Finding Waldo
Digital_Hex
Chapter Two
"Shas'la! Did you hear me, damn it?!" the Fire Warrior screamed, his orange Tau sept armour almost getting brighter in anger.
I looked around. Was he talking to me?
"Uh, are you talking to me?" I asked, pointing at myself.
He face-palmed. Like, full on, smacked himself in face as hard as he could. Wait, I'd seen that pose before...
"YES!" he bellowed.
Yep. I knew who this was. Which was completely impossible, but I still know who this was.
I had a model of a Fire Warrior who was the Shas'ui of one o my Fire Warrior units. He was face-palming... exactly like he'd just done. Like, if I'd taken a picture of him face palming, with his knees slightly bent and hips cocked to the side just so, it would have perfectly matched the model.
"Paul'so?"
"You will address me as Shas'ui, damn Shas'la!" he barked.
"Damn brah, you're a little crotchety there, aren't you?"
Paul'so tore off his helmet as he stormed over to me, wrapping his thick fingers around my throat and hoisting me up.
"WE ARE ALL THAT REMAIN OF FIRE TEAM FLAMINGO AND YOU'RE CALLING ME CROTCHETY?!"
I couldn't help it. I snickered.
"Flamingo?" I asked the blue alien in front of me. "That's really the best you have? Flamingo?"
This was a dream. A really life-like dream for sure, but a dream. It had to be.
Paul'so slapped me across the face with the back of his hand. I realized I wasn't wearing a helmet myself, as it hurt pretty bad.
It hurt.
Dreams don't hurt.
I was literally being bitch-slapped by a fire warrior.
A WEAPON SKILL TWO FIRE WARRIOR!
I pushed Paul'so away from me.
"Hey, back the fuck off!" I yelled, reaching for my gun. Pulling it out, I leveled my Pulse Rifle dangerously near him, keeping the barrel pointed a safe distance away from him.
"There we go, there's some spark, kid!" Paul'so growled, smirking. It seemed that me threatening him made him excited.
I liked this guy.
Okay, so I was a Fire Warrior now. Sure. That made total sense.
Suddenly, a sharp bolt of red light bled between Paul'so and I, biting a hole into the concrete wall beside us.
I looked over to see a unit of guardsmen running full speed towards us, guns drawn and blazing-
And I continued to watch as many of the shots flew short of us, smashing into the lower wall of our structure.
I sneered.
"Conscripts," I muttered. Within seconds, they were close enough that I could hear a good number of vulgar profanities being hurled towards us, most likely the most dangerous of their weapons.
I rolled my eyes as I spun the end of my rifle to face them, then pulled the trigger. I expected a mighty recoil from the fearsome gun, but instead was treated with a tame shudder as field after field of charging energy broke from the edge of the barrel, sending screaming rounds of Pulse fire into the bodies of the guardsmen.
If the conscripts' shooting was what came from ballistic skill two, then mine had to have been at least a four. The rifle was so easy to handle, I just had to keep the stock resting on my shoulder and the spread from the fire landed a hit almost every time. Sure, I was a little high or low a few times, but twenty-three shots later, and twenty conscripts were conveniently sporting massive head wounds.
As in, I'd gibbed them in their fugly mugs. Suck it IG.
Paul'so gaped at me in awe.
"You... you are a true marksman, Shas'la..."
I shrugged. "Not really, aiming isn't very hard with these. I'm used to more recoil, honestly."
Paul'so opened his mouth to say something, but suddenly we were thrown from our feet as the package from an earthshaker cannon crashed and detonated not too far from us, tossing us through the air.
"FUCK!" I screamed as I smashed against the concrete wall again. I pried myself off of it and took a good look at where exactly I was. It looked like the stone entrance to a library or large office building, with a really big fancy concrete wall and small concrete fences encircling it. We were deep in the middle of a big city, I could tell. There were many tall buildings all around us.
"Why are the Imperial Guard shooting at us?!" I bellowed at Paul'so as another round of the earthshaker cannon smashed down a safer distance away from us, tearing a nice crater into the pavement. Dirt flew everywhere. He must have been firing blind, that meant full scatter...
"We told them to surrender to the greater good, but they dared deny our expansion!"
Now it was my turn to facepalm.
"Seriously? That's it?"
Paul'so nodded with vigor as we hugged the wall. We waited for the next earthshaker round.
"That's it," I said while throwing my hands in the air. "Obviously I'm high on some shit. How do I leave?"
This was bullshit. Suddenly a Fire Warrior fighting the Imperial Guard on some stupid planet for the most cut-and-dry stereotypical of Tau reasons? Really? I quit. It was a fun game, but this was kind of stupid.
"Leave?" Paul'so asked. "You don't just leave! We almost have the relic!"
I groaned out loud. We were playing a mission of the Relic?!
"Fiiine," I whined as I slung my rifle over my shoulder. "But I want a promotion after this."
Paul'so held his pulse carbine at the low and ready position. "If you can keep shooting like that, you just might."
I winced at the poor dialogue. Were the Tau seriously this cheesy? I mean, I know we have Riptides and that type of cheese, but this... I expected this corniness from Eldar, not Tau.
"Sure thing, boss!" I said in a poor mockery of an ork voice, and followed after Paul'so. We indeed were the only remaining members of our squad, but now I could see that first-hand.
Three Fire Warriors with a small pink flamingo on their shoulder pieces lay crumpled against the lower wall, chests riddled with las-burns. It looked like the conscripts had done more than I'd thought of them. Did that mean Paul'so and I's little argument had been our leadership check?
"Check the scanner for the Relic's location," Paul'so commanded. I cocked an eyebrow.
"Uh... scanner?"
"On your BELT," Paul'so growled. He really was like a crotchety old man... even though he was probably only, like, twenty or so. Lol.
I looked down and sure enough, clipped to my belt next to six disc-like grenades was a small rectangular scanner. I pulled it off my belt and flipped a switch on the side. Immediately, a small LED screen lit up, a grid appearing on it in thin green lines. A small blue blip I assumed to be us was only a short distance from a yellow square, only a couple blocks away. That was probably the relic.
"It's two blocks that way," I said as I pointed in the direction of the relic.
Paul'so nodded and led the way. I followed.
None of this was real, right? I kept asking myself that as we slowly made our way through the ruins, weapons drawn and at the ready. I kept myself entertained with the idea that this was just some weird trip I was on... even though I never tripped on anything other than my two feet-
Curious, I looked down. Sure enough, instead of feet, I had two odd-looking blue hoof-like things jutting from my ankles. Awesome.
"This day just keeps getting weirder and weirder," I mumbled. Paul'so didn't hear me, but he decided to try and start up a little conversation.
"So, Shas'la, what is your given name? Where are you from?"
I thought hard. I could give him my real name... or I could have a little fun...
"I am Wal'do," I said while trying to keep from cracking a grin, "And I hail from Non'ya."
Yes. I went there. Good jokes never die.
Paul'so, though, obviously didn't get my joke. "Ah. Shas'la Wal'do of Non'ya. Very good."
Nope. This couldn't be real. Nobody could honestly be stupid enough to think none ya was a place.
This was going to be rough.