~ chapter 12 ~

I'm avoiding him. After the previous night's events the last thing I want is to see him and face his accusations. Why does he even care? I liked it much better when he was simply annoyed by me, not really caring why or what I was doing. What changed?

I do not want him to ask questions.

That's why I've been hiding in my room for the half of the day. Now I'm deciding if it is safe to come out. It probably is. He has classes, doesn't he?

Taking a deep breath I walk out of my room, looking around.

He's not here.

I visibly relax.

But...what am I doing? It's not like I can avoid him forever. Sooner or later I will have to face him. And how am I going to explain my absence from class?

Then an idea pops into my head.

Of course. The aftershock of yesterday's attack. No one would blame me.

Just as I am about to make my way to the kitchen I hear a knock on the door.

It's not him. Why would he be knocking?

But then who is it?

Tensing up, I walk over to the doors, biting my lip in the process.

"Who is it?" I call out.

"It's me, Mione."

Ron.

I quickly unlock the doors, opening them.

"Ron? What are you doing here?" I can't hide the shock on my face.

He does not even wait for an invitation, he just walks past me into the room.

"I was worried, why aren't you in class?" he asks.

That catches me a bit off guard. I was not expecting him, or anyone else for that matter.

"I-I just needed to rest...after yesterday," I finally answer.

"Do you need anything? I can stay here if you want."

"Don't you have classes?" I raise an eyebrow at him.

He smiles, "You are more important."

Making my way past him, I laugh, "Even food is more important to you, Ronald."

He follows me into the living room and we sit down. I tense up when he moves closer to me, too close for my liking.

"Does Snape know you are here?" I ask.

"No."

"He is not going to be glad if he finds out."

Annoyance shows on his face, "What? Aren't you allowed to have your friends over? Is he too controlling? Does he order you around? 'Cause if he - "

"Ron, stop it. He is not like that at all."

That does not make him any less angry, "You can tell me if he treats you badly, you know that?"

I take a deep breath, "He would have a problem with my ex-boyfriend visiting me. As would any other normal husband."

That's a lie. Snape's not a normal husband. And the only reason he would be angry to find Ron here is because he dislikes him, it would have nothing to do with jealousy.

"I am here only as a friend," he smiles, "Harry sends me, actually. And Ginny. They're both worried about you. They said you've been acting strange ever since school started."

I quickly stand up, "Would you like something to drink? Tea?"

"Hermione, I'm good. I just want to talk to you."

Talk? Not good.

"I um...I actually have some work I need to do...right now and Snape's going to be back soon and - "

Ron stands up as well, "He's got classes for another couple of hours, calm down."

"What if he comes back sooner?"

"So what if he does? We're not doing anything forbidden."

I remain silent, biting my lower lip. I just want him to go and leave me alone.

"You're still angry at me for...leaving and everything else?" he asks.

Silence.

"I understand if you are."

I sigh, "It was...wrong of you to react the way you did."

"I was shocked," he admits.

I can slowly feel anger growing inside of me, "It's not like you were serious about us. People kept seeing you with different girls, Ron. I know all about that."

"I was stupid!"

"And now you've grown up? In a couple of months you've changed?"

"Yes!"

I force myself to calm down, "Look, Ron, it's better you just leave."

He does not say anything to that and I refuse to look at him. If we keep talking it is going to result in a big fight. I still have issues with him being so popular with girls after the war and he is still angry at me for marrying Snape. It's better we just go our separate ways.

And before I even realize what is happening, he grabs my shoulders and presses his lips to mine.

For a long second I don't even move.

I can't believe what is happening.

And then I push him away with all my strength.

"What the hell are you doing?" I shout at him, "Are you insane?"

"I-I'm sorry, Hermione. I just...I..." he seems confused.

"Leave!" I demand.

He's silent.

"Go!"

Finally he moves, almost running past me and out of the dungeons.

Oh God.

I knew it was a bad idea for him to return to school.

ooo

Tears are running down my face. I can barely breathe, my chest is hurting from sobbing so hard. But I can't stop it. It's a ritual of mine. Once a week I allow myself to cry and let out everything I feel.

I'm going to die.

Is it going to hurt?

Or will it be like falling asleep?

I miss my parents.

I'm afraid.

My whole body is shaking with violent sobs and I realize I need to calm down because it's becoming difficult for me to breathe.

"Granger?"

I freeze.

"Granger?"

I turn around, noticing him standing in the doorway, a shocked expression on his face.

"W-What are you doing here?" I ask, desperately wiping my tears away.

He was not supposed to come back until the late afternoon. That's why I took the privilege of crying in the living room.

He finally speaks, clearing his throat first, "I forgot something."

He does not seem to be able to tear his eyes away from me. I can't blame him. I'm a mess.

What now?

He's caught me. I can't think of anything to say to explain myself.

"Has...something happened?" he asks, standing completely still.

I shake my head.

"Then...what is the matter?"

I shake my head again.

"Granger."

Silence.

Finally I speak, "I was just...sad."

"Sad?"

I nod.

"You were drowning yourself in your tears."

"I'm sorry - "

"Do not apologize to me," he interrupts me.

I tense up, "It won't happen again."

He is looking at me strangely. He wants answers from me.

"Your behavior is not normal," he comments, eyeing me carefully.

I am not normal.

"You're not my Doctor," I snap at him.

His eyes widen in surprise.

Why did I say that? What was I thinking?

"I-It won't happen again," I quickly say before he has a chance to reply and almost run to the comfort of my room.

ooo

I look around the Hospital Wing, making sure no one is listening.

Then I lean over to Madam Pomfrey, "What did you say?"

The medi-witch seems uncomfortable, "He has been asking about you."

"When?"

"This morning."

I tense up, "Why?"

She gives me a hard look, "That is something you should know, girl."

I know Madam Pomfrey is against me hiding my disease from Snape, but she is not allowed to tell him anything. That is probably the reason behind her snappy remarks at me.

"What exactly was he asking about me?" I whisper.

"Your health, if you have any problems, the real reason why you fainted a couple of days ago," she quickly answers.

"The real reason?" I repeat.

She nods, "He does not believe it was because you were tired. He is decided to find out what is wrong with you and I guarantee you he will find out."

I grit my teeth together, "He won't. I won't let him."

Madam raises her eyebrow at me, "Well, good luck with that. Now off you go, I've got lots of work."

"Wait!" I stop her, "What did you say to him?"

Silence.

Fear starts to build inside of me, "What did you tell him?"

Finally she looks at me, "Nothing. I lied to him. Just as you asked me to."

I relax a bit, "Thank you."

She says nothing, just hurries away.

ooo

I spent the rest of the day in the library, pretending to read. The truth was I had too many things on my mind to concentrate on the words.

Why is Snape losing his time and trying to gather information about me? Is it because he is a controlling person and can't handle the fact that I'm hiding something from him? He is not letting the issue go, even if it's none of his bussiness.

And then Ron. I don't think I ever want to see him again. What was he thinking kissing me like that? Why is he complicating things? Even though there is nothing between Snape and I, we are still married and Ron should respect that.

And the Death Eaters. What happened yesterday could happen anytime I decide to visit the Diagon Alley. What now? Am I supposed to spend the rest of my life in the dungeons? I don't want that. I won't do that.

It's already dark outside when I finally decide it's time to return to the dungeons and get into bed. Sneaking around has never been something I was any good at. I try to make as little noise as possible as I enter the dungeons, making my way through the dark living room. Why is it dark, anyway? He's probably not home yet.

Just as that thought crosses my mind, the lights turn on.

"It's late, don't you think?"

A gasp escapes me and I turn to face him.

I need a few moments to regain my breath.

He simply raises his eyebrow, waiting for me to calm down.

"What...what are you doing?" I ask.

"I am waiting for you."

"Why?"

"I wish to talk to you."

I move towards my bedroom, "I-I just want to go to sleep."

"Please."

Please?

He said please?

That is not something he does on many occasions. And that is exactly why it catches my attention.

"What do you want to talk about?" I ask.

"Can we continue this in the kitchen?"

A sigh of defeat escapes me, "Fine."

I walk over to him and he moves aside so I can enter the kitchen. I quickly sit down, waiting for him.

He's moving very slowly, it seems as if every move is planned and that makes me nervous. Does he have something up his sleeve?

He turns to face me, not sitting down, "I would like to discuss yesterday's events."

I tense up, "There is nothing to discuss. You misunderstood everything."

"Did I?"

"Yes, you did."

He nods, pouring himself a cup of tea, "Would you like some?"

I shake my head, "No, thank you."

"Are you sure? The conversation is going to take a while."

"Fine," I snap.

Silence.

He hands me the tea, never taking his eyes off of me. I mutter a quick thank-you.

Silence again.

I want this conversation to be over as soon as possible, so I look at him, "What do you want to know?"

The words make their way out of his mouth very slowly, "Why are you hurting yourself?"

I roll my eyes, "I'm not hurting myself."

"Then how did you get those cuts on your arm?"

Well, he's jumping right in, isn't he?

"I cut myself in the...kitchen."

"You do not cook."

"How would you know?"

He sighs, clearly annoyed, "That cut was on the inside of your wrist. Be honest, Miss Granger."

I start to shake, taking the cup of tea in my hand and bringing it to my mouth. I try to think of an answer as the hot liquid runs down my throat.

"Well?" he asks, looking at me strangely now.

I place the cup back on the table.

"Why did you cut your wrist?"

"Because I needed to do something to...release the pressure otherwise I'd go mad."

My eyes open is shock. What did I just say?

"Why would you go mad?"

"Because I'm a horrible person, lying to everyone and pretending and I'm so alone and afraid and - " I cover my mouth with my hand, standing up so fast I accidentally push the chair to the floor.

Snape stands up as well, but he is calm, "What are you lying about?"

I bite down hard onto my tongue, tasting the blood in my mouth.

He asks another question, "Why did you marry me?"

I shake my head, trying desperately to remain silent.

"Answer me," he demands, "Why did you marry me?"

I panic, smacking the cup of tea in front of me, causing it to spill all over the table.

And then I run.

I run to the safety of my room where there is no one to hear my dark secrets.

ooo

It's very early in the morning when I finally decide to leave my room.

But what I did not expect was to find him in front of my doors.

My eyes go wide in surprise and I try to shut the doors in his face, but he prevents it, keeping them open with his left hand.

"We need to talk," he says.

I'm silent, almost too afraid to speak. I'm pressing my lips together, not allowing words to escape.

"You can talk. The effects have worn off by now," Snape explains, slowly lowering his hand and moving away from the doors.

I slowly nod, then anger takes over me, "You drugged me."

"You could hardly call it - "

"You put Veritaserum into my tea! That's illegal!"

He raises a brow, "And what are you going to do? Report me?"

I send him a furious glare, "I should."

"Well good luck explaining to them why have we been using a contraceptive potion."

Is he blackmailing me?

"Bastard," I whisper and he tenses up.

"There are other methods I could have used. Legilimency."

"Why haven't you?"

"Because," he responds, "I do not want to know everything. I only wish to get an honest answer to a few of my questions."

I remain silent.

He shouldn't have done that. No matter how he tries to justify it, it's still wrong.

A short laugh escapes me, "Why do you think you have the right to demand such answers?"

"I am your husband."

"Oh, now you're my husband."

"Granger."

"And what about you? There are lots of things I do not know about you. Where do you go late at night? Do you have...lovers? Are you cheating? There are many things I'd like to know about you and yet I refrained myself from spicing your morning tea."

He looks ashamed now. But only for a moment.

"Even if I do not have a right as your husband, I do have a right as your teacher to know what is wrong with you."

"Nothing is wrong with me."

Suddenly he approaches me, grabbing my hand and pushing up my sleeve. I struggle against him, but it's pointless.

"Explain this scar and - " he orders, but then stops mid sentence.

I look down at my arm and realize what he's looking at.

There's a huge purple bruise.

Oh god. Not this as well.

"Where did you get that from?" he asks, his voice low.

I try to pull my arm away from him, but he is not letting go.

"Granger, this is your last chance to -"

"From the attack," I quickly force out, "I was attacked two days ago if you've forgotten."

He seems to believe me because he lets go of my arm and I stumble back, clearing my throat awkwardly.

"Just leave me alone," my voice sounds weak, "I don't ask things about you, I don't demand to know everything about you so why can't you do the same?"

After a long moment he nods, "My apologies."

Before I have a chance to reply he leaves.

Is this it?

Is he going to leave me alone from now on?

ooo

It's awkward seeing Ron again.

I can't even look at him. So I keep my head down, taking small bites of the toast in front of me.

"How come you've decided to have breakfast in the Great Hall?" Ginny asks, surprise in her voice.

"I-I just missed you guys," I answer. It's not a lie. I do miss them. But the real reason is I did not want to be alone with Snape.

Harry moves closer, "Is everything alright? With you and...Snape, I mean?"

I nod, still not looking up from my plate.

I can feel Ron's eyes on me and it annoys me to no end. This, us hanging out together, is not going to work. I just need to put a stop to it before something bad happens.

"Uh, Hermione?" Ginny whispers, "He keeps looking at us."

"Who?"

"Snape."

I raise my head, looking over at the table where the staff is sitting and he really is looking at me. Directly into my eyes. What does he want now?

"Mione," Ron starts, interrupting my thoughts, "I was wondering if you could help me with the homework we had - "

"No," I cut him off, "I will not help you. You could try and do your own homework for once."

Both Harry and Ginny lean away from me as if afraid I might do something to them.

Ron does not know what to say, it's obvious he did not expect my outburst.

To be honest, neither did I.

What is wrong with me?

I can't stand the questions in their eyes, the surprise and shock and worry on their faces. Letting out an angry sigh, I stand up and make my way out of the Great Hall.

ooo

I empty my stomach into the toilet and when I'm sure there is nothing left inside of me, I move away, leaning on the wall.

Funny.

These past couple of days I felt good. I almost forgot that I'm sick.

I guess my body will never let me forget.

ooo

I could get used to this. Having classes in the morning, then spending the rest of my day at home, enjoying the silence and...Firewhiskey. Am I turning into an alcoholic? A laugh escapes me at that ridiculous thought.

I have a right to drink if I want to. No one would judge me if they knew what I have to go through every day.

I lay down onto the sofa, closing my eyes for just moment.

Snape did not hide the Firewhiskey like he said he would. He probably did not expect me to get drunk again. Well, his mistake.

I realize how I am going to feel like in a couple of hours, but at the moment I feel good, relaxed and almost happy. There are no worries on my mind and I'm thankful for that. Alcohol really does have a few useful qualities.

I laugh again.

And then I hear him. Footsteps.

I sit up, trying to look serious.

He walks into the room, barely acknowledging me, "Why is it so dark in here?"

Silence.

He takes off his long cloak, then stops and looks at me, "Granger?"

"I-I just felt like..."

"Sitting in the dark?" he finishes the sentence for me.

"Something like that, yes."

I can feel the change in his attitude.

Slowly, he walks over to me, "Granger. Have you been drinking?"

I nod, a smile on my face.

"What is the matter with you?" he hisses, pulling out his wand and waving it at the bottle of Firewhiskey, making it disappear.

"I'm of age, just so...just so you know."

"Yes, and getting drunk is very mature," his voice is dripping with sarcasm, "I expected much more from you."

That gets to me. Everyone is expecting something from me. I always have to be the best at everything and I just can't do it anymore.

"Where were you?" I snap at him, "Out with one of your whores?"

I have never used language like this before.

It's dark, but I can still see the anger in his eyes.

"You will go to your room, now," he orders.

"No," I reply, raising my eyebrows at him.

"Yes."

"Make me."

He grits his teeth together, obviously annoyed.

"This is like dealing with a child," he growls.

"I'm not a child!"

"Then stop acting like one."

"I...I'm not," it does not sound really convincing.

Am I acting childish?

Suddenly I feel the need to prove him wrong.

"I'm not a child."

He sneers at me.

"I'm not!" I try again, "I-I've kissed."

"Yes, I would know that," he almost rolls his eyes.

"Not you. Ron."

He freezes, but then relaxes slightly, "What you did with him in the past does not concern me."

"No, no. Not in the past. Yesterday."

Silence.

"What did you say?" he finally speaks.

"He came here and we talked and he kissed me. We kissed."

He does not say anything to that.

Nothing.

"Come," he offers me his hands, "I will help you to your room."

"I don't need your help," I bark at him, standing up.

Why is he always so calm? I want him to show a bit of emotion, anger, frustration, anything. But he's always so cold and indifferent.

He smells nice. Herbs and -

Wait. What am I thinking?

He is just standing there, no reaction at all.

"Ron kissed me," I say again, desperately wanting him to show he feels something.

"Go to your room."

Before I realize what I'm doing, I grab his robes, raise myself on my toes and press my lips to his. It all happens in less than a second. It's like my touch burns him. Immediately he pushes me away and I trip over something, falling to the floor. I laugh, realizing how absurd this situation is. And then everything goes black.

A/N: Sorry. That's all I can say. Life got in the way. But I will never abandon this story, so no need to worry. Thank you for reading. ;)