Note To Anyone Reading: There's a lot of crack, I won't lie. Oh, and this parody will be covering most of the RWBY episodes just so you know.

._.

Glynda Goodwitch wasn't sure how to approach this situation.

"Soooo," drawled the young girl sitting across from the table. "Why am I here?"

She sighed deeply. Rose petals began to fly everywhere when she exhaled, but the young girl was oblivious to both her exasperation and the red petals that covered every inch of the floor. She wasn't looking forward to cleaning that up. She wasn't looking forward to this questioning, either.

After various shenanigans involving chasing down one very stupid criminal, Glynda had been forced to bring in one Ruby Rose in for questioning. The young girl had insisted upon being given an autograph during the trip here, and when Glynda finally gave it, the girl continued to blabber on about Hunters and Huntresses. And now she had to delay parts of the interrogation because Professor Ozpin was busy boarding up his windows. Could this day get any worse?

Outside, she could hear Professor Ozpin loudly drinking his coffee. Glynda tried to block out the noises as she turned to face Ruby.

"Well, lets see," Glynda's irritation was building up and it was noticeable. "First you kick a man through a window. Then you beat the snot out of some other people. After that, you pursued a dangerous criminal and nearly got yourself killed, while also causing damage to city property."

Ruby averted her eyes and grinned sheepishly. "Uh, well..."

"What were you doing out so late anyways?" Glynda continued on, "It was one in the morning. What did you even have to do at one in the morning that you couldn't do at a reasonable time?"

"I wanted candy!" Ruby looked back up. "So I went to the candy store."

Glynda nearly exploded.

"You mean From Dust Til Dawn. The local Dust shop," Glynda corrected her while attempting to remain calm. "Which is not a candy store at all."

"Sure it was!" Ruby crossed her arms, looking at the Huntress as though she were crazy. "What were those tube containers on the wall, then? And those colorful rocks behind the case?"

"That was dust," Glynda's green eyes narrowed. "Not candy."

"Fine, whatever," Ruby huffed. "Do you want to hear the story or not?"

No, not really, she thought to herself. But if she didn't ask, then she had a feeling that this hyperactive girl would go on about how cool Hunters and Huntresses were.

To be honest, she would rather work the rest of her life without being paid.

Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration; the girl wasn't too annoying.

Not wanting to hear this girl's tale but knowing her job required her to, Glynda sat down opposite Ruby Rose and prepared for the worst.

"Let's hear what you have to say."

Ruby smiled.

"Well, you see!..."

-Flashback-

Ruby was staring at the latest weapons magazine. There were all sorts of neat weapon designs in the magazine, and barely a third of them were legal. Still, even if she couldn't get ahold of them, that didn't mean she couldn't just go to the nearest black market or better yet, attempt to forge the weapon for herself.

The headphones on her head blasted the lyrics to This Will Be The Day sung by the amazing Casey Lee Williams. God she loved this song. Especially since it wasn't one of those songs that foreshadowed important things; Ruby hated it when songs did that. She couldn't turn on the radio and listen to Red Like Roses without hearing other people around her speculating about a show called RWBY. Seriously, what was up with that?

Suddenly someone began to tap her on the shoulder.

Turning around, Ruby was faced with a Generic Bad Guy dressed in mafia-style clothing. She removed her headphones to hear what he had to say for himself. How dare he interrupt Casey Lee Williams.

"I can hear your music," the henchman complained, "Turn it down, we're in a library."

Ruby blinked. "I thought we were in a candy store though."

"Oh," the henchman was suddenly confused. "I just thought that because of the shushing from the boss and your magazines... well..."

In the front of the shop Ruby could now hear the "boss" loudly shushing the shop owner. "SHHHHHH! JESUS CHRIST, STOP PANICKING ALREADY!"

"Shut up and take my Lien!" the old shop owner shouted back at the leader of the heist. "LEAAAAVEEE!"

"Oh my god, stop talking," the boss was quickly becoming exasperated with the old man. Ruby looked around the corner and saw that the old man had begun a demon exorcising ritual and was centering it around a man with orange hair, a funny hat, and a white coat.

"Be gone, demon!" the shop owner began to sprinkle holy water everywhere. "Begone!"

"I'm not a demon," the orange-haired criminal growled as he was splashed with the holy water. The shop owner began to go on about how he definitely was since he was a ginger, but the criminal shouted over his rambling. "How does me being a ginger result in me having no soul?"

The shop keeper took out a bible from under the counter and began to chant: "Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii, omnis legio, omnis congregatio et secta diabolica!-" *

He was cut off before he could go on any further. "You stole that from Supernatural," the criminal accused.

"Nu-uh," the shop keeper denied, "I don't watch that show!"

"..." The orange-haired man lit a cigar, rolling his eyes as he sat down in the ring of salt that the shop keeper had made around him (which wasn't actually how salt worked on demons). He may as well play along with this. "Ave gloriosa in nomine Satan." **

"I knew it! Satan worshiper! Devil!" the old shop owner's voice boomed throughout the small establishment. "Just you wait until I get the Winchester brothers on your ass- then you'll be sorry you ever messed with me!"

"You said you didn't watch Supernatural though."

"I never said that!"

"You just did! Literally thirty seconds ago, you said-"

"Nope! I don't remember that!"

"Sir if you don't shut up, there is going to be a meeting between my foot and your face at this rate!"

"NOPE!"

"OH, COME ON, OLD MAN! YOU'RE REALLY STARTING TO PISS. ME. OFF!"

Ruby could see where that conversation was heading. "Yeah, I don't think this is a library."

The henchman shrugged while his fellow henchmen filled up glass tubes with the "Dust" (she was certain that was another word for candy) stored along the walls.

"Oh, well what is this place then? A candy store? I need to know what I'm stealing so I have a higher chance of successful, organized crime," the goon was too busy trying to determine what his group was robbing to see that the little girl in front of him had just taken out a scythe and was about to kick him through a window.

And so she did.

-End of flashback-

"After that, I engaged in mortal combat with the criminal known as Roman Torchwick," Ruby went on, "but then some other stuff happened and things got weird."

"Weird?" Glynda raised an eyebrow questioningly. "What do you mean weird?"

"Well," Ruby scratched her head. "What I mean is..."

"No," Glynda interrupted, "we are not going into another one of your flashbacks."

Outside, Ozpin continued to drink his coffee loudly. "Needs more sugar," she heard him mutter.

Ruby didn't hear his muttering, but wondered why Glynda suddenly seemed more pissed off than she already was. Glynda glared at the open doorway, clearing her throat as she stood up.

"You can tell us what happened next in a non-flashback manner," she said through gritted teeth. "In fact, there is someone here who would be very interested in what you have to say in words that aren't flashback."

On cue, in entered a man with short gray hair reminiscent of a chicken's butt in the back. Ruby put on her best poker face to avoid offending the newcomer in the black and dark green suit. He looked important, especially since his figure wasn't shaded in black like the other unimportant people wandering the streets. When Ruby saw that this person was carrying in a tray of cookies, she came to the conclusion that this man was the most important man in the history of the universe.

"Yes I am very interested in the thing that the scary woman just said," he said as he set the plate of cookies down in front of her. "Hello, Ms. Rose, I notice you have silver eyes. Well, I have silver hair," he pointed to his head, "In case you don't already know who I am, my name is Professor Ozpin and I'm the headmaster at Beacon Academy."

"Hello," Ruby immediately began to wolf down the baked goods.

While she went into full detail about how she chased down Roman Torchwick throughout the city (while the streets were conveniently void of civilians), Ozpin continued to drink his coffee. He couldn't help but notice the girl was sprouting rose petals from out of nowhere, almost as if she were creating matter herself. But according to the law of conservation of matter, matter could not be created or destroyed. So the random rose petals had to be coming from somewhere... or perhaps it was just artistic preference?

He wondered if Glynda could see them as well. While Ruby went on about how Roman accidentally blew up his own getaway airjet (like an idiot) when he tried to explode her with a red Dust gem, Ozpin quickly grabbed one of the petals from the floor and showed it to Glynda.

"Hey, are you seeing this too?" he whispered.

"Yes, she's been doing that for a while now," Glynda answered quietly. "I'm not cleaning that up by the way."

"-but then he called me a ratchet ass hoe, so I slapped him across the face," Ruby went on with her story. This caught Glynda's attention.

"He called you what?" her eyes widened as she asked the young girl to repeat herself.

"He called me a ratchet ass hoe," Ruby told her. "Then I smacked him across the face, because that was totally uncalled for. After I did that, this lady with a red dress showed up and also hit him on the head for blowing up the getaway vehicle while she was still inside."

Glynda shifted her complete attention to Ruby's story, whereas Ozpin began to get to the bottom of the rose petal mystery. And by bottom, he meant the floor. Where was the floor, for god's sake?

After digging a hole in the rose petal-covered floor with his bare hands, Ozpin found plant life growing from the ground. He didn't remember trying to decorate the interrogation room to make it more visitor-friendly, so he assumed the plants were also Ms. Rose's doing.

We get it, your last name is Rose, he thought to himself, but you don't need to literally have the plants growing in your wake! He began to remove the sprouting plant, wondering how this was even physically possible.

Upon closer inspection, he found that it wasn't just any plant. It looked strangely familiar...

"Glynda, can you send this to the local botanist and have him identify this for me?" Ozpin requested, handing the plant over carefully. "Be quick about it- this is important," he emphasized.

Glynda exited the room with the plant, leaving Ozpin alone with Ruby.

"Ms. Rose," he glanced again at the rose-petal covered floor, "are you aware that you've been littering the floor for the past few hours?"

Ruby looked at the floor. "Oh, sorry. That just happens sometimes."

"Yes, things often happen which we cannot... prevent..." his voice trailed off as he tried to step around the petals to return to his seat. "Anyways! From the oddly-placed security cameras, we looked over the footage and I must say I'm impressed with your Sniper Scythe wielding abilities."

The girl smiled. "Aww, thanks. My uncle Qrow took me under his wing and taught me how to use Crescent Rose," she told him while she took out said weapon. "What's your weapon by the way?"

Professor Ozpin raised his coffee mug in response.

Ruby laughed. "No no no, really, what's your weapon? Something epic? I noticed you're using a cane."

Ozpin laughed as well. "Yes, I'm getting quite old I suppose. Haven't you seen the color of my hair?"

"Well, about your hair," Ruby's face started to twitch. "Has anyone ever told you that the back of your head looks like-"

She cut herself off before she could say the rest of the sentence.

"Um, nevermind," she shook her head as she dismissed the topic. "So you wield a cane, right?"

"No, I dual-wield coffee mugs," Ozpin insisted. "I'm working on triple-wielding coffee mugs, but I don't exactly have a third hand. If I can manage that however, I will be the most powerful and important man in all of existence." He thoughtfully looked down at his coffee mug. "It's too bad all of this coffee has had a negative effect on my health. If I didn't have to carry around this cane all the time, I bet I could progress further than just two measly mugs."

Ruby eyed the plate of cookies. There were still a few left. "Well, if it means anything Professor Ozpin, I think you're already an important person." Because you brought in cookies, she thought, but didn't say out loud. "I believe you can, er, triple-wield coffee mugs. Good luck with that."

Before Ozpin could respond, Glynda returned to the room to deliver the news.

"Should I expect a report by tomorrow morning?" the headmaster of Beacon asked.

Glynda shook her head. "No, they identified the plant very fast actually."

"Oh. Well, is it dangerous? Poisonous?" he was wondering what could possibly be growing in the footsteps of a young girl. "Is it magic?"

"No, there is no magic here," Glynda told him. "I think you've had too much coffee, sir."

"... It's very ironic that you would say there's no magic, given that your surname is Goodwitch," Ozpin commented. "So what was the report? Is it weed? Do we have to worry about marijuana harvesters?"

"No." Glynda seemed reluctant to answer. "No sir, it's nothing you should be concerned with."

Ozpin stared at Glynda until she cracked.

"OK, fine, it's Coffea Arabica!" she snapped. "And yes, the rose petals are definitely real, but why is this something we even need to discuss?"

Ruby joined in the conversation. "There's coffee plants growing wherever I walk? Wow, I never even noticed the rose petal thing! I'm like a walking garden."

Glynda questioned how she never noticed this anomaly before. Ruby said something about having a sister who was "fiery" and had a tendency to burst into flames, suggesting that she may have accidentally burned the majority of the plants. But Professor Ozpin didn't hear any of this. Only one thing registered in his head, and that was the fact that this girl was able to grow coffee trees wherever she went.

"How old are you?" he suddenly spoke.

"I'm fifteen," Ruby answered. "Why?"

Crap, that means I can't hire her. Ozpin thought of an alternate solution. "Well, would you like to attend Beacon Academy two years early? You're a very skilled fighter from what we've seen. We would be glad to have more students like you."

And by that I mean I just want to grow coffee bean trees everywhere. That will solve my coffee shortage in three to five years when the plants begin to produce fruit. And then I will have all the coffee I want. I don't care what that narrator says.

"Okay!" Ruby grinned, "I've always wanted to be a Huntress-"

"Yeah, yeah, but we're just going to launch you into Emerald Forest right away," Ozpin informed her. "Since we don't have the relics planted just yet, your job will be to walk all over the Emerald Forest. And make sure to plant plenty of trees, because the other students will probably burn the place down like Ms. Schnee."

"Who?" Ruby echoed.

Ozpin wasn't sure what he just said there. "No one I guess." He stood from his seat and stepped around the rose petals, trying to reach the doorway. "Glynda, launch her into the Emerald Forest as soon as possible."

"Sir, what about teams and partners? Can't we wait?" Glynda called after the headmaster as he began to disappear down the hallway.

Ozpin glanced at the empty coffee mug outside of the room.

"No, we can't. Just give Ms. Rose her own team and partner her with whichever student ends up being forever alone," he ordered. "It doesn't really matter, does it?"

Ruby exchanged a look with the blonde huntress.

"Are you ready?" Glynda was already dreading the upcoming year.

Ruby shoved the rest of the cookies into her pocket.

"I'm ready!" Ruby cheered.

"Off to Emerald Forest, then," Glynda sighed. And to herself, she muttered, "Why do I even bother with this job?"

._.

*Okay yes, that was part of the exorcism chant from Supernatural. I couldn't help it since I saw the name "Winchester" on the RWBY character list, and since Roman just so happened to have orange hair (and is evil). There are a lot of orange/red haired people on this show actually, now that I think about it.

** This translates to: Hail in the glorious name of satan.

A/N: Did anyone get the title reference?