Chapter 3: Why Do Girls Always Have To Go To The Bathroom In Groups?

A/N: I may not update often by the way because I'm also trying to focus on writing 66 chapters for another parody I'm doing. If you've looked at my profile you know what I mean :P And you would also know 66 chapters is nothing, because I've written and completed a 101 Attempt Series. I will write for RWBY in between and when I'm inspired, but otherwise I get really busy ;_; But thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter! I was able to respond to everyone and I'm glad that I've been getting feedback from you guys (especially since the RWBY community is only growing right now).

Also, when it comes to shipping (pairing of couples) I have no preference as long as the age gap isn't too big and the pairing is actually plausible given the circumstances. Interpret this however you want.

._.

"Ohmigod you're going to Beacon with meee!" squealed a bubbly blonde teenager with lilac colored eyes, who was quick to embrace her little sister. "This is going to be awesome!"

Said little sister gasped for air as she struggled to break free. "Yang, I can't breathe!"

Yang Xiao Long grinned as she released her little sister and stepped away. "So, Ruby, you already went through the initiation process, right?" she nudged the shorter, dark haired girl in the side playfully. "Did you get to do anything exciting?"

Ruby frowned and pursed her lips together. "No, they just had me walk around for five hours in a forest by myself."

It was true; straight after the interrogation, Ruby had been ushered over to the Emerald Forest, the site that was going to be used to determine teams and partners. While everyone else was going tomorrow to be given some other task, she was launched into forest by herself until the sun came up and a staff member found her.

Supposedly her folks back home had been informed of this; after all, she had already been outside at midnight and they were bound to wonder where she had gone off to. Though she personally wouldn't have let the Beacon Academy staff phone her home at two in the morning, waking up everyone in the household as Yang (of all people) answered and realized that her little sister was missing. According to a now-terrified Glynda Goodwitch, Yang started shouting at her for allowing something so reckless to happen and for telling them at an unreasonable hour. Also part of their home had burnt down, but that happened quite often. Good thing they had homeowners insurance. But it wasn't a good thing that Yang had proceeded to leave the house to chase after the Beacon Academy staff (notably Professor Ozpin) demanding, while bursting with actual flames, where in the world Ruby was.

Ruby shuddered as she recalled hearing the terrified shrieking of the headmaster. She had wondered what that was about until she met up with her older sister, who had beaten half of Beacon's staff senselessly and stopped the moment Ruby appeared. Yang had grabbed Ozpin by his suit and was about to punch him in Super Saiyan mode, but her fist stopped mere inches away from his face when she saw that her sister hadn't been eaten by a Beowolf in the forest.

She could still see the relieved expressions on the teachers' faces as Yang set down the headmaster and turned her attention elsewhere, in a more... peaceful manner.

Ruby had never been so ****ing terrified in her entire life in the following moments when Yang switched from burning anger to her usual cheerfulness as she nearly hugged Ruby to death.

Now looking at Yang as she interrupted a nearby conversation, Ruby could still say that she was scared out of her wits.

"Hello~!" Yang greeted in an overly-cheerful manner, lodging herself between an orange-haired girl in pink clothing and a quiet boy with black hair (was that a pink streak she saw?). "So, I heard you talking about ships! Isn't this a nice ship?"

Ruby wondered if she was talking about the physical kind of ship, or the other kind. Probably the latter, knowing her sister.

"Uhh," the guy seemed unsure of how he should deal with the newcomer. Ruby sat down on one of the nearby seats, knowing exactly what was about to go down here. She would intervene if things got ugly.

"I like trains!" the orange-haired girl chirped. "My name is Nora! And this is Lie Ren!" she grabbed her friend's arm and prevented him from escaping. "He also likes trains!"

"Nora, I never said-" Lie Ren attempted to correct his friend, only to be cut off.

"He likes trains!" Nora stopped him. "He definitely likes trains!" Dear lord, she was almost as cheerful as Yang. It was starting to worry Ruby, and she could tell that she wasn't the only one. Ren was trying to gnaw off his arm in order to escape, but it didn't look as if Yang or Nora noticed.

"Good!" Yang grinned, "it's good that you prefer trains. If you ask me, ships are terrible."

Oh no, Ruby thought, here she goes.

"What do you mean?" Nora asked, "Did a ship crash into your home and kill your pet turtle when you were little?"

"Uhh, no," Yang shook her head. "I'm just saying. A ship is only meant for certain people, you know?"

"Oh I know!" the girl nodded understandingly. "Ships are so romantic- especially the ones that were meant to fly!"

"Was that a reference?" Ren asked.

Nora ignored him. "I think ships shouldn't be used for battle or transportation. Trains should be used instead- I like trains," she repeated herself. "I think trains are great!"

"I agree," Yang seemed pleased by this stranger's response. "What I hate about ships though, is when friends get put on them together. Friends shouldn't be put in romantic situations- especially when they're just friends," she emphasized the last part.

Ren caught on to what she was actually saying. "Oh, well, we're not on this ship for that reason..."

"Yet people put you on the ship regardless of whether or not you wanted to be in it with someone you know," Yang went on. "How rude, am I right?"

Nora didn't get what Yang was saying. "I guess... I mean, something awkward could happen, but people don't really care if you're on a ship with someone you like or don't like, so long as you get there."

Without even realizing it, Nora was contributing to the fire that was Yang Xiao Long. Ruby got up from her seat to intervene, but it seemed the situation was about to resolve itself.

"Don't worry, we won't be on this ship much longer," Lie Ren panicked, "right Nora?"

Nora pouted. "Are we jumping off the ship right now?"

"Yes, we must abort ship immediately," Ren said urgently, pulling Nora away from the crazy blonde girl. "We can ride a train to Beacon, don't worry!"

With that, Ren went out the emergency hatch as he promised to Yang he would never to get in a ship with Nora ever again. Nora meanwhile grinned deviously and broke a window, jumping out and sky diving towards the ground.

Ruby looked out the window Nora had gone out of, and then glared at Yang for causing damage to a perfectly fine ship. Yang simply shrugged.

"I was doing them a favor, stop fretting." Yang joined Ruby at the window, watching as the two students safely landed. "Trust me, those two didn't belong in a ship together."

"Yang," Ruby gave her older sister a disapproving look, "I think that girl actually wanted to be in the ship."

Yang snorted, "Well, she had no qualms about breaking that window!"

"That's because she's crazy," Ruby deadpanned.

Yang didn't appear to regret her decision however.

Seeing that this conversation wouldn't get them anywhere, Ruby chose to wander around instead. She wasn't sure if she would be safe in the same aircraft as her older sister, but she was more concerned about the other students. Hopefully they were safe from Yang's ship-destroying and item-stealing tendencies. Or... safe from Yang in general.

Nearby a blond teenager in basic armor and jeans was puking due to motion sickness. He almost missed the trash can, but managed to reach it in time as he started to make loud retching noises. Apologizing beside him was a girl with her red hair held high in a pony tail. Somewhat concerned yet reluctant to help, Ruby approached the couple.

"Is everything okay over here?" she asked.

At that moment, the airship suddenly shook, causing the trash can to fall over. The puke unfortunately spilled out with it. Ruby screamed and jumped into the arms of the random red haired lady to avoid contact. The trash can rolled across the floor, bumping into a student with gray and yellow armor. He shouted and upon realizing what had touched his foot, turned and narrowed his blue eyes at the (still) sick passenger.

"Sorry," Ruby apologized as she set herself down. "I didn't want to get puke on me..."

The young woman smiled understandingly. "It's okay, I may have done the same had I been in your position."

Deciding that she was definitely going to make friends with this person, Ruby struck up a conversation while Vomit Boy chased after the trashcan, and as Armored Asshat* chased after him in turn.

The two watched as a ridiculous chase scene took place. They weren't sure if they should help, but when the armored student got close to catching Vomit Boy, Ruby stuck out her leg to trip him and her new friend threw a spear following his slip to trap him against the wall.

"I'm sorry!" she called after poor (not really) Armored Asshat.

"You shouldn't say sorry to him; he's obviously a bully," came a voice from behind.

They turned to see a girl with long black hair and yellow eyes. Ruby nearly mistook the large bow on her head for cat ears, admittedly.

"Blake Belladonna," she introduced herself. "I saw how you two helped out the boy with motion sickness."

"Oh that's what it was?" the girl beside Ruby blinked. "I thought he was choking so I attempted to perform a Heimlich maneuver on him, but then I accidentally made him throw up his own lunch." She watched with guilt as said Vomit Boy reached the trash can at last. "I'm Pyrrha Nikos, by the way. Its a pleasure to make both of your acquaintances."

She briefly shook hands with Blake and Ruby out of common courtesy.

"I'm Ruby Rose," she felt obligated to give her name. Pyrrha was so polite that it was infectious. "So why did the ship shake earlier? Do either of you know-"

"Unbelievable!" came a shrill voice. "Do you have any idea how dangerous Dust is? And do you have any idea how long it took for me to get that off of my clothes? Watch where you're going, stupid!"

They looked into the next room to see a white haired girl screaming at a really ugly guy with a green mohawk. She flicked her pony tail behind her and stormed off, leaving the room to enter theirs. She dragged her luggage behind her, all sixty-four cases of god knows what.

"Should I trip her?" Ruby asked quietly as the crabby white haired girl approached. "Is she a bully too?"

"Yes, you should definitely do that," Blake whispered back. She hid her face behind a book and pretended to act inconspicuous as Ruby then tripped the probably-bully.

The girl fell face first onto the ground, her suitcases tumbling on top of her and blocking the doorway so no one else could pass through. Her hand twitched from under the mountain of luggage. Cautiously, they all backed away.

As they backed away, someone else came forward.

"Yang?" Ruby observed as her sister crept up to the pile, snatched two random cases, and left.

Great, she's stealing stuff again, Ruby thought with a face palm. She hoped Yang wouldn't do that at Beacon.

"Ahh, okay, I'm better!" Vomit Boy called out. He glanced at Armored Asshat, who was still pinned to the wall and scared of Pyrrha. Not knowing this student had been chasing him for a good eight or so minutes, he merely shrugged, took the spear (the bully scrambled to get away, jumping out the already broken window to escape Pyrrha) and returned it to its owner.

"Thank you Jaune," Pyrrha smiled as she took back her weapon. "I trust you're not nauseous anymore?"

"I'm alright- I just... Threw up my entire lunch," he laughed nervously.

"I'm glad I was able to help." Pyrrha had no idea that helping was the exact opposite of what she had done.

"Yeah, Uh, help..." he began to scoot away from her, now standing as far as he could without offending her. "Speaking of helping, shouldn't we help Frosted Flakes** over there?" he gestured to the pile.

The girl with the suitcases tried to escape the mess she was trapped under. She gave up after a while though, figuring someone would give her a helping hand eventually.

"Jaune, think about what you just said there," Pyrrha sighed. "Frosted Flakes? Really?"

"Well... She has a snow flake symbol! Isn't that code for Frosted Flake cereal?"

They all laughed.

"Haha, so, why are we laughing?" he didn't get the joke.

"..." They didn't bother explaining it to him.

"I guess we should help her now-"

"Nope," Blake cut off Jaune. "Ms. Schnee can help herself."

"Well, we could offer to help," Ruby said. She was starting to feel bad.

"No, no. Trust me." Blake really didn't want them to assist Ms. Schnee. "Those suitcases are her responsibility. We're doing her a favor."

That said, the group turned their backs to poor (again, not really) Frosted Flakes and all decided to awkwardly stare out the window in silence.

"Hey, isn't anyone going to help me?" called out Frosted Flakes. "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

They didn't help her. And they didn't call Life Alert, either.

However, they weren't even given a chance to (not) do those things. The ship was shaking again, and this time it wasn't because of any dust-related explosions.

"What's going on?" Frosted Flakes shouted from beneath her luggage. "Did Brussel Sprouts touch my dust again?"

"My name is Russel Thrush!" the student corrected her angrily.

"Wow, no one cares," Frosted Flakes was probably rolling her eyes.

The two continued to bicker as the ship shook. Ruby didn't listen much longer as she went to find her older sister. She didn't see Yang anywhere, and the absence of her presence made Ruby think that perhaps her sister was involved with this somehow.

Excusing herself from the group, Ruby went to go look for Yang. First she checked the bathroom; girls liked to go to the bathroom, right? She was probably there...

But as Ruby wandered to the ladies' bathroom, her new friends were approached by the very person she was searching for.

"Hey guys," she waved to catch their attention, turning off her Super Saiyan mode before they could notice. "Ruby went by herself to the bathroom! We ladies need to back her up!"

Upon hearing that a girl was alone in the bathroom without her friends, every girl including Frosted Flakes and her luggage plus Jaune scrambled to the ladies room to make sure such a tragedy did not occur. Because for whatever reason, girls were never supposed to go to the bathroom alone. Doing so was breaking some sort of social norm that young women around the world had established, and apparently everyone but Ruby was aware of this.

"Don't worry little girl, we got you covered!" Jaune shouted as he slid dramatically into the ladies room despite being a male. "Who hurt you, Ruby? We'll beat them up!"

"Do you need a tissue?" Pyrrha shoved Jaune aside, unintentionally pushing him into the wall and ruining his dramatic entrance. "I'm sorry!" she called over her shoulder, but she too was pushed along by the crowd of girls rushing to make sure that their fellow female was okay.

"Does she need a makeover?" Frosted Flakes called out, frantically scavenging her luggage for beauty products. "I have makeup!"

The young women swarmed Ruby, who had only gone into the bathroom to find her sister. Yang was satisfied with the state of things, and left to do something similar to the guys.

"Hey everyone!" she shouted to the remaining guys. "There's a nerd in the bathroom who needs a wedgie! You better get him quick before he escapes!"

The guys massed into a mob and surged into the men's bathroom to find to made-up nerd. Yang waited until they were gone before she made her way to where the pilots were.

"-yes, the ship is on fire!" the pilot was shouting into the communicator. "We're preparing to evacuate the students, but-"

"OH NO, LOOK OUT!" Yang screamed.

The staff ducked instinctively and Yang took her chance. She smashed the controls, making sure that there would be no way for anyone to pilot it.

It's time for this ship to sink, she smirked to herself in satisfaction as she ran off to join the other girls in the bathroom.

"Guys, the pilots are dead," she lied. "The ship is sinking and we need to get out of here!"

There was a moment of silence. Then:

"OH MY GOD WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

The loud screaming of the girls alerted the guys in the other nearby bathroom, causing mass panic as the air ship plummeted to the ground below. Yang however remained calm, preparing herself for impact.

She really hated ships. Especially when she was put in them with people she barely knew, or people she knew too well. It was even worse being in a ship with family! It wasn't just weird; it was wrong. For that reason, this ship had to burn both metaphorically and physically.

She had no regrets.

Except when the air ship began to crash towards the nearby Emerald Forest. Ozpin, who had gone to water his precious coffee bean trees, screamed in terror as he saw the flaming ship coming his (and the coffee bean trees') way.

"Glynda, do something!" he shouted while jumping over his precious plants to protect them from harm. "Don't let that ship crash here!"

Glynda rolled her eyes. She didn't do anything.

"Peter! Peter Port!" Ozpin called for the rotund professor. "Do something!"

Peter chuckled heartily. "Sure thing, Professor!"

Unconcerned for the students' safety, Peter swung his axe at the crashing ship, altering its trajectory entirely while ignoring the laws of physics. Supposedly the applied force of one measly axe was enough to effect and change the course of a mega-ton ship falling at its terminal velocity.

Ozpin sighed in relief as the ship crashed elsewhere, while students and staff jumped out windows before they could be finished off along with the aircraft. No harm was dealt to his precious coffee bean plants, it seemed. And he only had to keep this up for- what, three or four years? Then again, the plants were magical. Who knew how long it would take for them to grow and mature.

"Don't worry my beautiful coffee plants, I won't let the mean students hurt you," he whispered to the budding green plants. "And soon I will have my coffee..."

"Oh yes, didn't the entire city run out? There's been a thief sneaking about, stealing our caffeine," Peter interrupted Ozpin's delusional muttering. "It looks like you'll have to pull yourself together for the meanwhile, sir. We won't have coffee for the next two months!"

Two months.

Two.

Months.

With no... coffee.

He was going to have to hunt down this madman (or possibly woman) himself. Someone had to give closure to those effected by these atrocities!

"Glynda, put the students through initiation right away," Ozpin told her as he got up from the ground. "I have to attend to something important now."

"But sir-" Glynda tried to voice her opinion.

Ozpin wasn't going to hear it. "I'll give my speech right now. I don't care if the students hear me or not; it's their decision whether or not to listen."

Glynda looked at the airship burning in the distance. The students were making their way towards them whether they knew it or not, but there was no way in the world they were going to hear Ozpin rambling from where they were. That meant she would have to recite the gist of his speech as soon as possible; she wasn't going to bother coming up with her own for when they got here. And she supposed they may as well begin the test...

She then directed her attention to the headmaster, who was suffering from coffee withdrawal and was completely out of his mind. He stood by the launching pads, giving his speech to students who weren't even there.

"I look among you, and all I see is wasted energy," Ozpin began. "Energy you could be using worshiping the coffee gods!" he snapped.

Glynda sighed. Someone needed to get that man some caffeine.

"You assume knowledge will free you of this, but you will find that you're all wrong and I'm right," Ozpin continued much to her embarrassment. "It is up to you to take the first step into the world of coffee. You must all get jobs harvesting my coffee bean plants and I expect fourteen tons of coffee beans on the doorstep to my office every morning, otherwise you're all useless. That is all."

Peter and Glynda watched in dismay as Ozpin ended his speech to complain about the non-existent students.

"Jeez, it's like they weren't even there!" he complained. Then he seemed to remember something, and rushed back on 'stage.' "Also the Emerald Forest floor is lava, so don't you dare touch those beautiful plants growing on the ground!"

With that, Ozpin left to go God-knows where. As he exited, the students emerged from the forest and stumbled across Glynda and Peter.

"Initiation time!" Glynda called out. "I hope you all have landing strategies!"

"Landing strategies?" the student Jaune Arc echoed as he stepped onto one of the launching pads.

Glynda didn't repeat herself. "Find the relics. Also, the floor is lava. Don't touch it, otherwise you will be expelled."

Jaune nervously looked at the Emerald Forest before them. Beside him, Pyrrha Nikos promised it would be okay and she would just pin him to a tree to prevent him from being kicked out of Beacon.

Ruby Rose, the girl from the interrogation, stepped onto one of the launching pads. Glynda shook her head and motioned for her to get off.

"No Ms. Rose, you will not be taking the test a second time." Because the first attempt resulted in Glynda nearly being burned alive by one Yang Xiao Long. She didn't want to imagine what might happen in a second test. "Get off the launching pad; we'll give you a different assignment."

"Can I help her?" Jaune questioned.

Glynda narrowed her eyes. "No."

She signaled for the launch-pad operator to activate Mr. Arc's pad, sending him flying helplessly into the sky.

Yang cracked her knuckles and stepped forward. "Can I help Ruby?" she asked 'innocently' as flames began to appear around her.

"... Yes, go ahead," Glynda was quick to give the bad-tempered blonde approval. "We'll just put you on your sister's team."

Yang rejoiced. "Hooray!"

Blake Belladonna and Weiss Schnee looked at Glynda hopefully. Feeling as if they might accuse her of playing favorites, Glynda allowed them to join the sisters on their new assignment.

As for everyone else, she launched them into the forest before they could ask. Problem solved. She glanced at her watch, wondering if it was break time.

"Uh- Ms. Goodwitch? Or Mrs?" Weiss cleared her throat.

Glynda was disappointed to find that it wasn't her break yet. "What?"

Weiss briefly surveyed her new teammates and tried not to grimace. "About our new assignment," she began, "what exactly are we supposed to do?"

Glynda pointed after the retreating back of Headmaster Ozpin. "Find that man some coffee."

"Oh," Weiss sighed in relief, "well that seems easy enough."

As the four left to begin their quest for coffee, Glynda felt no pity for them. She didn't tell the recently-formed team that they would likely have to travel to the next city over to find the requested beverage. No, she told them absolutely nothing.

It was about time that someone else understood her pain.

._.

*Armored Asshat = Cardin Winchester. It's his nickname on the RWBY forums.

**Frosted Flakes = That's a cereal, and Weiss's nickname instead of Snow Angel. Because if you ask me, it's funnier that way. I'm not exactly shipping those two together...

Brussel Sprouts= I haven't seen anyone call Russel Thrush this, but they totally should.

By the way. This is crack and I know so far the viewers don't have a problem with that, but I think I might need to elaborate more for future reference (or for anyone looking for pointers). Characters have a tendency to act OOC in parodies. When you're writing a parody, sometimes that's one of the main points, but the characters shouldn't act too immature or all the same (the only exception being if it is plot-relevant to your story). You have to balance character behavior but yes, you are allowed to point out their flaws obnoxiously. Same goes for plot holes but I think that's universally understood.