Note: This chapter gets long. Be prepared for a lot text up ahead. But because this chapter involves the color green, I wasn't allowed to get creative with it.
Reference anyone?
._.
After getting lost sixteen times within Vale, Professor Ozpin managed to return to his office at last. He had no clue where he had been for the past few days; in fact, he had blanked out for the majority of his absence. Though he was pretty sure he had wandered through some Red Light district some time along the way. When he had found his way back to Beacon and realized that he miraculously survived for more than an hour without coffee (this surprised him- who knew such a feat was even possible?), he had found himself in the possession of several phone cards with distasteful lipstick kiss marks right next to names such as "Madam 'Le Brest'" and "Candy" and "Chastity."
Like any other sane man would, he bunched up these cards and threw them in the trash where they belonged. Who needed hookers when there was coffee? Everything that wasn't coffee or coffee-related was useless.
At that thought, Ozpin remembered that he had no more coffee and paused in his work. Then he looked down at his desk where an overwhelming amount of paperwork had piled up in his leave.
The majority of the papers involved the students who were now attending his school. He still had to do that stupid speech in the auditorium where he announced the teams. But technically, he didn't have to do the speech because the initiation wasn't really over yet; eight (minus one, as the student had already gone through the Emerald Forest) of the students had not finished their tasks, which... weren't actually part of the original mission. It was more like Glynda had given four of them some pointless quest that would never be accomplished, and then not cared as the other four students just did their own thing because they were bored. But whatever Glynda did it was probably because she didn't want to have to deal with the paperwork involved until later.
He understood that. He too hated paperwork; it was the very bane of his existence. Some times he pretended that he was a carrot in the kitchen pantry just so he could delay signing paper after paper. Once he managed to stake out in some cabinet as a "potato" for two days straight, feasting off of the food within until he was discovered by a very angry chef.
That definitely hadn't been a good day. Not only had he been yelled at by the chef, but in the two days he ditched work a lot of stuff happened. It just so happened that of all days, the students finally revolted against the teaching method at Beacon as it had been (amongst the student body) unanimously agreed upon as unorthodox and dangerous. That had forced Ozpin to put an end to the "anything can happen so be prepared" thing he had going on.
What a shame. It had seemed like the most effective way to ready his students for the real world. Even if the students had been scared out of their minds as their classmates were ejected from their classrooms to go blasting off into outer space by the rockets he had installed underneath the seats, even if there had been several lawsuits filed against the school by the students who were attacked by rabid animals during passing periods, and even if Ozpin himself pushed a couple of students out of aircrafts at 30,000 feet in the air, he was trying to help them! And what does he get in return? He was given a room full of paperwork and a mob outside of the school demanding either his head or his money.
The memories of that terrible week were enough to piss him off to the point where he snapped. Without even thinking of the consequences, he shoved all of the paper off of his desk and flipped over his desk. He didn't care; there was no coffee! There was no reason to do anything. His students complained about him, the staff he employed were probably plotting to kill him (likely harboring a murderous hate for him right after their so-called trust), and also his dentist had advised that he put an end to his drinking. Everything sucked. He should go to the nearest bar like any other man under extreme stress, and proceed to get high on caffeine if there was any left. Because if he didn't, he was afraid he might do something crazy while sober. And not the good and or hilarious kind of crazy.
Thus the headmaster went on strike. He shoved the table into the corner to create a fort of protection, stepping behind the barricade as he pretended he was in a place that actually had caffeine. He tried to picture himself with a mug in his hand, and that he could smell the drink just inches away from his face. However it was difficult to imagine such a scenario when there was no more coffee in the region. And what little was left, according to Peter Port, was quickly running out.
So screw work! If there was no motivation, there was no progress. He refused to do his job any longer. Ozpin may as well become a criminal and go rob the nearby Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts if this was how things were going to be.
As he considered actually doing so, the door to his office creaked open. A sluggish and extremely exhausted teacher by the name of Bartholomew Oobleck stuck his head through the opening to catch his attention. Seconds later after making himself known, he cut straight to the chase by showing his employer an empty coffee mug.
"Just do it," he weakly moaned.
Finally, a reason that will justify me robbing a coffee shop! Ozpin was suddenly grateful that he hired a teacher whose life literally depended on the caffeine he drank.
"Well, it looks I have no choice," Ozpin nodded to himself wisely as he stood up from his fort of protection. The supply closet door was missing (the wood had been used to board the windows earlier), so he walked straight into the small room to retrieve his deadly firearms and ammunition. Pulling a ski mask over his face, he adjusted his grip on his gun and patted poor Bartholomew on the back as he exited. "Don't worry Dr. Oobleck, I'll get you your coffee. It may possibly land me a minimum of five years in jail for armed robbery or possibly a life sentence depending on the charges, but I'm not too familiar with the justice system in Vale so I don't know." He paused at that. "Wait, do we even have a judicial system here?"
Dr. Oobleck slumped against the wall, and by the time he was on the floor he had curled up into fetal position due to violent coffee withdrawal. Feeling bad for his employee, Ozpin decided to take him with on the hunt. Since he was already carrying dangerous firearms and other contraband that could get him very easily arrested if discovered, he was forced to drag Bartholomew by his ankles across the hallway and down several sets of painful stairs.
He may as well bring the man with. The sooner he got his fellow addict his coffee fix, the better for everyone. And by everyone he meant no one. Because screw everyone; they were all mean to him anyways.
._.
Ruby found herself standing in line to a popular and equally crowded cafe. Standing in line with her were Blake Belladonna and Weiss Schnee, her new teammates and somewhat friends. Yang would have been with her to help her with the awkward silence between them, but her sister had claimed she had to go do something more productive. Dismissing the lie because she would have probably done the same if she could, Ruby stayed with these two completely opposite girls.
The girl with the white hair tied in a sideways ponytail was stuck-up, a perfectionist, and Heiress to the Frosted Flakes Company (whatever it was called). She spent more time filing her nails than she did trying to strike a conversation with either Ruby or the other girl.
The other girl, the one with long black hair and a large bow, was very quiet. Occasionally she would glance up with her yellow eyes from her book (the title read: Ninjas of Love. Was that... was Blake reading a smut?) to see if the line was moving, but otherwise she didn't care for even small talk.
If it weren't for the mission they had been assigned, none of them would even be in the same room as each other. Ruby grimaced after yet another failed attempt at team-building. She had tried to ask if they could see the menu from where they stood, which was actually outside the cafe. Ever since that thief started running around the city and for whatever reason chose to steal everyone's coffee, places like Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts had become crowded as citizens gathered to get their morning joe.
But as the consumer demand increased, so did the price of their favorite beverages. This didn't effect Ruby so she was unable to relate to everyone else. She drank milk in the mornings and ate a plate full of cookies, but that was just her. She didn't see what the problem here was. Couldn't these people just wait the two months and try to apprehend the culprit in the meantime?
With a sigh, Ruby sat down on the sidewalk where the line formed outside of the cafe. Her teammates looked at her and then through the windows. Inside, the workers were all on their phones texting and taking selfies. It was clear that they weren't going to be getting in any time soon. The team- minus Yang- sat down together on the curb.
"This sucks," Weiss spoke at last. "We're never going to get that coffee!"
Blake set down her book to respond, closing it without caring about bookmarking the page. "There isn't even anything entertaining to do here. Why are we doing this again?"
Weiss glanced at the cover of Blake's reading material. "You have a book," she frowned, "how can you possibly get bored?"
"Well," she broke eye contact nervously, her face turning slightly red. "It's... not as good as the book I read on my way here."
Ruby saw a chance to immerse herself into the conversation and took her chance.
"What were you reading?" she questioned before the topic could change. "I saw you finish that book really quick on the way here and I was wondering if it was good."
She also had no idea where the aforementioned book had gone off to. Their luggage had supposedly been taken care of by Beacon staff and transported to their dorms, leaving them empty-handed for the most part. Maybe Blake had concealed the book using the bow in her hair; as silly as it was, that... was really one big hair ornament. It had to be hiding something.
Or maybe it was just a really big bow. Ruby didn't know; was this important? If anything was questionable about Blake, it was her amber/yellow eyes. Was that normal? Then again, Yang had purple eyes, so maybe it was. People had really weird eye colors around here. Also, that Ninjas of Love book. Was it, or was it not a smut? Ruby was starting to become curious.
"It was about a man with two souls in his body," Blake answered, fixing the bow on her head when she saw Ruby staring at it. "Basically, he's batshit crazy."
"EVERYONE, MOVE THE **** OUT OF MY WAY!" shouted a male voice further down the street. The crowd began to part according to the order, and anyone who didn't comply was shoved into the busy road where cars screeched to a halt to avoid hitting the victims of the psychopath.
"Like that?" Weiss asked as another poor unfortunate soul was pushed to the side and nearly killed.
"Yes," Blake nodded, "like that."
At that moment a man passed by, dragging a body by the ankles behind him. The trio watched this person quickly pull on a ski mask while complaining about how hot it was, catching glimpse of short and familiar silver hair. Ruby got up, recognizing the man as he shoved his way through the crowd and stormed into the same establishment they were waiting to enter. The body he dragged across the floor followed him in, bumping against the corner of the doorway several times before getting in.
Uh oh, Ruby thought. What was the headmaster doing with a dead body? Did something happen? She left her new teammates in line outside as she went after him. They went back to whatever they had been doing before as soon as she left. Through her peripheral vision she could see Blake return to reading and Weiss painting her nails. Ruby snorted and rolled her eyes. Typical.
By the time she got past the civilians and stepped inside the crowded cafe, it was too late for her to prevent the deranged and coffee-deprived headmaster of Beacon Academy from announcing his presence by firing his gun at the ceiling.
"Oh my god," Ruby felt her jaw nearly drop. It was official; Ozpin was crazy and she didn't want to go to his school anymore.
Pretending that she wasn't there, Ruby pulled up her hood and started to text someone-anyone for help.
Hey Yang there's stuff to steal come quick, she lied and sent the message. That would surely have her running back over. To be safe, she texted that guy from the airship. Hopefully he could get his team (if he formed one yet) to come with and help her out of this.
Jaune are you busy? she asked. Like all other teenagers at any given point in time, chances were that his phone was in his hands already.
Seconds later Jaune the Vomit Boy texted back. No but what's up
At the front, Ozpin pointed his gun at the employee behind the counter. "WHERE THE **** IS THE COFFEE?" he roared, dropping the body of the person he had been dragging around. "WELL?"
The headmaster just snapped and he's robbing the cafe I'm in. He looks like he's about to explode. pls help, she requested, and put her phone away. Even though she didn't want to do this, she had to stop Ozpin before he harmed anyone, like that guy with the green hair who was lying on the ground. He had dragged himself over to the corner to die peacefully.
Ruby wasn't actually sure if Ozpin had been responsible for that. But whatever the case he was involved somehow, and she had to stop him.
There was only one way to do this. Ruby snuck around the customers who weren't paying attention to the crime at hand. They seemed unconcerned, all too occupied with their mobile devices. Even the employee at the front wasn't paying much attention to Ozpin, despite the threat that he posed. It was up to her to let them know of the danger they were in.
As Ozpin fired at the wall, demanding coffee but not getting any, Ruby made sure to remain undetected. And then, when he let down his guard, Ruby tackled him down while shouting "Look out, it's a bee! A really BIG bee!"
The occupants of the room fell dead silent the moment they heard the word "bee." Customers ceased what they were doing on their phones immediately, eyes widened before chaos erupted.
"OH THE HUMANITY!" someone screamed, "WE HAVE A NUDIST IN HERE!"
"A nudist?" Ruby echoed. She got off of the professor's back and stood, looking for the supposed "nudist" She didn't see anyone with their pants or tops removed. But she did see a teenager who had his pants down way too low, exposing his boxers underneath. Maybe they were panicking because of the guy with saggy pants.
Whether he was the cause or not, the customers and employees all rushed the nearest exit. They began trampling each other in the process. Ruby wondered why they were so panicked over a nudist.
Weiss and Blake, having heard the commotion and finally decided to do something about it, crashed through the cafe's window to help.
"Hey, what's going on in here?" Weiss called over to Ruby, who was asking Mr. Saggy Pants to pull up his jeans.
Ruby glared.
"Okay, let me get this straight," her eyes narrowed and behind her, Mr. Saggy Pants evacuated the establishment. On the floor, Ozpin had snuck around the counter and was raiding the cabinets for coffee. She ignored him for the moment so she could berate her teammates for not doing anything this entire time. "While the headmaster was firing his gun, you two were sitting outside and didn't even bother to- I don't know, call the police like any sensible person would do when they hear gunshots?"
Guiltily, Weiss broke eye contact and Blake pretended not to hear what Ruby was saying. Not done yet, the youngest of the group went further on her lecture.
As Ruby did exactly that, Weiss began to whisper over to Blake. "So what was all that commotion about a really big D?" *
Blake shrugged. "I think it was some sort of misunderstanding."
Weiss let the subject go and looked over to Ozpin, who had taken off his ski mask and was filling it with the coffee beans he discovered. She took out her phone, considering dialing the police.
"Do you think we'll be expelled if we report him?" she asked. "I mean, he is the headmaster..."
"No I'm not," Ozpin lied, pulling the coffee-bean filled ski mask over his head to conceal his identity. "I'm not Professor Ozpin."
"Yes you are," Weiss said dryly.
"Nu-uh," he continued with his charade, "my name is Roman Torchwick, and I'm a very dangerous criminal. Don't approach me, because I might randomly throw an explosive at you and miss like I did in the first episode!"
The two girls watched as Professor Ozpin went back to stealing from the coffee shop, ignoring his students' presence. They had no idea what he meant by "first episode" but they assumed that was just him going crazy. A few feet away Ruby had gone red in the face, equally crazy and out of character. They began to wonder just what the hell was going on in Vale for everyone to suddenly lose their sanity.
"Doesn't Torchwick have orange hair?" Blake folded her arms, unimpressed with Ozpin's imitation of the villain.
"Nonsense, you can't see my hair!" Ozpin fixed the mask on his head, precious coffee beans spilling out and onto the floor. "Now leave me be, I have to empty this store of all its caffeine- I mean DUST. Or candy." He thought about this as he filled a bag with store products, even grabbing the small treats at the register. "I forgot that I have to stay in-character when I'm LARPing. Yes, this is Dust and not coffee."
"Wait-" Blake was suddenly confused. "So are you doing Live Action Role Play, or are you actually going crazy from coffee withdrawal and are trying to avoid getting arrested?"
Ozpin didn't answer that.
Meanwhile Ruby had fainted, completely stressed out by the madness condensed into this one small cafe. Seeing that this had gone on for too long, Weiss made up her mind and reported Ozpin to the police. She motioned for Blake to make sure that the girl with the red cape was still breathing.
After reporting this incident and on-going robbery to the proper authorities, Weiss ended the call and looked disapprovingly at the headmaster.
"I hope this was worth it, sir," she said as he went on with his robbery. "If you ask me, coffee isn't even that great."
"Blasphemy!" Ozpin cried from behind the counter. "Ms. Schnee, that is three weeks worth of detention!"
Weiss's eyes widened as surprise and then confusion crossed her face. "What? Why?" She was shocked by the professor's reaction to such a simple opinion. Just how bad was this man addicted to caffeine?
"Coffee isn't just a beverage," Ozpin told her. "It is a way of life- MY way of life, and you just insulted it!" he pointed at her accusingly. He stepped over the counter and marched to the broken window. "Also, you ratted me out to the authorities," he explained. He turned to the broken window and shouted out into the streets: "Everyone, what do we say about snitches?"
Unanimously they answered, "Snitches are bitches who get stitches."
Weiss didn't deign to respond to that. Close by, Blake had picked up Ruby and was carrying the passed out girl on her back.
"Let's just wait outside," she pinched the bridge of her nose, too exhausted to deal with everyone else's nonsense right now. "The police will take care of things from here."
With that, Weiss went out the door with Blake and Ruby, choosing to sit back down on the curb while they waited for things to be sorted out. She wasn't worried about the headmaster hurting anyone, and neglected normal lockdown procedures that required them to get to a safer place instead of lingering by the danger zone. Logic and security bedamned.
The blonde huntress from the initiation arrived at the store to solve the problem about fifteen minutes later. Weiss sighed as Glynda Goodwitch started shouting at Ozpin to pull himself together, as Ozpin insisted that he was in fact Roman Torchwick.
Bored and wanting to get on with her life, Weiss tried to distract herself with her own thoughts in the mean time. What exactly would she have to do for detention, anyways? Being a near-perfect student, she had never even been to a detention in her life before. She hoped this three-week punishment wouldn't be too bad.
And then the girl with the tendency to set on fire came back. What was her name- Yang? She waved with an expression almost too cheerful, a group of four students trailing behind her. She recognized most of them from the airship on the way to Beacon.
"Woah, looks like things got out of control here!" Yang whistled, looking at the broken window with a grimace as Glynda shouted at Ozpin from inside. "So where is the loot?"
"Inside," Blake pointed at the cafe. "You'll have to fight the headmaster for the goods, though."
"Oh," Yang said. "Well..." she looked back at the group following her. "You guys said Ruby needed help? What was that about?" she addressed the young man with blond hair and blue eyes. "Jaune, you got a text from her right?"
"Yeah," Jaune clarified, showing her the text to prove his claim. "It looks like she's fine now though," he nodded at Ruby, who was sleeping on Blake's back comfortably. "Oh- and thanks for helping us get out of that forest by the way! I thought we would be able to leave, but it was hard to exit when we couldn't touch the floor."
Yang smiled as Blake and Weiss looked on in disbelief. They found it hard to believe that Yang had actually been doing something productive; they had just assumed she was just ditching.
"No problem," Yang told the four. "I was over there anyways because I was, uh-" she stopped herself. "Well, I was getting a change of clothes!" she began to laugh nervously. "I wasn't doing anything suspicious at all."
Weiss was about to say that everything about that last statement was eyebrow-raising, but a body went flying out of the already-broken store window. Ozpin managed to land safely with a large amount of stolen coffee products crammed into a bag he was carrying. The door flung open and Glynda came out (being passed by a familiar green flash), but she was too late as the headmaster of Beacon Academy had made his escape by foot. She tore off her cape and stomped on it petulantly, ready to tear off all of her hair as Professor Ozpin disappeared.
The eight (minus one) students shared a look, and silently agreed that it was best to leave Glynda on her own.
"So," Yang drawled to the other team, "you guys said you were looking for a volcano?..."
._.
"No, I am NOT looking for or interested in buying a green hat or suit!" Roman Torchwick angrily growled into his cellphone. "Stop calling me and asking stupid questions! I don't have any money anyways."
On the other end, the caller attempted to convince him to buy regardless. "Look, we have really good deals! We can figure out something that works with your budget." There was a pause, and then: "We can also give you a leprechaun's discount-"
"Junior, for the LAST time, I am NOT A LEPRECHAUN!" Roman shouted into the receiver. "Why does everyone call me that? Is it because my hair is orange and I wear a funny hat?"
"Hey, don't ask me," Junior tried to steer away from the subject, "I don't know Jack." **
Roman paused, staring at his map of Vale while he tried to calm himself down. But something about that last few words sounded funny. "What did you say?" he narrowed his eyes, "You just said something... funny just then. Was that a joke?"
"No, not at all!" Junior defended himself. "It's just an expression. I think you need to relax."
"I think that I should hang up right now," Roman snapped, "Goodbye."
And so he did.
Now without anything to do, Roman sat down at his desk and continued to stare at the map hung up on the wall. Then he grabbed a marker from his desk and began to doodle on the map, but that wasn't enough.
God he was bored. Wasn't there anything to do around here?
He stared at the paper for a long time, arms crossed with a blank expression on his face. Then he remembered that there was indeed something that he could do that was both fun and useful.
Briefly leaving the room to go find his intended source of entertainment, Roman searched for those darts he bought a while ago. When he did find them, he returned to the planning room to begin playing.
Since normal darts was no fun, he kept a hand over his eyes and took aim. The first one that hit the map would be his next target. There were just so many places to cause hell, and so little time. So why not just pick a random target and hope it wasn't in the middle of the ocean?
Opening his eyes, he found that the dart had actually landed in a body of water. He tried a second time without restricting his vision.
Somehow the dart completely missed the map and went flying out of a window. Roman didn't know how that had happened, but he blamed it on a gust of wind that he didn't feel. Yes, although the windows and doors had all been closed at the time, it must have been the air. Or maybe it was a ghost? No, that didn't make sense. Neither of those explanations made sense. His aiming was just rusty.
He tried a third time. Third was the charm, surely.
But as though the laws of physics were no longer in effect, the third dart strayed from its original path halfway to its destination and shot up towards the ceiling. The dart broke one of the dim lights illuminating the room, sending glass falling to the floor.
Curse you Isaac Newton! Your first law of motion is useless! He thought as he pocketed the defective darts. Weren't objects supposed to resist changes in motion unless acted upon by outside forces?
At any rate, Roman didn't launch a fourth dart. He approached the map because apparently science was broken today. Quickly choosing his target by a game of eeny meeny miny moe (or however the hell it was spelled), his finger stopped again on the the ocean.
"This place is possessed," he deadpanned, and at last gave up with his scheming for the day. He was about to leave the room, but saw that the window from earlier was wide open. He didn't recall opening or having any visitors.
"Ergo draco maledicte et omnis legio diabolica adjuramus te..."
Oh no.
"... cessa decipere humanas creaturas, eisque aeternae Perditionis venenum propinare! -"
Oh hell no.
Was that crazy old shopkeeper still following him? Roman looked around and saw lines of salt on the ledges of the window and at the door. He swore and reclaimed the darts from the map, ready to use them for self defense if it came down to it.
Knowing it was only a matter of time before the old man caught up with him, Roman abandoned the planning room to make his escape. He headed towards the garage, hoping that there was at least one decent vehicle left for him to use.
He glanced over his shoulder several times, swearing that he could hear the chanting following behind him. There was no one in the hallway behind him, but the voice seemed to be getting louder.
Hurrying to make his getaway, he didn't bother to lock the door he entered through. But as he flipped the nearby light switch, he saw that the garage was empty. There were no escape vehicles left.
"Vade, Satana, inventor et magister omnis fallaciae, hostis humanae salutis!"
No no no, there had to be something in here he could use to get away from this insufferable prick. He desperately rummaged through the boxes packed along the walls, looking for anything that could help.
He found just that one thing in the very corner, covered with cobwebs and pushed against the wall by other boxes as if someone had tried to hide it. In his panic, he grabbed the object despite understanding why someone would try to do such a thing.
As the source of the shouting came closer, Roman Torchwick swore and opened the garage door.
He was going to regret this.
._.
"That was one nice volcano," Nora giggled as the group of eight wandered the streets of Vale. "I liked the part where it exploded and killed all of the dinosaurs!" she cheered, being the only one of her peers who was energetic at this time.
"Nora," Ren spoke up, "that wasn't..." he didn't bother finishing that correction, too tired to go on.
He would have said that the "dinosaurs" were actually the Grimm, and that only one had died. It hadn't even died because of the volcano; Nora had pushed it in and watched it burn to death, much to everyone else's horror.
At least they had found the volcano by the end of the day. They hadn't even known there were any in the area, but lo and behold: a volcano just a little far off from Vale. Having found the volcano, Pyrrha, Jaune, Nora and Ren declared their mission over. Ever since, the other four had followed them around but none of them bothered to return to Beacon.
Ruby had woken up a little after they arrived back in the city. As she was more awake than the others, she continued the conversation. "It sounds like you guys had one heck of an adventure while I was out."
The others trailed behind them sluggishly. They were all worn out, despite having (on Nora's suggestion) hijacked a vehicle and returned by car instead of foot. That had been two hours ago, but they had spent the time since walking around with no direction or purpose. Ruby felt a little bad for them and considered finding a place to rest, but it was getting late and she didn't know if these people even lived in this area.
She considered asking if they wanted to crash at one of their places, or if they should just go to the school and get it over with already. As it had been a few days since Initiation began, surely everyone else had formed their teams and were attending classes already. She didn't know how those things worked so she assumed that was the case.
Before she could ask however, they began to hear angry shouting further down the street. Nora stopped giggling and shared a look with Ruby, unsure if they should check it out. Their friends and teammates meanwhile shuffled behind as though they were the undead, and seemed to not notice the disturbance.
"Should we see if we can help?" Ruby frowned and tried to see past the crowd. The shouting was unintelligible from where they were, but it sure was loud.
Nora thought about it. "Maybe!" she shrugged. "We will get candy if we do?"
Ren looked like he wanted to say something, but was too exhausted to speak. Ruby would have translated for him, but she wasn't psychic nor could she read his expression very well.
Up ahead, the crowd suddenly parted to make way for something that the group wasn't prepared for.
"What- what is that?" Jaune exclaimed, terrified.
What "that" was, was a man on a unicycle. He wasn't just any man- no, he was the nefarious criminal Roman Torchwick.
And he, Roman Torchwick, was riding a unicycle.
Pyrrha, being the protective one of the group, grabbed her nearest friends and covered their eyes. Jaune and Ruby were covered by her as she then threw her shield to Yang, shouting, "Don't make eye contact with him, children, you'll catch his stupidity!" As she pulled both Jaune and Ruby closer to her for their own good, Yang hid behind Pyrrha's shield to avoid looking at the madman. "You are both too precious for this world to by scarred by such sights," she said almost too dramatically.
Nora tilted her head as she watched an old man come along, immediately identifying him as the source of the shouting. The two took their chase out into the streets with Roman unicycling away, while the pursuer chanted latin verses and sprinkled holy water at him.
"What's he doing?" she pointed at the unicycling criminal.
"Ren!" Pyrrha shouted to catch said student's attention. "Protect your childhood sweetheart's vision from this terror- I only have two hands!"
Ren did so and addressed Nora's earlier inquiry. "Don't look, Nora, it's just a drunk man. We don't want him setting bad examples for the younger generations."
As this occurred, Weiss rolled her eyes and Blake was already looking away. The two pretended that this wasn't a thing that was happening, and proceeded to do their own things while they waited for the farce to end.
Roman Torchwick dodged several vehicles in the streets while trying to stay balanced on his unicycle. The cars all tried to move around him, but then Yang walked into the middle of the street and caused further mayhem on the road. She snuck up on the criminal using Pyrrha's shield, and when she got close enough, she kicked the unicycle out from under him and stole it.
Yang ran off with the loot, and Roman stumbled as he got up. The old man was closing in on him, and he scrambled to get away, accidentally falling into a bush in his failed escape.
The group observed Roman as he swore repeatedly. However, he paused in getting back to his feet, freezing as he noticed something ahead of him.
"The hell?" they heard him blurt out, "What are you doing here?"
Curious, they jaywalked across the street and caused several collisions so they could see who Roman was staring at with such disgust. The old man had stopped as well, surveying the scene and unsure of what to do, probably due to the newcomer.
Hiding within the bushes was none other than Professor Ozpin. The students- save for Jaune and Ruby, as Pyrrha still covered their eyes with her hands- all fell silent, looking down at the man who was trying to hide several small and uprooted plants.
Ozpin shifted in place from where he was trying to remain concealed within the bushes, and coughed into his elbow as everyone stared at him. "Well, this is awkward."
"Why is the headmaster of Beacon Academy sneaking around this late?" the old man questioned what they were all wondering.
"Who?" Ozpin gathered the small plants into his arms and stood, stepping over the bush as he backed away. "I don't know who you're talking about."
Roman stared at the plants. "And why are you uprooting innocent plant life?"
"No reason," Ozpin lied, hiding behind a tree. "Move on with your lives, everyone, there's nothing to see here..."
Clearly something was up though. Ruby was the one to press for further information, even as she tried to remove Pyrrha's hand from her face.
"Professor Ozpin, are you taking my coffee bean trees again? Because I already walked through the Emerald Forest and planted them for you..."
"Wait-" Ren cut in, "again?"
Ruby nodded, and Ren looked between her and the headmaster. He appeared to be very confused, knowing about the coffee addiction but not how extreme it was. Then after some speculation, he said to the professor, "Were you stalking us this entire time?"
Ozpin began to climb the tree to avoid the accusing stares of the group that had formed around him. He wasn't ready for this conversation yet.
"Stalking is such a strong word," he drawled as he moved out of their sight. "I prefer 'intense research of an individual.'"
Yang cracked her knuckles, taking a step forward threateningly. Ozpin, recalling their previous encounter, wisely chose to retreat further into the tree.
"That's called stalking," Blake said rather bluntly.
Ruby tried to defend the professor, as crazy as he currently was in his coffee-deprived state. "I'm sure he monitors all of the students like this. We are still doing the initiation thing-well, technically- while unsupervised."
"It's true," Ozpin called out. "Anyways, we don't have enough money for surveillance cameras so we observe in person."
Ren shook his head. "No, he's definitely been stalking us and collecting those plants."
One of the plants fell to the ground and Ozpin jumped down to make sure it hadn't been harmed. He tried to deny the claims even though the situation didn't look so good for him. "No, I was simply out on a morning walk with Glynda. We were discussing how ungrateful some of the students last year were when they revolted against me and my teaching methods. Right, Glynda?"
Glynda was nowhere to be seen. Ozpin suddenly lost all of his credibility with the group around him.
"Damn it Glynda!" Ozpin shouted, picked up his plant, and rushed off to find better cover. "You're never there when I need you to be!"
Bored with this scene, the old man ignored the headmaster and opened a bottle of holy water, splashing it onto Roman as he shouted: "Humiliare sub potenti manu die, contremisce et effuse, invocato-"
"STOP THAT ALREADY!" Roman roared at the old man. He then pointed at Nora, who waved happily. "If gingers are evil and have no souls, then shouldn't you be exorcising her too?"
The old man narrowed his eyes at the young, orange-haired girl in bright pink clothing. "The devil is strong in that one, he is."
"HI!" Nora waved with even more energy than before. "Are we talking about me?"
"I've tried exorcising that girl, but nothing worked. But as for you!" The old man reached into his pants pocket, revealing a Holy Hand Grenade. "Give me my lucky charms, you darned leprechaun!"
Roman dodged the Holy Hand Grenade and the students moved away as the two began to fight again. "Oh so now I'm a leprechaun, am I? What happened to being a demon? Make up your mind, shopkeeper! I bet you're just pissed because I tried to rob your Dust store."
"Leprechauns are also demons!" the old man shouted.
Roman's eye twitched and he crackled his knuckles, ready to show his pursuer what a fist looked like up close.
"Yeah, that's right," the shopkeeper taunted, "I've seen you and your magical gems! Trying to hide your treasure instead of storing it in a bank like a reasonable man- I know what you are!"
"Say it," Roman ordered threateningly. "Out loud."
"... A leprechaun!" the old man shouted, and from out of no where, produced a Holy Water gun and began to open fire at the alleged Leprechaun/Demon. "And I'm not afraid of you!"
Sympathizing with the criminal, Yang returned the unicycle and let him wheel away as the shop keeper gave chase. Pyrrha finally took her hands off of Ruby and Jaune's eyes, and reclaimed her shield from Yang at last.
With the strange man with the unicycle gone, Pyrrha reassured the group that he wouldn't return and they would be safe from now on (but they would have to move out of the neighborhood), and that she would never let anything harm them.
Ren looked after where Torchwick had disappeared into the night on his unicycle. "I don't know if I'll be able to sleep anymore after seeing that," he said.
Ruby approached the bushes Ozpin had dived into for better cover. "Can you just pass us all and get his over with?" she asked. "I want to go home."
Ozpin emerged from his hiding spot, not bothering to brush himself off as he was already carrying numerous plants in his arms. "Well," he began, "you technically did complete your assignment when you let me rob that Starbucks. And as for that volcano mission- er, well... you killed a Grimm, so I'll let that one pass."
"Yay!" Nora cheered.
The headmaster of Beacon cleared his throat so he could announce the teams that he considered to be important. If Glynda shouted at him to give that speech after this, he would have witnesses to back him up.
"Ruby Rose, Weiss Schnee, Blake Belladonna, and Yang Xiao Long," he spoke to the group of four girls, "from now on, you will be be team CFFE, led by Ruby Rose. Also, you will be getting new names as of today."
They weren't sure if they were alright with renaming, but they honestly didn't care at this point. Everyone agreed that they just wanted to leave and go to bed.
"Ruby Rose will now be referred to as Caramel Mocha. Weiss Schnee shall be French Vanilla. Blake Belladonna will be called Frappuccino, and Yang Xiao Long, you are nowEspresso," he announced. "Congratulations."
Then he turned to the remaining four students.
"Jaune Arc, you will lead team BEAN," he informed the young man. "Jaune, your name from now on shall be Black Eye-"
"Black eye? That sounds terrible!" Jaune grimaced.
"No, don't worry," Ozpin interrupted before the student could complain any further. "It's a dripped coffee with a double shot of espresso. It's very strong."
Jaune's self-esteem suddenly sky-rocketed through the roof at the somewhat compliment.
"Nora Valkyrie, you shall be Eggnog Latte," he continued, "Pyrrha Nikos is now Affogato, and Lie Ren has the honor of being referred to as Nutmeg Spice."
As the recently formed teams began to celebrate, Ozpin noted that this was going to be one very interesting year. Teams CFFE and BEAN seemed very promising, and he was looking forward to their future accomplishments.
He glanced at his stolen goods. There wasn't much left after he had revived poor Bartholomew and given him a week's supply of caffeine so he could support himself. Then he looked after the backs of the students as they left. Ozpin made sure they didn't notice him sneaking away, and went to go steal someone's airship.
Since he didn't get much coffee in that heist, he may as well go to a region that did have caffeine, and cause international affairs by stealing their coffee instead. Now determined to do just this, he stole the first aircraft that he found and flew away, leaving Vale behind him in the dust.
Because really, why not. He was already in trouble with the law, so he may as well cause a huge mess to inconvenience everyone else. That would teach them to not not have caffeine in their stores and cafes.
In the distance, Ozpin could hear Dr. Batholomew Oobleck nodding approvingly as he said, "Just Do It."
And Just Do It he did.
._.
* Yeah, I have no excuse here. You all know what that meant.
**Junior's VA.
Next Chapter: Ozpin becomes desperate in his attempts to get the coffee, a food fight begins and Pyrrha is probably trying to kill Cardin; Bartholomew is a terrible role model, and Beacon is destroyed because somebody set it on fire. Also, there's probably something in the coffee. Maybe it's the water?