.
"...How many points left?" Andrew asked.
"5000." Walter said.
"You got yourself a deal!" Andrew said.
Andrew closed his laptop and grabbed a rope from his toy chest. He threw outside the window and tied the other end to his closet door knob. He rappelled down to the street to meet up with Walter.
Unknowingly to him, Boland was watching from his doorway. A look of mischief filled his face.
"If mom finds out he ran off during the night, she'll kill him! I've got to catch him!" He said to himself.
Boland threw on a black T-shirt and blue shorts and took off after Andy.
Meanwhile, At Walter's house, Walter threw on a blue and red striped sweater. His sister, who was asleep, awoke when he got near the window.
"Where do you think your going?" She asked.
"Since when do you care?" Walter asked.
"Since mom paid me 25 bucks to make sure you don't leave while your grounded." Cynthia said.
"Cyn, please, this is something big." Walter said.
Before Cynthia could say anything else, Walter Jumped at her and muffled her mouth.
"This is a vial of Nitroglycerine. If you try to move, it will explode." Walter said, holding up a red vial.
"What if I just called for mom?" Cynthia asked.
Walter stuffed a rolled up sock as far in Cynthia's mouth as he could.
"Don't worry, I'll let you go when I get back." Walter said.
Walter kissed Cynthia on her snout before placing the vial on her stomach. He opened the window, waved goodbye, and fell down out of the 3rd floor. Apparently, he forgot about that. Fortunately, Walter landed on his right arm, which was good because he was left handed. Walter managed to reach the beach without passing out in terror from the dark. He felt something tap his shoulder and screamed while entering a fetal position. It was Andrew.
"Jesus, don't do that! I think I wet myself." Walter said.
"Your a complete puss." Andrew said.
"I don't suppose you have any spare diapers, do you?" Walter asked.
"Nope." Andrew said.
"Damn." Walter said.
Walter got up and dusted himself off. The temperature dropped and the front of Walter's diaper felt like a block of ice. He and Andrew walked into a forest along the beach. Boland peeked out from behind a lamp post.
"Once I show mom that your out during curfew, I am going to tape the video of her spanking you and watch it over and over again. Haahaahah Hahahahaah!" He laughed.
Andrew and Walter wandered aimlessly through the woods. They could barely see a thing.
"Please tell me you brought a flashlight." Andrew asked.
"I thought you had one." Walter said.
"Where am I supposed to keep a flashlight? In my flap?" Andrew asked.
"Yes." Walter said.
"Well I-" Andrew started before he walked straight into a tree.
"Hang on, let me look at the map." Walter said.
"Look at the map? It's pitch fucking black! How the hell are you going to look at the map?" Andrew demanded.
"Ring around the rosies, pocket full of posies." Sang several voices.
"Who the hell was that?" Walter asked.
"I don't know, but maybe they have flashlights. Follow their voices." Andrew said.
The boys felt their way around the trees until they came to a clearing where the moon was shining. There were 4 little human girls, all had black hair and white nightgowns. They danced around a stake on top of a woodpile.
"Excuse me! Do any of you..creepy little girls have a flashlight or something?" Walter asked.
The girls all turned and looked at the duo. Suddenly, their skin and dresses turned black and they all burst into flames! In case you don't know, these are Infernas from The Suffering. The all moved superfast, leaving trails of fire behind them. They encircled the boys with these trails.
"Damn it, we must have walked into the Klan's territory." Andrew said.
"Who cares? This fire's just the light we need." Walter said, looking at the map.
"Your still obsessed with that fucking map?" Andrew asked.
"Sweet! We just have to take 12 paces east." Walter said.
"How the hell are we gonna get out of this fire?" Andrew asked.
"I got an idea. Hey girls! It's Justin Bieber!" Walter yelled, pointing into the woods.
"Where!?" The girls shouted as they rushed into the woods.
Rubbing sweat off his forehead, Walter lead Andrew 12 paces east.
"Did you bring a shovel?" Andrew asked.
"I thought you would bring one." Walter said.
Andrew groaned angrily. Fortunately, Walter backtracked to that wooden stake and grabbed a shovel that was stuck in the ground. He returned with it and started digging.
"I hope it's worth something to the museums." Walter said.
"What?" Andrew asked.
"The brit's money. Thats what the treasure is." Walter said.
"And if it isn't, that account is mAAAAAAHHHH!" Andrew started.
A large green hand reached out from under the dirt and grabbed Andrew's leg. It was another imp, like the one earlier in the story. Walter press the shovel's spade against the imp's arm and stepped on it. The force severed the arm from the elbow. The rest of the arm retreated into the earth.
"Some fucking treasure!" Andrew said.
"I don't think this is the treasure." Walter said, looking at the map.
"You don't think? This is where the fucking map told us to go!" Andrew yelled.
"Actually, it isn't. It turns out, I got east and west mixed up." Walter said, blushing.
Andrew desperately wanted to strangle Walter. But his small belief in the treasure stopped him. The guys backtracked to where the crazy girls were. Boland hid behind the stake.
"You hear something?" Walter asked.
"Yeah, you talking." Andrew said.
"No, I hear something else, like a crackle." Walter said.
"You mean crinkle. It's probably one of our diapers." Andrew said.
"No, I said crackle." Walter said.
"Will you just get moving!" Andrew said impatiently.
Andrew grabbed Walter by the arm of his sweater and pulled him along the path. Boland peeked out from behind the stake.
"What are those Rugrats rip-offs up to?" Boland asked himself.
The duo walked through the pitch black area of the forest again. Walter suddenly began to see in the dark in a blue vision. His Heart rate picked up and started hearing voices in his head. All of these are references to Amnesia: The dark Descent's Psychological system.
"Where do you think your going?"
"Carpenter, get your rear in gear." (Haze reference)
"Six flags, last summer."
"I fear the pictures of Bin Laden may offend some of our citizens."
"Start reviewing slackers!"
"You and I are of the same mother." (F.E.A.R reference)
"What are ya buying?" (Resident Evil 4 reference)
"I can't find my swim diapers!"
"GOD MAKE THEM STOP!" Walter screamed.
"What the hell are you yelling about?" Andrew asked.
"The voices! The voices in my head!" He screamed.
"Those aren't in your head, your MP3 is on." Andrew pointed out.
"Oh that." Walter said.
Walter pulled his MP3 out of his sweater pocket. It's track was "weird voices that sound like they're in your head". He turned it off and they continued moving through the dark. Soon, they came to a small opening in the forest and it lead to a small patch of sand. The area was bathed in moonlight.
"See? This looks like an ideal treasure spot!" Walter said.
"Whatever." Andrew said.
Andrew sat down near the forest exit and watched Walter dig in the sand. He wet his diaper out of sheer boredom. It was nearly an hour when Walter was several feet under the ground. Andrew almost fell asleep before he heard a loud clunk.
"I hit something! I hit something!" Walter yelled.
Andrew thought it was merely an underground cable or something else metallic. Suddenly, a huge steel box flew out of the hole and barely missed landing on Andrew's tail. Walter climbed out of the hole, covered in dirt, excited as hell. Andrew couldn't believe it.
"I knew it! I knew it!" Walter said.
"Holy shit, whats inside it?" Andrew asked.
"We'll soon know." Walter said.
Walter stabbed the massive lock repeatedly with the shovel. Boland watched them from inside the forest. Walter, unable to smash the lock, shoved the shovel's spade in the crack on the chest's lid and pulled down on it. Andrew assisted him by sitting on the shovel itself and eventually, the lid popped open free of the lock. What Andrew saw made him soil his diaper. There were over 1000 gold coins in the box.
"We're rich! We're fucking rich!" Walter cried.
"It's true! It's true!" Andrew said.
The two joined hands and danced around happily. Boland couldn't believe what he saw. Real fucking gold.
"I haven't been this excited since the day I got my Xbox!" Andrew said.
Flashback...
It was Christmas Morning at Andrew's house. Andrew was in his white sleeper while Boland was still in a diaper. Boland had already opened most of his presents. Most of them were just cheap games for his already obsolete PS2. Games like Hidden Invasion, Overblood 2, Superman, and Echo Night Beyond. Andrew was about to open his first present which was large.
"Go ahead son, I think you'll like it." His dad said.
Andrew tore the green and red paper off and couldn't believe his eyes. It was a Xbox 360 Elite. Boland soiled his diaper when he saw it. His parents never got him anything like that for Christmas before. Andrew was so happy, he stood up on both legs and ran over to his dad and hugged him.
"Oh my god! He walked!" His mom said.
"So? I walk all the time." Boland said, jealous of all the attention he was getting.
"I know, but this is the first time your brother walked!" His mom said happily.
"I got you lots of games for it too, son." His dad said.
Andrew wet his diaper in excitement. Boland's mother picked him up and carried him off to change him. As she did, he saw Andy open some of his other presents. He sighed, knowing that this is what his life would be like.
Present day...
"God, that really was the best day of my life." Andrew said.
"I can't even think of what to buy with all this shit." Walter said.
Suddenly, someone slammed the trunk shut. The boys looked behind it and saw a man in a tan shirt with a brown pistol holster. He had blue jeans and black hair. In case you don't know, It's Nathan Drake from Uncharted.
"Who the fuck are you?" Walter asked.
"I'm Nathan Drake! And I've been searching for this treasure for years!" He hissed.
"How many?" Andrew asked.
"I don't know, maybe like a week or so. But this treasure is Mine! And you boys ain't taking it nowhere!" Drake said.
"Oh yeah? Just wait until we file a fake police report about how you stole this money from the National museum." Walter said.
2 minutes later.
Both Andrew and Walter were tied to wooden stakes on a small fishing boat out on the lake.
"You had to open your mouth." Andrew said.
"Shut up!" Walter hissed.
Drake was polishing his huge bowie knife by the chest of gold. He turned to the 2 captives and pressed it against Walter's throat.
"How would you like to die? Drown? Slit throat? Over eating?" He asked.
"I would actually prefer Lethal Injection." Walter said.
"By the way, do you happen to have any diapers on board? Mine feels like it weighs a ton." Andrew asked sheepishly.
Drake pressed the knife against Andrew's throat.
"Aren't you brats a little young to be out wandering around unsupervised?" Drake asked.
"No, have you ever seen any other shows featuring toddler characters? You know, like Fantastic Max, Rugrats, Baby Looney tunes." Andrew asked.
"I don't think that last one would count." Walter said.
"There was that one episode where Bugs went out into the dark alone." Andrew said.
"I still don't think that would count. Baby Felix would be a better example." Walter said.
"He doesn't even wear a diaper, he can't be a baby if he doesn't wear diapers." Andrew said.
"Theres always the possibility of someone rebooting it to make him wear diapers." Walter said.
"Fine, Leon 13 would love that. Pound puppies might apply to that situation as well." Andrew said.
"But he isn't even a baby." Walter said.
"Then why in god's name does he wear a diaper?" Andrew demanded.
"ALRIGHT! I GET IT!" Drake yelled.
Unknowingly to Drake, Boland sneaked aboard the boat before it departed. He was hiding in a box of wet towels and peeked through the crack of the chest. He glanced to the right and saw a harpoon laying on the deck. Drake pressed the knife against Walter's throat next.
"Ohh I've got the perfect place to dump your bodies." Drake said.
Boland slowly got out of the chest. Andrew saw him, but Boland gestured him to be silent. Quietly, he picked up the harpoon.
"Once I get this here treasure back to the people of Britain, they're gonna make me-" Drake started.
Then Boland plunged the harpoon into his back. Then he pressed on it and broke Drake's spine. He fell to the floor dead.
"That was the first non-bitchy thing I've ever seen you do. Now cut us down from here." Andrew said.
"Cut you down? You really think I'd do something like that?" Boland asked.
"Come on man. We'll let you have some of the dough." Walter said.
"Or.. I could just take it all myself." Boland said.
"I am gonna kill you for this!" Andrew hissed.
"How? Your tied to a pole." Boland pointed out.
"I'm swear, I will tear off your damn balls!" Andrew yelled.
"Maybe I should just throw you 2 overboard and be the only child again." Boland said.
"Kill us? We're only babies man." Walter said.
Andrew started chewing on the rope that held him to the post.
"Good luck cutting through the rope like that. You'll probably be free in several hours." Boland said sarcastically.
Boland greatly underestimated his kid brother's wrath. He chewed through the rope and landed on the deck. Boland, shocked to disbelief, pulled the harpoon out of Drake's back. Drake gave one last painful moan.
Boland thrust the harpoon towards Andrew. Before it hit, time froze and a large x button appeared on screen. It blinked and Andrew rolled out of the way. He jumped to his feet and punched Boland right in his groin. Boland dropped the harpoon and clutched his privates, falling over.
Andrew used Drake's bowie knife to cut Walter down.
"That was awesome man! Are you gonna finish him?" Walter asked.
"I'm not sure." Andrew said, tapping the knife against his chin.
Andrew looked at Boland, who curled over. He smiled at him.
"I think I'll just let him live. Killing him would be the best thing that could happen to him." Andrew continued.
Andrew looked at Walter and saw his eyes watering.
"What's wrong? Is this touching scene making you cry?" Andrew asked.
"No...I think I'm getting diaper rash." Walter said.
"Then take it off." Andrew said.
"What? I don't have anything else to wear." Walter said.
Andrew looked at Boland again. A devilish smile grew across his mouth.
"Take Boland's Pull up." He said.
"What?" Boland squealed.
"Ugh. I think I'd prefer the rash." Walter said.
"Oh thank god." Boland muttered.
"No, I really think you should wear his pull-ups." Andrew said.
"He's not wearing my pull ups!" Boland hissed.
Andrew grabbed the legs of Boland's pants and started pulling on them. Boland was caught off guard and Andrew pulled them off, revealing his blue lined pull up. Boland got up and ran to the other side of the boat, with Andrew in pursuit. Walter waited for a few minutes when he heard Boland cursing. Andrew back back to his side, holding Boland's pull-ups.
"There you go." Andrew said.
Walter let his bloated diaper fall to the floor and slipped into the pull ups.
"These things feel weird." He said.
"You'll feel better once we get this treasure home." Andrew said.
Walter perked up when he remembered the treasure. He and Andrew shoved Nathan Drake's corpse overboard. It descended to the underwater city of Rapture from Bioshock. A custodian near one of it's windows saw the corpse as it landed on it.
"Damn it, thats the fifth one this week. Fucking Big daddies." He muttered.
"So Boland's sitting up front naked?" Walter asked.
"No, that would be inhumane. I made him wear my diaper." Andrew said, pulling out his back flap.
"Rotten motherfucker." Boland muttered.
"This is greater than that one ending on Silent Hill 2." Andrew said.
Flashback...
A man with blonde hair, green jack and blue jeans sat on a chair next to a bed. His wife, a woman with orange hair and white pajamas lay on it.
"I can't live without you Mary." The man said.
"I'm dying James." Mary said.
"It can't be." James said.
"Maybe it had something to do with you plugging me with 40 rifle rounds." Mary said with a cough.
"You were trying to kill me! What was I supposed to do? Give you flowers again!?" James asked.
"Will you drop it with the damn flowers thing already?" Mary asked.
"How about I drop you with this!?" James yelled, holding up a wooden plank with a nail in it.
"You might as well. Our relationship is in the shitter." Mary said.
James hit Mary on the head with his wooden plank several times until her head was unrecognizeable.
"Whew, all this killing sure makes a guy tired." James said.
James picked up Mary's body and tried to force it into a small waste basket. After giving up and letting lay there, he laid down on the bed and fell asleep, cuddling his plank.
End flashback...
The boys agreed to hide the treasure at Andrew's home. Walter climbed up his drainspout and managed to slip into his bedroom window. He turned around and saw his pissed off sister. The "nitroglycerine" was spilled all over her nightgown. Their mother was right next to her.
"...Did I tell you guys we're rich?" Walter asked.
2 days later...
Andrew stood in front of a mirror for hours. He was examining several jewel encrusted safety pins he bought with some of his massive cash. His brother sat impatiently on his bed, holding his diaper.
"Will you hurry it up?" Boland asked.
"Give me a minute, I'm almost done." Andrew said.
Andrew picked the emerald pin and walked over to Boland.
"Put this one on me." He said.
Andrew laid down and Boland slid the diaper underneath him. He folded it over Andrew's hips and between his legs, then pinned them together with the emerald pin.
"Find something green for me to wear. It will look great with this." Andrew asked.
"Fine." Boland said.
While Boland dug around in Andrew's dresser, Andrew went downstairs. He had purchased a new cabinet to store his now massive Xbox 360 game collection. Walter was sitting on the couch, wearing a tuxedo-onesie combo shirt. He was watching something on Andrew's new plasma screen TV.
"Nice shirt, where did you get it?" Andrew asked.
"I forgot. I love that emerald pin." Walter said.
"What kind are you wearing?" Andrew asked.
Walter unsnapped his onesie's flap and revealed his cloth diaper that was sealed with a ruby encrusted pin.
"I like yours better. Wanna trade?" Andrew asked.
"Sure." Walter said.
Walter took his pin off and swapped it with Andrew's. Andrew almost let his diaper fall off. Boland came down with a green shirt.
"Here, this is the same color." he said.
"No it isn't." Andrew said.
Boland saw Andrew's ruby pin and groaned. He went back upstairs for a different shirt. Andrew's mother opened the door and let Violet in. She was wearing a very light purple shirt with a skirt on it. She hugged Andrew when she saw him.
"I love the ring you got me!" She said.
"I'm glad you did. It matches your color." Andrew said.
"I was wondering, maybe we could all go to Six Flags next week?" Violet asked.
"I can, but I don't think Walter can." Andrew said.
"I'm grounded until I turn 10." Walter said.
"Oh, well at least you can go." Violet said.
"If my brother can hurry up and find me a shirt that matches with my pin!" Andrew yelled upstairs.
"You don't have any red shirts!" Boland yelled down.
"Then bring down my Sapphire pin and a blue shirt!" Andrew yelled.
"I love that pin your wearing." Violet said.
"Would you like to wear it?" Andrew asked.
"If thats fine with you." Violet said.
Andrew took off the pin and held it to Violet. His diaper fell down, but he quickly pulled it back up.
"That reminds me. Do you still have that one sandbox?" Walter asked.
"Yes, just try not to get any on that pin." Andrew said.
Walter jumped down from the couch and ran outside.
"Some people have the strangest fetishes." Andrew said.
Meanwhile, in a well lit room, a little blue dinosaur was on his computer. All he wore was a plastic strapped diaper. He was typing this very story.
"Yes they do." He said.
The end.