Authors Note:

Reviews motivate my lazy ass! Thank you so much for the reviews up until now, they truly do make me super duper fangirly and perhaps I squeal. Or not. Adele is super mega muse – when is she not? No infringement intended. Miz Collins owns all

Anywayyyy! Raise your hand if you're ready? Here's Chappy 3 for ya – enjoy! xo Mina

He's giving me insight into his heart once more. But we still have so much healing to do and although I am anxious and fearful I fully comprehend now that Peeta is my disease and my curse, my question and also the answer .There is no greater truth. Real or not real?

" I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less travelled by,

And that has made all the difference."

– Robert Frost, The Road Less Travelled

He Won't Go

How can he reach the depths of my soul so easily? One painting is all it takes to leave me sobbing on my kitchen floor. "Real", I say aloud. I want to be with him so strongly that it literally takes every ounce of strength not to have me knocking at his door once again.

I want to give in to him so much and yet I am so afraid.

We are like ying and yang. He pushes and I pull. Total opposites and through the falling of the Capitol and the loss of friends and families alike we are still apart. A big part is due to my reluctance, every time he even attempts to open that door I run the opposite way. I don't want to be like my mother, catatonic after losing my father in the mines.

It's a miracle I'm not catatonic now, really. But I don't know if realigning myself with Peeta is the best decision. I feel okay now, yes, but I cannot predict the future. How could I have him endure even more suffering when he's supposed to be rebuilding his life? Healing old wounds?

I scream into the silence my frustrations.

And there is still a part of me that questions if the Capitol Peeta might make an appearance as well – just when I begin to trust him once more. It's like the odds are always against us. Never in our favor.

I chuckle darkly. Ah, the odds.

I haven't left the house in days. It seems my progress is slowly fading.

It feels like I am going mad, slowly and torturously.

One minute I want to run to Peeta once more and beg him to forgive me for everything. For being so stupid in the beginning and hurting him with my rejections. For not telling him how I truly felt our last night in the train before the second games. For letting him get captured by the Capitol and get tortured to near death because of me. I will grovel until he gives me his forgiveness and even if he won't accept it, I will attempt to earn it every day of my pitiful existence.

The next minute I am punishing myself for even thinking such things. Knowing full well I am beyond repair and could never give Peeta the happiness he needs and truly deserves. And this last part kills me. Because I am selfish. Because I am an idiot. Because I love him and am too afraid to tell him. Because I am a coward.

I yell into my pillow. Enough!

I get dressed and put my hunting boots on. I need the sounds of the forest to abate me, my bow and arrow in my hand to help me refocus.

I pack a light meal and head out the front door into the world.

It doesn't take me long to find my sweet spot in the forest. The place where I most feel comfortable, away from the prying eyes of humans. The place where I can be myself and not worry about a damned thing. I start to trek east when I see a deer in the distance.

I stealthily crouch low and slowly make my way towards the animal, without making any sudden movements. I close my eyes and revel in the hunt. I am hyperaware of everything that goes on in the forest. A leaf blowing carelessly through the wind. A butterfly flying from flower to flower. One arrow through the neck is all it takes to bring the docile animal down.

As I make my way over to the kill, I sense that I am not alone. A feeling deep and long forgotten courses through me. My reflexes take over and I turn around defensively with my arrow ready to fly.

It all happens so quickly I barely have time to adjust my aim so that I miss.

And I almost kill him.

I run swiftly over to him yelling along the way. "What the hell were you thinking? Are you INSANE! I could've killed you I was so entranced!"

His eyes register shock for just a moment but he quickly hides the expression.

He holds his palms up in surrender. "I'm sorry Katniss I saw you go out and just I wanted to watch you from my vantage point."

I walk up to him and check him for injuries. "Are you okay? Did I hurt you at all? I'm so sorry", I begin to babble.

"I'm fine, fine really – just a bit surprised is all. My memories of you with your bow and arrow serve you no justice. You are… remarkable." And yet he lingers on the last sentence.

I take in the scene in front of me in. And I know instinctively there's much more to this outing of his.

I close my eyes and look down hurt. "You wanted to see for yourself didn't you? You wanted to see if the memories you had of me hunting were really true or if they were implanted…" I trail off quietly, opening my eyes to see him.

His head is bent in regret and embarrassment.

"I, I didn't mean to spy I just needed to see it for myself . You don't understand the anger and confusion I feel every day. I struggle every day with these memories. Some of them are foggy whereas others are more clear. A lot of them I can discern and know when they are true but the ones that deal with you… Well, those are the hardest to decode. So when I saw you leave your house and head toward the forest, I decided I'd follow you to find out for myself."

I look at him, my face full of comprehension. "I understand and I can only imagine how that must feel. I don't blame you for wanting to know if the memories are real or not. You just caught me off guard and for a second there I felt like I was – "

"Back in the arena" we say in unison.

"Yes"

I decide then and there that while we're on the more difficult of subjects I should pretty much just continue with it.

"What if Peeta, what if we stayed in the woods for a bit and talked about things? You could ask me whether or not they were real and maybe you can feel a little better?" I ask tentatively.

He contemplates my question. "I'd like that."

First we start off with easy memories. I talk to him about our childhoods and friends at school. He stays quiet for a long while and eventually interrupts me to ask about our first day of school.

"That first day I saw you, were you wearing you hair in two braids? Real or not real?"

I smile up at him. "Real."

He chuckles, "I remember my dad telling me about you and how he had wanted to marry your mom."

I laugh. "Real. Very real."

After a while we get into our first tour of the arena and the events leading up to it.

"So did Haymitch really punch me and did you almost actually stab him with your knife the after the reaping when we were on a train?"

I can't hide my guffaw. "Real! We both got upset that Haymitch was always drunk all the time and wouldn't give us any real advice for the arena."

He closes his eyes as if reliving the moment. "Yes that's right. And then we argued about who had the better skills. I said you could shoot amazingly and you got upset and told Haymitch that I could lift hundred pound sacks of flour…" he says the last bit with a slight hint of question in his voice.

I rest back onto my hands and I push back, letting the sun warm my face.

"Very true. I was so irked that you would paint me in such a positive way. I already felt bad that I might have to kill you in the arena. I couldn't understand why you were being so noble when there was such a big possibility we might have to fight to the death. Plus I felt that I owed you for the bread you had given me all those years I go" I say slowly letting him take in my words.

He contemplates things for a while. Then smiles up at me ruefully. "I know this might seem like an odd request, but could you tell me a story?"

I look deep into his eyes with surprise. "A story huh? I'm afraid I'm not that good with those…" His expression tells me I cannot weasel my way out. I exhale laughing "Fine, fine. But don't say I didn't warn you."

I think for a few moments before opening my mouth. There is only one story that is coming to mind. I clear my throat.

"I remember an old tale my father had once told me long ago of a King who wished to find a wife who was honest and loyal – his equal in every sense of the word. For pressure had long been mounting on the young royal to marry and marry soon. He sat in his chambers for hours on end and pondered how he could even go about finding such a woman. A woman who wasn't interested in his riches or the glory the position of a King's wife, a Queen.

A woman who would truly be worthy of being called a Queen and one who was ready for the challenge of overseeing such a large Kingdom. The King loved his Kingdom and his subjects so much, he needed to find a counterpart who could appreciate his adoration for his people and help him rule the way it had been intended."

I look at Peeta. There is not a hint of displeasure in his face, he looks so...peaceful. I pause to choose my next words.

"Disloyalty was so common amongst royalty seeing as how there were many who were so greedy and power hungry. The King knew that one incorrect decision could bring his whole Kingdom down, something he did not take likely in the least,"

"So he devised a plan to test the true nature of the women he would – unbeknownst to them – assess.

He decided to dress up as a commoner and pretend to be critically injured, seeking help from the ladies of the noble class to assist him. Much to his dismay they passed him by without a second glance and even laughed at him. Joking amongst them how a peasant had the audacity to even approach someone of their elite status. Feeling quite disappointed the King decided to return to his palace wife-less, but before he can take another step a woman comes to his aid."

"She had seen the previous exchange between the King and the noble women and offers to care for him. He takes a good look at the woman, her clothes are rags and her hair is dirty and matted.

But she is beautiful; he can see that even through her underprivileged stature. Obviously this is not a woman with any means. And yet here she is offering the King her help and even food and water without even knowing him! When the King looks into her eyes all he can see is sincerity and decides there and then to strip of his rags and show the woman that he in fact is the King. She is taken aback and kneels in response."

Peeta is so entranced at my every word, eagerly awaiting what I will say next.

"He would have none of that. He asks for the woman's hand in marriage and requests for her to stand.

She looks down. " 'I am not fit to be a Queen your Majesty'."

He tilts her chin up gently so that she is looking at him. " 'It is for that exact reason I know that you are'."

When I look over at Peeta his eyes are closed and he has an unreadable expression on his face.

The irony of the story is not lost upon me.

Peeta is like the peasant woman. Always offering everything of himself to others even if he receives nothing in return. Before I even acknowledged his presence at the reaping I thought I knew who he was. The baker's son. A boy who went to bed at night with his belly full, never having to worry about starvation or death. How wrong I was.

What if the woman had turned the other way and ignored the King when she thought he was just as her – poor? She would not be his Queen. In life one decision or action can cause an alternate effect in our existence. A new path forged from a mistake, or in her case a miracle.

There was and is so much more to him than meets the eye. Even now after everything is said and done and we have gone through the most inexplicable of horrors, his nobility continues to shine through.

That night when I went to comfort him, he ended up comforting me in return. How backwards that seems. And yet so Peeta.

I am brought back from my internal musings to Peeta asking me something.

"What are you thinking about?"

Silence.

"Tell me…please?" He asks quietly.

It's now or never. "I was thinking about how stupid I was to ever think I really knew you what you were about without ever really knowing you. And how you are so much like the woman from the story, always ready to give the best of yourself to others."

"You weren't stupid. You just had a different perspective on things and figured that if I lived in a better part of the district, I must have been living well."

I nod. "I'm also sorry", I say my voice barely a whisper.

"It's okay Katniss you don't need to – "

"Yes I do," I interject. I feel my composure slipping. "And you need to hear this. I am sorry for not saving you. I am sorry for rejecting you and hurting you all those times." My voice is crackling now but I push on.

"I wish that they had taken me to the Capitol and tortured me. I wish it a thousand times over. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize that it was you I couldn't live without."

Tears sting my eyes now. "I feel so stupid for not seeing it earlier. And most of all I'm sorry for not being able to love you the way you deserve to be loved. I. Am. A. Coward. And I will never be anything else. I can only hope that one day you can find it in you to forgive me."

I am taking deep breaths now trying to calm the flood of emotions. There, you said it.

Peeta makes his way over to me and dries the tears on my face. I don't dare to open my eyes.

He starts his reply with so much empathy and warmth.

"Katniss, no matter how much you push me away, I will only come back to you stronger. We are like opposite charges, the force which attracts us doubles the further we are from one another. Can't you see? None of this was your fault – please don't blame yourself. There is nothing to forgive."

I sob harder now at his kind words. They simply break me.

"No, don't say that!" I scream uncontrollably. "Admit it. It's my reason they're all dead! Me and no one else is to blame. Rue, Prim, Finnick, Boggs, the Avoxes, half of District 12…"

I go on hysterically. He pulls me into his lap and rocks me silently while I try to claw my way free. But he won't let me runaway. Not this time. He stays with me in silence, soothing me and smoothing my hair while I let the darkness overtake me.

When I come to the sun is spilling through the window and I'm rather disoriented. What happened? Something isn't right and before I can get up to investigate, two strong arms encircle me.

"Its okay Katniss, it's just me."

So it wasn't a dream. I did say all those things to Peeta? I groan aloud. Let me just add it to the long list of things I'm still sorry for. And now he's on bed with you…

"I'm sorry. I wasn't going to stay all night but you weren't in any condition to be left alone and I did try to slip out once but you kept calling my name in your sleep and I couldn't bear to leave you that way."

I wonder what else I said while asleep. "Thank you" I say my voice hoarse from all the crying.

"How do you feel?"

"A little better" I reply quietly. I add quickly. "I didn't have any nightmares I don't think."

He smiles and it touches his eyes. "Yes no bad dreams. Only snores." He chuckles.

"Har har har. Very funny."

He gives me a light kiss on the forehead. "Is there anything you'd like for breakfast?"

I surprise myself when I instinctively curl into him just like I used to. He keeps his arm draped over me holding me tight.

"Surprise me?" I ask feebly. I'm not quite sure how the dynamic has changed between us but I don't mind his arms around me at all. In fact I am lamenting the fact that he's going to leave and make breakfast soon.

"I will I promise, but first I want to talk to you."

I sit up to get a better look at him.

"I don't want to have to force myself to stay away from you anymore. We are hurting ourselves so much Katniss and there's really no need to. We can take things slow, believe me. But I will not keep my distance any longer. I need to be around you. Last night you have no idea how overjoyed I was to have you in my arms once more. And I know you need this too. You relaxed so much with my touch and presence – I know that I am exactly what you need. Don't fight me anymore please..."

I, am Katniss Everdeen.

And I am still so afraid to accept my present, there are decisions which have led me to this path – decisions that I didn't create. There is such an enormous a part of me that doesn't want to be happy because it feels like I am turning my back on Prim. The one person I swore to always protect and yet I couldn't even manage that in the end. And then there is a small voice who reasons that if I do not live my life to the fullest, I am turning my back on everything Prim would have wanted me to have.

For so long I thought that loving Peeta was the selfish thing to do, but now I am understanding that not loving him would be the selfish thing and actually loving him is a selfless act in its entirety.

We have much to mend, but in the end, he won't go – not without me anyway.

And that's what's real.

Chapter End Notes:

And there you have it! I'm thinking that we should probably give Peeta & Katniss a break and get some sexiness going on up in District 12. raWr! :) Be good and review and I'll make good on my promises. xo Mina