Chapter 13: The Tour and the Letters

Josie – District Four, Six Months Later

"I need to make a speech, don't I?" I ask Sky.
He looks apologetic as he hands me notecards.
"You do. Nothing too big, just how much you appreciate the Capitol and how you feel sorry for the family of the tributes and stuff like that."
"I have to look at Seaweed's family in the face and tell them that I'm sorry that I killed their son," I say. "Do you know how much I've been dreading this? I haven't been able to look at any of them since the Games!"
"Josie," Finnick puts a hand on my shoulder. "It's okay. Their son struck first, they understand."
"Do they!?" I demand.
"His father does," Finnick replied. "He came up to me in the market two weeks ago."
I froze. "What did he...?"
"That he wishes Seaweed had walked away after the volcano."
I nod. "So do I." I'm still angry at him for betraying my trust like that. But I feel for his family...Perla is two years younger than me. And they have another little brother too.
Sky clears his throat, brushing neon blue hair away from his eyes.
"If you're ready, Song wants to..."
"Song is here?" My stylist enters the room and the stress is momentarily forgotten in the flurry of greetings from the prep team.

Turned out that the speech before my district wasn't too bad. Seaweed's move made me the instant favorite in that battle, and everyone wanted me home for Finnick's sake. My neighbors cheer for real as I wave to them.

Then we board the train for District Twelve.
"Just read the cards, ok?" Sky says.
"This is Ash and Collette's home," I tell him softly. "Their family..."
"Just read the cards and then there's dinner in the governor's mansion and then we leave, okay?"
"Josie," Finnick suggests, "Try not to look at the banners, okay?"
"Banners..." With the faces of the dead. It was easy to avoid back home - Seaweed's damn face only made me mad - but here. "Yeah, good idea."

So, determined to not look up, I look straight and almost die of shock when I see Ash's dark eyes glaring at me. His little brother looks just like him. Their family is standing on a platform between the two banners. As well as a stone-faced father and a stricken mother, one little girl and three boys are on the platform - only one looks old enough for the reaping. It is this older boy who stares at me with burning eyes. I force myself to look down. There is scattered, polite and strained applause.
I begin reading the cards, thanking the Capitol and all that. Then I see the words allies. I stop.
I remember Coley in the training room, quietly copying me in the knife throwing area. I see Ash sleeping before me in the forest, crying in his sleep for his sister.

I let the cards fall to the ground and I look up at the banners.
Collette, small and serious, and Ash, silent and strong.

Thanks for the speech, Sky, but it's my turn to talk.

"I'm supposed to say how I didn't know my allies well," I tell the crowd. "But that would be a lie." I meet the eyes of the boy on the platform. "I didn't know them long, but I knew them because it was the same story with a twist. Finnick and I could have been Ash and Coley. And I swear to you that I didn't want your daughter, your sister, to die. And Ash..." I'm crying now, silent tears streaming down my face, but I'm going to finish.

"Ash told me that he wasn't leaving the arena without his sister...he wasn't leaving...but I didn't ask him to sacrifice himself for me. It's a debt I can never repay. So thank you, thank you for raising him to believe in family because Ash is the reason I'm here now...because he saw Coley in me. And I'm sorry that he's dead because he...he...was the best man I've ever met..."

I can't talk anymore.
The family is all crying. So is the crowd. And then, Finnick comes up behind me. He puts a hand on my back and gently steers me away from the microphone. I let him. But then, he leans into the microphone.

"I owe Ash too," Finnick says. "And I need to add, Ash said that he hoped that if the roles were reversed, I would have done the same." Finnick looks the father of the family in the eye. "I would have."
My brother and I leaves the stage to thunderous applause.

I'm following Finnick, Sky, Song and a peacekeeper to the governor's mansion, when someone calls my name.
"Jo! Josephine Odair!" Wait, please!"
It's the boy I saw earlier, the one who is the spitting image of Ash.
The peacekeeper steps forward and grabs him. "Only authorized personnel," he growled.
The boy struggles, "Please! I need to talk to you!"
"It's okay," I tell the peacekeeper.
"Ma'am," he begins to argue.
Finnick steps forward, being his charming Capitol sweetheart, "Please, I'm sure you can forgive this. The kid's obviously a bit star-struck. Let them talk. They'll be no harm done." As he talks, he slides something into the peacekeepers hand.
A bribe, I think. The peacekeeper steps back.

"Take as long as you want," he says. "I'll be watching from there," he points to the window of the building we were approaching, "Don't go anywhere."
Finnick and the others head inside. I'm left alone with the boy.

He looks nervous now that he can speak. He shifts from one foot to the other in the snow, his berth coming out in little nervous puffs of white smoke.
He's almost as tall of me, and skinny yet strong.
"I'm Jo," I tell him. "You're Ash's brother, right?"
He gulps. "Yeah, I'm Jaxx. Listen I...I don't blame you for surviving. I just wish..." He can't continue.
"I know," I say.
Jaxx nods, wiping his eyes furiously. "Ash...he wrote letters for us. Just in case, and left them for us...and I want you to read them."
"What?"
Jaxx reached into his coat and pulled out a stack of letters. They've been folded and unfolded many times. I see tear stains and dirt. They've been read many, many times by a family who lost their son too soon.
"I need them back," Jaxx says handing them to me. "So could you read them now?"
I nod. Ignoring the cold and the watching peacekeeper, I wipe the snow off a log, sit down, and begin to read the letters written by a boy I may have loved.

Mom and Dad,
Thank you.
If you're reading this, I'm in the Hunger Games. You know as well as I do that I don't have what it takes to win. I'm sorry.
I'll try to make some allies and survive as long as possible, but I'm not a killer. I've heard that the Games change you and that I may become a killer. But I'm going to try my hardest not to become one. Whatever happens though, just know that you raised me and the rest of us in the best way possible. You taught me everything I could possibly know. Life in the Seam is a hard one, yet despite all that you gave me a wonderful life. Dad, you taught me to be strong and how family is always the most important thing. Mom, you taught me how to love and to be compassionate. Even when we have nothing, we can help others. I learned that from you. You both raised me and taught me how to be the man I am today. We've had our differences and arguments, yet I have always loved you. When I'm gone, remember you have the other kids to take care of. Life moves on, even if I'm gone. Collette, I know, will be the most devastated. I know you hate anyone going in there, but go to the Hob and buy her a bowl of Greasy Sae's wolf soup. Though she won't admit it, Coley loves that stuff. Jaxx - let him cry and hold him. He hates being treated like a baby, but he's still a kid. Dad, make sure the kids at school don't beat him up too bad. He didn't want to tell you because he wants to fight his own battles, but if I'm in the arena, he'll be a wreck. I told him to ask Nano how to fight, and Nano will. Leo will have his own ways of dealing with all this. I would tell you where he disappears to all the time but that's a mystery to me too. Hopefully Derek and Macie are young enough to not remember me once I'm gone. Things are better that way; they won't grieve for me.
You all have the rest of your lives to live. Have another kid. Move to the nicer side of town. Whatever you do – don't give up. Your kids need you. You will be on my mind the entire time I'm in the arena. I love you and the entire family so much. When I'm gone know that wherever I am, I will be watching over you.
Your son,
Ash

Coley,
Please don't look at life like it hates you. You still have years ahead of you. If I am gone, let go. Remember me, but let me go. I know that you'll grieve and not want to let anyone in, like I have done, but you need to. Life is a gift that we need to be happy about. Don't go hating the world. You'll remember me the most out of all of the kids. We're still best friends, forever and always. Go get that shirt that you always stole from me. You can have it. It always looked better on you. Plus I outgrew it a couple years ago, but I kept it for you to steal from me. If I go into that arena and die, I will always be looking over you. I love you, my little squirt. Whatever happens, stay strong. Fall in love with a boy. Don't make him work too hard for your love, but make him prove that he's worthy. You know what I would approve of. Coley, (I don't know why I'm the only one that's allowed to call you that, but whatever the reason) if he can call you that, then that means he's been approved.
Can you do me a favor? Can you give Teargra that green shirt that has the bloodstain on it? I hid it on the other side of my mattress. There's a story that goes with that shirt. Teargra can tell you if she wants. But also tell her that I never washed it after that day because that blood is sacred.
Help out mom and dad. If I don't make it, they're going to have a hard time moving on. It's ok to cry and have emotion; you don't always have to be strong. You'll grow up to be a wonderful young woman and mother. Help Macie out. You're the best teacher and she will learn quickly, just like the others will. Teach the younger ones what I have taught you.

I love you forever,
Ash

Jaxx,
Hey dude. Watching you grow up has been a blessing. You and Leo and Derek and Macie gave me the hope that one day I would be a dad. I love you guys all so much. If I don't make it out of the arena, can you do me a favor? Mom and dad will have each other to grieve with, but please make sure Coley is ok. I don't want her hating the world and cutting everyone out of her life. Constantly ask her how she is, or just go sleep with her at night every once in a while. She may push you out and scream and yell at you, but persist in doing it. She will secretly love it and after a while start inviting you in. And don't let those school boys lay a hand on you. Just because you show you are human by showing emotion does NOT mean you're weak at all. It means you are brave enough to show what you are feeling. And remember how I showed you to fight? I learned what I did from Nano, who learned it from his dad. Ask Nano for help, he will help you. And if he doesn't, threaten him by saying, "I'll tell Chayna that it was you." his reaction should be him getting super angry – that's a good thing. That means he will teach you.

You know my leather jacket? I want you to have it, as long as it fits you. You're the man of the house once I'm gone. Help dad out. He may not show it but he's slowly wearing out from the years in the mines. It's hard work down there and all he wants to do when he comes home is sleep. Mom has her hands full with trying to raise all you so don't make it harder on her. I can already see the gray hairs coming through. Try not to take out too many rations. I don't want your name in there any more times than necessary. Help will always come. Seam people may be rough and rude on the skin, but underneath they're all scared and very willing to help. I love you with all my heart and if you're reading this, just know that I wish I was sitting with the family next to the fire place.

I love you forever,
Ash

Leo,

Don't keep hating the world. The world is a wonderful place, you just have to look past the coal dust. People are your friends, not enemies. Wherever you disappear to all the time, keep that sacred. It's always good to have a place to yourself. To think. To get away. Mine was at the Hob, in the corner with the crates that are always there but not filled with anything. Check it out with Jaxx sometime. Mom and dad love you to the ends of the earth. Don't fight against them, but help them. Help raise Macie to be a wonderful young lady. Don't pester Coley too much, you know how she hates it. And if I don't come out of the Arena – remember that the world doesn't hate you or our family. The odds just weren't in my favor. No need to hold a grudge and hate them. Forgive people because they do make mistakes. And it's ok to show emotion, you are not weak if you do. It makes you human.

Ash

Derek,
My little man. Your drive of adventure will carry you far, just keep it fueled. Don't let that passion die. I don't know if you will remember me in the years to come, but if you do, remember me as just a guy that used to stop by the house. An uncle or cousin maybe. I don't want you to grieve if you don't have to. Take care of Macie. Keep all the mean boys away from her. I will be watching over you. I love you forever.
Ash

Macie,
Sweet Macie. Stay innocent. You may not remember me after a couple of years, and that's ok. Just know that you have an older brother that loves you so much and will always look out for you. Try not to get onto your brothers' nerves too much growing up. Growing up in the Seam won't be easy, but it's doable. Just do things that make you happy and if they aren't making you happy, then don't do them. Keep bring joy to everyone's life around you. That's your gift, so use it. Coley will help you through those rough years. I watched her go through them and I know she won't let you go through them too. I will always love you! Stay sweet my little Macie.
Ash

Nano,
Man, I'm sorry. You're my best friend and I thank you for all the years that you helped me and were there for me. You will always be my right hand man. The guy who can make me or anyone else smile, even on the worst of days. Don't let life get you down. Go after Chayna. I know you never listen to me, but she's crazy about you. Be happy and make her happy for me. Tell our other mates that I thank them for their friendship. I love you man.
Ash