~ chapter 18 ~

The days passed so quickly I can hardly believe the last day of school is here.

Finally winter holidays.

What now? Where do I go? What do I do?

I want so badly to go and visit my parents, to stay with them, to see them again. But that's not possible. And every time I see them it's so much harder to leave. Even if they don't see me.

The whole Weasley family has invited me to stay with them and spend the holidays with people who love me. Harry is going to be there as well.

And I...don't know what to do. After I found out I have less time left than I thought, I have been acting crazy. All my plans were destroyed. What am I supposed to do with so little time left?

Also, it would be a good idea to distance myself from my friends. The goodbye is coming and I don't like goodbyes.

"So," Ginny starts, "Have you made up your mind? Are you coming with us? Please, say yes."

I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

"Come on, Hermione. My mum would love to see you," Ginny insists.

And I would love to see her, but...

Finally I make up my mind, "I'm sorry, but...I think I'll just stay here, at Hogwarts," then I add, "With my husband."

Ginny makes a face, but she quickly tries to fix it with a smile, "Oh, alright. If that's what you really want."

"I do."

Do I?

"But promise you will visit us."

"Ginny - "

"Snape can come with you."

That surprises me, "He can?"

"Sure, why not?"

"But - "

Ginny sighs, "He's not a very ... lovable person, but my parents respect him. And he's welcome to visit us with you."

I smile at that thought. I can just imagine him sitting at the table during dinner, surrounded by Weaselys. Oh yes, he would enjoy that.

"We'll see, perhaps," I reply.

"No perhaps," Ginny insists.

"We'll see," I repeat, smiling a bit, "You guys have fun."

They will have fun, but what about me? I'll probably spend the days in my room, reading books which is not as entertaining as it used to be.

ooo

Hogwarts is very quiet. Almost everyone went home for the holiday. I have never seen it like this, so empty and dead.

I have no one to talk to. It's not like I'm in the talking mood, but it would feel nice having someone to...someone I could rely on.

Snape is nowhere to be seen.

He knows I've stayed with him for the holidays, but does he care? No.

The first day of the holidays is spent in my room, alone.

ooo

My head hurts. It feels as if it's going to explode. I had a plan for the day, I wanted to go out for a walk, but it seems I'm going to spend the whole day in my bed. The room is dark, because the light hurts my eyes.

I sit up in my bed, feeling something on my face.

No, not again.

My nose is bleeding.

I hate that.

I grab a napkin, placing it on my nose.

I feel so angry when something like this happens. Angry at myself, at my body. Why is it doing things like this?

I can feel anger bubbling inside of me, there is so much of it. I want to take it out on somebody, I want to blame someone for my condition, but there's no one. No one is responsible for it. And that's what makes it so much more difficult. I've got no one to blame, except me. My body. It's weak and stupid and -

"Miss?"

I jump at the voice, noticing the small elf in my room.

"Y-Yes?" I stare at it.

"Master is requiring your presence in his Potions lab."

I raise a brow. Snape knows I don't like the fact that he has a house elf. It's slavery. And now he just sent one to me to convey his message.

"Tell Mr. Snape that I am currently unavailable," I reply.

The elf seems surprised at first, but then only nods, "Alright, Miss."

And with that he disappears.

ooo

Not even five minutes later the elf is in my room again, looking very uncomfortable.

"What is it?" I ask.

"Master Snape is demanding your presence, Miss. He will not accept a no for an answer."

Demanding?

I remove the napkin from my nose, "Tell him that I don't care if he accepts it or not. I am not going anywhere today."

The elf opens it's mouth to speak, but decides against it and simply disappears again.

Snape is demanding my presence? Who does he think he is?

The bleeding from my nose still hasn't stopped, so I press the napkin against it and lay down, hoping to get some sleep.

ooo

Just as sleep threatens to take over me, the doors are pushed open.

"What is this, Granger?" his voice cuts through the silence.

I flinch, but don't move from my position.

"I have requested your presence for a reason, I did not do so because I was bored and in need of your entertaining company," he continues, annoyance clear in his tone.

I ignore his ranting, still turned away from him.

"I expected much more from you, Miss Granger," he drawls, "What have you turned into? Spending all your day in bed?"

I am silent.

He approaches me, I can hear his footsteps. He stops beside my bed and I can see his shadow.

"Have you forgotten about our agreement?" he asks, "I have not. If I remember correctly, you promised to act maturely, to allow me to help you. Is this what you call mature?" he sits on my bed, "Is your attitude mature now?"

When I don't answer, his voice grows impatient, "I do not appreciate having a monologue."

After a long moment of silence, he grabs my arm, forcing me to face him. I don't resist, meeting his eyes and then waiting and observing how his face changes.

It goes from angry to surprised, then worried and taken aback.

He quickly lets go of me, clearing his throat.

He seems to be uncomfortable.

Good. He deserves it. He needs to change his attitude towards me.

"What happened?" he asks, observing my face.

I let out a laugh, removing the napkin from my nose, "This happened."

"Why did you not inform me?"

"Why would I? This is nothing, it happens often."

"It is not nothing."

"It is," I insist, "What do you want? That I come running to you everytime I get a bruise? Or everytime I get a cut? This is nothing."

"What if it was something?" he asks, angry again, "What if it was serious? What if..." he stands up, "What if - "

I understand what he is trying to say, "What if I died?"

He says nothing.

I continue, "Well, I didn't die. And it won't happen anytime soon, at least not that soon."

"I need to know about things like this, Granger."

"Why?"

It angers him, "How can you expect me to not care? If something happened to you, what do you think everyone will think?"

That confuses me, "What do you mean?"

"If you suddenly...died, if something suddenly happened to you...I would be the person to blame."

I stare at him, "N-No..."

"Yes. Everyone would blame me, because it is my duty to take care of you. Besides, I am sure many of them would not hesitate to think I had something to do with it."

My eyes widen in shock, "You mean people would suspect ... you did something to me?"

"Of course they would."

I need a moment to process that.

He's right. I'm sure people would have their suspicions. I haven't even thought about that.

But...

I look up at him, "So...your sudden interest in my well being has nothing to do with me, but..."

"Granger - "

"You are worried about yourself," I finish, letting out a breath.

"Do not jump to conclusions," he replies, "I do not know why you like to make a monster out of me."

Shaking my head, I force a smile, "Not a monster. A human being. It's in our nature to be selfish and to think of ourselves first, then of others - "

"Spare me the lectures," he cuts me off, "Do not make a mistake in assuming you know me."

"But - "

"End of discussion," he says, walking over to me, "Has the bleeding stopped?"

I don't answer him.

He continues, "I'll have the elf bring a potion to you. It will make you feel better."

I should thank him, but I don't.

"Rest," he says before leaving the room.

ooo

I knock on his office door.

"Enter."

Pushing the door open, I walk in, noticing him sitting behind his desk, going through some papers. I like watching him work. It's fascinating to see how concentrated he is. He seems to be amused and annoyed at the same time when he's grading papers or reading students' essays, but I know his true passion. Potion making. He seems to be in his own world.

"Have I not ordered you to rest?" he says, looking up at me.

"I don't take orders from anyone," a reply comes from me, then I continue, "It's late."

"Thank you for notifying me, but I have noticed the darkness outside all by myself," his voice is dripping with sarcasm.

I roll my eyes, "What I meant to say is, we have one hour till midnight."

"Yes, I know."

"Well?" I ask, "You know what day it is."

"I do know."

I'm starting to get uncomfortable, "You know what we have to do."

"I do."

What is he playing at?

"Then...what are you waiting for?" I demand, "It'll be a close call."

"There will be no call, Miss Granger."

"What?"

"We will not be performing our duties tonight," he says and returns to grading the papers.

And I just stand there, speechless.

What?

"But..." I start, "We have to. We have until midnight."

"I am aware of that. But we will not be doing anything tonight."

"But we have to," I'm repeating myself, I know.

I simply don't understand him.

"What do you mean 'we won't be doing anything'? We have to. If we don't the ministry will be here tomorrow and they will demand explanation."

"And we will provide them with one," he says calmly.

"And what is that?"

He looks at me, his eyes dark, "You are sick."

My throat closes up, "You can't tell them that."

"Granger - "

"You can't. They will want to know more about me, my condition and then they'll realize this marriage is fake and that I lied to you and then everyone will find out and I'll be prosecuted - "

"Granger," he raises his voice, "Calm down."

"No!" I approach him, "You promised! You promised you won't tell anyone, you gave me your word."

He seems to be having an inner battle, but he says nothing.

So I continue, "I've done everything you wanted. I've given you blood samples. I did everything you asked me to. And you promised."

He stands up, looking directly into my eyes, "How can you demand this of me?"

"Demand what?"

"Demand that I sleep with you," he forces though his teeth, "That I do what is required to do while you are sick. That I use you while you can barely move, while you feel sick, while your nose bleeds. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?"

I shake my head, "No...I don't. And I'm sorry."

"Then you understand why I cannot do this. Not anymore."

He turns around, but I grab his arm, forcing him to face me again, "But you are not using me. You are helping me. You are doing what I'm asking you to do."

"Granger - "

I force a smile, "And I'm not feeling sick anymore. I took a nap and I'm better now. See?"

He simply shakes his head.

"Please, Sir. I'm fine."

I hope I'm convincing.

He stares at me for a long moment and then shakes his head again, but before he has a chance to turn away, I stand up on my toes and kiss him.

I expect him to push me away, but he doesn't. At first he simply stands there. It's awkward kissing a person who is not moving at all. It's like kissing a statue. Just as I am about to break the kiss, his lips move. Just slightly. Or am I imagining it?

I pull away from him, too nervous to meet his eyes.

He sighs, "Go to my room. I will be there in ten minutes."

Relief washes over me and I nod, "Thank you."

"Go."

I obey, running out before he changes his mind.

ooo

"The dinner was great, Ginny," I laugh, "It's like the dark times are behind us, finally."

"And what did you do afterwards?" the redhead asks, smirking.

"Nothing, we went for a walk and we talked."

I can't erase the smile from my face. It's unbelievable how happy Ron makes me. And to think we've lost so many years being ignorant about each other. But better late than never.

Ginny looks sceptical, "You just talked?"

"Yes."

"Hermione, is that all? I mean, I don't want to know every little detail, he is after all my brother, but you can tell me if you had a good time."

I blush, "Ginny, I'm serious. Nothing like that happened, we just talked."

She just raises her eyebrows.

I laugh, "I swear!"

We're sitting in the Great Hall and I notice a group of girls looking at us and whispering.

"What now?" I ask with annoyance.

"Don't mind them," Ginny says, then raises her voice, "They are just bitter you are the War heroine and they are not."

I observe them closely, "Ginny, I don't think that's it. Something is going on."

Finally one girls approaches us, holding a paper in her hands.

"We thought you should see this," she says, handing me the Daily Prophet and then walking away.

"What is it?" Ginny asks, leaning over so she could see it.

And there it was.

The first page.

War Hero Ronald Weasley spotted with a blonde girl late last night.

And then my heart broke into a million little pieces.

That was the first time. And the news kept coming.

The next week it was "Ronald Weasley in the company of two girls."

And the week after "War Hero caught kissing in public with an older woman."

My dreams about our life together were destroyed.

ooo

I wait in his bed, biting my lower lip in frustration.

Where is he?

Has he changed his mind?

He can't do that.

Just as I am about to stand up and go check up on him, he enters the room.

He does not look up at me, only takes a deep breath and stops.

I wait.

And he just stands there.

And then I laugh out loud, making him look at me.

"I'm sorry, it's just...like it's our first time," I explain, shaking my head.

And he smiles. Just a bit. I can swear the corners of his lips turned upwards for a second.

"So," I continue, "Shall we? We only have half an hour left."

He nods, looking at me.

There is a question in his eyes, I can see it.

But his mouth are not moving.

"What is it?" I ask quietly.

Nothing.

"I know there is something," I insist, "Tell me."

He seems sceptical, but he speaks, "Do you not find me...repulsive?"

"Repulsive?"

"Disgusting. Dirty," he continues, "Do you not hate what we have to do?"

He is completely serious.

I take a moment before I answer. And when I do, it's only one word, "No."

"No?"

"No," I repeat.

"You are lying. You must be."

I stand up and walk over to him, meeting his eyes, "I am not lying. I admit, you have some qualities that I find rude and annoying and sometimes even mean, but if anything, you have always been nothing less than a gentleman in the bedroom. And I appreciate that. I really do."

"Sometimes you do not realize what you demand of me," he speaks quietly, "My entire life I have had Masters, people I had to obey, people I had to serve. After Dumbledore's death and The Dark Lord's downfall I thought that period of my life was over. I have never been more wrong."

What does he mean by that? He can't be comparing me to... can he?

Before I can open my mouth to protest, he turns and walks over to his cabinet, taking out a small vial. He hands it to me, not saying anything. I know what it is. A contraceptive.

It is going to happen.

ooo

Sometimes I wish the lights were on so that I could see his face. But then I quickly change my mind. I don't want to see the anger and the disgust on his face. I don't want to see how much he hates me for forcing him into this.

As he moves on top of me, I wonder what it would feel like if we took our clothes off. Would it make it more personal? This way it seems like we are two strangers. Perhaps we could feel more connected if we could feel each other's skin.

But I'm sure he would never agree on that.

Who am I kidding? We are not a normal couple and we never will be.

Should I try and make this more intimate?

Hesitantly, I bring my hand up and run it through his hair. I can tell he did not expect it because he freezes. He stops moving completely and I remove my hand. He obviously did not appreciate that small gesture.

I need to stop hoping that this would ever be anything else but a duty.

ooo

I groan as I wake up. I feel as if I've been ran over by a train. I open my eyes, groaning again, this time because of the lightness in the room.

It's morning.

My hair is a mess.

Sitting up, I try to pull myself together.

"Good morning."

I flinch, not expecting anyone.

My eyes quickly find him, sitting on the armchair next to the window. There is a book in his lap.

"Morning," I reply, sceptically.

He seems amused by something and that surprises me.

"What...what are you doing here?" I ask, eying him carefully.

Is this a dream? Am I still sleeping?

"What am I doing here?" he repeats, "This is my bedroom."

"Oh."

He stands up, "It's almost noon."

My eyes widen in surprise, "What?"

"It is almost noon," he repeats, slowly.

"Why...how...why did you let me sleep that long?"

"It seemed as if you needed the rest."

I look at him, "You were here the whole time? Watching me?"

"Reading a book," he corrects me.

Sighing, I nod and start looking around, wondering if I should leave or not.

"I will be gone for the day," he announces.

"Why?"

"There are some - "

"Matters that you need to attend to," I finish for him.

A standard answer.

"Well, I should go - "

"Wait," I call out, "I-I'm bored."

"Read a book."

"That won't help." I roll my eyes, "I...I miss my friends."

He tenses up, "When they are here, you run away from them, you ignore them. And now, when they are gone, you miss them?"

"I know, I'm stupid, but I really do miss them."

He sighs, "Then go visit them."

"I can't."

He seems to be annoyed, "And why is that?"

"I can't go alone."

I wait in silence as realization comes to him.

And then horror appears on his face, "Absolutely not."

"Why not?"

"Because."

I raise my eyebrows, "Well, that is mature."

"I do not like the Weasley family. They do not like me. End of story."

"But they like me. And I like them," I reply, "Besides, it's not that bad. They respect you. You are invited also. Ginny said so."

I can see the pure torture on his face, but I continue.

"Please, Sir. Just for one evening. For a dinner. You won't have to talk to anyone."

He pinches the bridge of his nose, shaking his head, "We will talk when I return."

"Alright."

Still shaking his head, he leaves the room.

And I stay in his bed. He did not demand that I leave.

I really hope he would decide to go for a visit with me. With him beside me Ron will not dare to come near me. And that is what I need. A relaxed evening with Ginny and Harry and the rest of the Weasleys. Without Ron.

A/N: Sorry. I can't say anything else. I thought I would post this chapter sooner, but I kinda lost motivation. I hope that doesn't happen again. Sorry again.