~ chapter 10 ~

I look down at my left arm, noticing a new bruise. It's purple with small capillaries that somehow broke under the skin, allowing blood to escape and build up. A small reminder that I am not healthy. No matter how good I've been feeling these past few days, my body does not allow me to forget that I am dying.

Taking a deep breath, I look at the large cut on the inside of my wrist. I made that. A few weeks ago. Before my marriage to Snape. I was going crazy, there were too many things going on, my parents, friends, the law, my illness, too much pressure. I thought I was going to explode and I did it. Cut myself. I made me feel better, but only for a few seconds. It somehow felt as if I released all the pressure inside of me.

I have never cut myself again after that.

ooo

I am about to leave the classroom with Harry when McGonagall's voice stops me.

"Miss Granger, a word, please."

Harry looks at me, "Do you want me to wait for you?"

"No, it's fine. I'll see you at lunch."

He leaves and I turn to face the Headmistress.

She approaches me, a worried expression on her face, "Miss Granger - "

"What's wrong?" I tense up, "My parents?"

"No, no. Your parents are alright."

I relax a bit, "Then what is it? I know something's wrong."

She struggles with words for a few moments, "I...Ronald Weasley is here."

I do not react for a long moment, but then my eyes widen in shock, "What? Where?"

"Here. At Hogwarts."

"But...that's not possible. Professor Snape banned him from ever coming here again."

McGonagall raises an eyebrow, "Professor Snape is a very respected teacher and a war hero. But I am still the Headmistress here. And I decide who is allowed on the property and who is not."

I smile a bit, "Of course. So...where is he? And why are you telling me this?"

As far as I know Ron does not want anything to do with me.

"He is in my office, waiting for you, Miss Granger."

I gulp, "He wants to...talk to me?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure? Perhaps he meant Harry - "

"He was very specific, Miss Granger. He would like to see you."

I have waited so long for this. And now I don't know what to do.

ooo

I walk into McGonagall's office, pretending to be really confident.

And then all my fake confidence comes crashing down when I see him. After that big fight in the hallway and after months of not seeing each other, he is here again.

He stands up and turns to face me.

He's different. His hair is longer, he's taller and more muscular.

Our eyes meet and I wait in silence, not sure of how to proceed. If he starts to yell at me again I will just leave.

And then he...smiles. It's one of those shy smiles, the ones I've fallen in love with.

"Hermione," he says and his voice is deeper.

He has changed so much.

"Ron," I say back.

And then he points at the seat next to him, "Come, sit down."

I don't move for a long moment, but then I shake my head, "What are you doing here? Does your family knows you're back? Does Harry know?"

"No, I wanted to talk to you first."

That surprises me, "Why? If my memory serves me right, you said you don't want anything to do with me the last time I saw you."

He cringes, "I'm...sorry for that. I was upset. But...things have changed. And now I'm...back."

"Back?"

"Back at school," he smiles.

"You're..."

"I've returned to finish my last year."

I blink a few times, "But...Ron...you hate school."

A short laugh escapes him, "I still want to finish my last year."

I approach him, "You've been all over the Daily Prophet for the last couple of months. Traveling around the world, enjoying life, surrounded by girls."

"Hermione, that was then. I was foolish, thinking I can live my life without education. Being a war hero does not pay bills. And fame eventually dies out."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. He's coming back to school?

"But," I start, "It's December. How are you going to catch up with everything?"

"Well, I was thinking you could help me. And - "

I raise my hand up to silence him, "Wait. Why the sudden change? You know...you know I'm still married to Professor Snape?"

He tenses up at that, but nods, "I know. And I promise to not make any scenes because of that."

I watch him in silence. Can I believe him?

"Hermione," he starts, his voice low, "I...realized something while I was away."

"And what is that?"

"I...I'm..."

"Ron?"

"I want you back," he blushes a bit.

My throat closes up when I hear those words from him, "Ron..."

"Just hear me out. I came back here to finish the year and to win you back."

I close my eyes in frustration, "Ron, that's insane."

"I don't know why you did what you did, but I know you aren't in love with him. Tell me I'm wrong."

He waits.

I'm silent.

After a few moments he clears his throat, "Well, I should go find McGonagall."

After he leaves the room, I let out a tired breath. No matter how much I missed him, I do not want him here. It will just complicate everything.

ooo

I decide to hide myself in my room for the rest of the day.

The evening quickly approaches and I know what that means. Only the thought of it makes me cringe.

I hate it.

But that's the right thing to feel. I am not supposed to feel anything other than disgust. I'm sleeping with Professor Snape, for god's sake. I can't even imagine feeling anything close to pleasure.

Why am I even thinking about it? Obviously, I'm spending too much time with Ginny. Her crazy ideas are starting to affect me.

ooo

I hear someone banging on the doors and it startles me.

Without thinking I run out of my room, "Who is it?" I yell as I reach the doors.

"Hermione!" Harry's voice.

I unlock the doors and open them, "What's the matter?"

"Hurry! They're fighting!"

I do not need to ask questions. I know exactly who he is referring to.

ooo

I somehow make my way through the crowd. Someone pushes me and I almost fall to the floor, but manage to stay on my feet as I reach the two of them.

Ron and Professor Snape.

They are fighting in the hallway, not caring there are students watching them.

"...Azkaban. You are not allowed on school ground," Snape says, his voice dripping with venom.

"Says who? You cannot prevent me from returning here and finishing my education."

"Are you willing to bet you life on it?"

I stand in the middle, "Stop it, both of you!"

"Granger, step aside," Snape warns me.

"No, I will not step aside."

"Hermione," Ron starts, "This isn't my fault. He saw me and just attacked."

I look at Snape and notice he is holding his wand. Why is he holding his wand? Did he intend to curse Ron?

"I am a teacher here and it is my duty to prevent trespassing. You are no longer a student here, Mr. Weasley."

Ron raises his eyebrows, "You are wrong, Professor. I am a student here."

"Oh, now you are a liar too?" Snape asks.

I turn to look at him, "He's not lying. He's back to finish his last year."

Silence.

Snape's face hardens, "And who has allowed that?"

"Professor McGonagall," I answer quietly.

I can see he is not pleased by that. In fact, he seems really angry.

"We will see about that," he replies and storms off.

Anger shoots through me as I face the students that are watching, "Don't you all have an elsewhere to be?"

I am sick and tired of scenes like this.

I try to walk away, but Ron grabs my arm, stopping me, "He started it, Hermione. I swear."

"Ronald! Grow up, will you?" with that I pull my arm out of his grip and leave.

ooo

I wait for him in the living room. It's dark already and I know his conversation with McGonagall has to be finished by now. He's probably in his classroom, being angry.

Finally he comes home.

Home?

Are his dungeons my home now?

He only looks at me, not saying anything.

"I found out today," I speak, breaking the silence, "I don't like it either, but...we can't do anything about it."

"Shall we go to my bedroom?" he asks, completely ignoring the whole 'Ron' problem.

After a minute of awkward silence, "Fine," I nod, standing up.

ooo

It's always the same.

I wait on the bed while he's in the bathroom, doing God knows what. I suspect he takes a few potions to make him able to...do what he needs to do.

When he finally leaves the bathroom, I look up at him, opening my mouth to speak, but decide against it.

"What is it?" he demands, raising his eyebrow.

"Nothing."

"Granger."

Silence.

"Granger, we do not have the time for this."

"We have the whole night."

"I would like to get it over with as soon as possible.

Again, I look up at him, "Why...why do we never take our clothes off?"

He tenses up, it is obvious he did not expect that kind of a question.

"I..." he starts, "It's...easier."

"Is it?"

"Yes."

I swallow hard, "Well, it makes me feel...cheap."

He is uncomfortable, "Do we need to have this conversation?"

"Yes, we do. I...I want something to change," I sound really pathetic, don't I?

He looks at me cruelly, "What did you expect? Roses on the bed? Cuddling?"

"A kiss."

Did I really just say that?

He's silent.

Perhaps I shouldn't have said anything.

"I do not kiss, Miss Granger," he finally speaks, his voice hard.

"Is it wrong that I want to be kissed? Even if you don't feel anything for me. I don't want to feel so...used everytime we..."

"I do not kiss," he repeats.

"Is this how it's going to be until the end?"

He nods.

I run a hand through my hair, "I don't want it to be. I want..."

"Granger, I do not wish to discuss such things."

"I'm dying. I want to feel loved or at least respected. I want to make the best of the months I've got left," those are the words inside my head.

But all I am capable to say is, "Fine."

He takes a deep breath, "The contraceptive you drank last night should last for two days."

I gather my courage and stand up, "Would you consider...doing things a bit differently if I...reveal the real reason for marrying you?"

He crosses his arms over his chest, interest painted on his face.

"Would you?" I ask again.

He narrows his eyes at me, "What exactly is it that you want from me?"

I blush a bit, "I want...something has to change."

"Do you wish to...make love?" he spits the last two words out, "I am not capable of that, Miss Granger."

"I didn't mean...just...everything is so cold and clinical."

"As it should be. I am a teacher. You are a student. If it were anything other than cold, it would be wrong."

I look down, feeling defeated.

He is right.

But why do I want things to change?

"However," he speaks again and my eyes meet his, "I will take your offer up for a consideration. Tomorrow."

"I...I can't tell you. You'll have to figure it out yourself."

"Granger - "

"Just read through the whole Law and you'll figure it out. I'm sure," I turn away from him and sit on the bed.

He approaches me, turns the lights off and we do our duty.

ooo

I decide to skip breakfast the next morning, but then I see him in the kitchen. For some strange reason I feel drawn to him.

"Morning," I say as I enter.

The look he gives me, sends chills down my spine.

What have I done wrong now?

"Sir?"

He lowers the paper he was reading and I notice it's not the Daily Prophet. It's the letter we all got. The Marriage Law.

My throat closes up. Has he figured it out?

Finally he speaks, "I have to admit, you almost fooled me. But I knew something is wrong."

He knows.

Oh God, he knows.

"I read through the Law, just as you suggested," he says, "And there was one clause that got my attention. You know which one I am talking about, don't you?"

I'm shaking now.

Slowly he stands up, "Something about if one spouse dies, the remaining one is not required to marry again. He or she would be free of the Law. Is that what you wanted me to see?"

"Y-Yes."

I couldn't say it out loud, he had to figure it out himself.

I expected pity on his face.

Shock.

But not anger and hate and disgust.

"I understand it now," he continues, "The mystery, the strange obsession with marrying me, an old man."

Where is this conversation going?

He approaches me, his voice barely above a whisper, "I am sorry to disappoint, Miss Granger, but I am not planning on dying anytime soon. That means you are going to be stuck with me for a while."

I freeze.

What?

"How cunning of you," he adds, "Almost as if you were a Slytherin."

And then he walks away, leaving me alone.

No.

No. No. No.

He misunderstood everything.

What have I done?

A/N: The only way to fix things is to tell him the truth. ;) Thank you for reading!