Santana could hardly believe she was doing it. She knew she must be sinking to an all time low if she would even consider it, let alone actually follow through with it. But the facts of the matter were that she was driving herself crazy worrying, that she was thinking things through from every angle and coming up with exactly one disturbing conclusion every time.
As much as she might deny it or pretend otherwise, she, Santana Lopez, had absolutely no idea how to start up a relationship, or at the very least make sure that she could get to the point of possibly having one without scaring someone off.
This had never been a problem for her before. In high school, she could be as bitchy and cutting as she pleased, and because teenaged boys would be more than happy to sleep with any cheerleader, any time, who was even semi attractive, they were more than willing to put up with her and whatever she wanted to dish out towards them, as long as she put out as well as dished out. None of them cared very much if she was done with them once the deed was done, and she had had very little real interest in maintaining an actual relationship with them, though it had taken her some time to figure out that this was not because relationships were "lame," "boring," or "pointless," or because the boys were too "young" or "immature," but rather because she was much more interested in their female counterparts. Regardless of any of this, Santana had never even considered changing her behavior in order to date a guy or to try to keep a guy.
Even with Brittany, it had been different. She had not deliberately changed her behavior around Brittany so much as felt so differently around her she had unconsciously softened and altered herself, partly because she was happier and less angry with Brittany's proximity and influence, partly because she knew that Brittany disliked her being "mean" and disapproved. It had not involved thought or effort on her part, and it had not seemed difficult, nor mysterious in any way.
But with Dani, this was a whole new territory. Dani wasn't a fake front, a one night stand, or a long time friend, who already knew and understood so much of her, gradually sliding into more. Dani was new and exciting and potentially different from anything Santana had ever previously experienced, and Santana was not so good with the uncharted territories. She had no idea what to do or where to go, and she was privately terrified that she would mess it all up before she ever got close to having a shot at all.
Sure, Dani seemed accepting enough so far, even amused by Santana's frequent foot in the mouth syndrome and not exactly shocked by Santana's sarcasms, insults, and attitude. So far she seemed pretty hard to scare off. But the day might come where she'd realize exactly what she was getting herself into, sooner rather than later, and Santana just didn't want that to happen without making sure she'd tried everything she could to keep her first.
And so this was what lead her to approach her roommates, one evening where none were on shift at the diner, and through gritted teeth and very reluctant wording, all without much eye contact, to ask them, to her own near shame and great embarrassment, for dating advice. And the worst thing about it was that both Rachel and Kurt seemed not only way more eager to give it than she was okay with, but also both seemed to have been waiting, expectant, for her to ask in the first place.
"Oh thank god," was Kurt's reply as he leaned back overly dramatically on the couch, invoking Santana's answering scowl at his exaggeratedly relieved expression. "I was beginning to think you would actually attempt to navigate this on your own, and we all know exactly how painful that would be."
"Oh, it's gonna get real painful for you, for sure, if you don't shove the comments and just start talking tips here," Santana growled back, crossing her arms and shifting most of her weight to one hip as she stood across from them, eyebrows raised. She was grateful that with her coloring, they probably couldn't tell from her skin tone how warm her cheeks felt to her…probably.
"I was beginning to think that we would have to simply continue to give you our opinions unsolicited, which you typically disregard, no matter how correct and helpful they are," was Rachel's input, and as she smiled up at Santana, Santana held up a warning finger, eyes narrowed towards her.
"Rachel, if you say one word that sounds anything like adorable, or if you clap your hands, I swear you are gonna wake up to find your lips sewn shut with steel thread."
"I don't think steel thread exists, Santana," was Rachel's dismissive reply. "Or does it? Perhaps in some instances it would be useful and needed, but I am unsure-"
"Okay, this isn't happening," Santana put up both hands now, starting to back off as Rachel's musing threatened to become a full on ramble. "No, no, changed my mind, backing out now. I don't know what temporary insanity overtook me just now, but there is no way in hell I'm gonna sit here and get schooled by the only two people in all of New York City who have only slept with two people and yet still managed to both get engaged before they were twenty. What the hell do either of you know about friggin' relationships?"
"Well, some might say that the fact that we've had so few and that they were both serious enough to warrant a proposal would indicate that we know quite a lot about maintaining relationships," Kurt pointed out, even as Santana continued to shake her head, backing away.
"Oh hells no. This is lame. I had a girlfriend, we were together for like eight months, thank you very much, and she didn't kill me or even leave out hating me, so I don't need this crap from either of you."
"And yet you came to us not two minutes ago…asking for it," Kurt reminded her, as Rachel stood up and walked towards her, taking on the earnest tone that Santana knew all too well by now.
"Of course you did, Santana, and the two of you were great together, you were. You were really good to her and you really loved her, anyone could see that. But look back, San, think. You've known Brittany all your life, basically. So when the two of you were getting together as a couple, you didn't have to learn about her or even really try with her at all, you didn't have to pick and choose what to tell her when or how to behave or worry what she would think, because you knew she already knew you and loved you and accepted you for exactly who you are. She understood you already, so you didn't have to get used to her or let her get used to you or teach her anything about you, you didn't have to make an impression on her or learn what she liked or worry about doing anything to make her run away, because you already knew she loved you. I'm not saying that Dani won't love you or doesn't like you or that she's going to judge you or be scared of you, of course not, because she seems pretty smitten and you're amazing," Rachel went on, now taking Santana's shoulder and squeezing lightly, as though to try to reassure her. "But she doesn't know everything there is to know about you, and it might take her some time to understand all the Santana quirks and kinks- no, I am NOT talking about sex, Santana!" she added hastily as Santana's lips twitched, eyebrows raising, and she started to smirk back at her. "But you know what I'm talking about. She's not Brittany, and it's different. You have to have time to get to know each other, and in the mean time, there are basic relationship dos and don'ts that you should take into consideration."
"Like don't get pregnant…oh, right, not an option. Don't let her stray and sleep with another guy…oh right, also not an option," Santana said pointedly, looking at Rachel and then Kurt in turn, who just looked back at her, unamused.
"Santana…all jokes aside, we want to help, and you probably need it," Rachel said firmly, as Kurt piped up from the couch, "Definitely need it," in conjunction with her. "Will you listen to us and trust us, or at least try to, or not?"
Santana paused, looking between them, and then sighed heavily, letting her shoulders slump, and shrugged off Rachel's hand. "Fine. Whatever…what am I supposed to do, then, according to you two "experts" of heavy duty booty…kidding," she rolled her eyes at their expression. "Lay it on me."
"Good," Rachel smiled at her, almost beaming, really, and when she started to wrap her arms around Santana in a hug, Santana let her for a few seconds before shrugging her off.
"Damn, Berry, can we please just get through this as painlessly as possible?"
"Well, first off, when you're having a conversation with her- and yes, having frequent conversations with her that aren't necessarily simply to convey needed information or to work her towards sex are necessary- listen to her when she talks. Don't cut her off to make some sarcastic comment or insult-like you're doing to me right now, "Kurt pointed out with raised eyebrows as Santana's mouth opened and she started to point her finger towards him. "Listen to her. Ask questions. And don't roll your eyes or smirk at her like you think she's stupid or annoying."
"I only do that with people who ARE stupid and annoying," Santana was rolling her eyes even as she spoke, huffing loudly as she crossed her arms over her chest. "If people don't give me a reason-"
"Don't cross your arms," was Kurt's next instruction. "It makes you look defensive and annoyed, or else like you just don't really care what the other person is saying- which obviously is you about ninety percent of the time, but if you don't want Dani to get that impression, uncross the arms."
"Where am I supposed to put them, straight out in front of me like a zombie? Around her neck, or maybe just stick my hands around yours?" was Santana's comment to that, but she did uncross her arms.
"Don't make sexual comments to her during inappropriate times, settings, or when the mood is not emotionally right," Rachel put in next, "nor should you make comments which display homophobia, which, Santana, considering you are a lesbian, come from you with surprisingly high frequency. I understand you were a cheerleader and you come from a religious family, as well as the commonality of homophobic attitudes within the Latina community, but even so-"
"Okay, you're calling me a homophobe and here you are throwing off on ethnicity, the hell you think makes you the expert on that, Berry, you spending another night reading up on Wikipedia and think it makes you the Mexican hotshot along with the relationship wizard?" Santana started, but Rachel was unruffled.
"No, I simply am aware of the statistical norms, I am making no such assumptions towards you or your family but I am sharing the facts with you for you to determine whether they suit your own purpose. But getting back to the homophobia, I would also advice, Santana, that you never imply based upon her behavior that she has a penis-"
"And just in case you ever wander back towards the male side of the dating fence, you should never imply that a guy DOESN'T have a penis, or has a significant lack of length in one," Kurt added, and then he and Rachel were trading back and forth, picking up rhythm and speed.
"Don't make sexually ignorant comments or imply that she is either sexually frigid or promiscuous based off assumptions or even observations-"
"Don't make up stupid nicknames like Dani the Man-i or Dan the Man-"
"Don't mock her appearance or her body in any way-"
"Don't pout or scowl or stomp around sulking when she suggests things that are fun to do simply because you are afraid they will make you look dorky or uncool-"
"Don't talk about your cock or being cockblocked as if you actually have a penis-"
"Right, because everyone knows you don't, Santana, you have forced us both to see your unclothed body frequently enough that Kurt and I are quite aware that you are indeed a female and so speaking of having masculine body parts which do not actually exist on your person is really rather silly-"
"Don't go through her things and if you do, don't look at her like she's completely insane because she gets offended over it, because if she's as normal as she seems, she will be offended by it," was Kurt's next suggestion, and Rachel bounced right off that. It seemed to Santana as she struggled to keep up with them that they had stored a novel's worth of instructions towards her, and the dam was breaking now, flooding her with so many commands she couldn't do much more than swivel her head back and forth between them like a tennis match, attempting to just hear, let alone retain.
"Don't leave your personal belongings strewn all over her home, and if you do and she asks you to clean up after yourself, do it with minimal threats of destruction or violence," Rachel stated, and Kurt added to this one too.
"Actually, keep the threats of violence down to a base rate of zero, as a general rule."
"Don't look at her like she's insane or diseased when she hugs you-"
"Don't take her hair gel or any products of enhancement whatsoever, and do NOT use her razors to shave your legs with-"
"Don't insult her friends or family members, no matter how stupid or annoying you think they are-"
"Or her hair, or her clothes, or her voice, or her taste in music or books or movies, or…you know what, Santana? Just don't' insult her," Kurt summed up in full, and Rachel, frowning, nodded finally, seeming to think this covered the majority of the rest of what was on her mind.
"Yes, that makes it simple. Don't insult her."
Simple?! Santana had barely been able to listen, let alone implement their "simple" instructions, and as for the final verdict of not insulting her….that to Santana was about as natural and expected as breathing. Genuinely dismayed, she stared between her roommates, mouth slightly open as she shook her head at them.
"You just said all the things NOT to do…what am I supposed to actually do then?! What am I ALLOWED to do?"
"Just talk to her, Santana, like a normal human being…if that's not too much of a stretch for you," Kurt had to add in the last little dig at the end, his own lips quirking. "Be honest with her, walk with her, remember what she says and show you're interested. Even if you're not. It's REALLY not that hard- or shouldn't be."
"Just be yourself, San," Rachel added earnestly, taking Santana by the arm again and giving her a little squeeze to emphasize her words. "Because if she really does like you, she'll see that under everything else, you're pretty amazing."
Santana raised her eyebrows, in spite of their instructions to the contrary, and crossed her arms over her chest, shaking off Rachel's hand to do so as she tilted her head towards them both at a sharp angle.
"Okay so let me get this one straight here. How am I being myself if I can't do any of the things I do on a regular, daily, constant basis?"
And both Kurt and Rachel blinked, then looked at each other, stumped.
"Um," was Rachel's response as she found herself uncharacteristically at a loss for words.
"Well," Kurt said slowly, appearing to be searching for a response himself. "Maybe…maybe Dani's the one we should be having a conversation with…if we can't change you, at least we can…try to prep her?"
And this was about when Santana sighed as loudly as was possible and covered her face with both hands. Because if she let those two sic themselves on Dani, talking about HER, she really was screwed.