In the end, Lelouch had granted his childhood friend one last gift: the punishment of living only as Zero. Suzaku Kururugi was dead. The thought was never far from his mind as he dutifully kept watch over the little empress, who looked at him with those big eyes that reminded him of her late brother. The pain of standing there like a ghost while the others went about building better lives and doing things he ached to do was intoxicating and no more than he deserved. In secret, Suzaku was thankful for it. Perhaps one day he would endure enough pain to balance his guilt.
He watched his old comrades and the Black Knights from within the safety of his mask while meeting with them. None of them looked like they suspected anything, though to the Black Knights that had been with Zero from the beginning it was apparent that it was not the same man within the disguise. Ohgi, who had stepped into his role as Japan's prime minister with ease, treated him with respect. Gino sometimes stared at him with suspicion when he thought Zero wasn't looking his way.
He only really despised his fate when he saw the former ace of the Black Knights. She didn't attend the meetings regularly since she was not as involved in politics these days, but Ohgi valued her input. Suzaku looked forward to seeing her. She often came dressed casually, looking more like the normal teenager she should have been. He found these meetings more difficult to conduct because his mind always took him back to the sweet moments he stole with the girl. The girl who thought she was responsible for his supposed death. Did she grieve for him? He wished he could ask. It felt slightly sadistic to wish she had. It was never clear what he meant to her.
Kallen didn't so much as glance his way, even when he addressed her directly. Overall, the girl had let herself sink into the quiet persona of her early Ashford days. Suzaku knew she was living in a small apartment near the academy with her mother and that she was attending classes once more. Her pursuit of education to better her life made him feel a twinge of happiness for her sake, but he couldn't stop the worry that bubbled up when she made an appearance with the Black Knights looking emotionally drained. Gino was obviously worried as well. Suzaku often overhead his boisterous ex-comrade trying to wheedle the girl into accompanying him to lunch or the cinema or even the beach. His advances were always rejected politely.
Almost a year after Lelouch's death, Nunnally grabbed Suzaku's hand while he pushed her wheelchair down a corridor and blurted out, "Zero, invite Kallen to the palace. I want to see her."
Suzaku nearly balked at the command. The empress blinked up at him with pleading eyes like she knew it was Suzaku under the mask. He was terrible at denying her.
"Yes, Your Excellency," he replied.
While he stood watch over Nunnally at dinner, he considered sending her a letter. A letter was nice and impersonal, but what would he say? There wasn't much to write, so perhaps it would be more of a note in the end. Would a note seem disrespectful? Then, he realized that Kallen could easily ignore a simple note. And he had no idea what was going on in her head these days, so she very well might ignore it.
Suzaku grimaced behind his mask. He would have to invite her himself. There wasn't a meeting scheduled within the next month and he wasn't comfortable with sneaking into her home where her mother was trying to recover. It wasn't as if he could just show up at her school either.
Then, a snide voice in the back of his head suggested simply calling the girl. He felt like a perfect fool.
The next day Suzaku waited until two o'clock in the afternoon when Nunnally asked to be left alone in the library to place the call. He paced back and forth in his private suite, phone in hand, and tried to compose a speech that would sound like Lelouch. Eventually he realized he could not and was putting far too much effort into what should be a simple task.
"Hello?" Kallen's voice sounded tired when she answered.
"Kallen, it's Zero." In only a few seconds, he already felt tongue-tied and dumb.
The other end of the line was quiet for a long moment. "Why are you calling me? Is something wrong?"
"Her Majesty requests an audience with you."
Suzaku could hear what sounded to be like another man shouting something obscene. Then, Kallen's voice replied, "You wish, asshole!" Unbidden, a laugh slipped out of his mouth. It sounded strange through the mask.
After a bit of static and another curse, Kallen put the phone back against her ear. "Sorry about that. When does she want to see me?"
"At your earliest convenience."
"All right, I'll be there in an hour."
She disconnected the call without waiting for his answer. Suzaku stared down at the phone in disbelief. An hour? His stomach knotted. She's just coming to see Nunnally. I don't have to say anything to her.
The empress was, of course, thrilled. She immediately insisted on changing into a nicer dress and kindly asked if the kitchen staff would mind providing tea and some little cakes from the previous night's dinner. Suzaku went to the balcony overlooking the front gardens while Nunnally went to her suite with her ladies' maids and readied herself.
An hour after the phone call, a girl entered the gardens Suzaku kept watch over. She strode with purpose like a warrior off to battle, but wore a white summer dress and a lavender cardigan. Her hair, which had been allowed to grow a little past her shoulders, was tossed around her head by the wind. When she disappeared from view, Suzaku smoothed his uniform over his nervous gut and went inside to greet her. In the entry room, she held her arms out while allowing two guards to pat her body down for weapons and search her bag. Annoyed, she looked up at Zero as he descended the principal staircase.
Suzaku sucked in a deep breath to steady his nerves. Then, he bellowed, "Miss Kozuki is an old friend of Her Majesty. Let her through."
The guards bowed their heads and stepped away from the irritated girl. She snatched her purse away from them and followed Zero to Nunnally's favorite sitting parlor on the second floor. A tense silence crackled around them as they walked. Suzaku sneaked glances at her and wanted desperately to say something, anything to break the silence. He wanted to tell her she looked pretty.
Nunnally smiled serenely from her place at the table when the pair entered the room. "Kallen! I've missed you."
Kallen bowed her head out of respect and took the other seat at the small table with a lace tablecloth and an inviting display of tea and cakes. "How have you been, Your Highness?"
The empress giggled and wrinkled her nose, looking more like the sixteen-year-old girl she was. "Call me Nunnally. I'll never get used to the fancy titles."
Suzaku stood a few feet behind Nunnally's back, watching Kallen's expressions and mannerisms. It seemed like a decade since he'd seen her smile.
"You deserve the fancy titles and the respect that comes with it," Kallen said kindly as she poured a cup of tea, first for the young empress and then for herself. "Have you been getting on well?"
"Quite well, thank you. Zero has been most attentive and helpful."
"And the UFN leaders? Tell me if they're rude. I'm not above knocking some heads together."
Nunnally laughed again. "Some of them haven't adjusted to the idea of my being empress, but I can't really blame them since I still can't believe it some days."
Kallen smiled and wrapped her hands around her warm teacup. "You're doing a brilliant job. Lelouch would be so proud."
"Do you really think so?" Nunnally asked shyly.
The redhead looked surprised. "Of course. There's no one more qualified than you for this. Who gives a damn about how young you are?" When she realized what she had said, she blushed. "Sorry."
"I've heard worse," Nunnally said with a dismissive wave of her hand. "Have you been going to school?"
"Yeah. I'm back at Ashford. It's... not really the same, though."
"I bet there's a lot of people missing."
Kallen smiled sadly. "Yeah. I still talk with Milly when she visits. She's at some fancy-shmancy university studying journalism."
"That sounds like a good fit for her. Have you applied to any universities yet?"
Suzaku was suddenly thankful for Nunnally's inviting her. These were things he had been wanting to ask her himself, but didn't know how to without giving himself away.
"Not yet. Ohgi keeps telling me to go into political science so he can retire, but I can't see myself as a politician. Gino says I should take a couple years off and travel with him."
The blond knight was once a good friend of Suzaku's, but he found himself hoping he wouldn't get his way. Every time he heard Gino flirt with Kallen he wanted to hit something. His jealousy was useless, though. What did he have to offer Kallen? A plagued mind? An identity crisis? Gino was far more suitable to be her lover. Still, he resented his friend for it.
"You should be one of my advisors!" Nunnally cried excitedly. "I'd hire you even without any university. You're so smart, Kallen, and you would know what's truly best for Japan. I know we haven't spoken in a while, but you're one of the only ones who understood my brother. You understand what it's like for me. I think of you as one of my best friends."
Kallen blushed again and shook her head in embarrassment. "I think of you as a good friend, too, Nunnally. I don't think I'm exactly qualified, though."
"You're so modest," Nunnally laughed. "Oh, say you'll think about it."
"All right, I'll think about it."
The smile that softened her eyes made Suzaku's chest ache.
"How's your mother doing?" Nunnally asked kindly.
If he had blinked, he would have missed the subtle tightening in Kallen's eyes.
She cleared her throat and said, "She's fine."
Suzaku silently willed Nunnally to call her out on whatever she was hiding. He desperately wanted to ask what was wrong.
"You're lying," said the empress gently after a minute.
Kallen scratched the side of her nose with a pale pink fingernail and cleared her throat again. "My mom died a few months ago."
"Have you told anyone? I haven't heard anything from Ohgi or the others."
"No. She was cremated. There wasn't a funeral. Ohgi was in South America on business. Plus, Villetta just had a baby so I didn't want to rain on their parade."
"No one else knows?"
Kallen shrugged one of her bony shoulders. "It'd be weird to bring it up now. Mom didn't have any friends or family, so there wasn't anyone to tell on that front."
"Oh, Kallen, I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have to deal with that on your own."
"It's fine." She had gotten more talented at hiding her feelings, Suzaku noted. "I'm just happy I got a little more time with her."
"If you want to talk about it with me, you can. I'd like to think we're friends, Kallen."
"Of course we are, Nunnally," Kallen smiled. "I'm still adjusting to... life, I guess."
"It feels like a dream, doesn't it?"
"It does."
Two hours later, Kallen and Nunnally bid each other goodbye with a kiss to the other's cheek. Suzaku escorted the older girl to the doorway. She kept her head forward and her mouth shut as they walked, but he noticed her cheeks were pink.
As they parted, he managed to weakly say, "I'll see you at the next meeting, Kallen."
She nodded and stepped out into the bright afternoon sun. He watched her go and then spent the rest of the day in a sullen trance, wishing he had been able to talk to her and hold her and kiss her. Knowing she was alone and isolating herself worried him. It worried him enough to consider contacting her again.
While Nunnally wished him a good night, she tilted her head and smiled up at him and said, "Zero, you should take a few days off. Things are quiet here. You deserve a break."
"Your Majesty, I couldn't-"
"Sure you can. It's an order." She left no room for argument and wheeled herself into her bedroom.
Suzaku, dressed in an old sweatshirt, baggy jeans, and a faded baseball cap pulled low over his eyes, crept out of the palace and into the balmy darkness of a warm summer night. In his hand, a slip of paper with an address crumpled helplessly with the force of his grip. He told himself this wasn't "stalking" but rather "checking up on an old friend." Each time he went over it in his head, it became less believable.
The air was sticky and hot. He regretted wearing the sweatshirt, but it had seemed necessary. Sweat beaded along his hairline and between his shoulders. He could feel his t-shirt dampen and cling to his skin. He felt disgusting. His task felt disgusting.
The nondescript apartment building had no security whatsoever and this irked Suzaku deeply. Kallen was a force of nature, to be sure, but she wasn't invincible. So what if the war was over? Plenty of people could be holding a grudge against her.
He quickly deduced which window belonged to her before sneaking up the fire escape. Most windows were conveniently curtained, but Kallen's was left open. Shaking his head, Suzaku knelt and peeked inside. The small living room boasted only a beige couch and a board of photos on the wall. A small television sat on the floor in the corner with bent antennas.
Then, he heard humming and the soft padding of bare foot on the wood floor. Kallen walked into view, holding a bowl of rice, wearing only a tank top and shorts.
I'm such a pervert. Suzaku wanted to leave, wanted to forget he ever came here like this, but he was glued in place. Kallen sat on the couch and ate quietly. His throat went tight as he admired her thin arms, long neck, and shapely legs. How cruel of her to leave them bare. Before he could reign in his thoughts, he wondered if she always dressed like this when she was alone.
Suddenly, her sharp gaze slammed into his wandering one.
"You know, most people use the front door," she said.
He froze and his brain short-circuited. Before he could convince his legs to flee, Kallen was at the window, shoving it open all the way.
"Get in," she hissed.
Hanging his head in shame, he crawled through the window and stood before her.
"Ugh, you stink," she told him. With angry shoves, Kallen pushed him into her bathroom and violently ripped his sweatshirt over his head, bringing his t-shirt with it as well. His baseball cap fell to the floor. Stunned, he allowed it.
"I'm going to wash these. Take a shower."
Finally, his mind caught up to him. He was half-naked in Kallen's bathroom. She hadn't screamed or told him he was supposed to be dead or tried to kill him again. Deeply, he regretted his decision to come here, but he couldn't shake the little warm spot in his chest at being seen and touched by another human being without being enshrouded in the mystery of Zero.
It only took five minutes to clean himself under the warm spray, but it took twenty minutes to muster the courage to face her again. Being without a shirt didn't help.
Arms folded across his bare chest, he stepped out of the bathroom and guiltily padded back to the living room where Kallen waited on the couch.
She did not sweep her eyes over his body like he had done to her. He hated himself even more. Then, she squinted and tilted her head, puzzling over something.
"Who cuts your hair?" she asked.
He blinked. "What?"
"Your hair. It should be longer by now. Do you cut it yourself?"
"Yeah. Erm... does it look okay?"
Kallen shrugged. "It looks the same. I just thought you'd look a lot different."
"Well, I'm a bit more pale."
Her eyes fell to his chest. "Yeah."
Suzaku shifted awkwardly. "You don't seem surprised to see me."
"I'm not. I knew it was you when you... when you killed Lelouch. I knew him enough to know he wouldn't pick just anyone to take his place. You were his best friend. And I've fought you enough to recognize the way you move."
He nodded and chewed his bottom lip, unable to look at her anymore. Standing before her without the disguise he had become accustomed to, Suzaku felt more vulnerable and exposed than he had in a long time.
Kallen sighed. "Do you want to sit down?" she asked blankly.
Without speaking, he shuffled over to the other end of the couch and sat. The girl beside him pulled her knees to her chest.
"Kallen-"
"Why did you come here? Why now?"
"I don't have a good excuse," he admitted, feeling foolish. "I've been worried about you."
Unexpectedly, she laughed into her knees. He looked at her, pouting slightly. Her shoulders shook with her giggling. His eyes were drawn to a pale scar that ran over her left shoulder.
"God, that's so dumb. You died, Suzaku. You ran your best friend through with a sword. You've been living a lie, posing as the man you used to loathe with a passion and you're worried about me?"
"I deserve what I got. You don't deserve to be alone, Kallen."
Her foot lashed out and kicked his arm. "Idiot."
Suzaku caught her ankle and stood, pulling her leg up into the air. The girl was flung ungracefully onto her back. Her arms flailed to stop her from falling off the couch altogether. It was his turn to laugh.
"Let go," she demanded angrily.
"No," he hugged her calf to his chest and looked at her with childish triumph. Her other foot kicked his hip, but not hard enough to make him release her.
"Come work for Nunnally."
Kallen's eyes bulged, her mouth fell open. "If you're looking for a fuckbuddy, you're barking up the wrong tree."
His face felt hot. "I'm not... I don't want casual sex from you. I think you'd be a good advisor. Nunnally needs people she can trust. You're obviously confused about what your next move should be. Why not this? If it doesn't work out, then you can figure out something else."
She gave him a smile that was crooked. Her eyes went hazy and then watery. Covering her face with her hands, Kallen took a shuddering breath and said, "Suzaku, I was a chess piece. For years, I was a chess piece. Now the game is over and I can't-"
"You're more than that. Life isn't over for you just because Lelouch is dead."
The heels of her hands dug into her eyes, willfully forcing back tears.
"If it makes you feel any better, Zero may be different but he still needs his ace," Suzaku said, trying his best to be charming.
"You're an ass."
"And you're lucky you're cute. Only reason I'm trying to help you," he teased.
"So you are here for a booty call."
"You wish," he retorted, adjusting his hold on her ankle.
She squawked in indignation. "Whatever."
"Oh, please, you were the one ripping my clothes off earlier."
Kallen removed her hands to glare up at him. "You're the one who came to my house smelling like ass. I may be a former terrorist, but I am still a lady."
Suzaku let his eyes follow the curves of the leg he was holding. "Yeah, I know."
What happened next was a bit of a blur because the soft, warm skin of her calf distracted him. All of a sudden, he was laying on his back. Kallen knelt over him, her knee pressing into his gut. His shoulder throbbed from the impact. The scent of orange blossoms invaded his nose. He was sort of happy to find she smelled the same. The ends of her hair tickled his cheeks as she leaned in close.
"You're going to get killed if you let a pretty girl's leg ruin your focus."
"You're the only one I stare at."
"Ugh." She rolled her eyes and crawled off of him. He listened to her feet patter against the bare floor as she headed into the kitchen. Dishes clinked against the countertop. He heard water running for a minute. Then, the clicking of a gas burner trying to light. Suzaku slowly climbed to his feet.
"Want some tea?" Kallen offered.
"Uh, sure."
"Oolong?"
"Yeah, whatever's fine." He ambled into the cramped kitchen area, sweeping his eyes over the chipped countertops, the bare shelves, and dingy curtains over the small, barred window.
Kallen's movements were slow and graceful as she spooned three scoops of sugar and poured a small amount of honey into her mug.
"How do you take yours?"
"I'll have what you're having."
She nodded and added the same amount of sugar and honey to his mug as well.
"Are you really not going to take the job?" he pestered. "I mean, you won't ever have to make your own tea again."
"I like making my own tea."
"What can I say to convince you?"
Kallen turned and rested her hip against the counter. "Who says I'm not convinced? I'm going to call Nunnally tomorrow morning."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
She shrugged. "I wanted to see if you'd beg."
"You're a piece of work." She exasperated him, but he hugged her anyway. Kallen struggled at first, but after a few minutes of him holding her body tightly against his, she gave in and gently wrapped her arms around his waist. She could hear his racing heartbeat.
"This would be a lot less awkward if you were wearing a shirt," she mumbled.
Suzaku rested his chin on the top of her hair. "You should've thought of that before you stole my shirt."
She pulled against his hold on her. "I didn't think you'd hug me, you big freak."
"Not the first time you were wrong."
For a moment, she was silent, thinking. He enjoyed the quiet while it lasted, inhaling the scent of her shampoo.
"Why are you so happy about me coming to the palace? Won't I just drudge up bad memories?"
Suzaku sighed. "I see Zero every time I look in the mirror. Seeing you won't be a bad thing."
Kallen playfully poked his side. "You like me."
"Yeah, maybe I do. Took one too many kicks to the head."
"Shut up."
Relief swept over him like a cool wave as the kettle began to whistle. Kallen would come to live and work at the palace. She would have a purpose again. He could watch over her, keep her safe, tease her until she smiled.
Still, the thought that maybe someone like Gino would be better equipped to pull her from her misery. Suzaku held her tighter, silently hoping she would be patient until he himself could be good enough. For the first time, he thought maybe he could be good enough again. Kallen Kozuki made a very compelling reason to try.