Still Breathing
Chapter 5
You Spin Me Right Round
000
Notes: Right so loads of things going on, still plugging away when the computer wants to work. Microsoft and the company are both dead ends. My only choice is to save up money for a new win 7 disk so I can reload windows and get my computer working. At least the bright side is with buying a disk I can upgrade my desktop too.
Past that, currently spending time either trying to do some drawings and getting paid work (art and writing) done as well.
The art is easier to get to, but looking for some more chapter art. I'm thinking of opening up for other artists to do a few scenes from the story. Just because I have well over 30 chapters between the two stories plus the dabbles to illustrate.
000
"A Queen?" Karkat managed to stammer sounding shocked. "But…"
"I didn't know that we where that desperate. So, I just kept it to myself. I didn't need the position or the headache. There is no more room here and, well, I was afraid they would send me back to the other hive, and thus in the same area as Gamzee." She stared at her hands, clenched before her until her fingers paled.
Karkat reached over and took her hands in his own, "And now?"
"You need the help. No one knows yet still, so if I just go with you and then announce they cannot try to claim me here." The olive blood pointed out.
Karkat paused, she had a point. "But what about Gamzee?"
She gave a bit of a growl and then sighed "I… still hate him, and I think I always will, but watching him with that human. " she sighed and her face softened, "He's, trying to find redemption like the rest of us. And for him he has made her his. So, maybe it's time I quit hiding."
She looked up and then paused. Feeling like something inside her suddenly broke.
Karkat was smiling at her.
When they were young she tried so hard to get a smile from him. The most she could manage was a snort of amusement. He would yell and bluster and yet would take time to pick her up and dust her off.
So many pages in her little notebook, even now, were dedicated to him.
And for the first time, she saw that smile. One he wore so seldom, and it was directed at her. She felt her lip quiver and he just leaned over, pulling her close and stroking her hair. Making calming sounds as she felt the tears come again.
Why did she always end up like this? Crying like a pupa who lost their lusus whenever he was near?
But she gave into the tears as he told her she was brave. Wonderful. All the things she had only dreamed of him saying to her.
She wondered what happened to have made him so much less guarded? He had always been kind when they were young. Pretending he was not but he had been the kindest person she'd ever known. Always trying to push others away though as if something scared him.
And now, that fear was gone.
What changed? Was it that human? She felt a pang of jealousy. Was it some sort of pale infidelity?
Ok, well that was kind of cool, like a trashy troll romance. A highblood seeking the affections of another and his Moirail ends up becoming Moirails with the Highblood's choice.
Her tears dried up as she found her mind trailing all the possibilities and her fingers itching to add this to her shipping book.
"So… Just what is your relationship with this human turned Lusus?"
Karkat suddenly started laughing "No, I have not been committing Pale Infidelity, I know just what you are thinking. Hope, is… Well I guess the closest thing is she's kind of the human concept of 'family'. We have Gamzee, Hope, Jade, and Myself and then there are the kids and Eridan's lusus and Sirius." He told her "its kind of weird, but it works. I, haven't felt this happy in a long time." He admitted to her as she sat up. He hunted about his pockets and found a pocket pack of tissues. Likely for one of the kids. He handed it to her and she took out a couple to wipe her eyes and blow her nose.
"Jade?"
"Another human. She's the mother of Eric"
"Oh that human boy who's changed the humans status."
He nodded "He willingly gave his life to save the Empress. Binding them together."
"But, I thought that humans, well they are not overly long lived." She said.
"We are not sure who's lifespan she has, her own or his, but for the time being she is alive and she is our hope for bringing the trolls all together."
"To stop another Orphaner?" she asked.
He nodded "Yes." He leaned his elbows on the tabletop and rested his chin against his clasped hands "And other things. We hope that her close attachment to the human will be what we need to help bridge the gap between humans and trolls. That she will be able to bring the peace and change we need to survive on this world."
"But you also have the Prince, you think it will be an issue?"
"The three of them seem to be forming a tight relationship. At the moment, all pale."
Pushing back some of her hair Nepeta whistled. A triad? Particularly tight triads were incredibly rare. A trolls naturally violent and jealous nature usually precluded such things. But, if the Empress was forming a triad…
That would open so many possibilities! Not just for her own little book and personal entertainment, but for all troll relationships (As the legends of Disciple and Sufferer had once launched so many romantic ideals), let alone the new position this had created, and the first human position among the troll castes! An Heir! It was all exciting. She wondered if the new position was going to change troll cinema. The current filming locations were all human, but a couple troll studios were starting up.
On top of it all, she'd been watching every time they had come, and she had always watched Gamzee so close. At first because of her fear and hatred of him, but then…
She could not help but notice the way he watched the human/lusus. It was like one of the films she use to watch back on their home world. A tragic story that pointed out the differences in lifespan. A highblood falling in love with a low blood and just how little time they had with each other. Let alone if the lowblood was able to make it to their lusus stage, the changes inside them, often meant that they were incapable of feeling as they once did. Some stayed together, even then, the Highblood would look after, protect and care for their prior quadrantmate.
She still recalled one story that was her favorite of a low maroon blood who's black crush became instead her matesprit, and how she changed into a lusus and he remained, watching over her always. It had been so very tragic and beautiful. All because she had tried to rescue another troll who'd lost all his emotions and she had been the Maiden who could give them back. Taking the shattered pieces from others were they had tried to find homes.
It had all been quite interesting. She wished she could find a copy, but she never brought her own dvds with her when they had all loaded hastily into the ships and she had not met anyone else who had that particular series either.
Karkat was giving her an amused look and she looked down realizing she'd been sketching in her book, furiously adding all the various combinations that had been coming to mind while she'd been thinking.
She blushed greatly "Um…"
"It's alright." He said smiling as he leaned on his elbow "If you didn't periodically go off on one of your quadrant ships I would think something was seriously wrong with you."
She snorted and bumped him in an attempt to knock him off the seat.
So he half fell which made her laugh and when he righted himself he bumped her back.
This made her giggle and with a happy purr she attacked her friend.
"NEPETA!"
000
Gamzee wasn't surprised when the Queen Beleza came by, that female was itching for eggs. It was almost lusus like her desire for young was, but then she'd watched a few humans with the same desire as even though all females were possible lusus among humans, there had been females with no desire and even males who's desire for young was even stronger than the females.
It had all been a fascinating thing to observe. Even if half the time he loose track and forget. It was not nearly as bad as when he was younger and still on the Sopor.
With a sigh he let his mind blank out, not wanting to be caught too off guard as she leaned against the wall next to him.
"I'll say it now, No." he told her before she could even speak.
He felt sorry for her when she sagged then gave him a dirty look "You could have at least waited until I asked."
He shook his head "If you are that desperate, you could always go after Karkat. The fucker never done his duty far as I know."
She raised a brow "He seems perfectly amenable, but with the grey eyes and small horns I cannot tell what his blood color is, and I'm not allowed anything less than my own blood color."
Gamzee chuckled "Well his recently took a few steps up." He told her.
Wide deep blue eyes turned and looked at him "he's… red?"
"The most beautiful fucking candy apple red you have ever laid eyes on."
"How has he lived this long?"
Gamzee shrugged "Miracles and timing."
She paused and seemed to be considering this new development. "I am pretty sure our district leader would consider it blasphemous. She's, pretty vocal about her opinions."
"This is by the Empress' choice, the district Highbloods get no say." Gamzee reminded her.
"That is true, it's just," she sighed "I apologize Highblood, I should not be bothering you with my personal problems.
Gamzee frowned at her, "You are a Queen, higher than even the District Highblood in position. No one can tell you what to do. Except your Mothergrub and the Empress."
She wrapped her arms around herself "How it's meant to be, but, I am actually fairly new to this and well, I was discovered on the ships." The shudder that traveled her skin made Gamzee soften towards her.
He could imagine. Her status would have protected her, but that would not have stopped other horrors from happening to her.
And he knew of worse things than death.
"Did you hear about the call for Queens? Our Hive was blown up, we'll be having a new Mothergrub, but well, so far no Queens, and only one Attendant." He told her watching for her reaction out of the corner of his eye.
And her expression of shock said clearly she had not heard.
"Only one Attendant?"
"A human." He told her "She and the troll that offered to become the Mothergrub are, I guess, moirails, and the human is a Null."
"But, only ONE? We have, so many here! And a human! I thought you were ridiculous for allowing a human lusus, but seeing this human Hope and the jade blood Tavros, I amended my thoughts on that, but to have a human attend to the mothergrub? We ourselves surely could have spared at least twenty for a proper entourage!"
Gamzee gave a shrug "According to your Highblood you guys had no one to spare."
"Really?" Beleza's expression turned incredibly dark. And he could almost hear the creaking of her bones as her hands clenched.
Gamzee hid his grin. Yes, he had a feeling this desperate to work Queen would feel very strongly. "Of course, if you did not mind giving some information. The other District Highbloods would very much enjoy an excuse to help you and your fellow Queens."
The Queen was quiet and leaned against the wall, lost in thought.
Karkat came around the corner with Nepeta, the two of them laughing. He glanced at them and saw from the animated way they were talking they had likely moved onto disgussion about rom coms or other such relationship focused things. Gamzee found himself grinning.
Then nearly laughing when suddenly Beleza pushed herself from the wall and marched over to Karkat. She stared down at him silently her arms crossed.
The smaller troll blinked up at her and both he and the olive blooded Nepeta went quiet.
Then picking him up by the back of his shirt Beleza threw him over her shoulder and went marching into the hive. Nepeta's eyes were the size of saucers and Gamzee dissolved into laughter.
"What the... FUCK! What are you doing? Put me down! Hey... wait... Beleza? Wha-FUCK!"
Nepeta stared at Gamzee in confusion and he was attempting to get himself under control "I informed her of Karkat's change in position in the caste orders. I think she has decided to get herself some work before anyone can tell her no."
The other's mouth formed a silent 'oh' and then she giggled. "Oh dear, this…" and she suddenly took off "I need to make sure she doesn't break him!"
"She'll break something alright." Gamzee grinned. Highblood had spoken a few times of wanting to make sure some of Karkat moved onto another generation. So, Gamzee just ensured it.
And he was pretty sure his best friend would enjoy this a bit better than some of the Highblood's suggestions.
000
Ana's club dripped with colored blood. She stood over the little group of grubs, her teeth bared and eyes wide with crazed rage. Giving her a raucous smile stretching her face.
"You shouldn't be…" Vierge had started before the child had dove into the group of lusus who had surrounded a few low blood grubs.
But Ana dove in, and where she had gone her own Lusus had followed. Leaving the male Jade blood holding the fuzzily blinking Hope.
"um.." he looked about himself helplessly. He was just to lead the children, no one told him they were going to start attacking the lusus over a handful of grubs.
"I do not condone the wonton waist of life. Our numbers are small enough without phsycotic trolls and our elders claiming their blood thirsty natures is condonable just because the child is helpless." She turned very cold eyes upon the Attendant and Vierge gulped and went down to his knees, head bowed.
He had met the prior Empress once, and at the moment this child had the same look. The look that said if she was not made happy.
The world would suffer.
Eridan took aim with his gun and the blast of rifle was heard and echoed. Another lusus fell.
"Good shot Eri." Eric said his arms crossed and eyes narrowed. Maybe it was his connection to Feferi, or that over the last few months the child had encountered more death and destruction than a boy his age should have been exposed to.
Or maybe when he saw the lusus going after the helpless grubs he was reminded of other adults who had hurt his friends. Ana and Feferi.
Lusus drew back and Feferi stood tall as her small frame would allow and Sirius came over kneeling down. She climbed up ontop of his shoulders and stood there above the heads of all who could see and hear her in the tunnels "It is a new decree and a new age. We cannot allow the wonton unnecessary murder of our young anymore! Any lusus or troll who will not respect this order will be culled. This is a new world and a new way of doing things. These 'old ways' no longer work.
We decree that all hives will protect the grubs. Will place them in peaceful homes and that they will learn the lessons to allow them to live in this world of humans.
We cull the old ways. Some still work and some cannot be changed, but the careless deaths of our children will stop now!"
Vierge blinked at the Empress and as she glared around. A tiny child dressed in bright cheerful colors with the mark of her position blazoned upon her chest.
He, felt hope.
And then stared at the sound the human he held made was a happy and contented sound of a lu-no…
Of a Mothergrub.
Feferi hopped down from her perch and glared around herself, the surviving bullies were backing off and leaving the vicinity.
She turned to the little group, mostly brown and maroon, but tucked in the back was a single little waterdweller. She blinked as one of the other grubs, a yellow psychic threw itself over the little waterdweller.
Who was bleeding bright candy red from a cut along its fins.
000
The children reached the Mothergrub's chambers with no other issues. Ana was carrying the little waterdweller who's tail was bandaged up with a strip of material that Feferi had ripped from her own skirts. A tiny yellow grub, undersized or still very young tumbled and bounced along beside her. If it started falling too far behind Sirius would lean down and bop it with his nose rolling it up faster. Which made the little grub scared at first, but now it would slow down on purpose just to get half tossed/bounced up the way.
Several of the other grubs had just made themselves scarce out of fear, but a few others had hesitantly stayed with them. So that the children carried little grubs who likely were the happiest they ever been in this tiny short lives.
Protected, they were quickly developing games, and the children were more than willing to play with them as well. As the children and Lusus set themselves up in one corner of the chamber with their new friends Vierge and Tavros went to the mothergrub with Hope. Who was walking on her own at least by this point. Something about how she carried herself had Vierge feeling as if he should be putting himself as much at her feet as he should for the Queen he tended, the Mothergrub or the Empress.
She went to the Mothergrub and sat on her dias. Falling into the arms of the angelic creature, the two of them singing to eachother.
Tavros was smiling. The older Jade looked down at the younger "What?" he was still just shaken, his whole world was being turned topsy tervy and he wasn't sure he liked it.
"I think this time we'll have real progress with my Mom." He said to the other troll "I think, what Feferi announced might have made that other in her head finally feel she herself can move on."
"Oh, well, that's good." If it stopped making the human act like a Mothergrub he would be very happy.
"Well, I had a few things in mind for today, but, I'm afraid it's all quite out of my head, so… Why don't you go practice what you know about mental healing on those grubs." He told him. Get some practical application going. That was a good idea and he could then abscond himself from the situation and go get a drink, or six.
"Ok!" Tavros smiled and went off to play with his friends and the grubs. Other Attendants and Queens were watching and Vierge felt if he didn't hurry he would be explaining himself so much he'd never get that drink.
Oh he needed to calm his shattered nerves.
Next time, he'll get Beleza to lead them. He was done with that part. He'll still train the boy, but he wasn't going to be leading the Empress anywhere anymore if she was going to be making declarations for fair treatment of grubs.
000
Hope lay on a chair next to the pool, dressed in a two piece swimming suit and sunglasses perched on her nose. Warm sun turning her pale skin a little more bronze.
Next to her there was an oddly pale troll with a slight glow to her skin. She was dressed with a sheer shawl thrown over her head and shoulders. She watched the ocean beyond the swimming pool. The other side she saw another troll, with wings like a lunar moth and was kicking her feet in the water.
"Finally! A breakthrough!" the winged troll grinned cheerfully. She seemed, so incredibly young.
The other troll snorted. Hope glanced towards the sky and paused as it seemed the clouds were, showing something…
A hand covered her gaze and she turned to see the Lunar Winged Troll. Her eyes odd for a troll until Hope put her finger on it. They were not the golden color with the colored centers. They were indeed a bright green, but the once yellow areas were white.
Like a human's.
"Don't go staring off too much. What's up there is very changeable and its best just to let it go as it will without our involvement. Right Dolly?" the troll looked over to the other who sighed.
"Yes well, I had my reasons."
"And why are you still here then?"
"Because I haven't finished what I need to do." She said crossing her arms.
"Yes well you are destroying her mind!"
"Well that's well and good for you, but" she sighed and looked down, her fingers laced together in her lap "I am sorry child, if I had gotten more time, but that vile Dualscar had ended up moving faster than I predicted."
"Well, he was always a force of nature." The other troll said.
"Who are you?" Hope finally managed and both looked at her.
"Mothergrubs." They said in unison.
Hope sat up and looked around herself, for the first time she was, well focused. She looked between the two. The one with the moth wings seemed, well alive, and the other when she looked up her eyes were completely white.
And she felt, long dead.
"okay." The human said and rubbed her head. She could hear music.
"Don't focus too much on the song, for now we have a connection where we can all discuss what is going to happen." The one that the Lunar Winged Troll called 'Dolly' said.
Hope sat up and flopped her chin in her hand "And why does this involve me?" she asked.
"Because you have made yourself a crossroad." The moth winged troll told her coming over and resting hands on her back in a maternal gesture. "You are one of the ones who will help us all. Your place gives us possibilities and change."
"How? I'm, just human. And plane and average. I'm not smart, or beautiful or famous."
Dolly chuckled "You do yourself a disservice. For you are so much more than mere human labels." She said reaching out and taking her hand. There was a familiarness to the touch, that part of her wanted to reject.
But as she looked at it she realized that was a stupid scared part and she pushed it away, rejecting it as silly. This kindly troll was not going to hurt her.
"But how?"
They both smiled at her "For being you." They said.
Hope raised a brow "Oh don't give me that fucking crap."
Dolly chuckled "But in this case, it is true. You have abilities you are only now learning to touch. Your species is still only now beginning to actually harness your own mental abilities. There is a sort of connection among you all that runs deeper than anything among us trolls. And you are able to tap into it. But when I tried to show you how to consciously do so, the connection and your subconscious rejected such thoughts. "
"Thus rejecting her, and because she couldn't' leave, the rejection was just cycling and well." The winged troll shrugged.
"It was killing me?" Hope guessed and the other two nodded.
"So, what now?" she asked them.
"Now, we figure out what we will do for the future." Dolly said.
"I've helped Dolly create her own dream bubble, connected to you but now she won't be trapped in your head and the two of you can talk a bit more face to face when you are sleeping."
"Oh, well," Hope thought about it and nodded "That I think would be better." Talking in dead troll languages and getting so screwed up she didn't know what was troll and what was human was exhausting.
"So, for now we're just finishing the parameters." The moth winged troll said. "And we'll be able set and keep a separation for you both."
Hope nodded "Makes sense I guess."
"So, just relax and enjoy the sun." Dolly said and she sat and looked up towards the horizon, watching the edge of where the water met the sky.
Hope thought about it and she adjusted the chair so she could lay on her belly and tan her back.
Kicking water with bare feet the third troll grinned and hummed to herself which the Dolorosa picked up the melody and unconsciously Hope began to counter harmonize with.
Grinning widely the mothergrub solidified the bubble dimension and enjoyed the freedom. Perhaps they would let her keep a connection?
Because this felt like a place to which she could fly.