~ chapter 17 ~

"Could you...pass the, um...newspaper, please?" I ask quietly.

He nods, reaching over the table, handing it to me.

"Thank you," I mutter, quickly opening the paper and hiding myself behind it.

We usually don't have breakfast together and I don't even know how it came to this, but here we are, sitting together, awkwardly, in silence.

Actually, I do know how it happened.

We are both too proud for our own good. It's Sunday and I walked down to the kitchen, expecting it to be empty as usually. But there he was, sitting at the table and drinking tea. He looked up at me and what was I to do? Turn around and walk away? I couldn't do that. He doesn't have that kind of a power over me.

And he didn't leave either.

So...

Here we are.

I avoid looking at him.

I kissed him.

While I was drunk.

Ugh.

I will never come anywhere near alcohol again. Ever.

I take a sip of orange juice and clear my throat, pretending to read the Daily Prophet.

Why doesn't he just leave already? He's not even eating anything, he's just sitting there.

"What are your plans for today?"

And now he's talking to me.

If he can do it, then I can do it too.

I look up at him, trying to sound normal, "Nothing much. I'll go for a walk maybe or...read a book. Or two."

He smirks.

"And you?" I ask back. It's polite to do so.

"I will be in my lab."

"Oh," I reply, "Why?"

"Excuse me?"

"What will you be doing there?"

He seems surprised by my interest, "Testing new potions, grading papers."

"Grading papers? You usually do that in your study."

He narrows his eyes, "What is this, Granger? What is it that you actually want to know?"

Silence.

Then I stand up, "We should get cereal. I want cereal."

"You...what?"

"Cereal, you know. Breakfast cereal. They don't have it at Hogwarts and I want it."

"I know what cereal is. Why are you changing the subject?"

"I'm not."

"You are."

"What abnormalities?" I suddenly ask, "Why won't you tell me?"

He tenses up, "Granger, it is nothing serious. I am still working on it."

"It's my body and I have the right to know."

"I would tell you if I knew, but I do not. Not yet."

I bite my tongue in anger and then simply nod. I stand there for a few moments, then awkwardly leave the kitchen.

ooo

Knock knock.

I hear nothing.

So I knock again, this time a bit stronger.

"Come in," I hear the annoyed voice from the other side.

I push the door open and force myself to enter.

It's his study and even though we are married and these rooms are our rooms, I don't feel comfortable just walking in.

He's sitting on the armchair, reading a book.

He glances up at me, but then continues reading.

I wait there in silence.

This was a mistake. What am I even doing here?

"Is there something you want, Miss Granger?" he asks, not even looking up at me.

I find it funny how he still calls me Miss Granger. But I don't correct him. It feels...safe being called that. Perhaps I'm not ready to face the fact that I am not Miss Granger anymore. It's only been a few weeks after all.

"Yes," I start, "I-I wanted to...to borrow a book."

Yes, I wanted to borrow a book. That sounds believable.

He only points at the bookcase behind him, not saying anything. He probably wants me to leave him alone as soon as possible.

I nod, quickly walking past him and to the bookcase, taking a long moment to look at all the books. This is better than the library.

Well, one of the advantages of being married to a teacher is having the access to lots of books you can't find in the library.

"Granger?" his voice cuts through the silence, "You are not here because of a book."

This time he turns around to look at me and I blush, nervously nodding my head, "Of course I am. I-I wanted..."

My eyes scan the books and I quickly pull one out, "I wanted this one," then I read the title on the front page, "The history and torture methods used by Death Eaters."

What?

He tenses up, "I don't think you should be reading that."

"Why not?" I get a bit defensive.

He stands up, "That book is not available to other students and I think the same should apply to you."

"Sir, please. I've survived the War, I've seen things. What damage could one book do?"

He takes it from my hand gently, "Still, I would rather you use the school's library from now on."

That angers me a bit, but I bite my tongue before I could say anything.

Then I actually take a look at him. He's not wearing his usual teaching robes, he seems a bit more relaxed and his neck is not covered. And then I see it. The scar. From Nagini's attack. It's large and for some reason I can't stop staring at it.

He notices that and quickly turns around, clearing his throat, "You should go now."

But I don't move.

"Granger."

"Did it hurt?" I ask, then let out a nervous laugh, "Stupid question, of course it hurt. But...how much?"

Silence.

"Sir?"

Finally he speaks, "It hurt."

I can still see it in my mind.

All the blood.

Gushing from his neck, wetting his robes.

The pain on his face.

His eyes, the look in them. He knew it was the end for him. I could just see it. He was positive he was going to die.

Only he didn't.

Because of me.

"Granger," he snaps me out of my thoughts.

I approach him, "I..I have scars too."

Silence.

"Some are from my childhood. I kept falling down...a lot."

No response from him.

I move closer to him, "And some are from the War. I have..." I pull my sleeve up, "This."

A few seconds pass and then he finally turns to face me, his eyes traveling from my eyes down to my arm.

There it it.

The scars.

Mudblood.

He tenses up, but says nothing.

"Bellatrix, she...when I was captured and taken to the Malfoy Manor," I explain, "The wound has healed, but the scars won't go away. Madam Pomfrey has tried everything, but I guess it's some kind of a dark magic. It...won't go away. Ever."

He seems hypnotised and then he finally speaks, "How come I have never noticed it before?"

"Oh, I use a charm to hide it. Most of the time," I admit.

Then I become strangely uncomfortable and I quickly pull the sleeve back down, hiding the arm behind my back.

"I should go," I whisper and he nods.

Quickly making my way out of the room, I can't get rid of that feeling.

Warm feeling.

It felt nice just talking to him.

ooo

"Ahh, fresh air!" I sigh as Ginny and I step out from the castle.

Even though I love reading, spending the whole day behind books did not seem so interesting. So I invited Ginny for a walk. I could use some company.

"It's cold!" Ginny groans, pulling the coat tighter around her body.

I laugh, "Yes, this is a little thing we like to call winter."

"Ugh, I don't like the snow and the cold. Why can't we just go back inside?"

I grab her arm and force her to start walking, "No, you'll get warmer, you'll see."

She makes an annoyed face, but doesn't protest.

"So," she starts, "What happened with you and Ron?"

I tense up, "What did you hear?"

"Nothing, but I know something happened."

"He...he barged into the dungeons, accusing Snape of...things. He just made a big scene for nothing."

Ginny rolls her eyes, "What is wrong with him? He'll get kicked out of this school. I'll talk to mum and dad about his behavior."

"No, Ginny - "

"Yes. Whether he likes it or not, Professor Snape is a teacher at this school. And Ron has to learn respect. Even though..."

"Even though what?"

"Even though that teacher is married to the girl he likes."

I shake my head, "Don't start with that. We were together, but it didn't work out. Do I have to remind you that Ron was the one who started seeing other girls?"

"No, you don't have to. I know my brother and I know he got carried away...all the fame and the attention..."

I roll my eyes, "I didn't get carried away. Neither did Harry."

Ginny smiles, "Alright, lets change the subject."

Nodding, I wait in silence.

"Did Harry tell you about those two Death Eaters? They are waiting for trial and we both might have to testify against them," Ginny explains.

"I hope not. I never want to see their faces again."

Ginny pulls my arm, "I've never really thanked you for saving my life that afternoon."

"I didn't save your life. It was team work."

"Oh come on. If it weren't for you, I'd...be dead. So thank you."

I smile, not really knowing what to say. Here I am, with this dear friend of mine and I can't bring myself to tell her the truth. I can't confide in her. I can't.

What is the matter with me? I am just a horrible person?

ooo

I have just returned from the walk. It's starting to get dark outside. I am just about to walk to the kitchen to find myself something to eat when I see Snape in the living room.

Just sitting in silence.

"Hi," I say, a bit surprised.

He stands up, looking at me strangely.

"What?" I ask, alarmed.

I know that look. I have seen it before. It's the look a person has before telling some bad news.

"What happened?" I ask again.

"Perhaps you should sit down."

"No. Tell me."

He seems sceptical, but finally nods, "Test results."

"My blood?"

"Yes. The results are...not so good."

I relax, "I already know that. I'm dying, I have no false hope of magically surviving."

But why is he still serious?

I know that I am dying.

"Miss Granger," he starts, "According to the information you have provided me with, when you were diagnosed, how long you were treated, etc., I expected..."

"What?"

He is starting to worry me.

"What, am I pregnant?" I joke, then my face turns serious, "Oh God, am I pregnant?"

He seems disturbed by that thought, "No. That is not it."

I relax, "Then what is it?"

"You said you still have a year or so, is that correct?" he asks.

"Yes, that is what my doctor told me."

Silence.

"What?" I ask.

Nothing.

"What is it?" I demand again.

"There is an increase of white blood cells."

"I already know that."

His voice is gentle, "Hermione."

Hermione?

Since when does he call me Hermione?

Slowly, he continues, "If the white cells continue this rapid growth...you would have two months, perhaps three months of life."

I gulp.

All air is pushed from my lungs.

No.

This is wrong.

"These were the abnormalities I mentioned a couple of days ago. I have been checking your blood in the past week and the change is not normal," Snape speaks slowly, his voice even, "I am not a Healer, but I have some basic knowledge and - "

"No," I cut him off.

"No?"

I shake my head, "No. You are wrong. I-I mean, I know I don't have much time left, but two or three months? That's just too...too fast."

"We could try slowing down the growth, but that would mean trying new potions and - "

"You are wrong. I still have a year," my voice is shaking now, "In fact, I-I've been feeling good in the last couple of days. No vomiting or sickness and I'm good. I-I'm good."

"The results - "

"I don't care about some stupid results!" I scream.

He opens his mouth to speak, but closes them again.

And then I see it again. The pity in his eyes. I hate it.

My vision is blurred and I know tears are forming in my eyes.

"D-Does that mean I won't be able to see another winter? And...I won't even make it to the summer?" the reality hits me and I have trouble breathing, "I-I won't see the hot sunny days? I-I won't ..."

"Granger, there are still ways to help you."

"But not heal me. Only help me. Help me live a bit longer. Dying a bit longer."

No.

I can't take this.

I run past him.

I can hear him following me, but I don't care. I run into my room, into my bathroom, closing and locking the doors behind me.

Then I look at myself in the mirror.

I'm angry.

Furious.

Why can't I be healthy?

What does Ginny have that I don't? What does Harry have? Or Ron? Or Luna?

I've always been a good girl, I've always lived by the rules, almost always, and what do I get in return?

A disease.

My blood.

Not thinking, I search the bathroom, going through drawers until I find it.

A small razor.

Lets see what my sick blood looks like.

"Granger, do come out," Snape's voice comes from the other side of the door, "We should talk about this."

"Leave," I hiss back at him, "I wish to be alone."

And then I quickly make a cut on my left arm.

I let out a pained groan.

It hurt, but there is no blood.

I try again, deeper this time. And finally, the blood shows.

I simply stare at it. It's dripping down my arm and onto the floor.

It's red.

I don't see those harmful white blood cells everyone is talking about.

"Granger!"

Silence.

"Open the door."

Nothing.

I don't want to cry. It's useless and pathetic. I'm a big girl now.

But tears are just rolling down my cheeks and I brush them away furiously, but they keep coming as if making fun of me.

Suddenly I hear the doors unlock and I look around, but realize I have nowhere to hide, so I just turn away.

The doors open and I hear his footsteps.

"You are alright," he says, sounding a bit relieved.

What did he think I was going to do to myself?

Stop crying.

I can't face him looking like this.

"What..." he starts, probably noticing the razor and the blood.

Grabbing my arm, he forces me to turn around. I refuse to look at him, so I just stare at the floor, but that makes the tears easier to roll down my cheeks. I look up at the ceiling, trying to pull myself together.

"What have you done?" he asks.

Silence.

He speaks again, "Why?"

I do not answer.

"You said you do not hurt yourself," he says, "How am I supposed to believe you after this?"

"I don't - " my voice breaks and I can't speak.

"Come," he tries to lead me out of the bathroom, but I shake my head.

"I don't want to die."

There.

I said it.

I've been pretending for so long.

That I'm alright.

That I've come to terms with it.

But the truth is, I don't want to die.

"I don't want to die, Sir, I don't want to die. I...don't..." I'm crying by now and I hate myself because of it.

I can't even stand up anymore. I'm so tired.

But before I could crumble to the floor, Snape grabs me, "Lets return to the living room."

He's warm.

And he smells nice.

I press myself against him, closing my eyes.

He tenses up, I can feel it.

But he says nothing to stop me.

Slowly we walk out of the bathroom.

ooo

I'm sitting on the sofa, while he's on the table before me, cleaning the cut on my arm.

We are both silent.

I have calmed down a bit. Perhaps there was something in the tea he made me?

I'm sleepy.

I like observing him while he's working. He always seems so concentrated and serious.

He looks up at me and our eyes meet for a brief second before I quickly look away.

"All done," he says, letting go of my arm.

It's bandaged.

I stare at it for a few long moments.

"Why not tell your friends?" he suddenly asks.

"W-What?"

"You could use their support."

I shake my head, "No."

"Why not?"

I think for a moment, "They...Harry would understand, but Ginny... I would have ti explain it to her, the disease and everything. And Ron..."

Silence.

Then I take a deep breath, "I can handle it."

"Obviously you cannot," he says, pointing at my arm.

"This was just an...an outburst."

"What guarantees me you will not have more of these so called outbursts? I do not want you hurting yourself ever again."

"Why not?" I look up at him, raising my eyebrows.

He clenches his jaw, but says nothing.

"It's pointless now. Everything is," I continue, "Nothing matters. Nothing makes sense anymore."

Snape takes a deep breath, "Will you let me help you?"

A small laugh escapes me, "Help me how? You can't help me. No one can. My own body is attacking me and there is nothing I can do."

"I need your permission."

"Permission to do what?"

"Help you," he answers.

"I don't really care."

"Is that a yes?"

I shrug.

"Granger?"

"Do what you want to do. I don't care."

He simply nods, "Alright. Now go to your room. Sleep. That is an order. I will be checking on you during the night."

I am too tired to argue.

I just want my bed.

Standing up, I notice I've dirtied his robes with my blood.

I grimace, "I'm really sorry for that, Sir."

He looks at the stain, then back at me, "It is quite alright, Miss Granger."

"You should take it off and wash it, you don't want my dirty blood on you. It's not good for you."

"Let me be the judge of that."

I say nothing, only turn around and walk to my room.

A/N: I know, I know. It's been a month. :/ What can I say? I was a bit stuck with this story, but I hope that is behind me now. Next chapters - their relationship will develop. ;) Thank you for reading.