Part 3

Side note, i had this particular chapter about half written, and because i wanted to get it up today rushed through it, so i havent had a chance to edit it or check it in the way that i would have liked. You might find its a divine revelation and turn it into your personal grail. I'm convinced i'm going to read this tomorow and just go aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I am evidently sleep deprived...reading time!

~88888~

Emma stared at the man who was still in a heap on the pavement. Some of the town's residents were gaping at the scenario that was Neal lying in a heap outside the front door of the Rabbit Hole. She wanted them all to dissolve. Having this conversation with him in front of everyone had not factored into her plans on how this conversation would go. She refused to have another shouting match with him before everyone, especially when it would reveal her relationship with Hook to everyone. She wasn't ready for the entire town to know that secret. Still, that did nothing to ease the congestion in her heart and stomach.

He knew.

He knew.

HE KNEW!

How did he know? Had he seen her on her walk of shame this morning? Had Hook told him? Yeah that was probably it, her cocky new lover had probably crowed all about it. But that didn't seem fitting. Pirate, Killian may be; arrogant son-of-a-bitch, most definitely; but jack-ass? No he had proven himself to be honorable. Kissing and then telling was not something she could really see him do.

"I'm always a gentleman." His words rang in her ears. Gentlemen didn't tell their girlfriend's ex-boyfriends that they'd fucked them senseless. Only jerks did that.

Emma knew she could ask, but she also knew that even if he lied, she would know the answer before he spoke it. She could see it in his eyes, that flat look of someone who had just had their heart broken. She knew that look because she had seen it in her reflection from the police car when she had been arrested all those years ago.

No, Emma rationaled that how he knew wasn't important, but this moment was. She had to move past the fact that she was supposed to be the one to tell him, to let him down gently. She had to move on to the next phase of the conversation, the 'we can still be friends' side, (she thought with bitter humor); the forgiving side. But how in the name of almighty God were they going to be able to move on from this with a smile on their faces? This was wrong, completely and utterly wrong. She had to explain her decision to a man who she suspected wanted nothing more than to shout himself hoarse at her.

No, there was definitely no forgiving this.

She wanted to say something, she had to, and she was reaching a point where the town that was still surrounding them didn't matter. She had to let him know that she was sorry. But words didn't come. Instead they found themselves in a stalemate, staring the other down, both forlorn, unable to use their vocabularies in any meaningful way.

Eventually, after what felt like an eternity, he stood up, dusted himself off and turned around and walked in the other direction. He didn't even look at her. It was the kick in the pants she needed as she ran after him. Fortunately, the town couldn't keep up.

"Don't, Emma, just don't." He shouted at her as she grabbed his hand. "You just happened to fall in love with the same guy who robbed me of my mother when I was a kid, it doesn't matter." He spat at her sardonically. "I don't blame you. It's clear to me that this is all my fault; I broke your heart a decade ago and now when the opportunity presents itself for you to put it back together you choose not to." He continued striding away from her. "I'm really not surprised at all."

Emma wanted to hit him, such was his tone, but she was having a hard enough time keeping up with him that launching her palm against his cheek was going to be a task.

"You think I planned on falling for the same guy as your mom, you're wrong." She shouted at him incredulously. "You think I did this to spite you, you're an idiot." She grabbed his hand again, yanking hard, forcing him to turn and face her.

"Okay so then what was it? You just fell for his charming smile? He's a womanizing bastard who knows every trick in the book to get a woman into bed." Neal sarcastically spat at her, causing her to flinch.

"I don't have to explain myself to you." She retorted.

"Then don't." He yanked his arm out of her grasp. "Just tell me one thing: How were you going to say 'Neal, I'd much rather fuck Captain Hook than try and work our relationship out in any way'?" He wasn't shouting at her, but the harshness of his words could do nothing but show the extreme hurt he was suffering.

"I wouldn't rather fuck him, than work out our relationship." She admitted. "But I can't work out a relationship when it's clear to me that we have nothing in common anymore." Her shoulders sagged.

"We have Henry!" He pleaded.

"Yes, we have Henry, but I'm not going to take part in a relationship where the only reason his parents are together is because of him." She stabbed back. "That's as bad as parents breaking up because they can't handle being parents."

"You never even gave us a chance." He exhaled dejectedly. "It's clear now that you never wanted to be a family." He turned to continue striding away.

"Neal, I couldn't!" She snapped, following him.

How dare he. How dare he judge her. Did he think that this past week she had been leading him on? Okay so maybe she had been a little bit, but nothing like what he seemed to be suggesting she was. In fact she felt that she herself had been distant this past week. They had barely spoken to each other. It had been awkward, stilted, off. When she had first met him they had had an instant connection. Two lost and tainted youths that stole a yellow bug. They had formed a relationship out of it, but it was hardly a good one. Stealing things every day just to survive wasn't a relationship. It shouldn't have even been love. But it had been. Call it the innocence of youth, but Emma lost all semblance of youth when she was forced to give up her baby whilst in prison. But still, a part of her had held onto that feeling, a part of her that she had always stubbornly ignored. Henry had forced her to acknowledge it; Mary Margaret had forced her to acknowledge it. But Neverland had forced her to acknowledge what a wasteland it was. Still, coming back, she had attempted to forget about everything that had happened in Neverland; go back to the way things were.

It didn't work.

"I wanted to be a family with you and Henry, desperately." She pleaded. "When I told you I loved you, I meant it. A part of me was always clinging to the idea of us as a family, especially since Henry came back into my life. But we've changed too much; we know too much." She explained.

"Doesn't matter." He shook his head, evidently not listening to her.

"Yes it does. You and I are two completely different people from the people we once were. You're reaction to me learning magic from Gold only cemented my thoughts." She continued.

"Doesn't matter." He was still shaking his head.

"You hate magic and everything that magic does to people. But I'm not your father, Regina or Pan. I was born with magic inside of me; it's a part of me, it always has been." She went on.

"Yeah, but Emma I've seen what magic does to people." He pleaded with her.

"Maybe, but I want to know what it means to be the child of True Love." She reasoned; they were back at their argument from a few days earlier. "I want to know what I am capable of, what it entails, what, who, I am." She finished.

She had hoped that they had past this, that everything from that afternoon had been shared, and subsequently finished. Apparently not. She didn't want to be back here, she wanted to be moving on. This was why she had realized that she and Neal were no longer compatible. They were entirely in the past. Their few conversations were often reminiscences rather than present day thoughts. Accepting her responsibility as a mother had made her realize that tomorrow and today were more important than yesterday. She accepted that for Neal that was a lesson that would be learnt, but for the time being he was still stuck in today and yesterday.

Neal sighed. "Still, none of that matters now. You can learn all the magic you want, I don't care, you can become a fucking fairy for all I care, it's not going to do anything to change the fact that you didn't even try to make the family you supposedly were desperate to make."

Right when she thought this conversation was about to end he said something that made her blood boil.

"Not true, I did want to be a family, and I tried, Neal, I really did." She retorted.

"It hasn't even been a week!" He exclaimed.

"How can I be a family with someone, how can I make a family with someone when I don't love them."

At these words Neal froze in place. He didn't turn around to face her, he just stood there. Emma knew that the brevity of what she had just said was biting into him, tormenting him, destroying him.

Emma realized that she was drawn to Hook because he represented something she could have tomorrow. He didn't dwell on the past: it was done, gone, couldn't be changed. He had her realizing that whilst she would always be a mother, she could also be a woman; she could seek a destiny that was more than just being the savior. She could have everything, hope, happiness, family, love. Neal meanwhile symbolized her past; pain, loss, heartbreak, abandonment. She couldn't make a future with someone who was the reason she didn't trust people.

Neal looked away, smiling bitterly. "You're right." He said looking up. "You can't love me because you're in love with him, and don't try to deny it, I know you are." Emma saw a glint in the corner of his eye and realized he was about to crack.

"I'm not-" she began before he cut her off.

"Save it, Emma. I can hear it. Just tell me, why him? Of all the men you could have fallen in love with, why did it have to be him?" He was pleading with her.

For the first time in their entire conversation, he wasn't an angry and rejected lover; he was a man with a broken heart. She realized, suddenly, that this wasn't about her feelings for someone else, this was about him. She realized that Hook and she had a far greater meaning to him than simply her falling in love with someone else. Hook was the pirate who was now ruining his life for the second time. Sure he'd said it to her, but it was hitting her now, Killian Jones, Captain Hook, whatever name he carried, was the man who represented all of Neal's sorrow.

She suddenly found herself struggling to find the words to appease him, to calm him. She didn't choose Hook, she didn't plan on falling in love with him, it just happened – wait, what? She could feel her heart laughing at her brain. So she was in love with him, Killian, Hook, whoever he was.

She looked up at Neal, but words didn't come from her mouth. She couldn't answer him. It had to be Killian because it couldn't have been anyone else.

Neal shook his head, that same bitter expression on his face and she realized that his moment of sorrow had past, he was back to being the vengeful and spurned lover.

"You know, he said you're nothing like my mother." He finally said, albeit quietly, not looking at her. "But he's wrong. You're exactly like her." He looked up at her, meeting her gaze defiantly. "Both of you ran away from the men you had family with for someone else. My mother lost her life because of it. I hope, only for Henry's sake, that the same thing doesn't apply to you."

With that he turned on his heel and strode away. Emma didn't bother to follow, she couldn't, not when her feet were soldered to the floor or her body was rocked to its core.

~88888~

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