Gilbert didn't know where to begin, he kept just taking slow even breaths, trying to calm himself. "I use to date him, we were together for two years. We kept it a huge secret, no one knew about it, I mean neither of us had ever dated another guy before and we weren't sure how people would react to it. The relationship was...it was a mistake from the very beginning, I was just blind to all the red flags, now that I look back on it I can't believe how stupid I was." Gilbert started to tell him. Matthew listened to him with out a word although he did have a lot to say, there was so much he wanted to ask, but he was going to wait until the end.

Gilbert kept the car parked on the side of the rode. "It got abusive real quick but it was all emotional and physiological so I didn't notice. When it became physical I hid it. I didn't want anyone to know, they would treat me different, I knew they would, they would question me and wonder how I could have been so stupid. Others might have even tried to blame me for it, I didn't want that, I didn't want the shame of people knowing that I was getting the shit beat out of me by my boyfriend. Fuck I didn't even want anyone to know I was seeing a guy." Gilbert gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white. He took a deep breath and looked over at Matthew, he could feel the pounding of his heart in his ears, it was a strange sensation and he didn't like it.

"When people would ask me how I got the black eye, or the busted lip, or the broken arm, or anything else, I would lie. The key to lying is to keep it simple, give to many details and people know you're not telling the truth. During those two years I got good at lying and Ivan got good at hitting where no one could see, things just kept getting worse. I reached a point where I was just a broken shell of a man, I thought maybe if I just...maybe if I just put an end to it all I would be at peace. I thought about jumping from the bride on Capital, but I didn't want to make a mess on anyone's cars. So I thought, why not pills, with pills there wouldn't be any messy blood to clean." Gilbert stopped, this was harder then he though, he never told anyone this before. He had been living with this secret, he thought he would take it to the grave, but here he was telling it to his best friend. He was telling it to Matthew, a person he just met this year and yet he couldn't bring himself to tell his girlfriend, a woman he's known since childhood.

Matthew placed his hand on top of his and held it. He looked at him, meeting those eyes. Matthew could see that this hurt him, Gilbert was usually so happy and loud by now he was depressed and didn't like seeing this side, knowing that there was nothing he could do to make him feel better, there were scares there that not even time and therapy could heal. "Its okay Gil...you don't have to say anymore if you don't want to. Its okay...its okay." Matthew said squeezing his hand. Gilbert kept staring into his eyes and he squeezed his hand back. A lump formed in his throat and his nose burned as it began to run, he choked the tears back, pulling his hand free he faced the road and pinched between his eyes. He wasn't going to cry, he wasn't going to let himself cry right now.

Yet he could feel the lump growing bigger and soon he was choking on it. It didn't take long for him to start whimpering. Matthew grabbed him and held him in a hug as he cried, he rubbed his back the whole time. Matthew didn't say a word, but he felt so angry at Ivan. Gilbert had always seemed like such a strong person, to think that he had felt so low that he thought about killing himself, he didn't want to think about what his life would be like right now if Gilbert wasn't a part of it.

Once Gilbert stopped, he wiped the final tears from his eyes and wiped his nose on the back of his sleeve once his voice no longer felt like it was shaking he began again. "I want you to know Matt, I need someone to know. I did try to kill myself, I took a whole bunch of pills, the whole damn bottle. I went back to my room to die, but my grandfather found the empty bottle and he questioned both Ludwig and I about it. I passed out while he was asking us about his pills. He drove me to the hospital and I was forced to have my stomach pumped, which was really unpleasant. But it was a good thing, because while I was stuck in that bed, away from Ivan, I had time to think about everything. I realized that I needed to get out and not by killing myself. When I got better I went to end things with Ivan, I was fucking terrified. I kept thinking, what if he tries to kill me, will I stand a chance. The first couple of times I chicken out. Then one day he started being super nice to me, the hitting stopped, and this actually frightened me more, it was just the silence before the big fucking storm."

Matthew listened, his heart beating fast. He was afraid to hear what happened next, he didn't want to think about this, how it all actually happened. You hear all the time about battered wives and victims of abuse. But usually the victim is a woman, sometimes you forget that the same things happen to men. For abuse is like death, its blind to gender and it doesn't give a fuck about what type of person you are.

"Ivan had me come over one night, his sisters were out of the house, but at the time I didn't know this. When his sisters were around I was safe, he would never say or do anything hurtful with them around, especially his big sister. I went over, thinking I could just dump him in front of his sisters and not after to worry until later about what he would do. When I got there he just let me inside, next thing I know I'm falling forward and everything was going black." Gilbert said and Matthew facial expression turned to terror. He figured out what Gilbert was going to say, he knew it in his gut. "When I woke up I was in his bed and he was undressing me. I don't know why but it was then that I fought back. I kicked him right in the balls and ran, he wasn't down long and he caught me. We fought like hell, getting blood on the walls and carpet."

"At one point he had me pinned down, he kissed me, and bit my lip tearing it open. I headbutt him and crawled across the floor, he got on top of me again, taking me by the back of my head and slamming my face into the ground. But I got my hands on that fucker's hockey stick. I swung that thing around like it was a sword. It hit him right in the face breaking his nose, but more importantly it got him off me. I got to my feet and tried to get away but he just wasn't going to give up, he came after me again but I swung that stick again. I wanted it to kill him but it only knocked him out. I got away, after that I fought back, I didn't let him touch me without making him pay. I'll never be the same person I was but it doesn't matter, this is who I've become and this is me that became your friend."

The car went silent, Matthew looked for the words he could say to him but his mouth just wouldn't open. Gilbert looked over at him and pulled back onto the street to take Matthew home. "I'm sorry Matt...Ivan wouldn't be treating you like this if it wasn't for me."

"Gil don't...you don't have to apologize for nothing. You tried to warn me and I refused to listen to you. I'm sorry Gil...I'm sorry. I'll leave the team, okay, I'll leave the team." He told him and Gilbert kept his eyes on the road.

He shook his head. "You love hockey, that bastard shouldn't take that from you." Gilbert said and Matthew sighed and softly nudge his arm. Gilbert looked at him for just a second.

"I'll quit, end of story. We can always play together after school and stuff, its no problem." He said and Gilbert kept frowning, he wished there was something he could do. He and Matthew got talking about other things, they just tried to lighten the mood between them. Matthew invited him over for dinner, Gilbert accepted the offer, it had been awhile since they hung out last.

He parked his car on the side of the road, turning it off and unlocking the doors so they could get out. He and Matthew went inside together, the family was already sitting around the table eating dinner, Gilbert peeked in and saw the student teacher sitting next to Mr. Williams. Mrs. Williams looked up from her plate at the two boys. "Oh Gilbert, Matthew there's food still on the stove if you're hungry." She said and smiled at them.

"Is it alright if we took the plates upstairs to eat." He asked and she nodded her head. Gilbert followed him into the kitchen and Matthew handed him a plate. They made them up and took the upstairs to Matthew's room. They both sat on the bed as they ate. "So how come Liz was wearing your clothes today?" Matthew asked and Gilbert laughed and explained how he finally got her to be herself again.

"Who knows maybe now that she's being herself our relationship will work its self out." He said smiling and Matthew just shoved a bunch of food into his mouth to keep from talking, he grumbled quietly and looked away. He didn't want their relationship to work, they didn't fit, Alfred had said it already, the two of them didn't fit. He looked back at Gilbert, he looked so happen when ever he talked about her. "So how are you and Carlos doing, you've been sitting with him during lunch so its going well I take it."

Matthew shrugged his shoulders and picked at his plate. "Carlos is nice but I don't know, he can be to much sometimes. I've been thinking about breaking up with him." Matthew admitted and laid across his bed, taking his plate and setting on the ground.

"That's to bad, Liz really wanted the four of us to go out on a double date. See a movie, maybe get dinner together." He said and laid down next to, placing their plates together. He bumped into him, smiling, Matthew bumped back. Gilbert took one of the pillows and smacked him with it. "So would you be interested."

"I would have to ask Carlos first but I'm all in."He smirked and took the pillow from him. He hit him with it and laughed. They wrestled around on top of the bed before falling off the edge. Alfred opened the door, cause he heard the sound of them falling. Gilbert's face was pressed against the floor, his leg was caught on the bed still, just by the ankle. Matthew was on top of him, his face was buried in Gilbert's back, just between his shoulder blades. He pushed off the ground and stared up at Alfred, Gilbert looked up as well.

Alfred chuckled and raised his eyebrows. "Well, well,well what is this." Alfred teased, hiding his smirk behind his hand. Matthew blushed darkly and quickly got off of Gilbert and stuttered.

"Alfred wait, no don't look at me like that, this wasn't what it looks like. We just fell off the bed, wait no that sounded wrong, Al don't walk away. Al!" Matthew stammered and fast walked after him. Gilbert rolled onto his back and chuckled.

He smiled up at Matthew and grabbed the pillow, throwing it at him. "Let him think what he wants, I have a girlfriend and you have a boyfriend. " Gilbert said and Matthew looked over at him blushing, Gilbert got to his feet. He bent down and picked the plates off the ground. They went back down stairs and Gilbert dropped the plates off in the sink before leaving for the front door. Matthew walked him to his car. Gilbert unlocked the door and opened it. "Hey Matt, what I told you...earlier...that's a secret, no one else is to know about it, okay. I trust you." He said and Matthew nodded.

He wanted to say something back to help deepen that trust, but all he could do was nod and say that he would. Matthew watched as Gilbert closed his door and drove off with a wave. After he was gone he went back inside and went upstairs. He went into his room and opened the door. Alfred was laying cross his bed with his arms crossed behind his head. "I pity you bro. You really like this guy and yet there's nothing you can do about it."

Matthew blushed and pointed outside the door. "Get out." He added in case his brother didn't get the hint. Alfred rolled off the bed and placed his hand on top of Matthew's shoulder as he walked by. Alfred laughed and shook his head.

"You can't fight it forever bro"

"I'm not fighting anything Al, I don't like him like that."

"You do, stop trying to fib to me." Alfred said and walked across the hall and went to his own room, he smirked at his brother and closed the door behind himself. Matthew closed his own door, his face was all red. He couldn't help but be angry by Alfred's word, he didn't understand why. He wanted to believe that what Alfred said wasn't the truth, but the more time passed the more he began to question that. He began to doubt that what he felt, what he was feeling, was just friendship. It hurt in a good way that didn't make sense. He understood but he didn't all at the same time. He crawled into his bed and held his pillow to his face. He let a out a scream, smothering the sound, muffling it the best he could. Everything inside of him hurt, his chest and his stomach.

He rolled around and sighed, he was hopeless, he had to quit hockey, and debate on if he should break up with Carlos soon, or go on the double date first. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before getting out of bed again. He brushed his teeth and stripped down to his boxers before returning to his blankets and pillows to sleep. Tomorrow was going to be hell, he just knew it.

...

this chapter was going to be a flash back but I changed my mind, I thought haing Gilbert say it would make it more personal.

Now you know

A little fun fact for you guys, the whole time I was writing this my Russia plush toy was stareing at me, it was very creepy, I had to turn it around in order to finish. I hate plush toys they kinda creep me out, its the eyes, I don't even know why I bought it.

Well please review and I hope to hear from you all in the next update.

The chapters are getting harder to name.