~ chapter 5 ~

Things have to change.

I've decided to talk to Snape and try to make things better. We can't keep arguing every day. I can't take it.

I just have to remember why I married him in the first place. I felt sorry for him, I was thankful for everything he did for the Order. And after learning about his sad life I felt like he should get something in return. So I decided to give him the gift of life. A quiet and peaceful life he deserves. That is exactly what he will get. After I'm gone, of course.

I just never imagined being married to him would be so difficult.

I never imagined he would be so difficult.

ooo

It's a beautiful morning outside.

But I don't feel so good.

My stomach still hurts.

I lay in my bed, curled up and covered with blankets. It seems I won't be going to class today.

Hopefully McGonagall will think of something to explain my absence. I don't feel like seeing anyone. It's not like anyone would visit me anyway, they are all too uncomfortable being in Snape's quarters. Ginny is the only one who has come to visit me here since the wedding. Not even Harry has dared to come here.

Funny.

They are all so frightened of Snape.

I can't blame them.

ooo

There's a knock on the door.

No.

I can't see him now.

So I remain silent, hoping he would just go away. Nothing can be heard for a couple of seconds and I relax, but then I hear it again.

He is not going to go away.

"What is it?" I call out, forcing my voice to be strong.

Nothing.

What is he playing at?

Suddenly the doors open and he walks in confidently.

I pull myself up in a sitting position, "What are you doing?"

"I am checking up on my wife," he answers, walking over to me.

"I haven't given you permission to enter!"

He crosses his arms over his chest, "I was simply worried about my wife. Am I not allowed to do that?"

"You have no respect for my privacy," I accuse him.

"Why were you not in class today?" he asks, ignoring my earlier comment.

"I-I...none of your business."

"You see, Miss Granger, it is my business. You are my wife, after all."

"That's rich, Professor. You keep reminding me that I'm your wife, yet you call me Miss Granger."

He tenses up.

"Just leave," I lay back, pulling the covers up to my neck.

"What is the matter with you?" he asks.

He seems worried. Am I imagining it?

"Am I not allowed to feel sick every now and then?"

He knows that I'm lying. Even I can sense the nervousness in my tone. He couldn't have missed it.

Slowly he speaks again, "Are you lying to me?"

Silence.

"Are you?" he asks again.

"Lying about what?"

His tone is lower now, "Have you been taking the contraceptive potion?"

I roll my eyes, "For God's sake, I'm not pregnant!"

His face hardens, "I would like to take a blood sample to make sure. The potions could have failed. And a child is the last thing we need right now."

Panic shoots through me, "No. No blood sample."

"And why not?"

"B-Because...I'm not pregnant. I know I'm not pregnant and there's no need for blood testing."

He looks at me suspiciously, "More secrets, Granger?"

"There are no secrets. I'm just feeling a bit...stressed lately and I haven't been eating well."

The dark look in his eyes tells me that he does not believe me.

"I would like to get some sleep now," I roll over and turn my back to him, hoping he would leave.

And he does.

ooo

It's finally Saturday.

And I'm feeling better so I've decided to make the best out of the day.

I walk into the kitchen, noticing Snape sitting at the table and reading the Daily Prophet.

"Morning," I mutter as I pour myself a glass of pumpkin juice.

He slowly lowers the paper and looks at me, "Are you going out?"

"Yes, Ginny and I are going to the Diagon Alley to do some shopping."

"Shopping?" he asks, "What do you need?"

"I don't need anything, it's just...for fun."

He looks at me strangely.

"It's what we, girls, do for fun," I try to explain.

"Going to Diagon Alley, into all that noise and forcing your way through crowded shops is your idea of fun?"

"Yes?" it comes out as a question.

He's staring at me as if I've grown another head.

"I have to go," I quickly drink my juice and then turn to leave.

"You know it is not safe," he suddenly speaks.

I turn to him.

He continues, "Not all Death Eaters have been caught. And I am sure many of them cannot wait to get their hands on any member of the Golden Trio."

"I'll be fine. No one would attack me in public," I reply, "Besides, I can handle myself."

He only raises an eyebrow, not saying anything.

"Alright," I nod, "I'll be back in a couple of hours."

Just as I am about to leave he speaks again, "Do you need...some Galleons?"

"No, I'm fine, I have money."

"Oh, forgive me," he replies, "I forgot you have parents. Tell me, did you take their money before or after you Obliviated them?"

I open my mouth to argue with him, but I somehow stop myself. It's not worth it. I'm in a good mood this morning and he is not going to change that.

Without words I leave the kitchen.

ooo

"So..." I start, "We should probably begin."

He is standing in the corner of the room, his back turned to me.

I look down at my wedding dress, remembering the ceremony. It was so pathetic. It lasted only a couple of minutes and then we both left. There were ten or fifteen guests. No one except McGonagall understood why we were marrying. The atmosphere was uncomfortable, dark.

It felt like we were at a funeral.

I sigh, running a hand through my hair.

The first part is done.

Now we only have to finish part two and we will be legally married.

"I cannot do this," he whispers.

"What?" I stand up from the bed, "You can't turn back now."

He faces me, "Are you mentally stable?"

I am a bit taken aback by that question, but I nod, "Yes, I am."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yes."

"Are you perhaps in love with me? Is this the moment when you admit you've been in love with me for many years now?"

I blush a bit, "N-No."

"I thought so," he remarks then his face darkens, "Or perhaps you are not as innocent as everyone thinks you are."

"What are you saying?"

"Perhaps you have a dark side?" he moves closer to me, "Perhaps you enjoy pain and suffering and darkness and evil. Perhaps that is why you chose me. You know I can give all that to you."

He is scaring me now.

"No, t-that's not true," I defend myself.

"Was it sex? You did not have to force me into marriage to get me in bed with you. There are easier ways."

"Stop it!" I raise my voice, "Why are you acting like that?"

He steps closer to me and I can smell the Firewhiskey on him, "I am simply trying to figure you out, Miss Granger."

"You are wasting your time," I force out, "There is no secret. I have explained everything to you. We would both gain a lot from this marriage."

"Ah yes, freedom."

"Exactly. This marriage is fake and we can both live just as we've lived before. Only...together."

After a moment he nods, "You know what needs to be done next, right?"

"Y-Yes, I do," I look down at my hands.

"Do not play shy now. This was all your idea," his voice is cruel.

I nod, putting on a brave face. The sooner we do this, the better. I unzip my dress and then his voice stops me, "What are you doing?"

"Taking off my dress?"

"There is no need for that."

"There isn't?"

"No."

I nod, trying to understand what he is saying.

"Just lay on the bed," he orders.

He turns away again, "I am a married man," he whispers then lets out a laugh.

I think he's a bit drunk.

"I married a student," he laughs again.

His behaviour is worrying me. I'm nervous and he's drunk. I don't think this is going to end well.

He's still speaking to himself, murmuring words I cannot understand.

I clear my throat, "I've never really done this before."

That gets his attention.

He turns to look at me, "I beg your pardon?"

"I have never really done this before," I repeat, tensing up.

Silence.

He stares at me, no expression on his face.

"I just...thought you should know," I say, sitting down on the bed.

Why is he looking at me like that?

Just as I open my mouth to speak he suddenly turns away and walks into the bathroom, slamming the doors shut.

ooo

"Yes, I love Harry, but I'm not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him," Ginny admits as we walk towards a new shop.

"Well, you don't have a lot of time to find another person," I reply.

"I know," she sighs, "And I'm not trying to find another person, it's just...the idea of marriage...it's frightening."

"It's not that horrible."

Ginny looks at me, "Are you serious?"

I nod.

"So you're saying being married to Snape is not horrible?"

"It's...bearable."

Ginny laughs, "Whatever that means, Hermione."

We walk into the store and I'm surprised by what's inside.

"Ginny, this is a lingerie shop."

She smiles, "Yes, it is."

"But I don't need anything from here."

"I do," she winks at me, "I'd like to surprise Harry."

I grimace, "Too much information."

Ginny laughs, "Perhaps you could surprise your beloved husband?"

"I don't think he'd like the surprise very much."

"Really? So the rumors are true then?"

I narrow my eyes, "What rumors?"

"That he's...you know...asexual?"

Is he? I don't know. Perhaps he is. He's never shown interest in it. Or it could just be that he does not like me.

"Well, is he?" Ginny insists.

"You're asking the wrong person."

"You're his wife."

I sigh, "Can we just not talk about Snape, please?"

Ginny nods in understanding, "Of course."

"Thank you."

"Hermione, I'm here if you want to talk, you know that, right?"

I look at my friend and suddenly I feel the need to tell her everything. To confess what's really on my mind, to explain why I married Snape, to tell her that I'm sick. It would feel good to lean on someone, to talk.

Talking about it helps. So I've heard.

But that would be ridiculous.

I can't tell her that I'm dying while we in the lingerie shop.

Suddenly a shop assistant approaches us, "Hello, can I help you?"

Ginny starts talking to her while I lose myself in my thoughts.

Why can't I trust anyone? I'm betraying my friends by hiding things from them. They'll hate me once they find out.

Why can't I tell them?

And then I realize why.

It would make it too real.

Even I haven't truly accepted it and by telling everyone I would have to...admit it to myself. And that's too much.

I would just like to ignore it for as long as I can.

Today I'm feeling good. I can pretend I'm a normal girl who has her whole life ahead of her.

ooo

I drop my shopping bag onto the floor and sit on the sofa, letting out a deep breath.

It's almost night outside.

Ginny really does not know when it's time to go home.

It's silent.

I look around, noticing everything is exactly as it was when I left.

Slowly I stand up and walk to Snape's bedroom, knocking on the door softly.

No answer.

I knock again.

Nothing.

I open the doors and take a peek inside.

He's not there.

Walking back into the living room I can't help but wonder where he is.

ooo

It's past midnight and he still hasn't come home.

I'm starting to get worried.

There are still Death Eaters on the run, just like he said.

What if - ?

Suddenly I hear a noise.

Then steps.

Not even a second later he appears, walking into the living room. He freezes when he sees me, but he quickly recovers.

"Why are you not asleep?" he asks.

"Where were you?" I stand up, "I was worried."

"Worried?"

"Yes. It's past midnight."

He clears his throat, "As you can see I am fine. Go to your bedroom."

"Where were you?" I demand.

"It does not concern you."

I am a bit hurt by that.

"I just - "

He interrupts me, "You keep secrets from me. Am I not allowed to do the same?"

Slowly I realize something, "Were you with another woman?"

He does not reply.

Why is he not saying anything?

I look at him in surprise, "Are you...having an affair?"

That's impossible. I can't even imagine Snape with a woman. That's just not something he would do.

He is silent.

"Answer me," I demand.

"And what if I am having an affair? You yourself have said this marriage is fake."

I take a step back, "You are..."

"I have not admitted anything, Granger. Do not jump to conclusions."

"Then answer me."

He simply shakes his head, "You should really go to bed."

And with those words he walks away, leaving me alone.

I stand there for a couple of long minutes.

Is this really happening?

And if it is, why I am hurt by it? Why do I feel betrayed? Our marriage is fake, I know that.

I take a deep breath to calm myself down.

It does not matter.

It's his life.

And I have my life.

A/N: Is Snape cheating? ;) Everything will be explained soon. Hopefully you enjoy the ride. Thanks for reading!