Crossroads of Destiny

The memory comes rushing back to me and I am forced to relive every single moment of it all over again.

Merlin closed the door, but I didn't hear the click of a lock before he leaned back against it, nor see that usual playful sparkle in his eyes. The red scarf that seemed to define him was nowhere to be seen, and the only thing he was wearing was his blue tunic, a few buttons casually undone. He acted strangely stiff, and I didn't know how to respond to it. I reached for his hand, but he drew away, brushing past me. Merlin was clean shaven, and I could smell a faint scent of fresh soap following him. He had his back to me as he touched a candle standing next to my bed. We were both quiet for a moment.

"It is dark, Morgana. You should lit this one." he said. I said nothing. The sun had just set about an hour ago, and you could still see the beautiful traces of yellow, red and purple coloring the evening sky. Merlin was right. The light didn't reach my room, and the candle wasn't lit. The candle hadn't been lit once since I got back from the druids, just like Merlin hadn't looked at me once since he had closed the door behind him. That's how I knew something was wrong.

"Are you okay?" I whispered. Merlin didn't answer. His hand fell from the candle to his side and slowly made a fist. I bit my lip. I wanted to wrap my arms around his waist, feel his warmth on me, but somehow I knew I couldn't. I just stood there, uncertain, wishing I could bridge the distance between us, not knowing how to reach him. A nervous anxiety spread through my stomach.

"Merlin?"

He let out a quiet sigh, and his shoulders slumped.

"I talked to Arthur this evening," he said. His tone was flat, emotionless. A cold spread through me and twisted my stomach with knots. There was something about the way he said it, that made me dread what was to come.

"About Gwen."

Gwen. The happiness I felt when Gwen was brought home safely today surged through me. The day after I was forced to leave the druids, she suggested to go out riding to cheer me up, but certain men ambushed us and took us with them. Gwen sacrificed herself for me when she was injured, allowing me to escape. Merlin and Arthur rode out the same night to find her. I remembered not being able to sleep of worry. I didn't know what these men had planned to do with Gwen, but if any harm had come to her, I would have never forgiven myself.

"I had never seen him like that," Merlin continued, pulling me back into his story. "About anyone. He barely ate, barely slept. His whole mind was set on saving her. It was like he wouldn't allow himself to rest before he had found her. It was obvious he cared about her, so I pushed him to admit his feelings, urged him to just say it. Then he shouted that he couldn't."

Merlin paused, and stared at the ground for a moment. His mouth twisted the tiniest bit. When he continued, his voice wasn't as even as before.

"How could he admit that… he thought about her all the time. Or that… he cared about her more than anyone. How could he admit that, he wouldn't know what he would do if any harm came to her."

Merlin slowly turned around. When he finally looked up at me, the cold stabbed holes in my chest. In a rare moment of total honesty, his intense blue eyes betrayed everything. They were filled with all the affection and warmth I had seen before, but also with a frightening deep sort of grief. I knew right then that he wasn't just talking about Arthur and Gwen. And even though that thought should have filled me with warmth, it didn't. Because I knew that something bad was coming. Because there was something even deeper in his eyes, something which I absolutely did not want to see there.

"So I asked him why he couldn't." Merlin swallowed. "It was because nothing could even happen between them. To admit his feelings, knowing that, hurt too much." He looked away from me. It hurt too much. I played the words over and over in my head, trying to understand the meaning behind his words. Then in a flash, I did. With a roll of nausea, I realized what he was about to do.

"Merlin…" I started, with an alarmed tone in my voice.

"Arthur will be king one day, you know." Merlin continued, ignoring me. " He has a chance to change it all."

"Merlin, no."

"Perhaps he still loves her then, perhaps he doesn't."

"Merlin, please. "

"Either way he has that choice. He can have that fairytale ending." He slowed down. "We however…" He turned his gaze to me, eyes piercing through my very soul.

"Please."

"…can't." I gasped for breath. A lump formed in my throat, and I grabbed the table, nails boring into the surface as I tried to brace myself for what was coming. I didn't want him to say it. I didn't want him to say the words I knew were next. Merlin was everything to me. He was the only one who knew me, truly knew me, and the only one whom I thought I could rely on and comfort me, who would stand by me through anything. Merlin consumed every inch of my being without even trying, and I couldn't imagine existing without him.

"Don't do this." My voice was barely a whisper.

"We have to stop this, Morgana," he said quietly, tearing a hole through my heart. "I can't do it anymore."

I swallowed hard and shook my head, as if this wasn't real if I didn't accept it. Begging him with my eyes, I stared at him, hoping he would take it back, tell me he was kidding. He only looked away from me. The pain in my heart became a sick and fiery gnawing. I wanted to tell him everything I was thinking. Hurt and pain and anger and rage flashed through me, succeeding one another, alternating. I wanted to scream and beg, hold him, hit him, cry. But there was only one thing I managed to say.

"Why?" I asked, tears stinging in my eyes.

"You know why."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't! You just said something about Arthur being king, and you being unable to do this anymore!" I shouted, throwing my hands up.

"Because we have no future together!" Merlin snapped.

I felt like I had been slapped. For a moment, I stood in stunned silence, just listening to the sound of my heartbeat echo in my ears. Merlin sighed and made a helpless hand gesture.

"You are a princess, Morgana. A princess." His voice was tormented. "I am nothing more than a low life servant, and that's all I will ever be –"

"You think I care about that?" I interrupted him angrily "You think I care about the money, the lands, the clothes, the prestige? You think that's worth anything to me? I don't want to be a stupid princess, they can pick another one for all I care! I don't care about you being a servant, about you not being 'worthy enough' or something!" My voice became louder as my desperation grew. "I hate Uther, I hate having to pretend I'm his loving ward when I'm scared to death he'll kill me and I can't imagine being trapped in here like some sort of animal! The only thing I want, the only thing I care about is you."

Merlin's eyes softened, but he shook his head slowly.

"You say that now, but what about five years from now? Ten, maybe? What if you realize there's nothing more to me and you've given up everything you loved, including Arthur and Gwen? What then? Arthur may perhaps choose whom to marry, but as Uther's ward, someone will be chosen for you with everything in the world at his disposal. He will be able to give you all sorts of things that I never can. Some ruler of a neighboring kingdom will one day ask for your hand, and you will accept…"

"No I won't."

"Yes, you will." He smiled sadly. "You will accept because it will stop a war or forge an alliance to make Camelot stronger, and you will be the beautiful and just queen I know you to be." He reached out and tentatively touched my cheek, wiping a tear away. "You've got so much going for you, Morgana, and I cannot hold you back. I refuse to."

"We could meet in secret," I whispered. I knew that it was impossible, that we couldn't go on like that, but I couldn't help myself. "We have for so long, nobody will notice. And perhaps… we could find a way around Uther, perhaps we could find a way for us. Please just don't, just don't do this. " I reached for a part of his shirt and squeezed it until my knuckles were white. I could feel him shiver slightly under my touch. I didn't want to let him go. I wanted to curl into him and stay there forever.

"Arthur has already started to suspect something. The risk is too big. If Uther ever found out….Besides, to what end would it be? I'd rather cut it off now, than be with you and dread the day when you'll be taken away from me."

"I don't understand." I knew my voice was only an inch away from breaking. "Don't you love me?"

"Love you?" His voice cracked and he let out a short laugh, as if the question was ridiculous. His gaze softened and he cupped his hand around my face, forcing me to look into his eyes. "Morgana, you are my very existence. I love you, I breathe you, I can't think on the days that we meet because I know that I'll be with you. The moment you walked into that party in that red dress, you stunned me into silence. You seemed to move through it like a fairy through a story, the light treating you differently than it did others, the air seemed to gather around you like held breath. You completely captivated me. I had to get to know you, be close to you, even though I knew you would be my undoing."

"Why?" I asked desperately, and I couldn't stop the tears anymore. He ran his fingers along my cheek, his voice gentler than before.

"Because it doesn't matter what I want. I can't fight centuries of traditions, and neither can you. Even if Arthur didn't suspect us, even if Uther never found out, we'll never end up together. Nothing can change that, no matter how much you wish it wasn't so. No matter how much I wish it was different."

"We'll try to find another way. Just please, please don't leave me alone." I begged. Another thought was creeping into my head. Being alone, facing my magic and Uther without him, without Merlin….terrified me. I clasped my hands around his desperately, not wanting to let go. Merlin closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against mine.

"I have no other choice."

"Then run away with me." I could feel his eyebrows arc in surprise. He pulled his head away from mine to look at me.

"You would do that? Leave everything behind?" he said appalled, but I could hear the hope in his tone. I was so close to him I could feel the warmth of his breath.

"I would do anything for you," I replied softly, and I knew it was true. Merlin hesitated. His eyes burned with such an intense longing it was overwhelming, and I was almost convinced he would take my offer. Then, suddenly, the longing was replaced with something else. He let go of me and slowly shook his head. The restraint it took him was almost visible.

"We've tried that before, haven't we?" he said ruefully. I frowned.

"With the druids," he explained, and all the hope I had vanished. "Uther didn't rest until he found you, arrested every single man or woman suspected of sorcery, and would have them all executed if you hadn't been brought back to him. He would do it again in a heartbeat. Hundreds of innocent people, Morgana. All dead. Could you live with that? Could you go on with your life, knowing that you're the one who could've prevented it all?"

I took a deep breath, halting more tears crawling up my throat.

"No," I whispered. Merlin nodded, his eyes full of pain.

"No," he repeated softly. He moved closer, and I could feel him kissing my forehead. I closed my eyes.

"Goodbye, Morgana," he said, and I felt a tear on my cheek.

"Please don't do this…" A soft wind brushed past me as he turned around. I opened my eyes and saw him moving towards the door. I couldn't believe that was the end of it. I let out a short, bitter laugh.

"So that's it?" I say. "You're not even going to fight for me? You're not even going to try?" Merlin kept on walking. I ran after him.

"Merlin? Merlin, please!" I shouted at him, the tears now fully streaming down my face. He finally paused at the doorway, his back turned to me. His hand was trembling, and he slowly made a fist.

"I love you, Morgana," he said, without looking back. "Never forget that." Then he left, closing the door behind him.

Something inside me broke. I clamped my hand over my mouth and screamed into my palm. My cheeks were hot and wet with tears and I heard his words in my mind over and over again, telling me he couldn't be with me anymore. Pain stabbed through me as everything I was made of fell apart, my entire world dismantled in a moment.

"Please." I whispered. My legs collapsed beneath me, and I fell to my knees, the cold of the tiles creeping through my entire body. I buried my face in my hands and started sobbing.