Sisters Under the Skin

by vjs2259

Anna Sheridan's real consciousness was trapped beneath the implanted Shadow personality. Through much effort she is restored to herself. She's lost three years of her life. Everyone she knows thinks she is dead. Waking up to a new world, a world at war, a world where she has no place; she finds her husband no longer trusts her and her only friend is the woman he now loves.

5. Fitting In

Sisters Under Their Skin: Part Five

Fitting In

Standard disclaimer applies; not my characters or settings or backgrounds. But they are my words.

After that moment in John's quarters under his unseeing gaze, Delenn took a new hold on life. She had a purpose again, and it was the same one she had always had, to defeat the enemy. Taking action was the only option she could see. It might, or might not, work. The honor lay in striving until the end, regardless of what end was achieved. Almost immediately she put her plan in motion. Susan was informed and responded with grim approval. Lennier sent out the call for the Rangers to assemble, and was kept busy coordinating their arrival. The few in the League who supported their mission were gathering and stocking their ships. There was at once a million things to do, and little to do but wait.

Delenn kept Anna informed, but there was so much going on she couldn't seem to find the time to go see her friend. In the depths of her nightly meditation, when she stopped moving long enough to be honest with herself, Delenn acknowledged that Anna was a painful reminder of what had been lost and what had been done. One evening, as Delenn sat surrounded by star-maps and ship rosters, her door chimed. "Come," she called out without looking up. Lennier was undoubtedly bringing report of yet more arrivals. The response had been gratifying, and tomorrow she would announce her plan to the Anla'Shok. The speech was prepared, but she wanted to think about the phrasing a little more. Considering what she was asking of them, the least she could do was set out the reasons in convincing, if not entirely inspiring, language.

"Hello, Delenn," came Anna's voice. She entered the room carrying a small bag, imprinted with the logo of one of the gift shops on the low end side of the Zocalo. Delenn rose from the couch and approached her, uncertain of what level of greeting to extend. Anna solved the problem by reaching out and giving her a light hug, then handing her the bag. Delenn looked at the rose-and-gold striped bag, with its gold corded handle and froth of tissue paper, then up at Anna.

"It's a halma gift. For you." Anna smiled. "I thought you might need some light in the darkness." She gestured at the gift. "Go ahead! Open it. Though there's no need to wish you good health," she added as Delenn set down the bag on the high table by the kitchen area and lifted out something heavy from the paper. Anna went on, "You look much better than the last time I saw you."

"Thank you," answered Delenn as she peeled away the sheer wrapping. "This was not necessary, but I appreciate..." The paper uncurled to reveal a round glass globe in which a tiny version of the station was suspended. It was filled with a clear liquid and bright silver stars swirled around the toy replica. There was a matching silver ring on which it could be set to remain stationary. Delenn stared at it in shock, wondering why Anna had chosen such a thing. Her hand opened and the glass fell into Anna's outstretched hand. She felt the color drain from her face.

"Whew, that was close!" Anna said. Then, she asked in surprise, "What's the matter? Here," she said, pulling out a chair that was tucked under the table. "Sit down. Tell me what's wrong."

"John had one of these. With a tall house inside, and white flakes that resembled snow." Delenn spoke through numbed lips.

"I know!" Anna replied, with a laugh. "I found the glass in the waste container, and the broken ornament tucked away in the kitchen! He used to do that, you know. If he broke something I liked, sometimes he would hide it and try to replace it before I noticed it was gone." She pulled out a second chair and sat down beside Delenn. "It's just a toy; it's okay if you don't like it."

Delenn found her voice and said, "It was I that broke the globe in John's quarters." Stuttering slightly, she continued, "It was the night that you returned...but you do not remember that night."

Anna shook her head, her red hair flashing in the subdued lighting. "Not a thing." Suddenly she put two and two together, and said slowly, "You were there then, when I arrived?"

"I was there," replied Delenn, with a hint of stiffness. "I was with John. It was a ritual. It doesn't matter now."

"What kind of ritual?" Anna probed.

Delenn remained silent. She had discovered that Anna liked things out in the open, which went against her own inclinations towards reticence.

"Look," Anna added kindly. "I think of you as a friend, my first friend in this place. It's obviously awkward, our situation. But I'd like to think we can talk about it, and work through it." Abruptly she paused, then went on carefully, "Unless you'd rather not. I can leave," and she began to rise from her chair.

Delenn laid a hand on her arm, silently urging her to stay. "You are my friend," Delenn replied, "Unexpected as it is. But we share memories and grief; we shared hope for a while. I will explain." Taking the globe from Anna, she turned it around and around, watching the stars shift and fall, then set it back onto its stand. "There is a ritual among my people, to be performed three times, when two people become close. John and I had done it once already, the second time was that night you came back. The female watches, and the male sleeps. It is said that our true face emerges in sleep, that one can see through the presented image to another's soul. In any case, I was awake, and John was asleep, when you came to the door. I happened to be examining the globe at the time, and it fell to the floor, breaking upon impact."

"Good God," said Anna. "That must have been awful for you." Her eyes clouded over, "And for John too." Shaking her head, she said, "It wasn't me. I keep telling myself that. It helps that I don't remember anything." Trying to school her pained expression, she added, "I hope I..she...wasn't too cruel to you. To either of you."

"There was every reason to be judgmental," replied Delenn. "I was not entitled to be there. It was a mistake; the ritual was a false one."

"No way!" declared Anna. "It may sound weird, but I know my husband, and he loved you. He doesn't fall in love easily, and he had my death and your different cultures to overcome. If it had gotten that far, it was real. Listen to me," she urged, as she took hold of Delenn's hand. "I can tell you're a good person. I understand why you did what you did. If you want forgiveness or absolution or whatever, you can have it as far as I'm concerned." She watched as the color returned to Delenn's cheeks, then laughed slightly. "And that is one interesting ritual. Maybe I should switch my focus to anthropology! I'll specialize in Minbari culture."

Delenn smiled at that. "I would be happy to sponsor your studies at one of our Academies." The smile faded. "Assuming they are still there, after all this is over."

"I will take you up on that," replied Anna, giving her hand one last squeeze. Settling back into the chair, she said, "In some cultures that ritual would be viewed as a test of the level of trust between two people. You are at your most vulnerable when you're asleep. If you trust someone enough to sleep in front of them, well...that says something. Odd that it doesn't go both ways though. The female should show trust as well, and sleep in front of the male."

Delenn looked nonplussed. "I had not thought of it in that way. Maybe you should take up cultural studies. It is good to see things from a different perspective." Then she sat up straighter. "Would you care for some tea? I have more work to do, but I could use some respite. Between the war plans and

preparing the presentation for the Rangers, I have been quite occupied."

"I'd love some," replied Anna. "And I'd like to hear your speech. Maybe it would help to say it out loud, with a sympathetic audience." She smiled warmly. "I've heard so much about the Rangers. It's hard to conceive of a group holding together for a thousand years. Impressive."

"They are a dedicated group of men and women, human and Minbari both. I am very proud of each and every one of them." Delenn's eyes glowed. "I will make the tea, then subject you to my wholly inadequate words."

Anna had listened and approved of the speech. She even watched as Delenn outlined the plan of attack, a strategy the Minbari woman confessed she had worked out earlier with John. "We always suspected we would have to go to Z'ha'dum," she said sadly. "I never thought I would be leading the fleet on my own."

They had moved to the living area, where the maps and charts were laid out on the low table in front of the couch. Anna leaned forward, resting her chin in both hands. "I wish I could go with you. Or help in some way."

"You are helping," said Delenn. "You have done so much, everything. I would not be doing this if not for you." She blinked rapidly as Anna yawned. "But now we are both tired, and we have done enough." Looking consideringly at Anna, she said, "Would you care to be present tomorrow? At the gathering of the Rangers?"

"Love to," replied Anna, her teeth clicking together as she stifled another yawn. Looking at the door, she said hesitantly. "Look, would you mind if I stayed here tonight? This couch is looking pretty good right now." She tucked a loose strand of hair behind one ear. "It's just, well, I don't think I can face going back there tonight, to John's quarters. Sometimes the place feels haunted."

"Of course," replied Delenn, sympathetic to the thought. She had felt it herself. Starting to say something about the resonance of departed souls, another thought struck her and she smiled. "I would offer you the bedroom, but I have seen the human reaction to a Minbari bed." Her cheeks began to burn as she realized the possible implications of her words.

Anna raised one eyebrow, and glanced beyond Delenn to the open door. The tilted bed looked hard and unwelcoming, one small triangular pillow neatly centered near the top. She shook off the mental picture of John's being the human in question and said mildly, "I see what you mean." Patting the couch, she quickly added, "This is fine," with a warm smile to accompany the brief response.

"I will get some linens and a blanket then." Delenn rose and went to the bedroom, returning with an armful of silk and soft cotton. Her face had returned to its normal color, but her eyes were soft with memories.

Anna stood and took them from her. "Thank you," was all she said,

Delenn laid one hand on her heart, then dropped it suddenly. "Good night," she said, and retreated to her bedroom, pulling the sliding glass doors shut behind her. She had a sudden wish to ask Anna if she could watch her sleep. The thought was disturbing; was she anxious to know if Anna trusted her? And conversely, why was she so willing to trust Anna?

Anna enjoyed the pageantry and enthusiasm of the Ranger gathering. The unspoken idea that this was a one-way mission didn't escape her, but desperation was in the air. At least this was a way to go down fighting. It had touched her to hear Delenn repeat John's words about trying to fly. It was like he was still there, directing them. Actually-and this was something she didn't like to dwell on too much—John Sheridan was still directing them all, with his words and with his example. Once the fleet left the station, Anna would be even more alone than she was now. The future seemed very uncertain. But if the expedition didn't come back, if this didn't have the effect they hoped for, then there wasn't much future left. It all seemed terribly urgent, like they were approaching a tipping point in the history of the universe.

From the back of the room, Anna could watch Delenn and Lennier in the front, as well as get a good look at the Rangers in the audience. Lennier was an interesting character. Anna hadn't interacted with him much at all. She got the impression he didn't approve of her. Maybe he didn't like her, or perhaps he didn't trust her. Maybe it was just that he didn't like anyone by the name of Sheridan. Anna could see the light in the Minbari's eyes whenever Delenn was around, and the shadows edge out that light whenever John's name came up. Delenn never seemed to notice, but maybe that was just Minbari reserve, or politeness or whatever.

The Rangers were a fascinating group. Who would have thought ten years or so ago that humans and Minbari would be working so closely together? One thing Anna noted and approved of was the lack of distinction between the two groups. They seemed truly integrated. The station itself was a marvel of diversity, dozens of races from hundreds of planets all interacting and with minimal disruption. More and more, she began to see the attraction of working in such an environment. John had been more of a pragmatist than an idealist, but this place would have appealed to him.

Once the speech was over, the Rangers began to talk quietly among themselves. Some of them left, presumably to inform those left behind on the ships what was planned. Others came one by one, or in small groups, to speak with Delenn. It was obvious they held her in high respect. Delenn had the same sort of charisma that John had; it was useful in any leadership position. Anna had never really aspired to that; she had her work, which she enjoyed and believed to be valuable. It was up to others to set up expeditions, arrange funding, deal with staffing issues. She had to drum up grant money at times, but that was more a case of dealing with individuals, not groups of people. Anna decided to slip out of the room, and send along a message to Delenn later. If truth be told, she envied the Rangers both their dedication and their mission.

After Susan and Marcus left on yet another search for First Ones, Delenn found herself turning to Anna as a sounding board. Lennier was supportive as ever, but blindly so, and he remained suspicious of the human woman. Anna was as thoroughly in favor of the fleet and its mission as Lennier, but she challenged Delenn's motivations and goals. Anna wanted it to be a fight, with every chance of success they could squeeze out, not merely a glorious martyrdom. Delenn found Anna's objectivity and distance from the last three years' events both restful and illuminating. It gave her an idea of how the actions they were taking looked from the outside. At times, it almost gave her hope that the mission could succeed.

They had taken to meeting in Delenn's quarters mid-morning for tea and strategy. Lennier was usually leaving at that time with his instructions for the day. Everything was coming to a head, and the atmosphere was tense.

"I am going to ask Lyta to speak with Kosh and find out if the Vorlons are going to be involved in this war at all," said Delenn.

The Minbari woman was dressed formally, in red and purple, and Anna thought she looked almost regal. Or would have if she hadn't been sucking on a finger reddened by the heat rising from the steaming kettle. "From what you've said, it looks like they've got their own ideas of how to proceed. I don't think you can count on them at all, except as a wild card, and a potentially dangerous one at that." Anna sipped at her own tea. The Minbari blend was astringent and cleansing but she missed the caffeine.

"I suppose not," replied Delenn. Her brow wrinkled in distress. "I do not think Lyta is happy in her service to the Vorlon. I wonder why she stays."

"Loyalty?" mused Anna. "Fear? They sound pretty intimidating." She added quietly, "Maybe she has nowhere else to go."

Delenn looked surprised, then sympathetic. "Lyta has been more intimately connected with the Vorlons than anyone other than myself. They have altered her to enable her to do their work. I hope it was not accomplished by coercion." She shook her head, "Your people deal with telepaths so strangely, viewing them as internal enemies rather than part of your own race. I will never understand it."

"I have been altered too," replied Anna. "And I'm not sure I fit in anywhere anymore."

Delenn reached across the table and tapped Anna on the back of the hand. "You are still yourself, what the Shadows did to you is simply part of who you are now. And you do belong somewhere. You belong here."

Anna took her hand in gratitude, wondering how much she'd belong on this station with both John and Delenn gone. She wished she had been able to contact Lizzie. Communications were down at the moment, only high priority military messages were being transmitted. Though Anna had no idea how she was going to tell Lizzie that her friend was alive but her brother was dead. "I just wish there was something I could do," Anna added in frustration.

"Your talents lie elsewhere, in devotion to science, and to uncovering the mysteries of beings long gone from the Universe. It is an honorable calling, but one that is best practiced in times of peace, rather than in times of war. Sometimes I wish I had stayed a scholar, spending my time teasing out the long-dead words of the ancients from dusty scrolls in the Great Library. But I was called to other service, and sent to serve the Council at an early age." Delenn had a faraway look on her face.

Anna shook her head in disbelief, laughing, and Delenn stared at her. Anna declared,"I cannot picture you holed up in a reading room somewhere! If anyone was ever a people person, it's you!"

"A people person? What a curious phrase. Is it not redundant?" Delenn asked curiously. Anna kept surprising her; her fascinating take on things was very human.

"It's a person who likes, understands, and can relate to all sorts of people. John was one too, for all that he could spend hours happily alone." Anna cocked her head. "I think you're more diplomatic though. John was never one for mincing words."

Now Delenn laughed at the mental picture of herself slicing and re-slicing words into tiny pieces. "Maybe he was simply more honest." A slight frown crossed her face. "Minbari may never lie, but we have our ways of dealing with that in the diplomatic profession."

"I imagine you do," replied Anna, distracted by an idea forming in the back of her head. "I've got something I've got to do," she said, "And I know you're busy. See you tomorrow?"

Delenn inclined her head, and picked up her teacup. "Till then," she answered, as Anna swallowed her tea and rose to leave.

It didn't take Anna long to locate Lyta's quarters. Pressing her thumb against the door chime, she waited anxiously, wondering if the telepath was there. Finally, a weary voice granted her admission, and she entered.

The room was bare of decoration or ornament, a mattress lay on the floor. There was no sign of anyone actually living there; no sign except the tall redhead in black, who sat cross-legged on the floor. Anna glanced around for a chair, but saw none. Straightening her back, she walked over and sat down on the floor next to Lyta.

"I need your help with something," Anna said bluntly.

Lyta raised one eyebrow. "Aren't you going to comment on the decor?"

Anna shook her head, "None of my business. Maybe you're a minimalist, I don't know." She looked closely at Lyta, and said with concern, "Are you all right? You look awful."

"Thanks," Lyta replied wryly. "Did you stop by just to tell me that?"

"I'm sorry," Anna said quickly. "It's just that I don't want to add to any stress you're under, and it looks like you're under quite a bit."

"We all are," Lyta prevaricated. "What can I do for you?"

"I want to know if there's any information hidden in my mind, leftover from the Shadow personality, that could help Delenn," Anna said firmly. "I understand there may be some risk involved, but everyone's doing something, and I want to help."

Lyta looked at Anna, an assessing look, as if weighing her determination. "I oversaw the mind-wipe procedure, doing before and after scans. Wipe is a misnomer, as Dr. Franklin told you; it's more of a blocking procedure. Still, that's what they're called. In any case, with most wipes the base memories remain, but the patterns of access that determine personality are disrupted." She continued conversationally, "There are various levels, you know. Most are level one, used therapeutically to lighten memories that are causing distress. For instance post-traumatic stress syndrome can be treated this way. Level two is the one commonly used for criminals, the ones sentenced to death of personality. Some old memories remain accessible, but they are overlaid with new patterns, usually a simple and strong action plan, strict do's and don'ts. The old patterns seldom break through. It's a combination of wipe and conditioning against violence."

Anna nodded. "I know a little about this. What kind of wipe did I have?"

"You had a level three, the most invasive and the most permanent. They're really rare. I've never seen one before. There was nothing left. It was like fog, deep grey and clinging." Lyta shuddered. "I was really scared Stephen wouldn't be able to put you back like you were before. The Shadows had left most of your memories intact and untouched, in order for their implanted personality to access them. The older, more deeply engraved ones, the ones essential to what made you, you-they were there. A path was left open to them, and they were easy to distinguish from the implanted personality. Easy to upload." She smiled at Anna, "Obviously it worked. There's nothing left of what they did."

"Are you sure?" Anna asked with disappointment.

Lyta hesitated, then said thoughtfully, "I suppose it's possible they put something deeper, below your own memories. That would require a deep scan to detect. And if there are blocks hiding something, it would be very painful to break through them. There would be no guarantee that what was there would be militarily useful." Forestalling Anna's eager acceptance of the risk, Lyta added a final caution, "If I set something free, there's no guarantee it won't disrupt what Dr. Franklin uploaded, and we'll lose you again. Perhaps for good this time."

Anna swallowed hard. What had seemed like a long shot at being useful in the upcoming battle now seemed like something she had to do for herself. "I don't want to walk around like a ticking time bomb, Lyta. Why in the world didn't you tell Dr. Franklin this before? I probably never should have been left out of MedLab!"

Lyta shook her head. "Dr. Franklin is well aware of the possibilities. You weren't stable enough at first then, well I guess it didn't seem necessary. Or maybe he forgot..."

Anna looked at her suspiciously, and Lyta laughed. "All right, that's not terribly likely! But it would take a level twelve human telepath to dig anything out. Presumably the Shadows could do it, if there's anything there at all. But it can't be done long distance. And if the Shadows get close enough to activate some deep-seated command, we're in trouble anyway."

"I thought they had been on the station before," said Anna. "Morden, the one from my ship. He was here."

"That's right," said Lyta. Her face turned grim. "And they came here to kill Ambassador Kosh." Her typical pallor grew even more pronounced. "If they come back again, it will be openly, as conquerors."

Anna said harshly, "Even more reason to find out all we can, and help support Delenn's fleet. That fleet may be all that stands between us and destruction."

Lyta sighed. "If I were you, I'd stay out of it."

That made Anna give the telepath a crooked smile. "Like you have? You were the impetus for the rescue mission to Z'ha'dum. You went into my mind, at some personal risk...you couldn't know what they might have left in there to trip up any telepaths who wandered by. Delenn's told me about your part in finding out the Shadow's ships are sensitive to telepathic jamming." Lyta lowered her head and stared at the floor. Anna pressed her point. "You're not in the command staff, not a Ranger, not part of EarthForce, not even part of PsiCorps! If you can contribute, so can I."

This time Lyta blushed. "I was only trying to help."

"So am I," replied Anna. "These things killed John. They did their best to kill me. From what Delenn has told me, they're doing their best to kill everything. Seems worth taking a little risk."

"All right," said Lyta. "I'll try. What is it you expect to find?"

"Well, I suppose I really hope you find nothing, that all traces of them are gone. But if there are any memories of my time on Z'ha'dum we should look at them. Maybe they talked about their plans, or maybe I saw some of their defenses, who knows?" Anna placed her hands on both knees. "When do you want to do this?"

"No time like the present," replied Lyta. "Lie down on the bed."

"Why?" asked Anna, even as she got up and walked over to the mattress, lowering herself to the surface, sinking slightly into the foam. She laid back, and turned her head to look at Lyta. The telepath sat next to the mattress, facing Anna so she could look directly into her eyes.

"So you won't fall over and hurt yourself if you faint from the pain," said Lyta in a matter of fact tone. "This won't be like the last time. There's no communication in a deep scan. I just push past any blocks, natural or placed, all the way in. I've been told it feels like a dentist drill breaking through your skull, hitting all your nerve endings at one time."

Lyta tried to start gently, pushing through the first layer, which were thin and soft like lace or mesh and parted like spider webs before her questing hands. The next layer was pulsing with electric current, and felt like barbed wire cutting slicing her skin as she went through it. Telepaths seldom admitted to normals that some scans were as painful to perform as they were to receive. Gritting her teeth she went deeper, sinking past scars and channels and surging seas of fluid emotion. The final barrier was a jet black wall, and for a moment she hesitated, afraid that the darkness would start to move like the skin of a Shadow ship. But it remained still and reaching out a hand, she pushed through the wall, revealing...

"There's nothing there." Lyta spoke aloud. Her eyes were bruised, and her voice rough. Anna was quiet, but her breathing was loud and labored. Lyta stood, her legs trembling beneath her, and went towards the empty kitchen to find a glass and fill it with water. She drank eagerly, slopping a little of the liquid on the floor. Refilling the glass, she went back to where Anna was now moaning softly, and knelt beside the bed. Setting the glass on the floor, she raised Anna up, and watched the other woman's eyes flutter open. Picking up the glass, she offered it to Anna. Anna placed both hands flat on the mattress, pushing herself upright, then she reached out and took the glass from Lyta. Her hands were shaking so badly that it took both to hold the glass steady enough for her to drink.

Just then the door chimed and Lyta answered "Open" without thinking, her attention focused on her guest. Delenn came in, and stopped short.

"Lyta?" Delenn questioned. "What is going on?" Then, to Anna, "Are you all right?"

Anna nodded, continuing to drain the glass until it was empty. Handing it back to Lyta, she answered Delenn directly. "I'm fine. Lyta was helping me with something."

"With what?" Delenn demanded. Turning her attention to the telepath, she waited, the force of her emotions barely held in check.

"It was a deep scan. Like the one Dr. Franklin wanted me to do eventually," confessed Lyta. "I thought she was ready."

"How did you know that she was ready?" Delenn was imperious. "How could you possibly know?"

"I wanted her to do it, Delenn," Anna said from the bed. She's managed to swing her legs over the side. "Lyta, I can't thank you enough. Did you find anything?"she added anxiously.

"I don't know if this is good news or bad news..." Lyta answered, "But there's nothing there." With a wry smile, she added, "Not even a shadow of a Shadow." Anna hung her head, and Lyta went on gently, "You will never remember your time on Z'ha'dum, I'm afraid. It's gone for good."

"What did you want to remember?" asked Delenn. A stab of fear went through her. "And why?"

"I thought I might be able to help," Anna said with a shrug. "if I had any memories of the planet's defenses or the beings there, cities, fortifications. You know, anything useful."

Delenn shook her head and smiled. "Humans constantly amaze me. Your people never give up."

Anna arched an eyebrow. "Seems to me you're about to attack Z'ha'dum. Not giving up must be in the air around here."

"I suppose you are right," said Delenn, starting to laugh, then sobering quickly as she recalled what had brought her to the telepath's quarters. "Lyta, I came to ask a favor."

Lyta listened to Delenn, and after silencing some severe qualms, agreed to confront the Vorlon about his people's future plans. Anna got carefully to her feet, and Delenn put one arm around her, helping her from the room.