Chapter 8: An Apprenticeship Ended
Morvis: If I have to deal with one more divorce, I am going to shoot someone where the sun don't shine!
Pippin: Who exactly?
Morvis: The guy who started this mess!
Merry: I think that means you, Pip.
Pippin: How was I to know that because Arwen left Aragorn that he would run off with Eowyn, making Faramir run off with Rosie, making Sam run off with Galadriel?
Gimli: Is that all.
Morvis: Actually, no. Celeborn is gay, as it turns out, and ran off with Frodo. Thank win-a-bagel that HE wasn't married.
Boromir: Who?
Morvis: win-a-bagel, the guy I answer to.
Boromir: *still clueless* Ah, I see…?
Frodo: Morvis! Something important must be about to happen! I just saw an Observer walking through the crowd!
(A/N: Shut up, I love Fringe.)
Morvis: Hm? Oh don't be ridiculous, I'm expecting company is all.
*A well dressed gentleman with a goatee and wearing a fedora walks up to Morvis*
H.M. Lee: Did I miss the party?
Morvis: The party missed you, man, but don't worry, I've attended some pretty good after-parties.
Celeborn: Uh, question.
H.M. Lee: Yes, you in the back?
Celeborn: Who are you exactly?
H.M. Lee: I'm awesome like him, but suave, and that's all you need to know.
Morvis: And he is here because of his faithfulness to this fic, specifically returning to it even after my long absence. So he will have the same privileges as Elboron while he's here. *looks around* Is that going to be a problem, Elboron?
Aragorn: I haven't seen him in a couple of hours.
Morvis: Oh, well. Lee, get ready for the ride of your life!
This is one of the funniest stories I've read in a loooooooooooong time. XD Nice job, man! And now, for my dares/truths:
1. I dare Legolas to let Gimli give him a haircut (Sorry Lego XD)
2. I dare Frodo to walk up to Sauron and cuss him out wearing nothing but his elf-cloak.
3. Truth for Pippin: Do you have a severe addiction to Justin Beiber or not?
4. I dare Aragorn to tell Arwen that he had an affair with Galadriel while in Lothlorien. :D
Aaaaaaaaaannnndd...I GO!
-E4me100
Legolas: *shaking with fear* At- at least use a-a pr-proper hair c-cutting tool, won-won't you Gimli?
Gimli: Relax, I'm not gonna use anything barbaric, just my axe.
Legolas: *faints*
H.M. Lee: *inconspicuously takes out a camera*
Gimli: *goes apeshit on Legolas's hair* Done.
Legolas: *wakes up* Unngh… what do I look like?
Frodo: It's kinda like a cross between a mohawk, an afro, a ponytail, and a bowl cut.
Morvis: What he means is it looks like two Wargs in mating season.
Legolas: *shoots an arrow straight up into the sky*
H.M. Lee: You won't be able to reach win-a-bagel, though I applaud you for trying. *begins slow clap obviously meant to mock Legolas*
Everyone: *joins in*
(Arrow comes down and kills Gimli)
H.M. Lee: Ahhhhhhhhh… but what about the other one?
Legolas: What do you mean? I only shot one- *gets killed by arrow from sky*
Morvis: Nice *high-fives Lee*
Frodo: *Strips down to nothing, puts on the cloak, and walks over to the room where Sauron has locked himself inside* Sauron, you great big (censored) of a (censored) eye, (censored) you (censored) (censored) can't (censored) orcs, (censored) and (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) half as big of a (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) or as an alternative, you could (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) on your mother's side of the family, she (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored)- *gets cut off as the door falls on him in slo-mo*
Sauron: *picks the door back up and goes back in*
Everyone: 0_0
Morvis: Ho… ly… shit! He didn't repeat a single curse word!
H.M. Lee: I'm impressed. At least four of those I invented yesterday.
Pippin: NO!
Aragorn: Arwen isn't here either. I'll tell her later.
Morvis: Aaaaand, more dares!
Hmm... Dares...
1. Dare Legolas to have a love life.
2. Have Pippin and Merry try to throw Gimli in the River while he's asleep.
3. Ask Sauron how he can speak when he's just an eyeball. O.o
~Darklight Dragons
Legolas: Can I choose? Can I pleeeeeeeeeeez choose?
Morvis: I suppose.
Legolas: GALADRIEL!
H.M. Lee: But she's dating Sam.
Morvis: So it's a battle to the death then! *shoves Legolas and Sam in a cage* The winner gets Galadriel. GO!
Sam: *Brandishes his sword* You stay back! I'm warning you! She's mine!
Legolas: *fires all 286 arrows he owns with a single pluck of his bow* Nuh-uh!
Galadriel: Don't I have a say in the matter?
H.m. Lee: 'fraid not, madam. *winks at her*
Galadriel: Well aren't you the gentleman- *explodes from the force of the wink*
Saruman: You are… CRUEL!
Gimli: *is taking a nap*
Merry and Pippin: *throw him in the river they travelled on from Lothlorien, thus sending him over the waterfall*
Morvis: Go ahead, Lee.
H.M. Lee: *knocks on Sauron's door* Hey, how were you able to speak when you were round and fiery?
Sauron: TAHT'S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!
H.M. Lee: *sigh* I tried to do this peacefully… *releases the full swarm of Moria goblins into the room*
Sauron: *slays them all and rages out of the room only to be shot in the face with a .50 caliber handgun*
Lee: *blows smoke off the gun* Maybe some things are meant to remain mysteries.
1. Legolas has to be accompanied by Captain Jack Sparrow through the entire chapter, because Jack thinks he's Will
2. Legolas needs to talk to Orlando bloom/will turner( i don't know why, i was just bored)_
3. Frodo and Legolas have to kiss for at least 30 seconds.
~sign Sexy-Rexy
Jack Sparrow and Will Turner: *both show up and head straight for Legolas* Hello
Legolas: Hello. Say, you look an awful l lot like- *is cut off as a 200-foot mechanical lizard bursts out of the ground and devours the pirates characters (I guess that's the end of them)
Arwen: *pokes her head out of the lizard* Now I shall have my revenge! *lizard breathes fire everywhere*
Morvis: Aragorn, you get to fight it. Go on, be the hero we know you aren't!
Aragorn: *rolls his eyes and charges into battle*
Morvis: Now, let's- *100 knives fly at him from everywhere which he barely blocks as Elboron lands and blasts him full in the face with lightning, knocking him backwards*
Elboron: You took me in! You gave me power! You pretended to be my friend! All so you could humiliate me with your superior skills! Well no more!
Morvis: Lee! *bats a hurled boulder back at Elboron, who shatters it and absorbs its kinetic energy to make himself stronger* You take over for me! The show must go on!
Lee: *considers going to lend a hand but then changes his mind* Morvis is right! Frodo and Legolas, make out! Now!
Legolas and Frodo :*make out… savagely*
Aragorn: *calls for help, and through a confusing and rapid series of events, a full scale war is started. On one side is the hobbits and men, including Morvis, and on the other side, the lizard, elves, and dwarves, and Elboron.*
introduce the fellowship (especially the hobbits) to marijuana
-Icepick
H. : *blocks a javelin and generates massive amounts of marijuana smoke and sends it to the hobbits*
Hobbits: *get completely high and that somehow improves their fighting*
Good to have you back, because its dare time!
Eowyn: Make 10 pots of your disgusting stew from the extended edition.
Aragorn: Eat. All. Of. It.
Grima Wormtongue: Try to not be creepy for an entire day.
Everyone: Since it's Christmas time, have a Christmas party and put lights and ornaments on Treebeard.
Gimli: Dress up as Santa for the Christmas party.
Elves: Dress up as Santa's elves for the Christmas party, just for the lame pun.
-H. M. Lee
P.S. Morvis: Tell your reviewers to have more imagination than "character x make out with character y"
Eowyn: I can't do that now! Everyone will see my ingredients!
H.M. Lee: And why would you have a problem with that, I wonder?
Eowyn: *goes red* Fine. *heats some expired milk, slices up a raw squid into the pot, then purees-* DO YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM THAT?!
Lee: I am truly, deeply, sincerely, laughing inside.
Eowyn: *blends a troll buttock up and stirs it in, then brings the whole mix to Aragorn*
Aragorn: What ever I did to deserve this, I swear… *cuts off the lizard's head only to have five grow back* FUCK YOU, ARWEN! *sucks back the stew and promptly pukes it up on the lizard, making it short-circuit*
Arwen: FUCK YOU, ARAGORN! *jumps out of the lizard and the two start having an epic sword duel*
Grima: Say what, now?
Frodo: He failed! *gets stepped on by Elrond, who gets grabbed by Treebeard and thrown straight at Grima, obliterating them both*
Aragorn and Arwen: *both faint of exhaustion*
Gimli: A Christmas party?! You gotta be friggin' kidding me!
H.M. Lee: All right, the fighting stops in 3…2…1… now.
Everybody except Morvis and Elboron: *spontaneously die for no reason*
Morvis: *clones himself 3 times and they all close in and despite Elboron's furious attacks, stab him simultaneously*
Elboron: *dissolves into red plasma which Morvis (the other three vanished) locks in a bottle with a Big F-ing Cork ™ * And that is that. *Sadly, he sends the bottle spinning out into space*
Morvis: Thank you Lee. I know this wasn't in the contract.
Lee: That's why I never sign contracts. Always telling me what I can and can't do.
Morvis: *revives everybody* We are not going to talk about it, we will just continue with the dares. Now let's see some festive cheer!
Everyone: *put up decorations and start cooking and getting along as they always have*
Treebeard: Somehow, I think I should be feeling humiliated right now.
Morvis: And he said let there be snow and behold there was snow! *it starts snowing*
Gimli: Santa? I get to dress up as my grandpa? WOOT!
Elves: We have to be Gimli's slaves? That's insulting. *they dress up anyways*
Im supposed to be asleep but I started laughing like an idiot anyway.
dare: faramir and wormtongue fight to the death
have aragorn and arwen magically switch story thingies with link and zelda
Morvis: shut up for five whole minutes in a row.
merry and pippin sing the song that gets on everybodys nerves
Morvis: after shutting up find a good legagorn slash story and dare Legolas and aragorn to read it. Have this one before the link and zelda.
Have Saruman sic the wargs on link and zelda.
update soon please
-butterflyninja935
Faramir: Ah, come on, it's a party. Death would ruin the festive cheer!
Grima: Not for me! *stabs Faramir 4859 times in the back, chest, arms, legs, head, and testicles*
Morvis: You're right! I'm feeling better too!
Aragorn and Arwen: Who? *disappear and get replaced by Link and Zelda*
Link: Aw, man, not again.
Legolas: *love at first sight when he sees Zelda*
Morvis: *is surprised that someone thinks he talks too much and starts communicating telepathically* I am no longer talking. Are you happy?
Merry and Pippin: Ooohhhhhh, we know a song that gets on all your nerves, gets on all your nerves, gets on all your nerves- *get mobbed and crushed*
Morvis: Sorry, but I can't do this one because it says to do it after one dare but before another in a way that isn't possible. If you want it in a different order, make sure it's in the right order in your review.
Saruman: Send out the Warg riders!
Link: Wolves! *fetal position and gets ripped to shreds*
Zelda: *rolls her eyes and fights against the beasts but is losing*
Legolas: NOOOOOOO! *runs in and fends off the wolves*
Zelda: Whew! Thanks for showing up! *gestures at bloody mess* Link is useless.
Legolas: *is unsure of what to say, so just kisses her and they ride off on Shadowfax into the sunset*
H.M. Lee: So THAT'S how I should try to get a girl! Save her from some wolves! Now where am I gonna find some wolves…
I GOT ANOTHER ONE!
1: dare: MALE legolas: carry arrogon AND frodos babies (i've been into a lot of mpreg stories of the late)
2: dare: Morvis: i dare YOU to sleep with sam...because too musch happens to frodo and lego-ass
3: truth: Frodo: are you REALY just the lady in the water?
-rex133668
Aragorn and Frodo: But we don't have babies...
Morvis: Thank God. mpreg? Really? I mean really?
Sam: *Reads dare* Uh... Mr. Morvis?
Morvis: What? *reads dare* NO! HELL NO! Not happening!
H.M. Lee: *reads dare* Why don't you just lose consciousness at the same time as him? It's still sleeping.
Morvis: I'm telling you, this guy is a life saver. *causes Sam and himself to randomly fall asleep*
H.M. Lee: Well, I guess I'll take over for now. Frodo?
Frodo: Define 'lady'.
I feel like torturing Frodo so...
Dare: FRodo, stop being like an assistant and be um...brave! fight with pippin...and the person who wins gets a cookie.
truth: frodo, tell about your past romance history...dates, crushes and junk...xD
and to the rest of the fellowship:
make frodo feel horrid :3
-Epic Adventurer
H.M. Lee: Frodo? Brave? Maybe when cows fly. *ducks as a cow goes hurtling over his head and flattens Frodo*
Pippin: *whistling and dusting off his hands*
H.M. Lee: Or maybe not when cows fly. Here you go. *gives Pippin cookie*
Pippin: *takes the cookie into the room that Sauron and his doughnuts have been in for the last four chapters*
Gandalf: What IS going on in there?
H.M. Lee: Who knows? *revives Frodo and shows him his next dare*
Frodo: Well, when I was seven, I had a crush on Uncle Bilbo, and when I was twelve, I went on a date with Farmer Maggot's wife, and when I was nineteen, I had a crush on Gandalf, and ever since my great quest, I have had crushes on everyone I met during the adventure. Sadly I have had dates with none of them.
H.M. Lee: Oh, the tragedy. Go on.
Frodo: What? That's all of my crushes... *reads the dare again* OH COME ON! I SERIOUSLY HAVE TO TALK ABOUT MY JUNK?!
Morvis: *randomly wakes up* Or lack thereof? And yes, you totally have to tell us.
Frodo: *fuming* When I was eight, I contracted a viral infection and had to have both of my... erm, you know... removed.
Morvis: That explains why the gender swap gun did nothing to you. Disturbing...
Fellowship: *All pull buckets of mud out of who knows where and douse Frodo.*
Frodo: *drowns in mud*
Everyone: Read "Jo Bekke in Suthurn Midle Erth"
Smaug: Smoke Bombidil's weed (you know he has some, but I have no idea why I'm asking Smaug)
-L
Everyone: *reads it and don't care*
Smaug: Fuck this, do you have any idea how much weed that guy has?
H.M. Lee: Come on, you're a dragon, you got this.
Smaug: Fine... *torches Tom Bombadil's weed and inhales all the smoke, then instantly winks out of existence*
Morvis: 0_0
H.M. Lee: 0_0
Morvis and H.M. Lee: 0_0
Sauron: how does it feel that, every since the movies came out, everyone thinks you are the great eye
Gorbag and Shagrat: everyone is, or should be, wondering are you gay?
Pippin: go up to Eowyn and call her a Warg-B*tch (I think that's okay to say on a T-rated story, but I'm blurring it out just to be safe)
Elrond: In the movies you have been going bald for thousands of years, explain
Ungoliant: you ate your self?
Melkor: what do you think about how Sauron Raided your wardrobe
-LOTR 1
Sauron: *pokes head out of the room* Well, I was the Great Eye. But I prefer this form. Now I have two great eyes!
Morvis: -_- Close the door, Sauron. *slaps Sauron with the Bad Joke Eel*
Sauron: Hmph. *closes door and continues... whatever it is he's doing*
Gorbag: No, but our parents were.
Sam: Wait... you guys are brothers?
Shagrat: Well... sort of. Gorbag did mention that our parents were gay.
H.M. Lee: Cool. *kills them with his fedora*
Pippin: *reads dare and gulps* But-
H.M. Lee: No buts! Go on, do it!
Pippin: Eowyn, I'm really sorry I have to do this, but you're a warg-bitch.
Aragorn: *walks in and only hears the last bit* YOU BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU TALK TO MY GIRLFRIEND LIKE THAT! *cuts Pippin in half*
Elrond: *in his awesome Elrond voice* Five thousand years ago, a baby was born. I was that baby. But the baby was bald, an abomination among men and elves. So my father took me to Mount Doom, and there he used all his skill and power to forge a Toupee of Power. Once given to someone it could never be removed. In addition to granting the wearer freedom from the humiliation of baldness, the Toupee also gave the wearer a voice more dramatic and sexy than any in all the lands. And I have faithfully worn the Toupee to this day.
Galadriel: And he never washes it either!
*moment ruined*
Elrond: FOR GOD'S SAKE MOM, WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK ABOUT THAT!
Everyone else: 0_0
Elrond: ...fuck.
Morvis: Let's... let's just move on.
Ungoliant: Shut up. Haven't you ever heard of Pica?
Melkor: Sauron? Dude's my nephew. Gave him the outfit for Christmas on his eighteenth birthday.
My reviews *snickers* ...heh heh heh.
Legolas: Become a dwarf
Frodo: Make out with shelob.
Gandalf: Fight the balrog unarmed.
Pippin & Merry: I like you guys, so I'll go easy. Throw ken dolls at Legolas and sing "It's Raining Men".
Sauron: Fight godzilla
Saruman: Fight Voldemort
Morvis: Boy, do you have a lot.
Dares: Tell Zea you secretly love her. When she hurts you make out with her. Fight all the gods of olympus unarmed (no magic either). Then all the egyptian gods. Dance the cancan while singing "zippity doo da". Make out with Legolas the dwarf.
Truths: Do you like Zea? How about Frodo. Gimli? Sauron? Who DO you like?
Necro Rose: Muahahahahahahahahahaha! Payback for you making Pippin & Merry give a non-smoking speech and starving them. *Murders Morvis with Rainbow's butter sock* OWNAGE! *Disappears before Morvis murders him.
-Hour 13
Legolas: FFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- *turns into a dwarf* -UUUUUUUCCCCKKK!
Frodo: You bitch. *goes and makes out with Shelob then gets poisoned and eaten*
Gandalf: Well, here goes nothing. *goes to Moria and punches the Balrog in the foot*
Balrog: *screams and runs and jumps into the abyss of Khazad-Dum*
Gandalf: Wow! I'm alive! *is incinerated from punching the Balrog's foot*
Sauron: *opens the door to the room just long enough to shoot Godzilla in the face with a MAC cannon* Done. *slams the door*
Morvis: How did he get a MAC cannon? And I'd really like to know what he is doing in there.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we can do- *gets crushed by a meteor*
Morvis: Did he revive himself, cuz I sure didn't.
H.M. Lee: That was me, I just wanted to hear him say that line.
Morvis: Well, now you heard it. SARUMAN! Come and fight, you wuss!
Saruman: *hiding behind Grima, the straightens up* But it's Voldemort.
Morvis: Don't care. FIGHT!
Saruman: *starts conjuring a spell*
Voldemort: *levitates Saruman and throws him through Sauron's door*
Saruman: *gets blasted with the MAC cannon*
Morvis: And Voldemort wins! *teleports him away then reads his dares* Holy shit! What did I ever do to you? Well, here goes... Zea, I secretly love you.
Zea: But if you're telling me, it's not a secret, so you must've been dared to.
Morvis: Correct. If you hurt me I have to make out with you, so...
Zea: Well, in that case, I'm outta here. *portals away*
*Morvis is then surrounded by all the gods from Olympus*
Morvis: *cracks his knuckles* This should be fun. *unleashes his devastating karate amazingness on them until they flee in terror*
*the Egyptian gods had been watching and are also fleeing in terror*
Morvis: Not so fast! *has regained his powers and chases them down and owns them*
Frodo: *takes out a camera* Now you have to dance, pretty boy.
Morvis: *rolls eyes* Fine! *does the dance and the song*
Frodo: *laughs his head off. Literally, thanks to Morvis*
Morvis: Oh, dear God, why?
Legolas: Yeah... what he said.
*they reluctantly make out*
Everyone: *disturbed for life*
Morvis: I don't like anyone at the moment. *gets murdered with the... butter sock, then revives himself* Hmmph. You will regret this, Necro Rose, I promise.
Morvis: Well, Lee, you saved the show today! Thanks for coming!
H.M. Lee: Thanks for having me! This is a great fic, and I'm glad I could help- *gets warped back to the real world*
A/N: OK, did too much happen this chapter, or what? Thank you so much Lee, for sticking with the story this long! I hope I never lose your support!