-"Ike"-

Back in town, the wind howled as the snow flowed through the night, giving the air a very harsh and foreboding atmosphere. Inside the tavern, most were happy to be inside a warm building, drinking beer and having a good time. That is, save for Ike, who sat in his chair by the fireplace. It was covered in deer hide, with a pair of antlers at the top. Ike slumped forward in the chair, still outraged by Zelda's rejection of him. Where did she come off saying no to him, of all people? She should've dropped to her knees, thanking Ike for such an opportunity even being presented to her. What could possibly make her think she was so much better than him? Slippy stood by Ike's side, trying to comfort him as the hunter grumbled, "Who does that girl think she is? She's tangled with the wrong man. No one says no to Ike!"

"Darn right!" Slippy agreed whole heartedly, bringing over a pair of kegs of beer for them to drink.

"Dismissed! Rejected! Publically humiliated!" Ike exclaimed, taking both kegs from Slippy and, after a moment's deliberation, throwing them into the fire, "Why it's more than I can bear!"

"More beer?" Slippy offered optimistically as Ike turned his chair from the fire place, facing the rest of the room as he demanded, "What for? Nothing helps. I'm disgraced."

"You? Never!" Slippy insisted, coming around to face him, "Ike, you've got to pull yourself together!"

Music began playing as Slippy started singing, "Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Ike, looking so down in the dumps. Every guy here'd love to be you, Ike, even when taking your lumps. There's no man in town as admired as you, you're everyone's favorite guy! Everyone's awed and inspired by you, and it's not very hard to see why! No one… slick like Ike, no one's quick like Ike, no one's neck's as incredibly thick as Ike's! For there's no man in town half as manly; perfect, a pure paragon!"

To prove this point, Slippy took a man's belt, wrapping it around Ike's neck, who proceeded to snap it with just his neck. Slippy then stood up on the table where four men were sitting to get their attention as he continued, "You can ask and Tom, Dick or Stanley, and they'd all tell you who's team they'd prefer to be on!"

The four men then joined in Slippy, singing, "No one… has been like Ike, a king pin like Ike! No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Ike!"

Ike began to lighten up as he flexed his muscles, admiring, "As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!"

Slippy and everyone in the tavern then began singing, "My what a guy, that Ike! Give five 'hurrahs!', give twelve 'hip-hips!'! Ike is the best, and all the rest is drips! No one… fights like Ike! Douses fights like Ike!"

"In a wrestling match, no one bites like Ike!" One man in particular spoke out, showing off the bite marks Ike gave him in the match they had recently. Peach, Daisy and Rosaline then began singing, sitting on a bench, "There's no one as burly or brawny!"

Ike proved this by picking up the bench holding the three ladies with one hand, bragging, "As you see I've got biceps to spare!"

"Not a bit of him is scraggly or scrawny!" Slippy chimed in as Ike agreed, opening his shirt as he sang, "That's right! And every last inch of me is covered in hair!"

"No one… hits like Ike! Matches wits like Ike!" Everyone began singing (the last part was ironically true since the one time Ike did try playing Chess, he destroyed the board after five moves), "In a spitting match no one spits like Ike!"

"I'm especially good at expectorating!" Ike sang proudly, his ego returned to its glory, "When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs every morning to help me get large! And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs so I'm roughly the size of a barge!"

Everyone then began singing once more, "My what a guy that Ike! No one… shoots like Ike, makes those beauts like Ike! Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Ike!"

"I use antlers in all my decorating!"Ike boosted as everyone sang, "My what a guy, that Ike!"

Everyone cheered for Ike as he held up his hands. At that moment, Olimar burst into the tavern, nearly hyperventilating. Everyone looked in his direction as he exclaimed, "Help! Someone has got to help me! He's got her in the dungeon! He took Zelda!"

"Who took Zelda?" Ike asked as Olimar exclaimed, "A beast! A terrible beast!"

Everyone stared at Olimar disbelievingly as a trio of man chuckled amongst themselves, then walked towards Olimar, asking one at a time, "Is it a big beast?"

"Huge!"

"With a long ugly snout?"

"Hideously ugly!"

"And sharp cruel fangs?"

"Yes, yes, yes!" Olimar confirmed, "Won't anyone help please?"

"All right," Ike smiled condescendingly, walking over to him, "We'll help you."

"You will?" Olimar beamed with delight, oblivious to the sarcasm, "Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Unfortunately for Olimar, Ike's idea of helping him was throwing him out in the snow. Everyone laughed as they closed the door, leaving Olimar out in the cold. Inside, everyone was amused by this, one person remarking, "Crazy old Olimar."

"He's always good for a laugh," Someone else added. Ike sat in his chair by the fire, considering, "Crazy old Olimar…"

"What is it Ike?" Slippy asked, coming over to Ike's chair as he answered, singing, "Slippy I'm afraid I've been thinking."

"A dangerous past time," Slippy pointed out, Ike agreeing, "I know. But that whacky old coot is Zelda's father, and his sanity is only so-so. Now the wheels in my head have been turning since I've looked at that loony old man. See, I've promised myself I'd marry Zelda, and right now I'm evolving a plan."

Slippy leaned in close as Ike whispered the plan to him. After he was done, Slippy beamed, "I got it!"

The two then began to sing, "No one… plots like Ike! Takes cheap shots like Ike! Plans to persecute harmless crackpots like Ike!"

Ike beamed, "Yes, I'm endlessly wildly resourceful!"

"As down to the depths as you descend!" Slippy joined in.

"I won't be even mildly remorseful," Ike shrugged as the two sang, "Just so long as I (you) get what I (you) want! Who has brains like Ike? Entertains like Ike? Who can make up these endless refrains like Ike? And his marriage we will soon be celebrating! My what a guy, that Ike!"

Ike and Slippy laughed as they developed their plan. Meanwhile, outside in the cold, Olimar wandered through the streets, calling out, "Won't someone please help me?"

Man, what a bastard :b anyways, hope everyone's enjoying so far. See ya next time!