~ chapter 13 ~

Ouch.

My head hurts.

I think I have a bump. When did that happen?

Groaning, I slowly pull myself up, realizing I'm not in my pajamas. Why didn't I change?

I try to remember the previous day, but it's all blurred. Like trying to remember a dream.

My memory is cloudy.

But one things is certain. My room stinks of alcohol. Actually, I stink of alcohol.

Good job, Hermione.

I take a deep breath, trying hard to bring back the memories of last night. What did I do? More importantly, what did I say?

And then I notice a folded piece of paper on my nightstand. For some strange reason it makes me nervous. I reach for it, unfolding it and then I recognize his writing. Elegant and perfect.

There are some matters that I need to attend to.

We will talk when I return.

S.S.

We will talk? About what? And why?

I look at the window and notice it's snowing outside. A smile forms on my lips and I slowly get up from the bed, ignoring the dizzy feeling in my head.

It's beautiful. Everything is covered in snow. There are students outside. I can see them laughing, playing. And then I remember.

What time is it? I have classes!

I'm probably late already! Everyone is going to ask questions. Again.

Rolling my eyes, I quickly make my way to the bathroom.

ooo

I walk down the hallway, not wanting to miss Transfiguration.

I've missed Potions already and that's enough for the day. Why did he not wake me up?

"Hermione, wait up!" I hear Harry's voice and I stop walking, trying to see him through the crowd. Finally he reaches me, his face worried.

"Where were you?" he asks.

"I-I overslept," I quickly answer, noticing Ron standing a few feet away. He looks at me, then quickly disappears into the crowd.

"What's wrong with Ron?" the question makes its way out of my mouth.

"You should've been there."

"Where?"

"Potions," he answers and we continue walking towards out next class.

Harry continues, "Snape kept picking on him, asking him all these questions, making fun of him. I thought Ron was going to lose it."

I tense up. I knew there would be problems with Ron being back and all, but why would Snape be so childish towards him?

Unless...I told him about...that little incident? Was I really so dumb? Did I tell him Ron kissed me?

Oh God.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I really can't even recognize myself anymore. Getting drunk. Doing stupid things. Snapping at my friends.

I'm quiet for the rest of the day. Not speaking to anyone, just trying to get through the next minute and the next, anxiously awaiting that conversation with Snape.

ooo

"That is not an option."

A sigh of relief escapes me, "So you...don't want to have...children?"

"Absolutely not."

Well, that is good to hear. I was worried he might want to...not actually want to, but...perhaps not be brave enough to defy the Ministry's commands. Any kind of a manipulation is punished and he knows that.

"So...how are we going to do it?" I ask, taking a deep breath, "Muggle contraceptives are out of question. They are easily detectable."

"I have been thinking about that. There is a potion."

I raise my eyebrows, waiting for him to continue.

"It is still in progress but it will be finished in a couple of days. Then we can...test it."

He seems very uncomfortable. He's not even looking at me. What is so interesting about the floor?

"Yes, I hope it'll work," I comment quietly, "I really don't want...kids."

"We agree on that."

"But won't it be suspicious?"

"They will find no evidence."

"But still - "

"A simple explanation will be presented to them."

"Yes?"

He nods, "It simply was not meant to be."

"It wasn't meant to be...meaning, I'm sick or there's something wrong with me in that department or...there is something wrong with you."

He tenses up, "That would be more believable. You are young. The chances are that there is something...the matter with me."

Well, this is awkward. I'm discussing fertility with Professor Snape.

I clear my throat, trying to sound relaxed, "And how much time do we have before they start asking questions?"

"I believe a year."

"A year," I repeat, "And what if the potion does not work?"

He gives me a look. A look that says 'Do you know who you are talking to? I'm a Potions Master, of course it will work'.

"I can happen," I add, "We need a plan B."

He sighs, "There are...other things we could do. Natural things. We...I could..." he is really tense now.

I wait for him to explain, but he simply shakes his head in disapproval, "Hasn't anyone explained...these things to you?"

"Not really," I answer, looking down, "I-I have read about it, but - "

"Read up on the subject. Educate yourself. I will not be the one explaining it to you."

That's funny. He's the only one who is suitable for the job. He is, after all, the one who I have to sleep with.

I slowly look up at him, noticing he seems really uncomfortable. He basically just suggested to me to read up on sex. Do we have books about that at Hogwarts?

Silence.

Well...is this the end?

"I should go...check up on that potion," he says and before I have a chance to reply, he walks away.

ooo

I stand in the crowded hallway, leaning against the wall and thinking. All these students. They have all their life in front of them. They can become whoever they want to. They can travel. And work. And hang out with their friends. And have children. And they don't even realize it. All they worry about are stupid, pointless things like clothes and hair and dating.

"Miss Granger."

I flinch at the voice.

He's standing next to me. How does he do that?

"S-Sir?" I turn to him, noticing the grave expression on his face.

"Follow me," he says and without waiting for a response, he turns and starts walking.

I roll my eyes, but decide to obey.

ooo

We're in an empty Potions classroom.

I lean against a desk, looking around nervously and waiting for him to start. Does he want to talk about last night? What did happen last night? Did I do something embarrassing?

"Sir," I say, "I think I should apologize. I-I don't really know what happened last night, but..."

He cuts me off, crossing his arms over his chest, "Last night I learned that besides all the other problems, you also have a drinking problem."

A short laugh escapes me, "I do not have a drinking problem."

"Is that so?"

"That's just ridiculous."

He is eyeing me carefully, thinking about his next words.

"What...what happened?" I force myself to ask, "What did I do?"

Silence.

"Sir?" I try again, "What did I do?"

"I visited your parents."

My heart stops. I can't even form words.

"This morning. I visited them," he says.

"Y-You...they...why?"

He ignores my question, "They do not know anyone named Hermione. They do not have children."

I'm shaking by now, "You already knew that. You knew I Obliviated them."

"I had to see it on my own."

"Why?" I demand, taking a step closer, "What gives you the right?"

"You are hiding something from me. And as your husband, I have a right to know. Whatever you are hiding, it is affecting you. It is affecting me."

"It does not concern you!"

"Why did you marry me? Me of all people? Why did you Obliviate your parents? Why are you cutting yourself? Why are you passing out?"

I shake my head, trying to ignore him.

But he continues, his voice accusative and angry, "Secrets, Miss Granger. I do not like them. Especially when they involve me."

My eyes are watering now and I blink a few times, trying to get rid of the tears.

"What did you parents do to deserve what you did to them?" he asks, slowly approaching me, "Did you found out about your cutting habits?"

"I-I can't listen to this!"

"You can and you will."

I look at him, my eyes full of anger, "Do not tell me what to do."

"Do you realize I could use Legilimency on you? Believe me, you would not stand a chance against me. It would only take a moment and I would know everything about you."

"Then why don't you do it?"

"Because I am trying to respect your privacy. I am giving you an option to tell me yourself. Don't you see I am trying to do the right thing, you daft girl?"

"And snooping around my house and harassing my parents is respecting my privacy?" I raise my voice, "Using Veritaserum on me is respecting my privacy?"

He remains silent.

"We are finished here." I say to him.

I turn around, but he grabs my arm, forcing me to face him, "I have done many things I am not proud of, believe me, but I will not apologize for trying to discover what you are hiding."

"I know, killing, torturing. You've done a lot of horrible things," I am trying to hurt him, to make him leave me alone.

Anger shows in his eyes, "Tonight this ends. Either you tell me or I will find out on my own. Do you understand that?"

"Let go of me!" I pull out of his grip and suddenly break into tears.

His expression softens only a bit, he's surprised by my reaction. Even I am surprised. Why can't I remain calm and emotionless?

I just want to escape from him.

Quickly turning around, I run out of the classroom. He's following me, I can hear his footsteps.

It's time for dinner and the hallway is full of students making their way to the Great Hall.

I don't know what I'm doing, I just know I have to get away from them all, away from him. He's still behind me, calling my name. Where can I go? Where would I be alone?

Outside.

I start running faster.

ooo

It's cold.

That's the first thing that comes to my mind when I step outside.

And everything is covered in snow.

It's almost dark and there is not a single soul anywhere around me.

Such silence.

It feels good.

"Miss Granger!"

No.

I don't know where I'm going, but my legs are moving on their own.

"Granger, where do you think you are going?" he raises his voice, following me.

"Away."

"You are not going to get far and students are not allowed outside - "

"I don't care!"

My shoes are completely soaked and I'm shivering, but I'm still walking.

Where am I going?

"Granger!"

I stop and turn to look at him. He's a bit breathless and I can tell he is not enjoying walking through all the snow.

"Do you realize what you are doing?" he asks, "Your behavior is making me even more determined to find out what you are hiding."

I cry out, "Why can't you just leave me alone?"

He moves closer to me, "Because you married me. You wanted me and now you have me."

"That was obviously a big mistake."

"Obviously."

I hug myself with my arms, trying to get warm.

"Come, lets go inside," he suggests, "We can talk there."

I quickly shake my head, "No, I don't want to talk!"

My whole body is shaking, but I'm determined to stay outside.

He takes a deep breath, "What do you think you are going to achieve with this? The only thing you are going to get is a cold."

"Perhaps I'd die faster that way," I whisper quietly.

"What was that?" he approaches me.

I remain silent.

He grabs my arm, "Granger, we should return."

I try to free myself from him, but I slip and I land in the snow.

How pathetic.

I can't even do one thing right?

I can feel the cold through my clothes.

What did I do to deserve this?

I thought my life is going to be something special. I fought in the War. I was a heroine. I'm smart. I had dreams. I had parents. I had friends.

And now it's all gone.

Why is life so unfair?

There is a hand on my shoulder.

I don't push it away.

It feels comforting.

Slowly, I look up at the person above me.

My husband.

My husband.

My Professor.

And he is not going to give up. He demands answers and he will keep demanding them.

"Granger, come."

He wants me to get up, but...I can't.

My face is wet. Am I crying? Again? Pathetic.

"I'm sick," I quietly say, my voice so weak I barely recognize it.

"Excuse me?"

Clearing my throat, I try again, "I'm sick. I have only a few months left to live."

Silence.

Such horrible silence.

I'm afraid to look up at him. I'm afraid of what I'll see on his face.

Why does he not say something?

My eyes are burning and I'm cold. I'm so cold.

Minutes pass in silence.

For a moment I wonder if he even heard me. Did I even say anything? Is it possible it was only in my head?

"Come," he says, offering me his hand.

I stare at it for a couple of seconds, but then I take it and he helps me stand up.

Silence again.

He has warm hands.

Slowly we start walking back to entrance.

ooo

I'm sitting on my bed, staring off into distance.

We haven't spoken a word on our way to the dungeons. He led me to my room and then he left.

Perhaps he won't come back?

Just as that thought forms in my head, he comes back, walking into my room then stopping, looking down at me.

"You should change your clothes."

I know I should. My robes are completely wet, sticking to my skin.

"Aren't you going to ask me anything?" I whisper.

"Ask you what?"

"About what is the matter with me?"

He sighs, "What is the matter with you?"

Silence.

Finally I speak, "Leukemia."

His face grows pale, but that is the only thing that changes. I expected more.

Perhaps...

"Do you know what leukemia is?" I ask.

"I know," he replies, "I did live in the Muggle world."

I nod, looking down at my hands.

After a long minute he sits down next to me, clearing his throat, "Tell me everything."

Alright.

I take a deep breath and then I start talking.

I tell him how I was not feeling well. And how my parents took me to see a Doctor. I tell him about the day I found out I have Leukemia. I tell him about the therapy. I tell him how I started losing my hair and how my condition did not improve. I tell him how I decided to give up and Obliviate my parents.

I tell him everything. Almost everything.

And he remains silent, listening, not once interrupting.

And then I finish. There is nothing more to say.

Silence.

"That clause in the Marriage Law," he starts.

I meet his eyes.

He continues, slowly, "It is you. Not me."

I nod.

"And the bruises? The cuts?"

My voice breaks a bit, "The bruises are a result of the illness. And the cuts are..."

"Made by you."

"I'm not cutting myself regularly...it just happened."

Silence.

I'm preparing myself for questions.

Pity.

Anger.

Shock.

But then he simply stands up, "You should really change into something dry and warm."

I open my mouth to speak, but he cuts me off, "It's late. And I need to think. Good night."

What?

He leaves, closing the doors behind him.

Is this it?

That was the reaction I was afraid of?

A/N: Finally the secret's out! But it's not exactly how Hermione imagined it would be. Thank you for reading. ;)