~ chapter 11 ~

He has been ignoring me for the past two days now. I have tried talking to him but he would just send me away, not even looking at me. And I am not even trying anymore. I could let him think what he thinks. I would rather have him thinking I'm manipulative then know that I'm weak and dying. Even if that means he won't say anything to me in the future.

If only he could leave me alone in class as well.

"Miss Granger, I highly doubt your potion is finished," he says, looking up from his desk.

"It's not, Sir," I answer.

Neville is becoming nervous beside me, it's his potion as well. We have to work in pairs and Neville asked if he could be my partner. I feel sorry for him, he didn't know I don't feel like doing anything today.

Snape stands up, "Then why are you staring off into space?"

What can I say?

"I'm sorry, Sir, I'll get right on it," I mumble and try to pull myself together.

"If you are not up to the task, you should have stayed in your room," he replies slowly, "But since you have decided to grace us with your presence, I expect you to show willingness to work. Like everybody else."

"Yes, Sir," I force out.

Finally he seems to let it go as he walks over to another student, commenting on his potion.

"Hermione, are you alright?" Neville whispers.

"It's just been a really bad day," I admit, "Or bad couple of days."

He shakes his head, "It'll get even worse if we don't get this potion right."

I take a deep breath, "Alright, where were we?"

Looking down at the textbook, I scan the list of ingredients quickly, trying to memorize them.

"You are not entirely yourself," Neville says, "What if I try to finish the potion this time?"

"That's really nice of you, but I have to help too," I answer, not really looking at him.

...after the water boils add two slices of...

...stir clockwise...

"No, Hermione, really, I got it," Neville insists.

And then it happens.

Something explodes and the force pushes me to the ground.

I cough a few times, there is smoke everywhere. Students are panicking. I can hear noise and then someone yelling.

Slowly, I try to pull myself up from the floor, my eyes burning, making it very difficult to see straight.

"Mr. Longbottom!" an angry voice cuts through all the panic.

"S-Sir, I'm sorry, I don't know what happened..."

Neville is still on the floor, probably too afraid to stand up.

Snape makes his way to us, rolling his eyes at the sight of scared Neville, "Do get up, Mr. Longbottom."

And then he turn his attention to me, "Are you hurt? What happened?"

"I'm fine," I answer, blinking a few times.

My eyes are watery and burning.

"You are not fine," Snape concludes, turning to Neville, "And you?"

"F-Fine, Sir. Hermione was standing closer to it when it...exploded."

"I see. Take Miss Granger to the Hospital Wing."

I protest, "No, there's no need for that."

His voice leaves no room for arguments, "A potion exploded in your face. You are going to the Hospital Wing."

I am sick and tired of hospitals and doctors and medicine. But I can't tell him that.

So I only nod, making my way out of the classroom.

Neville follows, "I'm really sorry, Hermione. I-I don't know what happened."

I hear Snape's voice to other students as we leave the room, "What are you waiting for? The show is over. Continue."

ooo

I am having trouble sleeping. It's three o' clock in the morning and I'm still in our living room, drinking tea and trying to read. But no matter how hard I try I simply cannot concentrate. The words are there, but they make no sense in my head. My mind is somewhere else entirely. It's frustrating.

The nights are the worst. It seems as if all the dark thoughts decide to come out and torture me with horrible images.

Images of death.

Dying.

Funerals.

Afterlife.

Is there an afterlife?

Or will I just stop existing and that's it?

Then I hear something.

Voices.

Noise.

I slowly stand up, looking around. I grab my wand, feeling a bit safer with it. It's been almost three months since the end of the War, but I can't help but flinch at every unusual sound.

I listen for a few minutes and realize it's coming from his bedroom. What is he doing?

Should I go and check?

No, probably not.

But then my legs are moving and before I even know what I'm doing I'm standing in front of the doors to his bedroom.

"Sir?" I whisper.

Nothing.

I should just turn around and walk away.

But then I hear him again.

He's...fighting with someone.

Is he?

Not even bothering to knock, I push the doors open and enter, ready to face whatever or whoever is there.

But there's only Snape.

He's asleep in his bed.

Is he having a nightmare?

I approach the bed, tensing up as I see him moving his head, his lips moving. There's sweat on his face and he seems...terrified.

It's wrong, I know, but I sit beside him on the bed.

"Professor? Wake up."

He doesn't.

So I touch his face lightly, "Sir?"

He calms down and slowly opens his eyes.

At first there is confusion on his face and then suddenly he jerks away from me.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he snaps, sitting up.

"I-I heard you and ..."

"And you thought you have the right to invade my privacy?"

I stand up, moving away from the bed, "I only wanted to help. I heard you all the way to the living room."

"You could have put a silencing spell on my room. Problem solved."

Why is he so aggressive towards me?

"You were having a nightmare," I say.

"None of your business."

Then I notice he is only wearing his black pants and I blush immediately. Even though we have been married for a few weeks by now, I still have not seen him topless. Until now.

I quickly turn around, "I-I'll just leave now."

"Good idea," he replies.

"I'm really sorry, Sir," I quickly say.

"Wait."

I stop and turn to face him again.

He speaks again, "I have a piece of advice for you, Miss Granger."

What?

"Yes?"

His eyes turn cold, "Stop trying to help me."

I tense up, then nod.

If he only knew.

ooo

I have decided to have dinner in the Great Hall with my friends. Snape does not seem to want my presence, so there is no need to spend more time then necessary in our living quarters.

"I am really sorry," Neville starts again.

"Stop apologizing, I told you it's no big deal," I reply, "You heard what Madam Pomfrey said. There was no serious damage."

"But it could have been," he insists.

"What actually happened?" Ron asks from across the table.

I try to keep my face normal, even though it is strange having him back at school. Things have changed and he can't expect everything to be just the way it was before.

"Um, I don't really know," I answer calmly, "I was reading the instructions and it just exploded."

"I-I don't even know what I added to it," Neville admits, "Professor Snape was looking at us and I panicked."

"He still has that kind of an effect on you?" Harry asks, raising his eyebrows.

Neville blushes a bit, "He's Snape."

I laugh under my breath, but luckily nobody notices.

"So, where will you be spending the holidays?" Ginny looks at me, "Harry's already agreed to spend it with us."

I freeze, not knowing what to say. I want to spend it with my family, but that is out of the question. The Weasleys were my second option, but now I'm not so sure. Ron will be there as well and it could just complicate things.

"Come on, Hermione," Ginny insists, "You don't want to spend those cold days down in the dungeons all alone," then she pauses for a moment, "Would he even let you leave for the holidays?"

I shake my head, "That's not the problem. He does not mind me going anywhere."

I can see Ron tense, he does not like the subject of our conversation.

"Then you are coming with us," Ginny smiles, "Mum will be so happy to have us all back. Together."

"I don't know," I sigh, "I'll think about it."

Spending the holidays in the cold dungeons with a cold person does not sound like fun at all.

ooo

It's weekend again.

Trying to make the best of it, I convince Ginny to accompany me as I visit the Diagon Ally.

I need new clothes. Anything with long sleeves and a few turtlenecks. There are more and more spots on my body and using a glamour everyday is becoming tiresome.

Just as we are about to enter a first shop a child approaches us.

"You are Hermione Granger, War Heroine," he asks, a big smile on his face.

I look at Ginny, then back at the child, "Yes, I'm Hermione."

The boy has to be seven or eight years old.

"I can't wait to tell my friends I saw you," he continues.

Ginny kneels down to him, "And do you know who I am?"

The body seems confused, "I'm not sure. Aren't you Harry Potter's girlfriend? Is Harry Potter here as well?"

I laugh and Ginny simply rolls her eyes, "Where is your mother?"

The boy points at the woman standing a few feet away, waving at him to come back.

"Off you go," Ginny says and he quickly runs back to his mother.

I have been recognized many times, even asked for an autograph, but I've never meet a child who knew who I am.

"I helped in the War as well, you know?" Ginny protests, "And people recognize me only as the Boy-who-lived's girlfriend."

A laugh escapes me and I grab Ginny's arm, pulling her into the shop.

ooo

"So does he give you money? Or...?" Ginny asks as we leave the shop, carrying a few shopping bags.

"No. I mean, he offered, but I can't take money from him."

"Why not? You are his wife."

I grimace, "It's complicated. I have my own money, not a lot of it, but enough to be independent."

And then suddenly someone grabs me from behind. I drop my shopping bags, but before I can grab my wand something is pushed into my back.

"Do not say a word," a voice whispers into my ear.

I freeze.

Looking over to Ginny, I realize she is in the same situation. Her attacker is wearing black robes and I recognize the person. It's one of the Death Eaters that have been on the run.

"My wand is pressed into your back," my attacker whispers, "Do as I say or you will die."

I look around, my eyes screaming for help, but no one notices what is happening.

"We are going to take a walk," the man says to me and then pushes me forward, forcing me to move.

ooo

I know where they are taking us.

Knockturn Alley.

Finally we reach a dark corner and the man releases me, pushing me to the ground. The other man does the same thing with Ginny. We both quickly pull ourselves up.

"Let her go and I won't fight you," I speak, looking at the both of them.

One of them laughs, "I would not advise you to fight us if you know what is good for you."

"Someone probably saw us in the Diagon Alley. The authorities have been alerted by now," Ginny says, her voice angry, "Let us go."

"I think not," he grins, "The Dark Lord is dead and there is nothing left for us to do...besides revenge. The front story in the Daily Prophet. The War Heroine and her sidekick found dead in the streets of the Knockturn alley."

I look at the wand in his hands.

Mine is in my pocket. If only I could pull it out without him noticing.

"You wand, please," he speaks as if reading my mind, "Both of you."

I grit my teeth together, "No."

"Wands, now," he raises his voice.

We both just stand there, not moving.

I will not give him my wand. He is going to kill me either way.

Our behaviour does not please them and one of them flicks his wand at me. A large cut appears on my stomach and I cry out at the sudden pain. And then I decide to take a risk. I push myself to the ground, holding my stomach, pretending to be in great pain.

Ginny kneels down next to me, "Hermione?"

I use that moment to quickly pull my wand out of my pocket.

It all happens in less than a second.

I fire a curse at them, but they deflect it. Then Ginny pulls her wand out as well.

Curses are flying everywhere.

"Stupefy!" Ginny and I scream at the same time.

And it works.

Both attackers fall to the floor.

Are we safe?

I don't allow myself to relax too soon, "Ginny, send for help!"

ooo

Adrenaline.

I have not felt like this since the Battle.

The feeling when your life is in danger.

The feeling when you know you can end someone else's life.

I'm back at Hogwarts, sitting in McGonagall's office, but my heart still has not calmed down. And even though there is a blanket covering me, I still feel cold.

"They have been taken away for questioning," Minerva explains, a worried expression on her face, "This is what we have been afraid of. Random attacks."

"It was not random," I say, "I think they were expecting us there. They've probably been following us, me, for quite some time now."

"You are safe now," she assures me, "You can go to your quarters or you can wait for Miss Weasley. She is still being questioned."

"She knows as much as I do," I whisper, trying to feel normal again.

I flinch as someone bursts into room.

"'Mione, are you alright?" Ron asks, shock on his face, "What happened?"

I stand up, facing him. I am too tired to explain everything to him too. I have spent the last half an hour answering every question possible and all I want now is to go to sleep.

"Mr. Weasley, shouldn't you be with your sister?" Minerva asks, noticing how tired I am.

"I was with her and she sent me here," he answers, "Are you alright, Hermione?"

I pull the blanket tighter around me, "I'm fine. I just...want to go to my room. You understand, right?"

He's a bit hurt, but smiles, "Of course."

I nod, "Well...good night."

Quickly, I make my way down to the dungeons.

I almost collapse on the sofa in the living room, pulling the blanket away from my body.

Just as I am about to close my eyes and rest for a moment I hear steps.

"Granger."

It's Snape.

He's standing in the doorway, a bit out of breath. Was he running?

"What are you doing here?" he demands, moving closer to me, "Why aren't you in the Hospital Wing?"

"Because I don't need to be there," I reply, brushing the hair out of my face.

"How did it happen?" he asks, "I have been looking for you ever since I was informed about the attack."

"Ginny and I were in the Diagon Alley and they just attacked, threatening us and taking us to a dark corner in the Knockturn Alley."

"What happened there?"

"We refused to give them our wands and somehow I got a hold of mine and..."

"You are bleeding," he suddenly comments, cutting me off.

"What?" I follow his gaze and notice that cut on my stomach.

I have completely forgotten about it.

And no one else noticed it.

"Why hasn't anybody taken care of that?" he demands, "How did it happen?"

"A cutting Curse, I think. Nothing serious, it was just meant to scare me."

Snape clears his throat, "Let me take a look at it."

I open my mouth to protest, but his expression tells me it's either him or the Hospital Wing.

Sighing, I lean back and pull my shirt up.

Snape walks over to his cabinet, taking out two little vials. When he returns he sits on the table across from me. I look down at myself. The shirt is dirty and there is blood on it. Disgusting. So I quickly unbutton it, taking it off and throwing it at the floor. I don't ever want to see it again.

I'm still wearing my sleeveless white undershirt and that too is covered in blood. I can't wait to take a hot shower. I lean back, pulling the undershirt up, revealing a large, but not very deep cut right above my belly buton.

Snape takes a deep breath, opening one small vial and handing it to me.

"Drink this."

I grimace at the sight of green liquid inside it, but I make no comments as I drink it, placing the empty bottle back onto the desk.

I close my eyes, wanting this to be over as soon as possible.

Snape flicks his wand, using a spell to clean the cut. And then I feel his hand on my skin. He has warm hands.

And I can't help but look at his face as he spreads the ointment on my skin. He is concentrating on the task, but I can see he is uncomfortable with what he is doing.

"You have not been eating well lately, have you?" he suddenly asks.

I look down, noticing my ribs are sticking out and it's not a pretty sight.

Feeling the need to change the subject, I take a deep breath, "Sir?" I ask, "I would like to talk to you."

He knows what I mean, "There is no need, Miss Granger."

"You have it all wrong. The law, what you read, you misunderstood," I try to explain.

"I disagree," his voice is cold, "But there really is no need to discuss it."

He pulls away from me and I almost protest at the lack of his touch.

"I am not what you think I am," I insist.

"Weasey is back. And do not think I am an idiot. I know he is not back here because of his education."

I bite my lip, not capable of disagreeing.

"Here," he offers me the ointment, "Apply this every morning and it will not leave a scar."

I take the vial from him and then suddenly he grabs my hand, his eyes narrowing in suspicion.

I try to pull my arm away from his grasp, but it's pointless.

"Sir?"

He does not say anything, simply turns my hand so that the inside of my wrist is now visible to him. I freeze. I think my heart stopped for a second. It's there. The dark, purple bruises and the cut I made a long time ago.

All the blood goes in my head as I blush with embarrassment.

"Let go of me," I struggle, desperate to hide my faults.

His eyes remain on my damaged skin for a long moment, inspecting it, observing it.

I feel as though I am about to cry.

And then he finally lets go. I press my arm against my chest and quickly wrap a blanket around my body, wanting to hide myself from him.

I just want to run to my room.

Why isn't he saying anything?

His eyes finally meet mine and I see disbelief in them.

"Miss Granger," he starts, his voice calm and slow, "Are you...hurting yourself?"

I feel so ashamed.

I'm not hurting myself. I only did it once and never again after that. And now he's looking at me as if I'm a crazy person that might fall to pieces any moment.

"I-I'm not," I answer.

"That cut is self-inflicted," he says.

"How would you know?" I snap at him, "What if I got cut in...in the Battle? Or...what if it's from when Bellatrix tortured me?"

I feel so pathetic lying to him. Defending myself and trying to hide this disgusting secret of mine.

"Granger, are you still hurting yourself? Tell me."

Now he is acting like a doctor and I hate doctors.

"I'm not hurting myself. I'm not cutting myself," I stand up, "Now I am going to my room and don't worry, I won't try to cut my veins."

Before he has a chance to reply, I storm past him, out of the room.

A/N: More trouble? More misunderstandings? ;) Keep reading. Thank you.