Chapter 8: That Sad Look In His Eyes

He shuts the door, like he has seen some sort of ghost. The way he just glances at me without a word of feeling or emotion, and the way his eyes have a particular sad glint; I know this is not his real self. I'm his Mother, I'm not stupid nor am I blind.

I just want him to tell me. I wish it was as simple as him telling me directly what's wrong like when he was a young boy. Things are no longer like that, as much I wish to deny it. My baby boy is all grown up.

What is wrong with him? He hasn't been angry, well not in many years. He doesn't show emotion that much and when it does it feels all too rehearsed. I know he loves me and his brother, I don't doubt that. But it is like he forgot why he loved us.

When he gave up fighting, I think he forgot the meaning. It pains me to say it, but how can someone smile so much after everything they have endured?

Gohan used to when he was younger look at me with so much emotion; different ones at that and now it's mostly the same one. With Goku, it was different. Even if you got the smile, his smile varied at times, but also he wasn't happy all the time.

Gohan is too happy to be okay. I know it sounds crazy, but it is my motherly instincts telling me that he is not fine and he hasn't been for a long time. At least when he was younger and around a week he had shown all different emotions, but now he is just so empty inside.

I'm happy he isn't fighting. I know he is going to be something in this world. However, while he gave up fighting, he may be safe but he is unhappy. I want him to be happy and despite the fact he isn't being true to himself; he should be breaking the rules. He should be going against what I say, I would like that!

Something goes through the door the front door? It catches my eye. Him; blonde hair, teal eyes and that height…

He is my son, the one who got left behind when he came home that day. Why is this happening? Why on Earth can I see my nightmares; the ghost of my dead husband. He looks so much like him. Is this the son I have been waiting to see for so long? The one who can be both sad and happy?

"Hi Mum, do you miss me?"

I feel my eyes well up with tears. Where did my little boy go? Is this why he left me behind…the one I see each day? Are my eyes deceiving me? I've seen things before, but this is beyond anything I have ever seen.

"Are you okay Mum?" The spirit enigma of my eldest son, who is a child, walks up to me in comfort.

When was the last time my Son gave me any comfort? It's nearly been seven years. Is this where my son was? But how can this be? This doesn't make any sense.

"I can't exactly hug you, because the state I am, but I would," His words touch my heart in a spot, a part where it has not been reached for so long; "I will hug you if I ever get the chance to."

"What do you mean, if you get the chance to?" I finally speak as I fear the worst. My heart keeps pounding uncontrollably like something bad is going on. It is just like I don't know.

"Mum have I or my older looking-self explained anything to you?"

I shake my head. What is happening is to my son. Is he –?

"Are you dying?" I don't understand why my heart knows this. I have seen him for a matter of a minute and I know that something is wrong.

"Mum after the Cell Games, my human half was angry. He was so angry, he held a grudge and I got locked up in his head for all this time. The last I came out was for Bojack and after that I was left to grieve with every bit of pain that we both felt."

"He is going to be in so much trouble!" I shout. I can't believe this! Why would he do this to himself?

"The only reason you can see me is because we're dying." He looks down at the ground avoiding eye contact.

I wish this wasn't what I was hearing this, "Oh, Gohan." I sigh, "Is there anything I can do?" I feel so hopeless.

"Not really," He smiles sadly at me, "I wish I could hug you. I really miss you."

And yet throughout this whole ordeal he wants to hold me again, like he did when he was still that child; which in his case he is.

"Me too, " I comment walking up to the eleven year old son that I thought grew up a long time ago. I put my arms around him and for a second I can feel him. His body is cold, but the tears falling from his face are warm.

Is this the reason that my real son hasn't been present at all? The one that would feel love and emotion? The one I see now feels all the things my oldest doesn't.

I knew somewhere inside of me, Gohan was always like Goku, I just didn't realise how much his Saiyan side takes after his Father. His human side, he inherited from me and I'm disappointed he did, because he like myself can hold a grudge and that is not a good trait to have in anyone and even I can't stand being that way sometimes. Holding a grudge like this even though it meant having good intentions behind it all is not good because it is makes it so someone else miserable… My little boy is the victim.

To see someone who has now grown up and to see them as a child, I miss him so much; the way he used to be. He was happy, healthy and did what he wanted to do, despite what Goku or I told him. He would run towards danger; but now he has even given up on solving his own problems.

"I love you Mummy." I hear him cry in my arms. When was the last time he called me that? When was the last time he even said, I love you? … Before he came home that day, seven long years ago.

Why did my son let go of himself?

Meanwhile… (Third person)

He stood on the ground so still and emotionless. He couldn't believe he agreed to this. He knew his brother was worth it, but agreeing to fight? Really? His mind was full of disbelief.

Gohan made his decision on his own. Of course he was persuaded by his bratty Saiyan half-self who he had a grudge against for the predicament he was just put in. He understood the need to protect his youngest brother; who he both loved and adored, but to fight? That was a completely different matter.

He gave up fighting a long time ago. He refused to fight for a good reason; never wanting to hurt anyone ever again and being the reason for the death of his friends. Gohan didn't want to believe that he was the key to preventing the deaths of innocent lives. Naïveté made it easy for Gohan to cover up the truth and put it out on the table in his life. He didn't want reality, he wanted to remain in the fantasy of living a lie, where he had the power to run his life and not have someone else do it.

Gohan had to consider the pros and cons, if he died than that meant he got his way, but he also didn't because he would automatically be in the same body, he tried to escape. Also if allowed death to take him with open arms that would make Goten upset and leave his mother devastated. And then all his friends… but were they important? Probably more so to his Saiyan side.

His Saiyan side was the one who longed for companionship, Gohan, himself as a human just longed for his Father and the love and affection he would give him when he was still alive. It was a pointless seemingly as they were in fact no longer alive and he could not have the one wish he longed to have come true.

Unfortunately Gohan knew he had no choice in the journey life would make him head. And he knew it wouldn't be him taking charge, it would be his other-half. He couldn't do this himself, even if wanted to. He would let him Saiyan side do the work.
The only problem he didn't consider was that they have to work as one in order to become one whole being again. Gohan knew he couldn't, his other side on the hand would do it at every cost just to feel his owns Mother and love.

And walking into a room he discovered things he forgot; what he could no longer feel because he locked himself up; his emotions, feelings, the compassion he forgot he had and who he was as a person. Through blocking part of himself; he thus lost himself in it all. He has lost his identity.

In the living room… (Chi-Chi's POV)

"What is going on?" My eldest son walks into the room. I have my arms around my eleven year son and my hands through his blonde hair. I can't feel him directly, but imagining it makes it real to me. I miss the blonde; it reminds me of my husband so much. If only he were here, this situation would be completely different.

I turn to Gohan's eighteen year old face, "How dare you!" I scream. He doesn't even realise what he has done to himself. He denied himself of who he is! What am I going to do with him? Doesn't he realise the implications of his actions!

"Mum?" He looks in puzzlement and then sees his Saiyan counterpart. He frowns, "what is he doing here?"

"I'm seeing Mum. " My eleven year old son turns crosses his arms stubbornly; he reminds me of what he was like when he was younger. I didn't realise how much I miss him causing trouble for me, even though I worry. I at least knew he was happy…but now the situation has turned for the worst.

"Why won't you just leave?" I hear my son scream.

"Because I've missed out on everything! I can't do anything! I feel so lonely! Do you know what it is like? You chose to leave everyone alone, you chose to run away from your problems and you chose to block me out. It was your choice and you made it!" My young son screams.

I feel myself crying even harder. It hurts to realise this has become the cold, sad truth for my human-side of my son.

"I'm allowed to make mistakes! I am you!" I hear the eldest version of Gohan yell.

"Despite you, for the remaining time I have left I want to talk as much as I can, even if I can't feel, at least I can feel everyone's words. I don't know if we will survive –especially because you treat me like I am nothing."

"You are nothing to me!" I flinch as I hear those words out of Gohan. I feel more tears burn down my cheeks. My sons are everything. I couldn't stand the thought of losing them; even one – that's how I knew something was wrong. I lost one of my sons seven years ago and I only just got them back. Why do I have to lose them both?

"Do you know I am everything? I am part of the key to us living! If you or I do not comply, we will die! You said you will work together, but every-time you constantly keep changing your mind," I feel my heart race at his words.

I just want the words to stop, but I can't. It hurts too much to stop my sons. I can't find my voice.

"Dad's son or not, you are a horrible person. You don't consider anyone and you won't even consider a part of yourself, besides yourself!"

I flinch, how could this happen? How could I not even notice that this wasn't my son? Denial, I was in complete denial. I wanted to pretend it was okay, considering I was pregnant and I couldn't handle much from anyone.

Gohan starts, "So what? You said I could –"

"And you chose to block me out because you were angry. Then you forgot about me, like I was never there. And guess what? You don't feel and if you do, it isn't often!"

I hear the front door open, "What is going on?" Goten smiles and is too naïve to notice that there is fighting going on. I see his eyes light up, "big brother!" He grabs onto spirit of Gohan and instead of being caught, he falls to the ground.

"Sorry Goten," Gohan apologises, "I wanted to catch you, there was nothing more I would rather do, it is just that…" He looks down and doesn't know what to say. If I am right, I know what is wrong with Gohan. He can't tell him he is dying.

"Gohan is a ghost," I hear Gohan explain.

"Yes he is," I reply frowning at my eldest. I don't want him to say anymore, I refuse for Goten to be hurt. Goten thankfully is still quite oblivious. I am glad he is, because he is too young to be an emotional state like mine. Plus I saw Gohan too many times dealing with things a boy should never have to deal with.

"Cool!" Goten jumps up in excitement. I wish I could be excited, but I am not. I'm glad I am no longer in the dark about who my son is, but it came at a price. I found out he is dying and I don't have the power to fix it.

Clearly my son couldn't handle this. He came home, but he will have to return back to Capsule Corp early in the morning to not draw attention to himself.

I wish it was as simple as putting a Band-Aid on a sore, but this is one big sore and one that only he alone can deal with.

Elsewhere, sometime later…
(Saiyan-side of Gohan, POV)

"So it has been awhile now, hasn't it Sharpener. Sorry I have held out on haunting you."

"You know, you could have waiting a little longer." Sharpener sighs, "I wasn't allowed a week of peaceful dreams."

I voice sarcastically, "You're welcome," I then look him straight in the eyes, "Look," I take a breath, "I kind of need your help."

"With what exactly?" Sharpener rolls his eyes. I don't think that I am that demanding, then again I try to keep haunting him every night.

"I need you to find out who Gohan really is," I sigh. I need my other side of myself to change, for once to do something I need him to do. We need to live and this is the only way this is going to work.

"How do you know who he is? Sharpener looks at me with total disbelief.

I reply biting my tongue, "You may find this hard to believe." He is going to get to get a real shock when I tell him.

Sharpener looks confused, "What will I find hard to believe?"

"I am him," I whisper, "I am Gohan."

"How can you possibly be that nerd?"

"I am not a nerd, that is one thing," I shake my head in annoyance as I hate being compared to myself; oh the irony," two I am dying. I am the least Geeky half of him. I honestly can't stand studying. I do like learning however…

"Still you are a nerd!" Sharpener points his finger, but then stares in shock, "how can you be him?"

"It is quite simple really." I smile; he is in for the biggest shock of his life.

"Well?" Sharpener asks.

"You remember the 'Delivery Boy'?" I await his surprise.

He looks in disbelief, "What? How on Earth…" He finally gets it. Seriously these specimens can be slow. I'm one to talk though… I am supposed to be fused with one.

"Do I look the same?" I finish, "quite simple fact really. Well, a little complex considering my past. But I guess I should tell you, as I need you to do something for me."

"What do you need me to do?" Sharpener asks.

"It involves a little thing known as blackmail." I try and mutter. This is new to me, using this technique, which is so unlike me. I might as well play dirty like my other self is. Humans are very manipulative creatures.

He chuckles, "What?" And then tries to hide his surprise, "Wait, you blackmailing? That I find hard to believe."

I look at him determinedly, "There is a reason for it. If Gohan is going to play dirty with me, I'm going to play dirty with him; fight fire with fire."

"Okay so what do you need me to do?" He questions me curiously.

"Threaten to reveal who I really am. There is nothing more confronting than that." I chuckle at the thought of seeing the human squirm, they've embarrassed me enough. It's payback time!

Sharpener stares in astonishment, "I am so lost… how are you the same person?"

"All will be explained after I tell you what I need you to blackmail him into doing." I grin with encouragement.

"So what will I be doing?" Sharpener stares intently wanting to know.

"I need you to get him to train so, tell him you will reveal that he is a fighter, and if he doesn't comply with what I ask, then reveal he was at the Cell Games and then surely he will know I mean complete serious business." I inform Sharpener. I can't wait for this plan to be in action. And I can't wait to see the look and humiliation written on pathetic Human's face. The amount of shame he has made me feel will not go without revenge.

"I don't understand who you are and why you are doing this exactly." Sharpener voices in confusion. He will remain confused like everyone else on the planet until we both fuse, despite horrid humans' feelings.

I honestly want to be whole again and never put in this predicament. I long for the opportunity to fight; to go through all of this, so I can be a person. Not a ghost, to be loved and cherished, not something that is resented. I get it, I am not like my other half, but isn't that what makes us Gohan? We're never just one main characteristic, we're both many.

"The why can be explained with who I am. I am Gohan, or half of him. I was born on Earth like Gohan was, however our Father wasn't. He was unaware he was an alien; a Saiyan. I am half Saiyan. And the Gohan you know at school is the human half." I explain hoping he won't freak out, humans unfortunately are very sensitive people, though they seem to hide their personal feeling well…too well, from my own experience. You live being stuck in a human's mind for around seven years and you'll understand what I mean.

"So why do you want to humiliate him?" Sharpener asks curiously.

"I don't want to humiliate him in all honesty, I can't stand doing this. However I can't see any other way out of this." He needs to learn how I suffered! I need some justice for once.

Sharpener stares at me, "There is always a way out."

I shake my head, "Not when you are to die in less than a year because you are blocked out from the real world; that you do know about me."

He flinches and looks into my eyes, "You're dying?" His body is all stiff.

I explain, "We've been separated and in order for us to remain living; which now the chances are so small, we have to become one. And Gohan won't listen to me. I know he doesn't want this as he wants to be his own person."

"What about you?" He slumps and looks at me determinedly.

I stare out the window, "Me? I want to live. I don't care if I am bashing evil people until the end of time, as long as I get to live. I honestly haven't lived much since being stuck in the far depths of Gohan's mind. It is nice for once for people to be able to see me."

"People can see you?" He asks me.

"Yep, I am becoming more dead. I am a ghost. Unfortunately I have to follow him in the same building, I can't be too far away from him, unless he is dreaming, than only I can be in another's dream –just like I am with yours." I clarify.

"Cool!" I stare at him, "not cool?"

I demand, "You better put that plan into motion next time you are around those classmates; especially my human self. I really couldn't give a crap of whether or not he will like it. When I am one person, I will at least not be angry with you. Though there isn't much Gohan can do anyway…

Sharpener squints his eyes in confusion, "Why's that?"

"Gohan, specifically the human, will struggle to fight without me," I state, "I am the one who knows how to fight. Let's just say he can't go all golden unless I am fused with him."

"So I can beat him up if he doesn't listen?" Sharpener chuckles, his positivity isn't going to work in his favour.

"Nope," I laugh, "because he has more fighting experience than you, plus he is the reason I am a smart fighter. If I never studied then I would never be the 'nerdy', as you put it or a fighter who knows how to strategise. Then again, I inherited my Father's lust for fighting. I always did pick up things easily."

"See, you are a nerd." He points his finger at me.

"I am a smart fighter!" I attempt to defend myself.

"So about the blackmail, I do it tomorrow, right?" He awaits reassurance.

"Yep," I laugh, "I can't wait to see the look on his face."

I have a big feeling that with getting revenge, I am going to get myself into so much trouble. This totally will be worth it, but I guess I won't entirely know until then.

Later…

"So are you ready?" I ask standing in front of a figure who is now going to be waking up in a minute or two.

"Yep," Sharpener replies, "I still can't get use to the fact that I can see you."

"Let's go…" I reply, "I'll see you soon."

"I still can't believe I am doing this," He sighs, "will you forgive me?"

"I can't believe I bought the tough guy act," I laugh, "I will; specifically my human half will one day. I'm not angry, I'm happy you agreed to do this." I smile sincerely, "I really am sorry for the nightmares, but it honestly was hard to communicate with people before everyone could see me."

"I understand, "He nods, "I'll see you in an hour."

"Yep, I've got some haunting to do before everything goes down." I chuckle loudly as I disappear and he slowly wakes up.

Later in an empty cafeteria, remaining was one student…

He could hear the chuckles. The laughter of the way he use to sound; when he was truly happy. Oh, how he missed that.

"Hi!" I smile, he probably thinks I'm too chipper. Success! Annoying him, because he never got to deal with how dark it has been like it has been for me.

"Why on Earth are you here? Why are you at school?" He growls, "Can't I at least escape from you in one place?"

"Nope," I laugh.

"Is anywhere in there?" I hear someone call out. I recognise them as they walk in. it's that girl I 'apparently' can't stand. For some reason she makes my heart race… but I'm only eleven! I should get my mind out of the gutter.

"It's me Gohan." God that sounded pathetic, he should say it differently, because he sounds like an old man. The next thing you know he will go out and buy glasses so that he looks smart, despite the fact he doesn't need glasses to read at all.

"That was the voice of a weak human." I tease.

"Shut it!" He points his finger, "under the desk now."

"Fine master," I say in total sarcasm, "as you command, my pain in the human ass."

"Everything okay Gohan?" The girl walks up the stairs and sits next to him as I try and hide the fact, she is right here. My heart won't stop racing –I'm too young to feel this, it's worse than me training; my heart is beats a million times faster.

"Oh it is fine Videl." My pathetic human half answers, notably trying to remain calm.

"Liar!" I yell.

I see my human-self wince. Very good… embarrassing them. It's what I live for – well to have my freedom back. But the sabotaging is a bonus.

"Did you hear that Gohan?" Videl asks. Dende she is so pretty, though the age gap may be a problem with my appearance.

"No," Gohan looks angrily my way, while trying to act oblivious the fact that I am hiding underneath a desk.

"Are you okay Gohan?" I so badly want to answer something really perverted and something that is not at all appropriate for my age.

"I'm fine," The human laughs, "just a little bit jumpy today."

She asks curiously, while playing with her pigtails, "How come?" I love those pigtails, they're so pretty… I swear something is wrong with me. I feel like such a pervert! And people say fighting it hard! Trying to deny myself these perverted-like feelings is killing me.

"I woke up with my little brother jumping on me." He replies.

Funnily enough, that was my doing; I put that stupid idea in Goten's head. Aren't I a wonderful, role model for my brother? Probably not the best…Then again I am an improvement considering the stupidity of the human.

"I can understand now," She nods as she looks to the front of the classroom to see Erasa and Sharpener enter. Finally a familiar face! Though a face I can't talk to right now.

"Hey guys," Sharpener sits down next to the human and Videl. He is yet to notice me waving underneath his table.

"Hi," The human greets and then buried his face onto the table. He thinks he is tired? I haven't slept in around seven years. Or he must be feeling the effects of our Ki depleting.

Erasa smiles, "Morning everyone," everyone waves back.

I try and make a sound to get Sharpeners attention, "Psst!" I whisper.

He jumps trying to form words in his mouth as he looks down at me, as I am sitting on the ground; that I can no longer feel. I put my index finger to my mouth and indicate for him to be quiet and pretend I am not there.

"So," Sharpener looks up at the Human side of me, "nerd boy can I talk to you alone?"

Gohan looks in confusion, "Why?"

"I just need to." He grabs Gohan by the wrist. I silently chuckle. Things are going according to plan.

Outside…

"Why am I out here? Is there something you need to talk about?" Gohan asks as he then pushed against the fence.

"What are you doing? You fool! You're supposed to help yourself !" Sharpener screams.

Gohan stares with rage, "How would you know anything? You don't know me; you always judge me."

Sharpener glares, "I know you better than you think you I do. You really aren't helping yourself."

"Really," Gohan sighs, "he told you!"

"Yeah he did. I am glad he did," Sharpener stares, "you have to do what I ask you otherwise things will go terribly wrong," He warns, "you wouldn't want your secrets spilled to people, now would you?" He teases.

"What do you want? What does he want?" Gohan clinches his fists.

"Well unless you know," Sharpener indicates, "start fighting, then your secrets will be spilled."

"I refuse to be a game to you two freaks!" Gohan screams.

"Fine," Sharpener sighs, "then the whole school will know by the end of the day."

"What will they know?" Gohan looks in panic.

"It's for me to know and for others to find out." Sharpener walks to the cafeteria while Gohan contemplates his actions.

As Gohan is left on his own he screams silently to himself as tears fall down his face, "How could I be so stupid?"

I whisper into his ear, "I just want to live," I sigh, "you best remember that after all this, this was your doing as you kept ignoring me like I was nothing to you." I stand in front of him, "I am YOU!"

I walk away and leave him alone. He doesn't care about me at all. Sadly he is me; you would think that your own person would actually show any concern for you. In my case it is not even possible.

I honestly just want to give up; like him. I am very much like the human; I want to cry. I have done it long enough being stuck inside of him for so long. However, I have to remain strong for the both of us. What the human doesn't know is the more we admit defeat; the more likely we'll die sooner. I guess 'exacting my revenge' is an attempt at that. I don't know how much longer I can keep a façade on.

In the cafeteria …

"I'm glad you could join us Sharpener," the teacher remarks, "have you seen Gohan?"

"Yep," He replies, "he I think was outside."

"Looks like we'll have to go on without him," the teacher sighs. They move in front of the class so everyone can see them, "so today, we'll continue touring Capsule Corp…" The words seemed to drag on forever.

Could this day get more interesting already? Probably not…

Hours later…

My human side is Dende knows where. He never came back to the group in fear everyone would know his secrets. The problem was that he didn't heed Sharpener's warnings or listen to any word I have said to him.

Unfortunately for the Human, things will not go his way if he decides to ignore tomorrow's warning. Things will not end well for him at all… I actually feel sorry for him, but what he did to me was one hundred times worse.

You could call this payback, but this has been going on long enough and I need to get him to train. I don't have the ability to do it! I certainly can't as it is hard to train someone who has no actual body.

And he makes it so much harder to accept the emotions I feel. By now, had I had a body, I would be approaching Videl, the pretty pigtailed hair girl. I so badly want to run my hands through her soft hair. I also want to kick her Father's ass for bad mouthing Daddy! If I ever do get to live, I'm not even sure what I'll do first.

I whisper to Sharpener from underneath the table, "Tell them." I look in regret, "before I change my mind.

"You really don't want to do this, do you?" Sharpener looks in shock.

"No," I mutter, "I don't have any choice though."

"You sure?" Sharpener asks.

"Yeah." I look guiltily at him. The human is going to kill me. I badly want to apologise for the words coming out of Sharpener's mouth…

"So everyone," Sharpener yells as he stands on the table in the cafeteria, "I've got something to tell you all. You may have some trouble believing it."

"What is it Sharpener?" Videl demands. She moves her pigtail behind her shoulder in frustration. I really want to play with it…

He looks down in guilt questioning what he is about to say, "Well since I have not gotten what I asked of Gohan, I will be revealing something big!"

Videl growls impatiently at Sharpener, "Come on, out with it already!"

Sharpener reveals, "Believe it or not, Gohan is a fighter, he is the not the weakling everyone made him out to be. He is a big nerd though still."

I hear a door open to quickly close. From the look I saw the human was devastated. He probably feels horrible. The look in his eyes and the endless crying I saw in that one glance. It reminds me of the past seven years. He doesn't feel as terrible as I do right now though… I can't believe I just did that. How can I continue to go through with this?

I really just want to run out that door and comfort myself and be there for him, despite what he has done to me. I hate the world knowing who I am, but dying is worse than the world finding out who I am. News doesn't take long to travel and unfortunately when I am whole again, whether I am alive or dead, everyone will know everything about me. I'm definitely going to lack privacy.

If this is what I must do to maximise the chances of me living beyond Christmas, than I must continue this, as much I don't want to.

Sorry this was really late. I found because this was a long chapter, it took longer to write because I was constantly rereading the beginning of the chapter a numerous amount of times. Also I was busy with uni, so now I shall be able to write more as I am on holidays for a few months.

I hope you will all stay tuned, and let me know if there is anything I can improve on. Was there too many scene changes?

Thank you for reading!

Pink Sparkles 3