Crossroads of Destiny
The bitter pain hits me like a force of nature. Everything I've kept buried inside me comes rushing back to the surface like a devastating hurricane, draining me of all I have left. I feel like I am edging toward a precipice, some terrible hurtling fall into nothing and nowhere. I shouldn't let him hurt me again, but I can't help it. The wound springs open fresh, the heartache so overwhelming, it's like he's leaving me all over again. Merlin lowers his eyes, but not before I've seen a flash of pain in them. He knows exactly what I'm talking about.
"You never really trusted me, did you?" I say, barely concealing the bitterness in my voice. "Not enough to keep our secret, to find a way, to…'
"I didn't have a choice." He interrupts me. "I did what was best for you."
"I didn't care, Merlin!" I snap at him. "I didn't care that you left to protect me, to protect my honour, or whatever. I didn't care! Right then, it didn't matter what your reasons were. You left me, alone and afraid." Familiar pangs of ice shoot through my heart, like a knife stabbing me over and over again. My voice cracks, and I can feel the tears crawling up my throat. "All I know is that the moment you walked out that door, you broke my heart."
The air is heavy with silence. Merlin stares at me, a thousand wars playing in his eyes. An aura of grey seems to surround him and his shoulders are slumped, as if a giant boulder is laid on his shoulders. He opens his mouth, snaps it shut again. Then he slowly shakes his head.
"Morgana, I never knew…"
"Oh, you knew, Merlin." Anger surges through me. "You knew. You abandoned me in what may have been the lowest point in my life, leaving me all alone to cope with my magic. I was scared and confused, I didn't know what was happening to me, and I didn't know how to stop it." My lips tremble and I close my eyes. "All the while I was forced to be by Uther's side and look in his eyes, knowing that if he found out who I truly am, he'd have me killed."
I can hardly bear to look at him. I want him to feel what I felt, to really feel the cost of what he did to me, even though I can never hurt him enough to make his betrayal stop hurting. And it hurts, in every part of my body.
"Do you know what that's like? Sitting right next to your most dangerous enemy, continuously holding your breath, fear gulfing over you when you accidentally say something wrong?" I notice my voice getting higher and higher, but I don't care. "Do you know what it's like, smiling and talking to him, all the while imagining how he will rip your tongue out of your throat and watch flames burn you to the ground?"
"Morgana…" Merlin starts, but I won't let him finish.
"And you. After that night, you didn't climb into my bed to hold me and stroke my back anymore, whispering that it would be alright, that you would protect me. You didn't look for alternative options to control my magic anymore, you didn't even pretend to know what went on inside my head." I pierce his gaze, filling it with every accusation I can manage. Tears sting at the corners of my eyes. "You didn't comfort me, you didn't talk to me, you didn't even look me in the eye! You avoided me completely, walked away when I called you, didn't look up when you felt I was watching you. You might not have been my lover anymore, but you weren't even my friend!"
"I couldn't be your friend anymore, Morgana!" Merlin finally snaps.
His breath comes out in tiny clouds. For a moment, neither of us say anything. Merlin sighs and runs a hand through his hair. When he looks at me again, his expression is so earnest it takes my breath away.
"I didn't know how to. I… didn't know how I could be with you, be around you, without wanting to kiss you every second, without wanting to taste your lips or feel your warmth." His voice trembles. He moves toward me, but I step back and run into the pillar, so I'm backed-up against it. "I didn't… know how to talk to you without confessing how I felt or how beautiful you are, I didn't know how to look you in the eyes without fear of falling for them all over again!" Merlin lets out a sigh. "I couldn't be just your friend, Morgana. I just couldn't," he says softly.
I slowly shake my head in disbelief. "That's it? That's your excuse?" Merlin opens his mouth to reply, but I let out a short, bitter laugh. "So you thought it better to watch me sob my eyes out, and grow scared for everything around me? You thought it better that… I didn't dare to do anything anymore, in fear of accidentally using my magic?" I throw up my hands. "That you stayed away from me, because being with me was actually worse than me facing this alone." I stare at him uncertainly. "You really thought that was better?" The last part only came out in a whisper. I bite my lip and look away from him. My throat is aching from the tears that crawl up but can't come out.
"And you judge me for not being content to live like that, for not being willing to stand by and watch innocents, my own kind, be slaughtered? Magic will never be allowed in Camelot, and all the while the killing and fear will continue, you know that! Unless I take the throne." Anger begins to tinge my words again, and my voice grows louder. "And you judge me for turning to Morgause, the only one who understands me and accepts me, the only one who comforts me and doesn't make me feel like I'm a monster?"
"You think you'll find happiness through her?" Merlin scoffs, his eyes blazing. "Can't you see her for what she really is? She's using you, Morgana. She.."
"Don't you dare!" I yell at him. I push against his chest, but he comes back to me. I can't believe he's this selfish! How dare he to pretend to know what's right for me? "Don't you dare say anything bad about her! You have no right, you have no right!" I punch his chest over and over again. "Morgause saved me! Gave me exactly what I needed. All you do is say you're protecting me, while all the while you trap me here with you!" I push him off.
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"This!" I gesture between the two of us. "I can't be with you, and I can't be without you. And I'm stuck in it with no way out. I still love you, and I can't stop, and nothing can ever come of it!"
Merlin's eyes soften and he moves closer to me. "Morgana…"
"No!" I shout at him, trying to move away from him, but I can't go further backwards. "I hate that you do this to me. I hate how crazy you make me. I hate you!"
The compassion in his eyes is replaced with something deeper that I can't describe. He reaches out, gently brushing a strand of hair back from my forehead. I jerk my head away, but he doesn't move his hand. He moves right in front of me, so his body presses firmly against mine. I try to push him off again, but he grabs my hand and pins them above my head with one arm. He slowly brings his face closer to mine. His breath is warm upon my skin and I am struck with his earthy scent, like burning wood in a fireplace. With his hand underneath my chin, he tilts my head up towards him. His eyes are so bright and deep, and they take my breath away the way they always have. His fingers softly trace along my hairline. The fight inside me disappears, but the passion still lingers.
"I hate that I do this to you," Merlin said, his voice low. His eyes are still on mine, and I can feel the rough callus of his fingertips on my soft skin. "I hate that I make you crazy. I love you."
He leans in and kisses me. After the first touch of his lips fire leaps up and roars through my belly. As soon as he lets go of my hands I am lost. I yank him close to me, my heart hammering in my chest. An intense warmth radiates off his skin and his arm feels warm and strong around my waist, crushing me to him as if wanting to meld us together. His breathing is deep and loud in my ear. I knot my fingers in his hair and bite down on his bottom lip, making him groan. His lips part, and my tongue sweeps in to dance with his. I can feel the strong counters of his muscles against the soft curves of mine, and his light stubble scraped against my check. I pushed his mouth more eagerly against mine, kissing him until I couldn't breathe. I want to completely lose myself to the feel, to the sensation, to the electricity that shot through my body as he laid his lips against mine, but a voice of realization gnaws at me. Suddenly I realize what I'm doing, and terror spreads within me. My stomach flutters with butterflies, then twists with knots.
"No."
I pull my mouth from his, gasping for breath. I put my hands on his chest and push him away.
Merlin's eyes are confused, still burning with the intensity of a thousand suns. His hand reaches for my face, but I step to the side. Merlin watches me walk backward away from him. His expression is so desperate and vulnerable, it makes my chest ache.
"No," I say softly, doing everything I can to gather my thoughts. But his kiss has left me feeling dazed and disarmed. His hand hangs still in the air, as if he can still run his fingers down my face.
"Morgana…" he starts, attempting to come closer.
"No!" I yank away, my fists shaking with sudden confusion and anger. My head slowly clears. I wonder if this this has been his plan all along. I can't trust him. Ever. I can't let myself.
"God, what is it with you! What were you thinking? Kiss me and then leave me too weak to protect myself? Too confused to argue with you?"
Merlin looks stunned.
"No, that's not what I was…"
"Then what? Were you trying to prove something? That just by kissing me you could prove your hold over me? Confuse me, manipulate me into destroying the staff so it wouldn't hurt your friends?"
Merlin lowers his hand.
"I just…want you to come back to our side. Please, it doesn't have to be like this. We can find another way."
That stings. I should have known that Merlin is only here for Camelot. I should have been prepared for it, but I'm not. For I had this hope, this little hope, like a tiny flame in my heart, that Merlin was here for me. But he isn't. And it hurt. But not as much as what will hurt next.
"Another way like what? Poisoning me?" And then my voice finally breaks.
There it is. That moment, that horrifying moment that I have been reliving over and over again. For more than a year, I tried to push it off, pretend that it didn't matter to me, while in truth…it had ripped my heart to shreds.
I had felt a wet tear rolling down my cheek. Tasted the salt in it. Felt the warmth of it. But it wasn't as warm as the touch of Merlin's hand handing me that flask. I still remember that stupid little flutter in my stomach when our hands slightly brushed each other, that little happiness when he finally touched me for the first time again in months, hell, looked at me for the first time in months. I had seen the citizens of Camelot falling down right next to me, and I had seen the terror in Arthur's eyes as he fought to stay awake. The guilt had built up inside me like a bag of bricks pulling me down. As I ripped cloth after cloth apart, I desperately tried to figure out ways to tell my sister to stop, that I didn't want it after all. The clinging of swords had rung through the room behind the door that separated us from Arthur and the dark knights, and I was painfully reminded of what my stupid act could mean for the lives of Merlin and Arthur, but I didn't know how I could reach Morgause in time. As I was debating, Merlin handed me that flask. And I was grateful to him. The gratefulness had spread within me like a warm comforting fire, the one that you stretch your hands to when your cold on a wintery night. For I had, foolishly, mistaken his eagerness for worry, his red eyes for tired ones, his back to me as a sign of strength. I had, foolishly, mistaken him for that person who cared for me, for that person who gave me the last of water when his throat was aching of thirst, for that person who stayed with me all night when I was terrified to go to sleep. And it had cost me. Greatly.
I had taken a big sip, and closed my eyes at the satisfying feeling of the fresh, crisp water softening my dry throat. But the water turned cold, very cold. And very heavy. Quickly. Within seconds, the liquid spread like an icy fury within me, like metal coursing through my veins and cutting either sides of them. I tried to gasp for breath, but it crawled down all the way to my lungs and snapped them tight. My insides were burning with such overwhelming agony that I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. The liquid slowly, agonizingly slowing, pulled the air in my throat tighter and tighter until I could only squeak in high pitched sounds. I looked down at the flask. Then up to Merlin. At first I didn't understand why he didn't help me. Something was wrong with the water, how come he didn't he feel… Then I saw it. Barely noticeable, barely seen. A small, confirming nod.
Time seemed to slow down. Slowly, very slowly, realization set in like the pieces of a puzzle falling and fitting together. One by one I added up, and the horrifying, shocking truth of it devastated me more than any tormenting pain of that liquid could. Merlin, my Merlin...had poisoned me.