It now seemed like life was slipping by one week at a time for Gabrielle. It had been a week since Eve had given her the scrolls. She had reread each one carefully and even rewritten the older ones so that they would be in better shape to withstand another amount of time in isolation. Of course who would end up with the scrolls in the end was still a mystery but somehow rewriting the times of her life made her feel a little better.
Physically she was about as good as she could get without beginning to drill. Her leg only had the mark left from the arrow wound, her head was clearing both from the wound and from the blow to the head, and the wound to her shoulder was now just a mark with a little bit of tightness when she moved. Still it was nothing she had not fought with before and was a little antsy at this point to start drilling again. And that made her think back to a better time.
It happened a long time ago. It was right after Gabrielle had become an Amazon princess and had been gifted Ephiny's mother's staff. Of course her fellow Amazons had begun the training process. While they were good after years of learning to use the weapons they were not that good. Xena could take each and every one of them with one hand tied behind her back. It had taken weeks to get the warrior princess to agree to teach her how to use the staff better.
Months after they had begun traveling together Gabrielle was sitting on her furs on her side of the fire. Even then the bard had wished nothing more than to be lying next to her friend. Perhaps it was being a naïve girl from a sheep village but she was not sure why it meant so much to be next to the warrior instead of being all the way across the fire. It would take her a couple more months and one adventure that almost cost her the warrior's presence in her life for her to realize that she was in love and had been from that first moment when their eyes first met.
The sun was just about setting and she was just about to put her scrolls away for the night. Xena was on her final patrol of the area to make sure that everything would be safe for the night. Just as the bard was tucking the scroll, the quill and the ink away she heard the faintest of noises. A huge smile was on her face as she realized that it was the warrior princess. "I know you are just behind me." She jumped back when the leather clad woman stepped out of the shadows in front of her.
Xena was at first glaring at her with her arms crossed over her chest. It seemed that the warrior was not amused with what just happened and the bard got a scared look on her face. That was when the raven haired beauty allowed the smallest of smiles to grace her face. It was rare when the tall woman gave such a smile to the petite blond and Gabrielle treasured it. "You're improving. When we first started traveling together you wouldn't have heard me."
Gabrielle was beaming from the compliment. Something seemed to melt in the warrior's eyes at the smile she was receiving but it only lasted a moment and the normally stoic face was once again on the raven haired beauty. The bard could not help but think just how beautiful that smile was and that Xena was beautiful no matter what. The petite blond realized that the compliment was also the opening she had been waiting for. "Xena?" The warrior turned around from tending the fire. "Would you teach me how to use my staff?"
Immediately the warrior stood up from the fire and closed the space between them. Gabrielle had remained kneeling next to her scrolls and was afraid to look up when she heard as well as felt Xena move as quickly as she did. It actually scared the bard and she sat down without being able to gather her balance and fell on to her side. The warrior princess first steadied her friend before she knelt down on both knees in front of her. "Why?"
It was a simple question but there were so many answers that it was actually a complicated question. "First I just want to be able to defend myself and if I had to someone else." That got a raised eyebrow as the warrior obviously thought that it was not the whole story and was waiting for her to continue. "And I'd like it so that you wouldn't have to worry about me so much when you are fighting." That got the other eyebrow lifted. "And I'd like to be good at something." The last part was said in barely a whisper.
The last part caused the warrior to sit down Indian style. She leaned forward with her arms on her knees and her head supported by her hands. When Gabrielle would not look at the former warlord, she reached out with one hand and kept her head leaning on the other one. Gently she lifted the beautiful blond head so that she could see those vibrant green eyes. For a moment Xena forgot what she was going to say she got so lost in those eyes. It reminded her of just how she had felt the first time she had looked into those eyes.
The feel of the soft skin on her callused hand made her breathing catch for a moment and she knew she had to be very careful or her vow that she would not cross the line from best friend to lover would be shattered in the blink of an eye. In fact she found her mouth very dry and she had to swallow before she was able to speak. "You are good at a lot of things. You are a wonderful cook. You are an amazing bard. And you have a talent for getting into trouble like none I've ever seen."
Without even realizing what she was doing, Xena began to rub her thumb along the chin that belonged to the woman that had stolen her heart. Quickly she stopped that when she saw the look upon the bard's face. In fact she quickly pulled her hand back. While she wanted the contact more than she could put into words, she also was scared of it at the same time. Gabrielle looked confused but quickly recovered herself. "I'm not that good at getting into trouble. As I seem to recall you've gotten into trouble all on your own as well."
Xena actually had to chuckle at the thought. It wasn't often but there had been a time or two when she had been the one to get into trouble. But normally it was the naïve kid from Potadeia that had been the one that trouble followed like a lost puppy dog. Of course that was changing, and quickly, as already the bard was learning to at least hold her own in a fight. The warrior sobered a bit at the thought of what their lives were together. Already death had touched her young friend. If they continued together death would surely come calling again. The least she could do was to arm her traveling companion with some of her vast knowledge.
And maybe even one day the bard would turn out to be one of her best students. Xena could not help but think her only student. There was only one other that she had been the teacher. Most of her life she had been the one that had learned lessons. Some were harsh and therefore had made her who she had been, an evil warlord. Of course she could feel that changing as well and that was because of this kid that just would not give up on her no matter what. Looking at the beautiful face of the blond she noticed that she was indeed not the child from Potadeia anymore but a young woman with a heart of gold.
Without hesitation the tall woman stood up. She made her way over to one of the nearby trees. Of course she was quite selective as she searched for what she was looking for. Finally she found a solid sapling whose small trunk might give a little but would give enough resistance. After all it was Gabrielle that needed the training and not her. "You are right. I get myself in trouble and you need to help get me out of it. So get your staff and we'll go into the clearing by the nearby lake."
Gabrielle had been stunned for the longest of moments. Every other time that she had gotten the courage to ask for Xena's teaching she had been rebuked. Here she had barely even asked and it was accepted after a lengthy moment of what had appeared to be inner turmoil not that anyone else would have been able to tell that. They had been traveling together long enough that she knew even if everyone else didn't, that it was her usual warlord mask the bard simply knew.
Finally the petite blond got her feet underneath her picking up her staff in a practiced motion at the very same time. Suddenly she was nervous as hell as she stood across from the tall warrior that she knew had the strength to do some serious damage to her. And yet in their less than a year travel she had never had Xena be anything but gentle to her with her touches. It was true she had been harsh with her words but she had never physically hurt her and she doubted that she ever would intentionally.
What the bard could not know was just how nervous Xena was. In the very beginning of their travels she had been harsher with her words than she had truly intended. Mostly that had been so that the naïve girl would possibly get tired of her and want to be taken home or left in some village. And yet no matter how harsh her words were the warrior princess could not bring herself to ever physically hurt the girl though she knew that that day would unfortunately come though it would not be intentional.
Two women stood across from one another both sweating though the night was not that warm. Both women were bouncing just a tad on the back of their heels with a bundle of nervous energy. Finally it was the more seasoned Xena that finally got her act together. With words of encouragement as they simply went at one another she began to teach her pupil. The staff was not her weapon of choice as her height actually was a hindrance with this particular weapon but was skilled enough to beat anyone with it. In the back of her mind she wondered if this was the beginning.
The beginning of a relationship where it would be give and take. The warrior figured, though she would not tell the bard this, that she would learn just as much as she taught. The two women were almost polar opposites and it was what made the two perfect traveling companions. Where one had strength the other had weakness and vice versa. As they were settling into a rhythm something clicked inside of the ex-warlord and she just knew that this was perfect. That their life together would be full of ups and downs but as long as they led it together it would be amazing.
Gabrielle had been staring into space as she remembered that first time. For some they would concentrate on the first kiss or the first time that they made love but for the bard it just seemed perfect that it was the first time that her soulmate had let her guard down enough to start to convey all that she knew. Of course there were a few things that she had always held back. One of them was the pinch and looking back on their time in Japa she just should have known something was not right.
A solitary tear ran down her face as the thought hit her and hit her hard. She had known Xena like the back of her hand. It should have been clear that she was up to something. Suddenly there was a fierce anger that enveloped the petite blond. Not even realizing it she began to scream at the top of her lungs. "How could you Xena! You betrayed me! You betrayed my trust! You knew if I'd known I would have talked you out of it! I can't believe you used our love that way!" She took a deep breath and with one last exasperating breath said, "I can't believe you threw our love away without a seconds thought."
Eve and Aphrodite heard the shouting. While the Goddess of Love had been waiting at Xena's side, she was at a particular point that she had to deal with herself. These words of anger from the bard would not help. The messenger was on her knees and holding her mom in as tight an embrace as she would allow. Green eyes flashed with anger. It was all too much for the bard and she just collapsed into her daughter's arms.
The Goddess of Love watched as for the first time since Xena had sacrificed herself that Gabrielle had truly allowed herself to feel pain. Until now she had pushed all that she had felt so far deep down that it was part of what was making her physically not in tip top shape. Oh there was the not eating or sleeping properly but overall it was the emotional pain and anger that had caused her mortal friend to almost succumb to death. Aphrodite often wondered how it was that her little friend was still alive and wondered if this wasn't all part of the destiny that the two people shared.
Blue eyes wandered until she could see the Goddess and winked at her. Aphrodite knew that they would be all right or at least as all right as they could be. With a wave of her hand she disappeared hoping to find Xena in a lot better emotional state than the bard but knew that was not to be. "I love you Xena." Gabrielle was almost choking she was sobbing so. "I will always love you. But don't ever do that to me again. When you come back I'm going to kick you amazing taught ass."
Eve stiffened just a little at the last words but then chuckled inwardly. She knew what it was like to be in love and to be attracted to someone else. But it was another when you heard your parents think that about one another. Still it was a good sign. It was hopefully another sign that her mom was finally letting go of the hate and misery and finally clinging to what she so desperately needed to. Everyone needs to cling to love and never ever let it go no matter what. That was true Elysia.
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Green eyes were looking at her with such a hate that it was hard to breathe. Everything that happened with Solon and Hope came rushing back. The two of them standing so far apart as they watched the pyres burn. The two walking in separate direction when what they really needed was to hold one another like they had at other pyres that they had tended together. Even the ones that Gabrielle would thankfully never remember they held one another.
Then the images of the outskirts of the Amazon village coming up so fast that she had almost run over several of the lookouts flashed in her emotionally charged mind. Then the feeling of hands trying to grab the reins or her leathers. The feeling of hate that flowed through her body and the remembrance of the one thing that had fueled the hate inside her. You might be helping me now, Ares, but I'll never forgive you for helping me almost destroy the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't and I won't.
There was the sound of bones breaking as one Amazon, to this day she was not sure who, tried to grab her and she had broken her arm. Later it was told to her but at that time all she could think of was the pain and the hate. She was knocking Joxer out of her way and then she had her. If only she had done what she truly felt she would have wrapped her soulmate in her arms and she would have except that a voice had been in her head the whole time.
As many times as she reflected on that day and hated herself for it she finally realized something. Maybe it was being dead that brought her the clarity so that she could hear the voice behind the words. For some reason she had thought it had been her early evil warlord voice that had been urging her insistently on but no. It was Ares once again. Gonna have a bone or two to pick with you when we are through. But you probably knew this was going to be revealed. Why help me then?
Xena was brought out of her musings as a very angry petite blond hurdled herself towards her. The scene was another replay from her past. The warrior had not realized how close they were standing to the edge of the cliff and had to adjust her stance at the last moment so that they didn't take that tumble over the cliff. This time she was going to talk to her bard without having to go through all the theatrics. Though she had to admit that what they had gone through had brought them closer and gave them a better understanding of each other's pain.
The warrior princess held tight to the woman she loved more than anything in the world. Small fists were hitting her over and over again as they should once again. It didn't matter even if she ended up bloody and bruised. She knew that Gabrielle needed to release all the pent up pain and the anger that was inside of her. It reminded her that if she was able to get back to her soulmate that perhaps a scene like this would unfold and she knew that her lover would have every right to want to hurt her.
Finally after both crying and striking out the petite blond finally used up what little energy she had. Having gone through the cleansing ritual had left her both emotionally and physically drained. Really the bard had little fight left in her and she just held on to the strong woman that used to give her comfort. Now it was not the same and she wondered if it ever would be. Tears continued to fall even when she thought she could cry no more.
The ex-warlord just tightened her grip and began rocking the young woman in her arms. It was such a short time ago that this all happened and yet it felt like a lifetime ago. They had lost twenty five years to being frozen. They had lost a year together because of her memory loss. Their entire journey together was as much about what they gained as they lost. Would it ever balance out? If she could not find a way to reunite in this time and place then it would remain unbalanced.
"I'm sorry." Xena felt the small fragile wounded body stiffen in her arms. "I had no right to take you the way I did." Flashing back to the images of watching as Gabrielle's body crashed and banged along the ground made her shudder. "What I did to was almost like I…" The warrior began to cry so hard that her entire body was shaking. This was the worst that she had ever felt and she had done so many horrendous things in her life but never had she hurt intentionally her soulmate this way. Her voice was barely a whisper when she finally was able to say the words. "I forced my ill will upon you."
The petite blond pulled her head out of the neck that she had buried herself in. Her tears had stopped falling and she looked up at the warrior who had stolen her heart in one chance meeting and then had so cruelly hurt her physically. It was like nothing she had ever felt before and it was all because they loved each other beyond words. She thought and would always think they were soulmates and that they were linked throughout eternity.
This was a side that Xena didn't always show Gabrielle. It was her weaker emotional side. Even after all that they had been through it was rare that she would break down and cry uncontrollably. There were times of a tear here or there but never where her entire body was shaking. And the admission that what had just happened was so violent made a part of the aching heart inside the bard mend just a little. Oh there was still a lot of pain and anger to deal with but for once it seemed that her warrior was actually admitting to being wrong.
Just as the warrior had gotten her breathing under control she looked into that bruised and battered face and she could not contain herself. The raven hair cascaded down in front of her face hiding the bloodshot eyes and what now felt like never ending stream of tears. This was the most vulnerable the ex-warlord had ever felt and at the same time she felt it was so right. Only her bard was allowed to see her like this. Only her other half of her soul could understand.
With a shaking hand Gabrielle reached out and pushed the long strands of hair out of the beautiful face that she loved to look at. Xena leaned back and could not help the physical reaction of the shudder as first one set of long hairs was tucked behind her ear and then the other set. Green eyes that had just a few moments ago been so full of hate and anger were now full of concern. There is no way I deserved the forgiveness you gave me for this day. We both were at fault and I seemed to go overboard when it came to retribution. But I know why now. And you, even if this is only a dreamlike you, deserves the truth.
Taking a deep breath not only to give herself the confidence but also just to steady her ragged breathing she began to try and explain herself though there was no excuse whatsoever for what she had done. "I understand now that we both handled a lot of things poorly. I don't blame you for protecting Hope. I don't blame you for not understanding about Chin. I don't even understand it fully anymore. But what I do know is that I did things without thinking. I now know that there was a little voice in the back of my head that was pushing me to hurt you."
"That makes me feel good." Gabrielle started to pull away but was held tightly but yet with a gentleness she would know only came from her warrior. "I mean it's good that you've taken these past couple days to take into account how I feel." A tear ran down her face. There would have been more but she was literally cried out at this moment of time. "So you said that there was this little voice in your head. Are you trying to tell me that you are going insane?"
There was a sad smile upon Xena's face as there was just a touch of levity coming from the still angry woman in her arms. That was one thing about her bard. It could take her a lot to get angry but once you did it was hard to get her to forgive you. Even when she loved you with all that she had. "Before I came and…" The warrior could not put into words what she had done. "Ares was with me. He was telling me all sorts of thing to urge on my hate and anger. I should have…"
Gabrielle's eyes widened just a little as she thought things through. "An image of Callisto was in the hut with me." Her green eyes quickly met the blue eyes of the woman that she loved. "It wasn't exactly like that but still I knew she wanted me against you." Their eyes were now locked and neither seemed to want to break the steady gaze. "And after you left for Chin…" The blue eyes saddened but a reassuring smile was on the petite blond's face. "It was Ares. That's how I got there before you."
Xena could not help but laugh. While they had gone through a lot of these things in her past while in the Land of Illusia but they had never spoken about some of the things that led up to what amounted as their biggest and definitely most physical fight ever. It was all making sense and making her hate the God of War even more. It was making her wonder if it was wise to trust him through this little adventure but figured she had started the journey she might as well see it to the very end. There might not be a choice anymore.
"Sorry." Xena reached out with a shaking hand glad that her touch was not rebuked as she gently stroked the severely tortured skin. In fact Gabrielle leaned into the touch and that was all the boost in confidence that she needed. "I didn't mean to laugh it's just that at least part of what led us to almost ending our friendship makes sense. Ares was behind the voices in my head. He played on my insecurities when it comes to you."
That got a raised blond eyebrow. "You…are insecure?" Gabrielle could not help but shake her head trying to take that in. Xena was the most confident person that she knew. Going into most every fight whether they were outnumbered or not she always had a swagger about her. And to think that she could make her friend, her soulmate, her lover insecure was beyond her. "So you were insecure how? I mean if Ares had anything to do with things he was trying to break us apart."
"And it probably wasn't just Ares." That got a look from the bard to the warrior princess. "Think about it. Our relationship was strong before we went to Britannia. It was strong until you were…" Xena had trouble say the words. "Until you killed someone and then truly were raped." She took a deep breath not wanting to dwell on what she was thinking but for some reason could not help herself. "I mean…" She started to say something but she realized that this Gabrielle would not know about the lava pit and the sacrifice. "It just makes sense that Dahok had an influence as well."
Gabrielle started to nibble on the neck next to her not even realizing what she was doing until a moan escaped the warrior princes. Part of her had to laugh at what she was doing and what the end result was. "I should have known that when Ares offered me an easy way to get there before you it was all part of a sick and twisted plan." Her lips now were making their way to her soulmate's. "I should have trusted you."
After the long and passionate kiss that had made thinking a little troublesome Xena had to admit one more thing. It was a difficult thing to admit even though most likely Gabrielle knew the truth. "When I went to Chin…" She had to swallow hard and take a deep breath to continue. "When I went to Chin it was basically on a one way mission." She felt and heard the sharp intake of the woman in her arms. "I was stupid to even think of giving up what I had for something in the past. I'm sorry and I'm so glad that you came to Chin. Even if at the time I didn't realize it at the time."
"I do understand." Gabrielle reached out once more and cupped Xena's cheek in her hand. "I took Ares up on his offer partly because I was worried about your physical wellbeing." There was a hesitation from the petite blond. "But I actually went there because I was jealous of this woman that meant so much to you that you would actually throw away the past two and half years. Our lives, Xena. That's what hurt the most. It was our lives not just yours."
Now that was something that Xena had never considered. There was a lot that they had revealed when they sang their hearts out for one another but this had never come up. "You were jealous?" It was amazing that her bard could think like that. "I have a question for you before I tell you why you would never have anything to be jealous about from anyone. Were you ever jealous of Marcus?" A shrug was her answer. "Of Ulysses?" Another shrug. "Was there anyone other than La Mao you were jealous of?"
"I was jealous of anyone that ever had your heart before me." Gabrielle quickly continued. "I knew about you and Hercules. I knew about you and Marcus. And I knew about you and a handful of other men. Not many but enough. But when it comes to your heart it seemed to me that there was only one that you truly gave your heart to and not just lusted after. That was La Mao." The bard took a deep breath waiting to see what her soulmate's response would be.
"While I was intimate with a couple of those that you mentioned none of them truly had my heart. Marcus truly was the one that came the closest." Xena felt the shudder from the woman in her arms. "That was only because he reminded me a little of you at one time. He had not always been a bad guy. He was turned that way by circumstances. And in the end he tried a couple times to do the right thing. As for La Mao she did have a part of my heart." The petite body stiffened noticeably. "But she never had a part of my soul. You my love, my everything, you are my soulmate. You are my other half. You make me complete."
"Oh Xena!" Gabrielle was kissing the woman she loved. It felt so good and real that Xena got lost in the feelings and the sensations. It was all too real and something she had missed feeling so much that it ached. Even in a land that was supposed to be paradise she had felt empty and incomplete. There was a piece of her soul missing. Having the bard simply in her arms was enough. Of course the sensation of lips against her skin was something she would never tire of.
And just like that it was gone. Xena was now standing in a palace many miles from where she just was. She was in a place that she expected to be especially after the conversation she had just had with Gabrielle. The warrior princess stood to her full height as she entered the chamber that had been used to teach her so many life lessons. Of course at the time she had not been ready to learn them all. There sitting on the edge of the bath that once had been her hiding place and the woman sitting there had to give her air to breathe.
They stared at one another neither really sure what to say. The times that they had flashed through Xena's mind and she knew just how important this woman had been in shaping her as far as fighting was concerned. Of course she shaped her a little as a person as well. But she was far from who she was meant to be when they parted ways and it was time that La Mao knew the truth. "I'm sorry but you know that I could never love you." In that moment the soft brown eyes turned feral even scaring the warrior princess.