~ chapter 8 ~

"You know this is entirely unnecessary," I start again, for the fifth time by now, "You have classes, you don't have to stay here."

He does not look up at me from the newspaper he is reading, "I am sure they will manage without me."

I bite my lip, "These are not the Dark ages. Just because we are married it does not mean I'm not capable of doing things on my own."

"Hmm," is his only response.

With each second that passes I am getting more and more nervous. I can't just order him to leave, I could, but he would know then that something is very wrong.

Is this it?

Is he finally going to find out?

And then he will be angry with me for hiding it from him. Soon he will start feeling sorry for me. It's inevitable. People always feel sorry for a dying person. And then he will start acting strange around me, he will be nice to me and I won't be able to handle it. I don't want his pity.

"What are you expecting to find out?" I ask carefully, "That I'm dying? That I have this incurable disease and that I've been hiding it from you?"

He looks up at me, "You have a very vivid imagination, Miss Granger."

I simply stare at him, wondering if I should just confess everything and be done with it, "W-What if I am...dying?"

He continues, "You are not dying. I know what dying means and how it feels like, believe me."

"Then why are you here?"

"I want to know what is wrong with my wife."

That catches me off guard a bit. He said 'wife'. It sounded strange.

He realizes it too and quickly looks back down to the newspaper.

I pull the cover up to my neck and wait.

There is nothing else I could do.

ooo

Madam Pomfrey enters the room, quickly walking towards us, a serious expression on her face.

I sit up, my heart threatening to jump out of my ribcage.

"Well?" Snape asks, standing up.

I am silent, not able to form a word.

I know what is wrong with me, I've been through this before, I've heard the diagnosis and I don't have to hear it again.

Poppy looks at me, "Well, have you been eating at all lately?"

"I-I have."

She simply shakes her head in disagreement, but continues, "You are healthy, but you are not consuming enough vitamines. You are obviously not eating properly," she then turns her attention to Snape, "You should have noticed it and acted on it."

"He's not - " I try to defend him.

"I apologize, Poppy," he snarls, "Next time I will do my best to shove food down her throat."

"Enough, both of you," I raise my voice, "So...I'm alright?"

"That's what I said," she nods, "Now off you go."

"B-But..." I don't understand, how could she have missed it?

Snape moves to the doors, waiting for me.

"You can go," I say to him, "I just want to ask Madam a question."

He sighs in annoyance then leaves, closing the doors behind him.

When I'm positive we are alone, I turn to Poppy, "What is going on?"

"I think you are making a mistake, child, but it is your decision."

"What do you mean?"

"Minerva told me everything. And she asked me if I could...lie and pretend you are completely healthy."

I relax, "Thank you."

"Why are you hiding this? Why are you not even trying to get better? There are treatments - "

"I know. I tried it. Long months of treatments, but it did not help at all. It only made everything worse. I lost weight, I was sick all the time, my hair was falling out and...and it was all pointless."

Why is she making me talk about it? I don't want to explain it. I don't want to remember it.

Poppy nods, "That is your choice. You are of age. But...lying to Severus - "

I jump out of the bed, "Thank you for your help. I really appreciate it."

Not waiting for her to reply I walk out of the room.

ooo

This is our first big fight.

There has been bickering before, but nothing like this. It's good his dungeons are underground so that nobody can hear us.

"If you have a problem with me, deal with me!" I scream, "Do not harass Harry!"

"Is he not capable of defending himself and has to send you to stand up for him?"

"He did not send me. I am here because you need to stop with this behaviour! humiliating Harry, humiliating the Gryfindors, humiliating me. Why don't you just admit what your real problem is?"

His cold eyes meet mine, "Fine. You are my problem."

"How? What am I doing to annoy you so much?"

"Do not get me started."

"I do not talk to you. I do not even look at you. Why do you hate me so much?"

Rage flashes in his eyes, "What gave you the right to force yourself into my life?"

"You would have to marry either way!"

"And I should be thankful you made it easier for me, is that what you are saying?"

I shake my head, "Of course not, but - "

"I have agreed to this marriage and I have every right to show my displeasure over it."

"Not by picking on Gryfindors for every little thing!"

"And how are you going to stop me?" he asks, raising an eyebrow, "Of course, you are going to force me. Like you forced me to survive the War, like you forced me to marry you."

"Is that what you are really angry about? That I saved you?"

He turns around, "I do not need this right now."

I follow him as he walks to him room, "Admit it! You are angry at me for saving you! You wanted to die! Why?"

"Go back to your room," he orders.

"No!" I grab his arm, trying to make him face me.

Then it all happens very fast.

He turns around, snatching his arm away from me and backhanding me across my face.

I stumble back, completely shocked, holding my bruised cheek.

His eyes widen, "I...I did not mean...It was...by accident. I turned and - "

I know he didn't do it on purpose. He was just trying to get rid of me and I was standing too close and...it happened.

"I am so sorry," his voice is quiet.

Nodding, I take a step back, "It's alright. I'm...alright."

He simply stares at me. As if I might break into a thousand pieces.

The slap did not hurt, it was just completely unexpected.

I think my pride is wounded.

Our fight has gone too far.

"We should...go to sleep," I finally speak.

"We should."

I nod and quickly disappear into my room.

ooo

"So you are alright?" Ginny asks as she sits on the edge of my bed, "Harry said it was quite...scary."

"I would think so," I force a smile, pacing up and down the room, "It was exactly what I needed. Another embarrassment in front of the entire class."

"Don't worry, they'll forget all about it in a day or two."

"I hope so."

I run a hand through my hair, letting out a deep breath.

"Hermione, what's wrong?"

"I'm just...nervous."

"Why?"

"It's...the middle of a week."

Ginny looks at me strangely, "And...?"

"It's been almost a week since...you know. Snape and I...you know."

"Oh," she grins, "And why are you nervous?"

"Because that is not exactly something I am looking forward to, Gin."

"Why not?"

I sigh.

She does not understand. How could she?

"Alright," I try, "Picture...Professor Slughorn."

Ginny nods.

I continue, "Now try to imagine you have to sleep with him."

She grimaces, "Eww, Hermione! I did not need that in my head!"

"Now you understand me?"

She slowly returns back to normal, "Yes, but...it's kinda not the same thing."

"It is."

"No. Snape is your husband now. You should have gotten used to him by now."

I sit beside her, "Well, I haven't. Not in that way."

Ginny grimaces again, "As disgusting as it is for me to picture Snape naked, you have to admit he is a much better choice than Slughorn."

"I wouldn't know."

"What do you mean?"

I take a deep breath, "I've...never seen him...without clothes."

Confusion shows on Ginny's face, "But then how...how do you..."

"We do it," I try to explain, blushing a bit, "But we never take our clothes off."

"Are you serious?"

"It was his idea...and it's not such a bad idea."

"Hermione," Ginny starts, "Why are you two making things even more complicated?"

"Because...we can't just...we don't..."

"Look, I do not understand why you chose to marry him of all people and I probably never will. But...you are in this mess now. Why not enjoy it?"

"I don't think that's possible," I look down at my hands, not sure if I want to continue this conversation.

"You can fight by day and shag at night."

My eyes widen, "Ginny, keep your voice down! What if he's in the living room?"

She laughs, "Well, that wouldn't be such a bad thing. He could take my advice."

"Let's just...change the subject," I suggest, "Where will you be spending the holidays?"

"At home. Harry will be there as well. It's too bad you can't come too."

I shrug, "Perhaps I can. It's not like Snape wants me here. He'll be delighted to be free of me for a couple of days."

"Tell me what you've decided. Mum will be glad to finally see you."

Perhaps I could spend the winter holidays with the Weasleys. But what if Ron returns? That would be awkward. Still, spending the holidays in the cold dungeons with the coldest person on the planet is not exactly what I need right now.

ooo

I sit on the sofa, completely lost in the book I'm reading.

I bought it while I was in the Muggle World. Actually, my mum bought it for me. She thought it might help me.

Then I hear his footsteps.

Throwing a quick glance at the clock, I realize it's almost midnight.

Where has he been?

He walks into the living room and stands there for a couple of seconds, not saying anything. I try to continue reading, but it's impossible so I give up and look at him.

"You should be asleep," he finally speaks.

"The same goes for you, Sir."

He moves and sits in the armchair opposite me.

Does he want to talk about something?

His eyes drop to the book in my lap.

"Imperfection," he reads the title, then meets my eyes, "Interesting choice."

"I-I just thought it could be...interesting," I reply, putting the book away.

"A story about a girl who is left paralyzed after an accident," he speaks, "Isn't it a bit too depressing for you?"

"You...you've read it?"

"Many years ago."

I can't believe it.

Silence.

"If my memory serves me right, she is killed at the end, right?" he asks.

"I-I don't know," I shake my head, "I've just reached the middle."

He nods, remaining silent.

But my curiosity gets the best of me, "Tell me...how does she die?"

"Read the book and you will find out."

I roll my eyes, "You have already said too much. Now you have to tell me everything."

"I do not want to take the pleasure of reading it away from you."

"Yes, a real pleasure. Reading about a girl who is dying. Just tell me."

After a moment he nods, "After a year of therapy and no improvement she loses hope. She decides it is not worth it. She sees what it is doing to her family, to her friends and...she decides to end it."

"She kills herself?"

"No. She...asks her fiancée to do it."

I throat closes up, "And he does it?"

"Yes."

Silence.

I finally gather the courage to ask, "What did you think of it? The book? The ending?"

"It was interesting."

"That's all?"

"I have read better stories."

I nod, "I know that. But what did you think about the ending? Do you think she did the right thing?"

"No."

I tense up, "Why not?"

"She should not have asked somebody else to do it. If she so desperately needed to be free of this life, she should have found a way to end it herself and not place the responsibility on someone else."

"Oh. But you support her desision...to quit fighting?"

His look is dark when he finally speaks, "I believe everyone has a right to do whatever they wish with their life," after a slight pause he continues, "That is a lesson you still need to learn."

I know what he is trying to say.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, "I didn't know you wanted to...die."

"It was not something I wanted, Miss Granger. You do not understand. It was something that was meant to happen."

I meet his eyes, "I don't believe that. If you were meant to die then you would have died."

He smirks, "And now I am alive. With nothing to do. No mission. Nothing. What is the point of my existence?"

"There is a reason, Sir. I'm sure of it. Everything happens for a reason."

He blinks at me, "I think you have been reading a bit too much of that book. You should go to sleep."

With those words he stands up and leaves the room.

After a few minutes I do the same.

A/N: People have been asking if Hermione dies at the end. I can't answer that question. To be honest, I haven't really decided. So just be patient with me. ;) Thank you.