AN: Dearest friends, I have not abandoned you; my computer has met the true death! Please weep for my 5-year-old Mac Book… I am currently writing on the computer of the family that I nanny for and I'm about 3 glasses of wine in (hooray 8pm bedtime) so excuse the multitude of errors that are bound to follow. I adore you all!

In addition, I don't own Pam, Eric, Amy, or Sookie. Charlaine Harris does. Please don't rub it in, I'm not emotionally stable at the moment…

Dr. Amy Ludwig P.O.V

"I dunno how it happened Miss Doctor Ludwig ma'am. I was jus' leanin' over a fresh deer we kilt an' then Felton came over to celebrate an' then bam – I got me this baby in my belly!"

I can't help it; I take the phone away from my ear and glare at it. I swear, I'm done working with the panthers of Hotshot. D.O.N.E. I don't care if they can manage the payments. Absolutely nothing is worth this amount of stupid.

"Crystal, I believe what happened is the same thing that happened the other five times. You are pregnant. Take the vitamins I gave you and call me if anything new occurs." I hang up before she can respond, but less than a minute passes before the phone rings again.

"Dammit, it's gas! What did I tell you about broccoli?" I yell into the phone. Harsh, I know, but I delivered fire-breathing demon twins this morning and I'm due for a nap.

"I don't have to deal with human ailments like flatulence and don't even remember what broccoli is. Is this Dr. Ludwig?" I hear a bored-sounding female reply.

Oh wonderful – a blood sucker. Just what I needed to make this day extra great. I answer, "Yes, this is Dr. Ludwig. I only take vampire patients in cases of silver poisoning. If you need blood, I suggest you call the local Red Cross... " I don't even finish before I get interrupted by the voice.

"I'm not calling for me. I just got a new pet and something appears to be wrong with her. I expect you here within the hour. This is Pamela Ravenscroft, by the way." I don't even manage a grunt before I hear the dial tone.

Mother Fucker.

I absolutely loathe vampires and normally wouldn't respond to one, especially not one that had the audacity to hang up on me. Me! As if she had the right! But I know that this Pamela is the child of the Northman, and you'd have to be Hotshot-stupid to mess with the Sheriff.

Taking my continued wellbeing into consideration, I begrudgingly pack up my medical bag. I make sure to pack scissors and lubricant, since the last time Ms. Ravenscroft requested my presence there was an incident involving nipple clamps. I wonder what it could be this time: A stripper stuck to her pole? Handcuffs that won't come off? A whip lash that cut a bit too deep?

Who says that being a doctor isn't sexy?

After I'm packed, I think about the vampire's house and picture her red front door. Within seconds, I've teleported and am knocking furiously. Just because I have to be here, doesn't mean that I have to be nice about it. I hear a droll, "Come in" and teleport myself inside.

Once in, truthfully, I'm in no way prepared for what I see.

I expected a leather-wearing brunette dominatrix or maybe a fair-haired go-go dancer. I did not expect to find myself being stared at by two blondes – a vampire and a tiny human – both in pink and purple velour sweats.

"Wow! Are you an elf? Did Santa send you, because I've been mostly good this year," says the small one.

"I'm no elf, and for that you can be thankful. It isn't all toy workshops and shoes and hidden cookie factories you know. I'm a doctor …and I'm here to see you?" The last part came out as more of a question, but honestly, I'm at a loss. I know for a fact that the Northman forbids feeding from children in his area. It has been a rule in his domain since before the revelation, one of the reasons that I respect him as much as I fear him. Surely he hasn't made an exception for his progeny?

Pamela finally speaks, "Ludwig, this is my new human. I've had her for three days and something is already wrong with her. Fix her now!"

I walk closer to the child and discover right away that the "human" isn't human at all. She smells like a fairy! Not a full fairy but at least a Halfling by the smell of her. Oh shit!

"So, err, human child." And I may have put a bit too much emphasis on the human part, but I was doing my best. A fairy child kept as a vampire pet! This could start a war! "What seems to be wrong, human?"

"A strange sound is coming from her and she seems to be very tired. I thought about giving her my blood, but I don't know how it would affect one of her kind." Pamela interjects before the girl can answer.

"Her kind?" I ask, and it sounds fake even to my own ears.

"Like you haven't noticed! Do you know what she is?" Pamela advances toward me with narrowed eyes.

"I really hadn't noticed anything. So, what is the sound?" I think I'm actually sweating. I haven't been this nervous since my first day on the job.

"It's just my belly growling. I'm hungry!" says the tiny Fae time-bomb.

"Have you been feeding her after you take her blood?" I ask, fishing for information while simultaneously praying not to get any.

Pamela's eyes grow so narrow that I'm looking into little slits. "I don't take blood from her, and I've feed her every morning! I bought these hard grain bars at the grocery store that claim to have a day's worth of vitamins in each serving. She should be perfectly healthy!"

"Those are nasty and they aren't enough food," the little one pleads with me "Every time I ask for more she tells me that I won't be a part of America's obesity epidemic. I don't even know what that means! I just want some Lucky Charms and a hamburger!"

"Ms. Ravenscroft, human children," I can't help but emphasize the "human" again, "Need to feed at least three times a day and require a variety of foods. I can provide you with a list of healthy foods if you require it." I dig through my bag and find a pamphlet that I normally give to Fae mothers in the human world. I use my surgical scissors to discretely separate the grocery list portion from the rest of the brochure.

"Okay, enough already!" Pamela huffs. "I was only trying to help her. I saw an advertisement on television and the human first lady warned about feeding children too much. Are you sure that is all?"

"Yes, for now. How long do you plan on keeping this human?" Dammit, I said human again! It's like I can't control my tongue!

"She's mine indefinitely." Pamela says as the girl replies, "She's my mistress forever and ever! And she says I'm even gonna get my own room soon so that I don't have to sleep next to the shoes!"

"Oh, Hell!" I think, but I say, "Wonderful! I have to be going now, I'll send you my bill."

In a flash I'm gone, and find myself in the middle of a room with gold walls and a crystal ceiling.

"State your purpose," says a voice from above.

"Dr. Amy Ludwig here to see the Prince, there's a matter of great importance we need to discuss."