Hey everyone :) I'm so sorry it's been so long! But I am officially done with the semester so now I have all Christmas break to write :) I just get super busy with school and work! Thanks for all the messages and support and waiting!
Chapter Eight
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By the time they found a clearing that Hook deemed safe enough to rest in, it was getting dark, so she helped him start a fire before she finally forced him to sit down so she could look at his head.
The silence and Hook's unwavering gaze on her as she tore off a piece of shirt to use as a rag were making her tense. In truth, it was his stare that was unnerving her the most and no matter how much he tried to hide it, he had been staring at her all day. She had to clamp her jaw shut to keep from snapping at him to stop. At least until after she cleaned up the cut on his face. He had jumped in front of the chimera to keep her from getting struck and she wasn't going to pretend she wasn't grateful for that, even though she was still confused and overwhelmed by her intense reaction to him getting hurt. Hook coughed or cleared his throat, she really couldn't tell, before he hesitantly asked, "Were you always in Boston?"
Emma glanced up at him briefly, surprised by the question, before going back to pouring rum on the cloth and shortly answering, "Yeah." She couldn't figure him out and it was driving her crazy. When he first had found her, he had kissed her. After that, he had acted reserved and indifferent, visibly trying to keep his distance from her, but still annoyingly keeping his eyes glued to her, only to then jump in front of chimera for her and wake up wondering why she was calling him Hook. Had he ever mentioned another name to her? Not that she could recall, and she was sure that was something she would have remembered. Not to mention the picture she found… All of it was making her frustrated and self-conscious, because now she didn't know how to act, constantly wondering if she was disappointing him somehow. She didn't know what their relationship had been, but if it had really been that important, he probably wouldn't be so keen on agreeing to not tell her anything, right? Maybe she was just lying to herself. Ever since she could remember, the lost feeling, the instinct to push people away, seemed hardwired into her very soul.
When that was the only answer she gave him, he raised an eyebrow and waved his hand, giving her an expectant look. "What did you do?"
"I stole for a while until I got my bearings," Emma told him, earning a mischievous and almost proud grin from him. She sat down across from him, raising the rum soaked cloth to his head, and couldn't help but smirk when he gave out a small hiss, "then I worked for a private investigator."
"Any friends?" he asked curiously.
Biting the inside of her cheek, she quietly replied, "It's hard to get to know someone when you don't even know who you are."
His arm twitched like he was about to reach out for her, but she must have imagined it since he just continued on, "But surely you must've met people, you were there for almost a year…"
The tone of his voice made her falter her dabbing at his cut. She didn't know why she hadn't caught on to it when he had asked her about friends. His forced casual tone, his body tensed, his hand clenched in a fist on his knee… "There was never anyone if that's what you're getting at," Emma said, looking down at him with some amusement and suspicion.
His answer came fast. "It wasn't," Hook replied, his tone brisk and terse. But as he looked away from her, his body visibly relaxing, she could tell he wasn't being entirely truthful.
In an attempt to break the tension that had suddenly gotten heavier, she popped open his flask again and took a long swig. Hook didn't say anything, only raised an eyebrow at her, unnerving her even more by looking so damn happy by her actions. Why would he be glad that she was drinking his rum? "So this curse," Emma sighed, continuing to wipe away the blood that had trailed off and dried on the side of his face, "it took away everyone's memories and sent them to Storybrooke?"
"Until you broke it," Hook corrected with a grin.
Emma furrowed her eyebrows, disbelieving and overwhelmed that she broke such a curse. Of all the things people had tried to tell her about herself over the past few days, no one had bothered to mention that? "The book didn't get that far," Emma muttered.
Hook's eyes snapped up at her, eagerness in his voice. "You have Henry's book?"
"No, Tamara did. I didn't know it was Henry's or I would've tried to keep it." Emma explained dispassionately, surprised that the book was Henry's. She was now so frustrated at herself that she almost missed the brief look of disappointment in Hook's eyes and was surprised that Hook seemed to care about it. "Were you a pirate in Storybrooke too?" she asked after studying him for a moment, the leather, eyeliner, and jewelry, trying to imagine someone who embodied such a fairytale character living in the real world. Or as real as Storybrooke got.
"Technically, I was never a victim of the curse," Hook said, taking his own generous swig from the flask now that she was done cleaning up his head, "I remained here and traveled to Storybrooke shortly after the curse was broken."
Emma remained seated beside him, peering at him curiously, "And how were you lucky enough to get exempt?"
"Lass," Hook sighed, looking weary now, "that is a very long story."
Trying not to feel disappointed that he wasn't going to share anything with her, she started to fiddle with the shoelace bracelet she had been wearing when she woke up in the hospital, something she could never bring herself to take off and had always wondered where it was from. "So people travel back and forth a lot?" she asked, not looking up at him.
"No," Hook said, his low, accented voice breaking her out of her reverie, "the beans came much later."
She looked back up at him when she couldn't stand the burn of his gaze any longer. His bright blue eyes were glowing in the firelight; the intensity of them almost took her breath away and she couldn't remember when they had seemed to move closer. "How did you find a way then?" she asked lowly, swallowing hard.
He paused, something changing in his gaze she didn't understand, but still made her heart beat faster and brought heat to her cheek. He answered, almost whispering, "I climbed a beanstalk." His reply and gaze captivated her, something stirring inside of her that she could almost reach, something that spoke to her and whispered of answers. She glanced now at his lips, the memory of what they felt like on hers and how he had kissed her before overwhelming her, and it was all too much. She pushed forward -
Hook suddenly flinched back, making her jump, and stood up abruptly, not looking at her. "I'll set up the tent," he announced hoarsely before walking off.
Emma sat there, stunned and unable to move, cheeks now red from embarrassment. She couldn't believe what she had almost done. She didn't know what had just taken over her. It was their whole stupid situation. Stupid fire. Stupid stars.
She was an idiot.
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She was three, and she was watching who she thought were her mommy and daddy drive away in a car through the window of the strange building they had left her in, hot tears streaming down her face. Some lady came up behind her, patting her gently on the back as she said "I'm sorry, but they have their own baby to take care of now…"
And then there were endless flashes of different parents and families, ones that all rejected, ignored, left, beat, and sent her away… time and time again…
At night, she would clutch the woven blanket with her name on it, crying and asking why her parents left her, over and over and over…
She was 14, and she could hear the taunts and ridicules from the other girls at school as they spit the name 'orphan' at her like it was something dirty…
She was 17, promises and memories of Neal being crushed and broken, just like her, as her hands were pulled behind her back and she was booked for a crime she didn't commit…
Pain ripped through her, almost breaking her in half, but soon a small cry broke through the chaos. "It's a boy, Emma." She couldn't look, but everything in her body screamed and protested, that was her baby. "I can't be a mother…" And then they took him away and her heart snapped in two, this time for good…
Broken, alone, unwanted…
Each flash was getting worse and worse…
She was 28, and she was sobbing as a man died in her arms, her helpless to do anything about it…
Hook was in front of her. She trapped behind wooden, pointed bars, unable to escape as he taunted her with a bean. "This is a symbol, of something that was once magical, full of hope, and possibility. But now look at it, dried up, dead, useless - much like you. The time for making deals is done… just as I am done… with you."
A shot rang out and Neal slumped to the floor, but as she ran over to him, Tamara threw a bean at the ground and a green, swirling vortex opened up. She was holding on to his hand for dear life, unable to let go, but he did, and she cried out as she saw him disappear into the void…
She was running, faster than she had in her entire life, as she saw two figures jumping into a portal with Henry... Flashes of an island shot through her head, a place that was dark, dangerous, threatening, pushing her to embrace all of what she had tried to suppress…
A boy's words taunted her… "He still hasn't forgiven you, either."
And then she was diving into a dark abyss, her head pounding, the pain sharp, water filling her lungs…
She couldn't breathe…
Emma's eyes popped open, arms flailing and body shaking, trying to gasp for air, but there was a hand over her mouth that made her panicked even more. Through blurry vision, she looked up and saw Hook staring down at her, his eyes anxious and apologetic as he quietly shushed her. A strange noise was coming from a distance and she briefly remembered Hook warning her about ogres before she had fallen asleep. Guessing that was what the noise was, she composed herself as much as she could and tried to stifle the cries that were threatening to escape. After a moment, the noise quieted down and Hook removed his hand, immediately stating, "I'm sorry, but you were screaming."
Unable to bottle down the pain coursing rapidly through her from the hazy, overwhelming dream any longer, a painful sob tore through her body and she couldn't stop the tears from escaping. All of the wounds from people leaving her seemed fresh and she wasn't sure how she survived them the first time. That is, if the dream was even real memories. "Emma, love, it's okay," Hook pleaded, sounding desperate and concerned. His hand was on her cheek, attempting to wipe away her tears, but they were coming so hard and fast, his face was still a blur to her. He sat her up, pulling her to his chest, "it was just a nightmare."
Trying to get her breathing under control, she shakily answered, "I think they were memories." But were they really? All she had was a bunch of images, all of them cutting her deep and permanently. She couldn't remember names, barely recognized faces or situations, all of it pounding through her mind in a disorganized and befuddling flow, but they all burned her nonetheless.
"Of what?" Hook asked patiently, soothingly rubbing his hand up and down her back. She couldn't believe she was actually letting him, clinging to him like a lifeline even though he had clearly rejected her hours before, but after reliving so many people leaving her or dying, she craved the human contact, if only for this moment.
Emma hesitated, unsure if she could bring herself to voice the flashes, especially to him, "I…"
"It's okay, you can tell me," Hook said, pulling back slightly to give her such a encouraging, hopeful, yet hesitant smile, that he kind of reminded her of some bashful teenager, "Maybe I can help."
Resolve breaking, Emma began with the memory that was the clearest, the one that had truly cut to her core and shattered her heart into a million pieces. "I had to give him away," she croaked, knowing that he would know immediately who she was talking about somehow. Emma closed her eyes, wishing she could get rid of all the images, "and then I lost him again." Before she knew it, words were uncontrollably spewing out of her, a painful, emotional floodgate over taking her again, "And there were all these flashes of this island and Henry was never going to forgive me and then I was drowning-"
"That was Neverland," Hook said, cutting her off gently, "Pan took Henry but you got him back." Peter Pan took Henry? Wasn't he suppose to be a good guy? It must have been him telling her Henry had never forgiven her for giving him up. His words still rang shrilly in her ears. What if Henry didn't even want to see her when she finally got back to the castle? She had left him again… Hook must have been able to read the panic still on her face. He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out the picture of her and Henry, surprising her by still having it with him. "This picture was taken about a week after we finally made it back to Storybrooke," Hook told her, placing the picture in her hands, "His birthday had passed during our time in Neverland so you celebrated it then," his confident and reassuring tone made her stare down at the picture wistfully, "See, he was happy," he glanced down at the picture, murmuring, "you both were."
"How long after this did I…?" Emma asked, her voice trailing off as she pointed up at her head.
Hook's jaw clenched as he looked away from her, his voice turning rough, "Three days." He swallowed hard before going on, "I guess we should have known being able to escape so easily was too good to be true." He tried to plaster a smile on his face, perhaps in an attempt to lighten the disparity that had crept into the tent, but Emma still continued to stare down at the picture. "You'll see him soon."
Emma opened her mouth, about to tell him she remembered a moment with him, to demand to know why he was helping her now if he called her useless and left her in a cell before, but she quickly stopped herself, thinking better of it. There was an underlining guilt that had accompanied that memory that hadn't been there with the others. "Can I…" Emma began shakily, closing her eyes briefly. She needed to compose herself, sort through the memories, alone, away from his eyes that always seemed to see too much. "I just need a moment alone."
She kept her eyes closed and after a short pause, she finally heard him murmur, "As you wish." Emma let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding when he stepped out of the tent. How was she suppose to fall back asleep after this? Her head was spinning and there was a throbbing in her gut that wouldn't go away. Too much had happened in too little time. That's what she needed. Time…
Laying alone in the darkness of the tent, consumed by her own thoughts, she wasn't sure how much time had passed, but she was grateful Hook had stayed out and kept watch. She jumped when she suddenly heard the unsheathing of a sword and was about to ask Hook what was going on when she heard him speak instead. "Ah, well if it isn't little miss wolf," he drawled, annoyance and surprise lacing his voice as he put his sword away. Wolf…?
Emma heard a faint, female groan. "I told you not to call me that," the woman mumbled. Anger subtly began to creep up her spine. Why was some woman here in the middle of the night to talk to him? Was that why he hadn't kissed her?
"Fine. Ruby." Hook replied shortly, "What are you doing here?"
"I'm here to get Emma," the woman stated, "Snow got a report that your ship had docked and thought it might be safer if I helped get her through the forest." Oh. So this woman knew her mother? She immediately felt embarrassed at her initial dislike of this woman because of Hook. It's not like it would have mattered anyway. Not at all.
"She's sleeping." Hook said dismissively, leaving no room for argument.
Curiosity getting the best of her, Emma subtly scooted as close to the tent door as she could to hear them better.
"I told her that her parents sent me," Hook sighed, like she was forcing the words out of him. Emma felt anticipation bubbling in her stomach, having missed part of the conversation and not sure if she really wanted to hear all of this on top of the nightmares still plaguing her mind.
"Her parents wanted to send just Neal," the woman, Ruby, told him with some frustration, "You know, the only person who is actually familiar with that world."
"As I recall," Hook replied, and Emma could practically see the sneer on his face, "the Prince handed me the beans himself."
"Only because you hovered over them day and night until they were ready," Ruby snapped exasperatedly, "They were afraid you would-"
"Of course I bloody did," Hook growled, "It was anyone's guess as to what happened to her when she fell through, where she was, if she was hurt…" He trailed off and she thought she might have heard him kick something.
"She-"
"She has no memories," Hook suddenly roared. Emma heard Ruby quickly shush him and she could practically feel their stares on the tent to see if the outburst had woken her. Emma stilled, keeping as quiet as she could, only relaxing when she heard Hook continue. "None," he hissed, "It's a bloody miracle she's been able handle all this suddenly being forced on her."
She could barely hear Ruby now. "But you didn't have to lie about-"
So he had lied about something? Emma bit her lip, wondering why the knowledge seemed to sting. "I didn't lie," Hook ground out scathingly, cutting off Ruby before she finished the sentence.
Pinching the bridge of her nose, Emma's head started to hurt again. She was the one who had told Hook she didn't want to know anything until she had found her parents and Henry, until she had time to sort through what she already did know, and now here she was, eavesdropping in their conversation, making her even more confused and conflicted. She drifted her attention back to the conversation when she heard Hook start arguing indignantly. "What else was I suppose to do? She was practically sprinting out the door."
"But you know if Emma gets her memories back-"
"When she does," Hook corrected tersely. The unwavering conviction in Hook's voice took her by surprise.
The woman took a deep breath before she continued, the calm, level tone of her voice coming out forced, "You know she won't be happy about you not be entirely truthful."
"She'll understand," Hook snapped, "and besides, getting her here was more important."
"You should try to explain everything to her when you still have the chance, instead of waiting-"
"It won't make any difference."
"You underestimate her feelings," Ruby shot back, "She got hurt protecting you-"
What? Images of the blurry faced man from her one, initial memory flashed through her head. That wasn't him… was it? "She's the savior," Hook muttered. Emma's eyes widened. The Savior? What the hell? No, she couldn't be. She wasn't savior material. Clearly. Had people just started calling her that since she had broken that curse? "She protects everyone."
She knew she should stop listening now, but she remained where she was.
"Or she's in love with you too."
Emma's entire body stiffened, a simple little word echoing tauntingly in her head. Too. Too? Meaning he was already in love with her? Half of her wasn't even surprised, almost like she had always known from that first she saw him on that Boston street. It was fact that she had seen in all actions and she had just refused to believe it, too scared of what it meant, just delaying the inevitable. But the other half…
She glanced down at the picture still beside her. She wasn't her. The smiling blonde who knew who she was. That was the woman he was in love with. It suddenly all clicked. His initial distance, why he wouldn't kiss her, why he seemed so determined that she would get her memories back. Without her memories, she was just someone with the same face as that Emma, his Emma. How would she ever be good enough? She was just a shell. And who could love a shell?
She didn't remember him, so why did it hurt so bad?
"I've got things under control," she heard Hook growl, "She doesn't need anymore people trying to tell her who she is. She's strong, she's already been remembering some on her own."
"She hit her head, Hook," the woman sighed with some exasperation, "she wasn't cursed." Her voice turned more sympathetic and subdued. "There might not be a way to get all her memories back."
There was a long pause before Hook quietly answered. "I know."
The sadness in his voice just continued to stab at her heart further, his rejected and nightmare repeating over and over in her head. They exchanged more words but all she really hear was Ruby grumbling, "Snow's not going to be happy about this."
Emma slid further back into the tent, heart pounding, desperately and anxiously forming a plan in her head. How was she suppose to face him now knowing what she heard? Ruby was right, there was no guarantee that she would ever get her memory back. She had to run, end ties now before he got his hopes up and she ended up disappointed and heartbroken. It was too much. Everything was too much.
It got quiet after awhile, so she guessed Ruby must have gone. Maybe she could catch up to her once she left. When she heard Hook come into the tent, she pretended to be asleep, hoping it was already time for her to take watch. It took all of her strength not to jump or react when she felt Hook start running his hand slowly up and down her arm. "Emma," he whispered.
She faked a groan, removing her arm from his grasp by reaching up to rub at her eyes, not looking at him. "Is it my turn?"
"Yes, but if you need to rest more I can-"
Cutting him off, she quickly jumped up and fled the tent. "No, it's fine." Emma plopped down in front of the fire, breathing a sigh of relief that he hadn't tried to follow her. Now all she had to do was wait for him to fall asleep and then she could go. Easy. It was for the best. Right? Right.
Eventually she heard mumbling and snuck a peek into the tent, seeing that he was just talking in his sleeping, a frown on his face, and took off, not daring to look back.
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A/N: So next chapter is from Hook's POV from a day in the year Emma was missing in the Enchanted Forest, just to give better context of what was going on and how people were dealing with her absence. I hope you liked it!