She rechecked the wards of her flat, and stepped into her bedroom where a pensieve sat; she had borrowed it from Mad-eye as Remus had suggested. He probably thought that she wanted to observe the battle of Astronomy tower, to study the moves of the Death Eaters and she wasn't about to alter his thinking. She was nervous to see it and she didn't want anybody to disturb her. She had asked Remus to accompany her, but he had refused, not giving her any concrete reason. She partly understood because it might be uncomfortable for him to re-live his memories in presence of someone.
He had told her that the memories were in chronological order; each flask was labeled with a date, or at least the month & year. She was also nervous because digging things from the past wasn't always good. But since he had personally applied lot of thought in it, she trusted it to be not upsetting. She slowly poured the bottles in pensieve one by one. She took a deep breath and plunged her face into it, immediately experiencing the swooning sensation.
It was Grimmauld Place's parlor. The only light in the room was that from the fireplace. There, on one armchair sat Remus, with his feet up on a stool; he looked lazy enough and on another one sat- Her breath hitched when she saw her now dead cousin. Remus had warned her about this and she was prepared yet not really prepared. Though it had been a year, his memories were still fresh and fragile in her mind. Sirius too sat on an armchair, with his feet propped up on the same stool. It simply looked like two dear friends chatting.
"Tonks thinks you think she's annoying." Sirius suddenly blurted, out of the blue.
Remus looked mildly surprised and turned his head slowly. "I don't?"
Sirius raised his palms to halt him. "Not me, she thinks so."
"No, she's not annoying; she's... a tough person even though she doesn't really shows it... yet." he said conversationally. "I just hope young people like her, don't have to fight war..." he trailed off.
"Excuse me! I don't know about you, but I am young too Remus. It's not my age too to fight the war. It's not Minevra's or Albus's age too, to fight the war, they are too old, they should be enjoying retirement benefits right now, not planning strategies for warfare."
"Alright, I know it. I know there's no appropriate age to be in war. Look at us, we joined order at eighteen- nineteen, and look where we are? Half of us are dead, and those who are alive like us... I just hope this all would stop. I worry about every new person consenting to fight; Tonks, Weasleys, Harry and his friends... I- I know how war will change them. Though I admire her for joining the Order and taking the initiative." he finished grimly.
They fell back into silence once again, when Sirius suddenly spoke.
"She still thinks you think she's annoying."
Remus gave a genuine smile at that. "I will make sure to change her opinion."
As per the date on the bottle, this memory was of after the few days she had first met Remus. She had looked to all members as her seniors; and she had been a bit unsure about how they all perceived her. Out of all of them, she had found Remus the most mysterious. Though he hadn't been blatantly unwelcoming, he had been a bit hesitant around her. Now she understood though, he hadn't thought that she was irritating but he genuinely worried about people who were fighting; it was disconcerting to him. May be she reminded him of himself. How they all used to be prior to joining Order. She also remembered that after few days, Remus had made a genuine effort to know her; he had helped her through workings of the Order. Now, she knew, this change had been after his conversation with Sirius, where it had been told to him that she thought that he thought that she was annoying. That was the beginning of their good, warm and long friendship. She silently thanked Sirius.
The scene swirled away forming a new familiar one. She remembered this very well. It was about after two months of their introduction. They were just returning from a patrol duty and were taking a pretty long walk up to the apparition point. It was almost midnight; therefore the street was mostly deserted except from few on-goers. By this time she had started enjoying his company vastly and she had hoped that he did too. It was exciting to watch this old scene from front, watching them both walking together, next to each other.
They were talking about random things; their gait was not that of people trying to hurry home but that of people walking leisurely.
This time she focused on Remus's reaction to everything.
They saw some- apparently some young drunken muggle in his 20s, coming towards their side. They thought nothing of it, though Remus's eye flickered towards the man, whose eye in turn was fixed on Tonks, now that she saw closely, rather maliciously. Tonks herself was looking in another direction, unaware of the dirty gaze. Remus's shoulder stiffened a bit and his hand went deftly inside his pocket, closing around his wand. Just as that man approached her, he leered at her rather like a pig; suddenly plunging his hands on her waist turning to corner her and aiming to separate her from Remus, giving her only a second to react.
Remus's frown deepened and he immediately took out his wand; but before Remus could even flick his wand, before he could even start whatever incantation was on his lips, Tonks, like a ninja, had not only managed to throw the stranger's hands off her, but had also managed to almost knock him out, by some well timed and positioned kicks and punches on his sensitive body parts. At the end, only after about five seconds, the man lay on ground groaning in pain at a metre's length, Tonks was panting heavily, and Remus was still half frozen, with his wand in the air.
"Let's go, the apparition point is right there now." she said as if she has just tripped on a stone and nothing out of ordinary had happened; then cheerfully walking away leaving both of them behind.
This time she saw Remus staring after her, his shock a bit ebbed away, with a very loving smile on his face and she knew what that smile meant. It was the kind of smile she herself had for Remus. It was a smile of someone deeply impressed by the other, comprised of respect and care. It was a smile of admiration.
"She's sexy." he whispered to almost himself, still staring on the spot where she had disappeared.
Tonks almost choked on her own breath when she heard word 'sexy' coming out from Remus's mouth. Even till now, Remus had often given her some complements in terms of how well she worked, or how good she was in DADA, among them one had been that 'she was pretty'. But never had she heard nor imagined Remus thinking her as sexy.
Remus removed his gaze from the far away point, turning to look at the man still whining in pain, holding his stomach. He covered the distance between them, effectively planting a kick in his shin. "Watch it." he almost growled.
He walked away without even bothering to look back. After this event, she had experienced a shift in their growing friendship, albeit a subtle one. She supposed by that time, they both might have had a little bit crush on each other, though she was sure none of them had exactly fallen in love. She was also glad that their love hadn't been first sight kind of thing but that it had grown slowly and deeply with time. That day when they had reached headquarters, he had joked that she'd hurt his man pride by handling the situation all by herself without even his intervention. She had proceeded to tell him that how in her training days she was the only girl and it was all male domination and she had to do what she could to establish her identity. That's why she had admired Mad-eye so much; he had never been partial because she was the lone girl but whatever hard time he had given her was for her own benefit so that she could stand out in the crowd. Remus had also tended to her hand that night with ice pack, which had swollen after all the power punches. She knew that they had grown closer ever since.
The scene blurred and a new one formed again. This one was again of Grimmauld Place, but this time it was the Kitchen. Her whole love story had formed in Grimmauld Place she realized suddenly.
Remus entered through the door of the kitchen, moving towards the counter, he looked sleepy enough, when he halted in his tracks. He looked to his right and saw a sleeping figure on the kitchen table.
It was Tonks.
She was sitting on the chair, with her head placed on the table, one hand tucked beneath her head and the other one on her knee. Remus quietly moved closer and it became clear that she had fallen asleep on couple of her reports, nearby two candles sat burning and melting. He looked at the clock on the wall; it was about one in the morning.
The real Tonks watched the scene closely. Remus wasn't exactly in his formal wear; he was barefooted for once with his two-three shirt buttons open, his hair too weren't arranged in a neat array. He looked different and kind of cute. He had been up for some late night reading or Order work maybe. She tried to jog her memory, of when this scene was of but she couldn't because there were simply so many times that she had fallen asleep on her ministry reports.
Remus gently and very slowly, took out the reports from below her head, all the while supporting her head with his one hand, and seated himself with same slow pace beside her. He looked curious enough to want to know what these reports were about. He flicked page after page, reading them in the light of candles when he came to a conclusion that these reports were vastly incomplete, as was indicated by his frown. He separated the one and only completed parchment as well as the one in her handwriting and picked up her quill.
Tonks suddenly realized where this was going.
He concentrated as if it was his own work; as if it was his own responsibility to complete them with utmost competence. He started slowly writing, taking reference from here and there, and for a while the only sound was that of scratching of quill. He would look from time to time at the sleeping Tonks, and would keep looking at her for a period longer than usual. After he finished writing, he took out his wand, and in relation to the parchment in her handwriting, he charmed the other parchments too in the same writing and arranged them in order. After he was done, he precariously picked up her head and placed the reports under it. He kept looking at her with different kind of spark in his eyes. His hand moved as if to touch her, but stopped in mid air many times. But at last he moved his fingers slowly and placed a strand of hair behind her ears; he took a deep breath and screwed his eyes shut as if in some unseen agony. Finally, he extinguished the candles and moved out of the kitchen, without turning back or without doing the work that he had come for in the first place.
Tonks remembered now; she had woken up next day early morning and she had panicked after realizing that she had fallen asleep instead of completing the reports she had to submit on the same day. She had picked up the papers in frenzy when she had noticed that all of it was already done. She had been puzzled because she remembered not completing them, but since the reports were after all in her own writing, she had came to the conclusion that she must had finished them in sleepy haze. After the reassurance that her work was indeed done, she had gone back to sleep again in her room. She had been so stupid to think that! It was him who had done it for her and never once had he even prompted that he had done it. The only odd remark he had given her was that she sleeps like a horse.
And what was that look on his face? Screwing his eyes shut as if he was in physical pain. Had he fallen in love by that time and had subconsciously realized that they could never be together? How long had he gone through that pain, all alone?
The memory faded, forming a new one of... No guesses there, again of Grimmauld Place. What surprised her was the group sitting there.
It was Fred and George, Remus and Sirius. Dangerous combination if someone asked her; they appeared to be having some random guy-kind-of-talk and Remus for once looked laid back, laughing and smiling.
"...Mad-eye's eyes, and that's from where we got the inspiration." One of the twins was saying, while the other took out something from his pocket. Sirius and Remus both bent forward in excited anticipation. Tonks peered more carefully and noticed that the center of attraction was what looked like an ordinary binocular.
"You mean to say that it can look through the walls?" Sirius asked in awe.
"But that would be so beneficial to the Order." Remus quipped incredulously.
"Well yes, but it is not complete yet-"
"-As right now you could only look through two walls-"
"-and the images are a bit of a blur right now-"
"-and there is no audio-"
"-it's pretty expensive actually to develop-"
"-and that's why we are lagging behind." George finished, while the older men looked at twins with sheer impressiveness.
Tonks too marveled at the device in mention and wondered briefly why she never heard about this one, because as Remus said it would have been pretty useful for Order missions. Sirius took the binoculars from their hand and used it to look to his left side.
He whistled lowly. "That's really impressive; though you are right the images are blurred and can't look too further. Why we never thought of something like this Remus in our time?"
"Because we were too busy learning to be animagi and making the marauders map?" he replied taking the object from Sirius's hands, while the other three got engaged in a conversation. Since their voices dimmed a bit, Tonks supposed that Remus' attention had been diverted from it.
Remus gingerly placed the binoculars and grew visibly still, though it went unnoticed by other three. Since it was his memory, Tonks could also see what Remus was seeing, though in a magnified version, like a projected picture, images formed in the thin air, a bit blurred yet perfectly clear as to who it was.
It was her. Remus had accidently stumbled upon her. Though she was not alone, Ginny and Hermione were also there in the image, and by looking at their clothes, she could remember of when it was. It was when the girls had decided to spend the night together, simply chatting when Ginny and Hermione had been at Grimmauld Place. She too remembered that the room they were staying in that night was one room next to Sirius's.
Remus subtly looked sideways at Sirius and group, to check if they were too busy to notice and then he went back to watching her. He zoomed into her image, focusing only on her. It would have been creepy and she would have felt as if she was been stalked had it not been Remus.
She saw his whole demeanor change in the memory. His features grew softer, eyes a little brighter, as if he was happy, content and was smiling from inside but was careful not to show outside. She also understood why he had given her this memory. She understood him so well that gestures that would otherwise go unnoticed by others were caught by her. He kept on looking for minutes when Sirius's call startled him a bit. He deftly kept the binoculars on the table, congratulating the twins on their invention and went back to chatting up as if he just not had been staring up at someone with longing eyes. As the memory faded she saw him throwing a wistful smile towards the wall on his right. She felt overwhelmed, seeing all the love and longing in memories.
The scene formed into a new one. It was dawn, very early in the morning. She looked around and gathered that it was the park in front of Grimmauld Place. Remus sat on a bench, his elbows on knees and hands clasped together, looking up towards the sky. Next to him was a large black dog, sat on his hind legs. Though the air was fresh, the faces of man and dog were solemn. It saddened her that a complete innocent man had to hide like a criminal, and his little escapades were in front of his hideout, in the dark of dawn and in the form a dog. She took a step towards them.
"This isn't working." Remus suddenly said in a grim voice with underlying touch of anger. Anger at whom?
Sirius barked lightly and nodded his head up, as if to ask 'what?'
Remus turned his head towards him and glared though she knew his anger was not directed at him. "You know what." he almost growled and looked away. Sirius whined in indignation and nudged his companion.
"This- this working with her is not working." Tonks's heart skipped a beat. What was he on about?
"I thought for a while that may be, I could figure it out... I could be professional enough..." Sirius Barked.
"What should I tell you?" Remus snapped. "That when she's on missions, I can't sleep at nights? Or that when she's not on missions, staying here at night, mere metres away from my room, I still can't sleep? That when we are together on operations I have to force myself to focus on our surroundings when all I can think about is kissing her? That when we debrief, I have to force myself to remember what the hell was I supposed to say when all I can do is stare at her?!"
His little speech left Tonks breathless for a moment, while in the memory Remus heaved a deep sigh and Sirius worked his mouth as if wishing for words to tumble out. Tonks smiled at Remus's intent. He had may be subconsciously chosen that moment to open his heart to Sirius when he couldn't utter a word and when he could, Remus probably already would have fled away. She understood one thing though. He had been angry with himself.
The scene changed and she recognized the place immediately. It was St Mungo's. She had always wondered that why had Remus never came to visit her while she had been at that place for almost three days after being cursed by Bellatrix; even though she knew things between them had changed drastically and he maintained a vast, safe distance between them, always avoiding her, but she hadn't known that his need to avoid and escape her had been greater than his need to see if she was okay. Turned out she was wrong.
Real Tonks saw memory Remus creeping down the white hallways, a dark shadow in the light, his appearance haggard, looking downwards as if he simply didn't possessed neither the will nor the inspiration to look up. She saw him slowly walking into the room where she was in; he widened the gap between the curtains to look at her. She was asleep on her side; she didn't know if she was in drug induced slumber or that she simply was unconscious. He looked at her with pained expression though with a safe distance between them.
And suddenly she realized something.
He always had been there for her; he had been that constant and stable presence in her life that had always watched over her, though granted, from a far away distance. He was among those people who never even bothered to take any credit in her life, just as long as she was safe.
A woman in lime green robes entered, taking in Remus.
"Are you here for Ms. Tonks?" she questioned him politely and startling him a bit.
"Um... Yes... H-How's she?"
"Not fine yet, but she will be soon." she gave him a reassuring smile.
"Will there be any long lasting effects? When will she be able to leave?" he inquired without looking away from Tonks.
"As far as she follows our instructions, I don't see any long term damage and she would be discharged most probably in two days. Actually I was just going to wake her up-"
"I'll leave-"
"No, there's no need for that-"
"No, I'll leave." he looked into healer's eyes firmly with determination. "Could you please not tell her that I came here?" he said, this time with steely eyes and cold expression, as if detaching himself completely from the whole scenario. The healer looked at him peculiarly and then finally nodded. Remus took a last glance at her unconscious form and walked away without looking back.
Things for them had only deteriorated from then.
Next the scene formed and she instantly recognized the premises. It was Hogwarts, headmaster's office, and with it came a realization that ties with Grimmauld Place had been only up to when Sirius was alive. Her eyes filled when she laid them on their beloved late leader. He was seated behind the table, and Tonks realized he probably had been the most handsome wizard of his age. With it came a peculiar thought that had Dumbledore had any grand-grand-child, he/she would have had the coolest grandfather anyone could ever want.
In front of him sat Remus and her breath hitched when she took in his form completely. He sat slumped on the chair, with his chin propped up on his fist, his face away from headmaster's piercing gaze. He looked defeated. As if he didn't gave any damn about what happened to him anymore, as if he considered himself a lost cause.
"I think I should join the pack... From inside... It's time now." Remus said without any attachment.
"I don't think that would be necessary Remus." Dumbledore replied as if he was almost expecting Remus to say something along those lines, he didn't seem surprised at all.
"Albus, I must-"
"There's nothing you must, Remus. One always has a choice. It's a futile cause to join them from inside at this point. You have been gathering as much as information as you can, from outside itself, in the past year and it have proven sufficient. Joining them, acting as a spy, will only endanger your life."
"But I can convince them to join our side." Remus said desperately, no more looking away but facing Dumbledore, he was almost pleading, and Tonks wondered that how could anyone be so eager to join a suicide mission.
"Those who have been living on the outlines, yes, you can probably recruit them, but those who have spent almost lifetime living under people like Greyback, it's almost impossible for them to reform. Yes, one day time will come for a complete revolution, but now is not that time."
"But then I can gather the information, I can help save lives of those who are being targeted. Please Albus this is important." Remus looked at him, his hands now joined on the table, with worry lines on his forehead and near his eyes.
"The only purpose your being there would serve is getting you killed. If that's what you are aiming at..." Dumbledore trailed off, looking intensely at Remus. It amazed Tonks how well he knew Remus. She was also surprised to know that how vehement Dumbledore had been about Remus going underground. She had known all along that Remus had volunteered for it, but she had also thought that somewhere Dumbledore had agreed with him.
Remus bashfully, once again looked away, as if caught.
"Let me be of use Albus. No one is going to miss Remus Lupin." now he sounded plain tired with anguish so evident in his eyes that it pained Tonks physically to see him like this.
"I assure that will not be the case Remus. And you know that too." he replied looking over his half moon rimmed glasses. Something shifted in Remus's eyes, as if he did know that he will be missed.
"It's for the best of people I care about... People I love..." he spoke the last three words so softly she almost had trouble listening to.
"People... Or person, Remus?"
Remus's eyes drifted closed. He didn't seem surprised that Dumbledore had caught the nerve of the matter; after all, he knew everything. He clenched his fists tightly as if willing himself to stay in chair instead of simply running away.
"Please..." he rasped and when he opened his eyes, they contained the world's torment, despondency and heartache.
Tonks own throat clogged up and she swallowed painfully.
"She's only thing I have left... She and Harry… Please Albus." he whispered while looking into his lap.
Tonks's heart skipped a beat, hearing those words. Oh how hard he had tried to protect her and oh how wrong he had been. She realized that Remus had not only pushed her for her own apparent good, but also Harry. Though he meant a great deal to Remus, he loved him like his own son, he never did try to bridge the gap between them. She guessed this too had stemmed from his tendency to save people he loved from himself.
Dumbledore sighed rather sadly and for a moment he looked of his true age.
"Alright Remus. It is your decision after all, and I will support you in it."
Though his wish had been granted, he didn't look like a man with new found relief. Remus nodded and heavily led himself out of the door, as the room changed.
How can any man be so uncompromising for their own destruction?
The next scene that formed, there was no mistaking it, was that of a graveyard. She looked around and wondered what Remus had to show her here? As she walked aimlessly, a sad sort of tranquility took over her; that was when she spotted him.
He was sitting on the ground with his knees up and arms clasped around them. Often he would mindlessly pluck the grass or draw random pattern on the ground with his index finger. He looked like a lost child. She walked with unnatural grace, as if her clumsy steps would disturb the calmness of the scene. She kneeled before him, touching his hairs with her palm, knowing he couldn't feel it. She took off her eyes from him and looked at the gravestones in front of her. They were of Lily and James.
"I had no one to talk to..." Remus murmured to himself, seeing almost nowhere.
She felt a deep sadness settle within her for Remus and she realized how difficult it must have been for him to give her a memory so personal and so private, just for her sake. She definitely meant to him more than people gave him credit for.
Remus sighed. "I overheard her talking to Molly." Tonks grew even nearer to him as his voice was a very soft murmur. His voice would have lulled her into sleep had it not been important to listen. And what had he overheard?
"She says that since I am trying so hard to forget her, one day I will succeed, while she will keep on loving me... She says that she will be trapped, where on the other hand I would have moved on."
She remembered this conversation in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place. She had no idea that Remus was at the headquarters let alone that he had heard her. He was really sneaky. Back in the days, when Remus had successfully avoided her for months, it had become a prominent worry in her mind. 'Out of sight, out of mind', that's what her father used to tell her and she had feared that one day for Remus she would be just a memory if he kept dodging her.
"As if it's that easy..." it never was easy, neither for him nor for her. For a moment he kept looking in a distance when suddenly he closed his eyes as if he just remembered something painful, sighed and dropped his head on his knees.
"Oh god... How much I miss her."
Her heart clenched both painfully and with pleasure on hearing such words from his mouth with such intensity. He had missed her as much as she had missed him. It would have been funny to watch Remus- a grown mature man- in lovesick worry and angst, had it not been so tragically sad.
The scene changed and just by looking around, she guessed that it was Christmas of 1996, at the Burrow. The memory showed her how Remus had learned of her patronus- accidentally through Harry. Remus calmly chewed his turkey as if he wasn't surprised/shocked from inside to learn of this new development.
In next scene though, strangely, which was of the very same day, she saw him running, frantically like a lunatic, in a familiar alley. She too had to run to keep up with him, though she didn't really know from what he was running. But when the familiar building of Grimmauld place appeared, she realized that he wasn't running from something, but was running to reach to a destination.
As the building popped, his look of franticness didn't fade away, if anything, he looked even more miserable and continued inside the now lonely house at the same pace, without setting off Mrs. Black.
Where was he heading to?
He now was panting when she saw him pushing open a very familiar door. The door slammed with force and she mused, it must have left a permanent dent in the wall. It was Sirius's room. She had been in it for a few times before.
Remus lunged at a random drawer in his room pulled out papers, stationeries, madly searching for something, as if his life depended on it. He hadn't taken even a second to pause, to breathe, to relax, instead he continued his frenzied search throughout his room, not caring what a mess he was making. Tonks kept dodging the onslaught of papers and stuff.
What was he searching exactly?
He finally froze when a small bundle came in his hands. She peered cautiously and found that they were wizard photographs. Remus fell on the ground on his knees and she winced on his behalf, at the thump sound but he didn't even flinch. His face was white and his calm demeanor was long gone. Once again he started throwing away the photographs to apparently search for the one he was looking for. Every time he got the wrong photo he would wince or flinch in frustration. He was throwing away them so quickly that she didn't even understood that what exactly they were of? She felt a tiny bit of jealously, which was irrational, she knew, but after all what it was that had affected Remus this deeply? Were these photographs of his Hogwarts days?
Finally he found the one he was looking for. She could judge from the way he reacted. He leant unceremoniously on the bed's edge, as if looking for support, his lips opened as if in silent plea, his breath hitched audibly and his eyes grew wide. By now she was seated on the floor in front of him, watching his every move cautiously.
She leant forward to take a good look at the photo, and her own breath tethered. It was her picture.
It probably was of the day when Ron and Hermione's prefect party had been thrown, as she had waist length tomato red hair. She didn't know who had clicked this picture because she was unaware that she was being clicked. It might have been Hestia, as she was the one with photo-clicking-mania. Her picture was beautiful, it was a close up shot, she was smiling beautifully and the twinkling in her eyes and happiness of her face was visible. She remembered how happy she had been to be surrounded finally by the people she belonged with.
After glancing at the picture she looked closely at Remus. The realization of it all had yet to sink in her.
He finally had lost that deranged look, and was replaced by a miserable and defeated expression. He stared at her photo and stroked her cheek in it, with his index finger which was shaking rather visibly. His face scrunched up in pain and his eyes filled with sheen of tears. He tried to stop them by blinking and swallowing but to no avail. A single tear finally dropped, ironically on her eye in the picture and flowed through her cheek. It seemed as if slowly the energy seeped out of his body and he slumped backward. He kissed her picture, an act which made the picture-Tonks blush and the real-Tonks smile through her own tears. He remained there for a while clutching the photo to his chest with closed eyes.
After he gathered himself, he cleared the mess with few swish and flicks of his wand and walked away. What didn't escape Tonks's notice was that he took her picture with him.
It had been months, Tonks mused, months by Christmas, since they have even seen the face of other for even a second. She remembered, that Christmas, though she had been alone, there had been a desperate need to see Remus's face, even if just from a distance; she knew that he was at Burrow and she had been so tempted. She had tried so hard to forget that crucial piece of information. Even after glasses of firewhisky, her pain had not faded away. So she perfectly understood his need to see her. Prolonged Physical absence of your love, often acts like a painful slow killer, it's a torture, and a slow excruciating torment.
He had missed her so badly... It was herself that had driven him to this frenzied state.
The next scene that formed was of the Burrow. Remus was sitting on the dining table while Molly cleared away the dishes. It was probably after the meal and she found it odd that nobody else was there as generally Molly would ask her kids to help. Remus looked gaunter than he ever had and she understood why people often took him to be older than he really was. After all at that time he had been only 36, which would still be considered young by wizarding standards.
Molly kept throwing glances at him as if expecting him to speak, where on the other hand he really looked as if he wanted to say something.
"Why Molly?" he asked without looking up.
"Why what Remus?"
"You know what." he looked up and said a little tersely. "Why she is never here? Even on Order meetings? This was the third Order meeting without her. She is an Order member, isn't she? Or has she left and no one has bothered to tell me? I just want to know if she's fine; I haven't seen her in ages. Has something happened to her Molly?" he said all this in one breath, and his frustration was evident, but his voice by the end, was fearful.
The reason she hadn't been coming because frankly, she didn't know what she would have done had she seen Remus, she wasn't sure if her heart could have taken rejection written in his eyes. Secondly, she respected his privacy. He was the one who took the decision to avoid her. Though on many occasions she had tried to fight him, she had been careful to never push him. She had always wanted him to come back to her on his sole will.
Molly pursed her lips as if not sure whether to tell the truth or not to say anything at all.
"She's fine… almost..." she finally mumbled.
"Almost?"
"Well, depending on how you see it." she said. "She's alive isn't she? That must count as being fine?" she snapped, surprising Tonks and making Remus flinch. Where that anger had come from? "I am sorry Remus." she sighed and sat down. "It's not like it your fault. Or even if it is, it's not like you are enjoying it."
"Just tell me Molly how she is?" he questioned, forgetting for a moment that he is supposed to be calm, poker faced Lupin in company.
"She's unhappy; which is not news."
"She still hasn't gained her powers." it wasn't a question.
Molly shook her head. "She looks ill, all the time now. Which she might be, but she never answers my question correctly anymore. She barely comes here now. She's working like a dog. Taking voluntarily extra shifts. It's bound to happen."
The real Tonks colored a bit with embarrassment. She had not wanted to appear weak, nor had she wanted people to worry.
"Why don't Albus or Alastor do something about it? Give her a leave or something, break from work. Surely they could see she needs some rest?" He tried to reason through his worries.
"Her work is the only thing that is keeping her going Remus right now, please don't take that away from her."
Remus bowed his head, covering his eyes with palm.
"I never wished for this to happen… I always wanted someone to love me the way she does… I should have been more careful about what I wished for." he stretched out his hand helplessly.
"Remus, you are suffering too, why won't you-"
"No Molly. Please don't." he said gently but firmly. And the conversation ended there.
The next memory was of a place unknown to her. She found Remus sitting under a tree, with his arms engulfing his knees. Next to him sat some man, may be in his 60s who had a thin layer of grey hairs on his head, scars marred his face and hands. He looked older than age. He was probably a werewolf too. Werewolf from the pack Remus had infiltrated. There had been very few werewolves in the pack, Remus had mentioned, who weren't downright hostile towards him, were friendly even.
It looked as if they were in midst of a conversation. They probably have come out from the dirt and suffocation of the pack; how Remus had managed to live in that place and among people he hated so much was beyond her comprehension.
"Have you ever been in love?" Remus asked his companion while gazing at the sky. The light from canopy threw his face in sharp relief; though tiredness and exhaustion was visible on his face, he looked beautiful to her.
His companion chuckled. "I have spent forty years of my life here. Not best of the place for romance, is it?" he replied scratching his head.
"But you went to Hogwarts, didn't you? Didn't meet anyone there?" he inquired.
"No... Not really... Must have liked few girls but didn't fell in love, like they say." he replied bemusedly and Tonks found herself wondering that if this man had spent more than half of his life among ferals, how was he so friendly with Remus? Because he had been to Hogwarts and remembered what normal life had been like? Had he ever killed anyone on full moon? If he had then how had Remus tolerated him?
"But sometimes... I wonder if it was one of the things I missed out in my life... I wonder what it would have been like... Who it would have been... would she have stuck through this hell for me anyway?"
"You are lucky. Love is not for werewolves." Remus replied bitterly looking straight ahead of him.
"Someone ditched you?" the man asked insensitively.
Now Remus looked plain sad with all the bitterness gone. He shook his head.
"You killed her? On a full moon?" he said again making Remus flinch. She thought the man probably belonged to the likes of Mundungus; thoughtless, insensitive, yet helpful and friendly enough. He probably had been one of Remus's refuges from the hell he lived those days.
Remus finally shook his head, probably after shaking some of the nasty images of her dead.
"She... I... I left her to save her from... From the similar fate you just mentioned." he whispered.
"You are a hypocrite, Lupin." the man said though not with spite or unkindly.
Remus finally looked at him bemusedly.
"You say to me, to come with you, so that I can lead a normal-werewolvish life. Trying to convince me that we can blend in crowd of wizards. Yet you are the one increasing this difference between wizards and werewolves, because you are not normal enough to grab girl of your life. Now why should I leave this hell hole to enter into another, if I can't even find someone to spend my life with? Not that it's my age."
Remus really looked lost for answer. He opened his mouth few times but couldn't gather what to say. She saw smugly at their interaction. Someone had left Remus speechless.
"Tell me about her." the man absently said while picking his teeth with a small stick, as if he wasn't really interested in answer but didn't want the conversation to end.
She saw the first very genuine smile come to Remus's face and it was a contrast from his previous memories. It made her proud that she could make him smile.
"She is... She." he said in a silly way, as if that explained everything. "I can't describe her in words. She's simply the loveliest person in the world." he replied with a fond smile while the man beside him nodded."She just affects me so much, in a way I have never experienced and... It's excruciating pain I feel... When I realize I can't have her... Despite her returning my sentiments. I am privileged enough that I matter so much to her. But the thought that she's not for me..." he paused and all the hint of previous smile vanished "...kills Me." he barely whispered.
"You shouldn't let her go."
Remus shook his head sadly. "I, though, might not have her, yet ironically she's the only thing I have left, only thing to live for." he said with a finality. As the scene swirled, she saw Remus placing his palm on his coat's pocket, feeling whatever was inside it.
He had struggled for his love as much as she had. The only thing was that her struggle was with him, and his struggle was with himself.
The next scene was that of Grimmauld place kitchen, though she immediately recognized the change in the atmosphere in this year and the previous when Sirius had been alive. The present air in the kitchen was dense and thick with tension with handful of Order member. It seemed like an informal meeting. There was Mad-eye, Molly, and Arthur.
Why she wasn't there?
It looked as if everyone were waiting for someone. The door opened and in came Remus with an alarmed expression on his face.
"What is it?" he was barely inside the room when he fired the question.
It was Mad-eye who answered.
"Tonks."
Remus staggered a few steps forward though he covered it as a walk to reach the table. He looked pointedly at Mad-eye, who had never looked so grave.
"Dementors." he again gave a one line answer, though chill coursed through her spine as she remembered what it was all about.
She could have sworn that Remus stopped breathing. The little bit color fled his face, his knees gave away though he landed on a chair, and his hand gripped the table's corner with animalistic strength.
"What do you mean?" Remus whispered. It was as if he could barely force his voice to croak out. She saw in the corner, Molly very silently crying, with Arthur's arm around her.
"Is she..." Remus trailed off when Mad-eye failed to answer. In all sincerity, Mad-eye's graveness and reaction touched her. Her mentor liked her, she knew that, but she also knew that Mad-eye loved her almost like his daughter; beyond the line of colleagues.
As for Remus, she knew what he wanted to ask. He wanted to ask if her soul was still intact or not. Thinking about the incident brought numbness to her body.
She had never seen such a look of despair on Remus. And that was saying something, for a man, who has never faced anything but cruel hardships in his whole life. He looked ready to break down.
It was Arthur who answered in low tone. "There was a dementor attack on a nearby muggle area. Tonks was called away... I don't know what happened but... Alastor was there... Apparently there was a horde of them she couldn't keep at bay; she failed to produce a patronus. Thankfully Alastor reached on time..."
"So, she is alright, isn't she?" Remus replied suddenly with fervor in voice, as if it was Arthur's fault. "Tell me damn it!" he suddenly exclaimed.
"She's fine, Remus." Molly soothed. "She's weak but she will recover, the healer's staff said. Bill and Kingsley are there with her."
Remus almost fainted with relief. He placed his both elbows on knees, effectively hiding his face in his palms, which were shaking rather badly. She too got overwhelmed with relief, as if she didn't already know her own fate. She sat down gingerly on one of the chairs. That day had been one of the worst and frightening days of her life. Since then, she had perfectly understood Harry's hatred and fear for dementors.
"My point is why she failed to cast her patronus!" Mad-eye suddenly exclaimed, stood, effectively toppling his chair, making everyone jumping in the room. It wasn't his routine-yelling. He wasn't angry. He was livid.
"She's the best. She could cast a patronus in her sleep. I taught her, I have seen her." he spat the words. "I have also seen her handling more than one dementor at once effectively. WHAT HAPPENED THIS TIME!" The kitchen went eerily quiet. Remus pressed his palm to his mouth and swallowed. She could see cold sweat breaking on his forehead.
"Why is she so exhausted always? Why is she working all the bloody time! Why the hell the chirpiest person I have ever known had turned into the most morose person on this planet! Lupin! Why? What is going on between you two." he barked Remus's name menacingly. Living up to his name, he looked really mad.
Remus barely reacted on hearing his name. He just lowered his head in shame.
Oh goodness! She had never known that their friends had blamed Remus for her state. Everyone knew it was because of the tension between them, but no one had pointedly accused him. It wasn't his bloody fault. If she had failed to cast the patronus it was because she had no energy left, why Remus to be blamed for it? It was her fault that she was way too depressed for a happy thought. But it wasn't as if his life at that time had been a piece of cake. She at least had a roof above her head, a bed to sleep upon and food to eat; he had lacked even the basic facilities. All in the name of nobility and her protection.
She felt her face burning in embarrassment even if she knew no one was there to watch her.
Arthur intervened apparently noticing Remus's distress over it. "Alastor, it's not like its Remus's fault." he looked pointedly at him. Mad-eye after noticing his slip, slowing sat down on chair, his anger vanishing.
She remembered that day; Remus had visited her in the hospital. Her back had been facing him and when she had heard his name her heart had almost stopped but she had refused to face him, had asked him to leave even, because she couldn't bear looking at him that time. The almost dementor attack had nearly shocked her into oblivion, such fears and memories she had witnessed, re-lived, half of them regarding Remus, that she hadn't been sure she could have looked into his eyes and could have remained stoic and strong anyway. With a heavy heart she had sent him back and had felt him slip away but not before he had squeezed her shoulder.
The next memory was of that incident, only that this time she saw it from his perspective, as last time, she had her face turned. The dismay on his face clearly screamed that all this agony was over someone he loved. Not loved as in loved like a friend or colleague, but romantically loved; was in love. It couldn't have been clearer.
The next scene had formed was that of Hogwarts infirmary, and by the looks of it, it was the night of Dumbledore's demise. Remus was hunched over in a chair, one bed away from sleeping Bill, with his chin cupped in his palm. Fleur slowly stroked Bill's long hair, while Molly and Arthur sat nearby lost in thought. The wing was eerily quiet.
Molly got up from her position and walked towards Remus barely making a voice. She looked like a woman with purpose. She sat down on the empty bed beside Remus. He noticed her and shifted in his chair, acknowledging her.
"What are you going to do Remus dear?"
He needed no telling what she was talking about. He looked out of window, gazing at the endless sky. She desperately hoped that Molly wasn't about to force him.
"I am going to talk to her." he said finally. "I am done running. I want her. In my life." he looked at her, hope shining in his beautiful eyes.
Molly gave him a motherly smile which faded away slowly.
"What brought this decision Remus? Suddenly? While you have been so adamant ever since..."
He was shaking his head. "It never was easy. Denying her. Denying myself. One of the reasons I went away from her was because I would not have been able to say no for long had she been close to me all the time. It was coming from a long time. I just realized, it was inevitable. No matter how hard I will try, I will end up with her. I never knew love was so... Magnetic. I am hurting her. I realized that long time ago, but thought short term hurt is better than long term. But this-what she and I had been experiencing, this heartbreak, is not short term. It is long term. It won't fade away until we are together. I don't know if being with her will hurt her more, but I am hurting her anyway. The last thing I wanted to do on Earth. But if I am going to hurt her, then I am going to do my best to make her happy in her life, in our life. I will be doing right won't I?" he looked, pleading at her.
"Of course, Remus... It's time to stick together and no matter how unlikely pair you make, it seems you both are made for each other. May be god made you wait all these years, because it was supposed to be her."
He actually cracked a small smile at that.
"You are right. It was supposed to be her. Always her."
"You aren't doing this... Because you know... You have grown plain tired?" Uncertainty laced Molly's voice.
"Merlin no!" he said incredulously. "This- causing pain to both of us, this was making me tired. I love her Molly, I really do. In a way I have never loved anyone. In a way I never experienced before. She makes me feel things I gave up hope of ever feeling, ages ago. She's my lifeline, my reason to live. Had I not loved her, I wouldn't have gone to such lengths to protect her."
"When are you going to talk to her? Don't wait Remus, you already have made her wait too much."
"This morning Molly, just few hours from now." he replied with a small smile on his face. "I hope she can find it in her to forgive me."
"Oh she will, trust me. Just keep both of yourselves happy. You both have suffered enough."
The scene swirled away.
Seconds later she found herself in her empty bedroom; all the memories were over. She sat there for a long time, letting the gravity and intensity of his love wash over her, thanking her stars that she had finally found someone who loved her so dearly. And didn't her mother say to her once that he truly loves you, if he thinks had he doesn't deserves you?
After watching these memories, understanding them, understanding depth of his love, she would never be able to see him in the same way again.
She would never be able to see Remus as the man she loves.
She would, from now on, see him as the man who loves her.
She decided to tell him all this. She grabbed her quill and parchment, spilling her feelings over it, expressing her gratitude and love for him; sending the letter off to him with her owl.
As she watched the bird fly away, she realized that even though war had taken a dark turn, things will be difficult, but being with him will definitely will make them easier, bearable. She could sleep at nights knowing that he's out there somewhere, remembering her at every moment.
She could drift off to sleep with satisfaction for which everyone lives for.
A/N: Regarding the memory in which Remus completes her reports; he knows about them because she discussed those report in Order meeting and The memory in which Remus is talking to another werewolf, the thing that he pats in his coat's pocket is Tonks's photograph that he picked from Grimmauld Place, which he has charmed as a spare parchment.