AN: Once more I must begin by thanking my lovely readers. :)

Particularly those who have left their thoughts, positive or neutral or whatever, you are the ones who help this story grow. A particularly heartfelt thank you must go to my dear friend ASKITA, for pointing me in the right direction with this - she's unbelievably focused and I have nothing but nice things to say about her! :)

Some of you noticed and commented on the rating change. All I'll say is this: while it may not exactly be 'M' rating content as of yet, we're building up to some pretty rough road which will merit the rating.

Gigi: Ahhhhh. The feels your review left me with. Just - gah, the feels. Thank you babe! :) I'll try to make it so you will notice the update this time, that way you won't feel *too* much anxious about the latest chapter, lol! ;)

Ursos: you're a newcomer, and are most welcome for it and for leaving a review! :)

It's truly great to hear from you and all the others how good you think my work is, and it really pays off when you're writing to know that people out there are going to be reading it and letting you know their thoughts, so thanks for being a part of that. As for Pepper discovering Tony is still alive - I'm afraid you'll just have to wait and see. But I can tell you, this particular chapter is quite *devious*. ;)

CHAPTER SUMMARY

In which Pepper is trying to find her footing in this topsy-turvy world that she struggles to recognise. But there are things lurking in the dark and the unknown that she isn't aware of - and Loki intends to keep it that way.

*Chapter seven: Ephemeral*

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"I would not bend. They could not make me." – Janice Hardy

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; I lift my eyes and all is born again." – Sylvia Plath

-o-o-o-o-

KIDNAPPED DAY 7

LOCATION: UNKNOWN

She wished today never existed, not in the entire history of human calendars. Because if it didn't exist, it wouldn't mark her husband's death anniversary. Her life was in shambles, shattered in a plethora of pieces. Every time she thought one was fixed, another broke down.

- all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put it back together again –

This was her existence now. Everything, *everything* she now labelled as either 'BHD' or 'AHD' – 'Before his death' or 'After his death.'

Some days were better than others. She now had enough presence of mind to realise that she wasn't fully functioning, that she was broken, damaged goods.

She had her 'lucid' moments. During that brief window of time Pepper would know that she was letting depression and apathy have the reins of her life, that she allowed them to lead her down their dark, twisted paths without so much as a peek out of her mouth.

Briefly, this thought saddened her.

It saddened her that she could not be the person she needed to be in order to live. It saddened her that she couldn't be a mother to her son, because these days she couldn't even take care of herself.

Then the window banged shut, and she resumed her dysphoric state.

Nights were the worst. It was a struggle, always a struggle for something.

Sleep.

No sleep.

Dreams.

No dreams.

Breath-stealing anguish.

Debilitating grief.

She couldn't escape. This was her cage now.

Sometimes she dreamed of him, and those were always the worst nights, the *worst*. Bright images flashed in her brain and awakened her conscious, calling out to that battered thing that resided in her chest which lead her to feel again. She saw her beloved as he had been in life, glorious and exuberant. He'd been everywhere. With his wit, his brilliant mind, his charm … The images of him appeared to her as smoke and ghouls in the dead of night, inconsistent shadows of a life that could never be again.

Her love for him stabbed keenly, a wounded animal that cried out for an end, or for a renewed chance to be whole. Her nerve-endings were frayed by the overload of phantom feelings of his thrilling touch, at once so passionate and tender.

He'd been bright like a star in her life, her own sun. But in the end she'd had to let him go, because his body was too fragile a vessel to contain him. He'd burnt right through it, streaking brightly across her life like a comet. How she'd followed him. Instinctively, devotedly, for ever and always. He'd become her life, her everything. She hadn't meant for it to happen all those years ago, when she'd realised with a dawning sense of horror that she was falling in love with her boss.

Pepper had known it then. The harbinger that had spoken to her of her impending doom had visited her long ago. He would destroy her, utterly and irreparably. And he had; once gone, he was gone forever and he'd taken everything with him, her life, her future.

But whatever her life had become without her truly realising it (this, she still couldn't remember, and puzzled over it again and again) – she had found her purpose. It had flared when she'd woken up. Now this purpose burned bright within her. It was a furnace that had lit her up from the insides. She had to put everything behind her. She had to do it –

- Because she owed it to their son, the last living piece of Tony she would have.

Pepper had noticed things since her 'awakening'. Too many things just did not add up.

First. (Foremost in her mind, always her thoughts of him in his last moments.)

The funeral. Pepper had no recollection of that whatsoever. No matter how screwed up she may have become, she should remember her—

Pepper stilled. She'd come to think that she should not trust her own mind these days. Waking up in a house that belonged to you, but which you no longer recognised, in a life that couldn't possibly be yours but which irrevocably was, would do that to a person.

It shouldn't matter though, it had to be her mind firing off again with the fractured splinters that made her question her own reality. And yet …

No, she decided. She couldn't let it go. Whatever it meant, it did mean something. It couldn't just be meaningless.

The thing was, Pepper did not.

(Remember.)

Her wedding.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

Truly, there was a plethora of life events whose memory didn't seem to shadow her brain. His proposal. Their wedding ceremony. Their honeymoon – had they had a honeymoon? All the moments in between–

How long had they even been married?

How much time had passed before their child was conceived?

How? How could she not remember her own child's conception? What hope then, did she have in remembering his name?

Pepper questioned herself, long and hard. Tony's death had shattered her inside out, she knew that. It was as though from that day on, she'd split herself into another person, who had gone on spiralling out of control all the more in the absence of reason … and now that Pepper, the rational thinking woman with a great deal of common sense had returned, she couldn't make heads nor tails of anything. What kind of woman had she become, in absence of herself?

What kind of mother was she, to abandon her child, the last link to the man she'd loved so madly to a faceless person right when they needed each other the most?

None of it made sense! Pepper would never do that! No woman on the face of this earth could ever desire to be parted from their young right after the death of a loved one! She had gone weeks. Weeks. Without seeing her baby. It did not add up.

Many people did not remember her background when she'd come to work for Stark Industries. She had become infamous Tony Stark's faithful lackey/personal assistant long ago, until very few actually remembered that she'd started out as an accountant, with a number of degrees in this branch under her belt.

As an accountant, Pepper was used to making things add up. She knew how to make them work out just so.

And things here did not.

_ _ Add.

_Up.

Pepper didn't know what it was yet, where the heart of the matter lay concealed, the genesis of the problem – the source of it all going terribly wrong. But she was determined to work it out for herself and most of all for her child.

-o-o-o-o-

KIDNAPPED DAY 7 – CONTINUED

When Rhodey arrived at the house, Pepper was sitting in the living area, an afternoon tea set resting on the coffee table. She smiled wanly and hugged him in greeting, who briefly rubbed her back to show his support.

"How you doin' Pepper?"

"All right, I suppose. As well as can be expected. Would you like some tea?"

They sat down on the large sofa and drank the tea she had prepared. Rhodey looked … odd. He seemed to be both at ease and incredibly alert at the same time. Pepper puzzled over this, but gave no outward sign that she'd noticed.

"Rhodey there's something I need to discuss with you."

Rhodey set his cup onto the coffee table and looked at her, ready to hear what she had to say.

Pepper took a deep breath.

"We both know that I was out of it for a while there, after Tony's death. Now that I feel more like me again, there are some things that I need to sort out. First, I need to establish some kind of contact with Tony's lawyers, the will executors, what-have-you."

Rhodey nodded and remained silent. Pepper's voice wavered a little. "I need to see to our child's future. But before I can do that, I need to take care of me."

"I'm … I'm a mess, Rhodey, there's no hiding that. You've always been a very good friend, and I appreciate all that you've done for us. But now I need your help with something a little more practical."

Pepper told him that first of all she needed transportation of her own. She did not wander down to the garage, which had been shut for months, but Rhodey had told her that she no longer had a car.

Taking one of Tony's cars was … She wouldn't do it. She didn't want to touch any of the things he had loved, not yet. Those memories were far too precious and she knew that she couldn't emotionally handle something of that magnitude right now.

Then she would also need the phone lines connected to the network again, because even though she'd established herself in residence, there were still some things that needed her attention.

Amongst others, and also far more importantly, Pepper had to see to JARVIS' re-installation inside the house. The value of his assistance to her was incalculable; she badly needed his help in getting a semblance of order back into her life.

Rhodey listened, his face smooth and apparently understanding. Pepper felt better just talking it all out, like saying it out loud made the plans to get back in control of her life more concrete somehow, not just abstract projections of things that she wanted to do at some point.

She fiddled with the rings on her left hand –

And froze.

She looked down at her hand – more specifically at the two bands adorning her engagement finger. They were thin and looked to be made of platinum. One held a large oval ruby circled by diamonds. The other was smooth metal on the front, with tiny diamonds embedded on the inner side.

They were … Pepper felt another sense of loss as yet another memory was added to the long list of things that she couldn't recall clearly. They were her engagement ring and her wedding she had not realized that she was wearing them until now.

They felt heavy and alien on her finger.

A sense of disquiet stole over her. Pepper didn't feel like they belonged there. In fact, she wanted to take them off.

"Pepper?"

She snapped out of the daze and quickly looked up at Rhodey. His gaze was inquisitive.

"Sorry I was just … I meant to ask before, what is the situation over at the company?"

Rhodey did not answer, instead chose to ask her something back. "Is something wrong with your rings?"

Pepper lowered her eyes, feeling caught out. "Oh…No. I was just – I didn't realise I was even wearing them for a second there. Hey … Rhodey."

"Yes?" Pepper's voice was hesitant. She did not like having to always ask someone – mainly him, as he was the only person she saw these days – about things she did not remember. It made her feel like a child who had to look to her elders to be constantly taken care of. It made her feel like … her life wasn't even her own.

"Do you … remember … when Tony proposed to me? I mean, did he – talk to you beforehand? What was it like?"

There was no hesitation in his response, almost as though he had been waiting for it all afternoon.

He told her that a couple of years ago Tony had secretly come to him to tell him that he was going to propose to her. He showed Rhodey the ring stone and the designs for the bands, both her engagement band and their wedding bands. Designs, Rhodey told her, that Tony had drawn himself. There wasn't truly anything specific that he could tell her now, as it had all been very private. Pepper looked at the red stone on her finger, and a niggling feeling buzzed inside her again. None of this felt right. Not just because she couldn't remember it. None of it felt like Tony.

Tony had liked to flaunt and be flashy with his appearance, but he knew of her far more casual and reserved nature. Only once, early on in their working relationship when she had only been his assistant for a short amount of time, had he bought her jewellery that had not been her style. It had been one of his impulse-purchases done as a means of apologizing to her without actually saying the words. It had not been to Pepper's taste, and he accepted that. Next day a square box had been sitting on her desk, and when she looked inside, there was a beautiful pair of diamond studs twinkling tastefully at her. She'd worn those studs every day for over ten years.

This ring.

It wasn't a thing of Tony's.

Tony had known her. He had known her tastes – they were some of the things he had quietly endeavoured to remember about her, in that wholly sweet way of his.

This ring was gaudy and excessive. Could he have paired it to himself because he'd been Iron Man, so the colours matched? That would be something he'd be utterly capable of doing, Pepper didn't doubt it. But … would she have gone through with it?

Right now she hated seeing it in the most abstract sense, never mind the way she felt when she looked at it on her finger. It almost –

Oh for goodness' sake! Now you're just being melodramatic!

(But no. Go ahead. Admit it to yourself.)

It almost felt like an another man's ring. There. She'd admitted it.

Rhodey rose from the sofa. "Well Pepper, I gotta head out now. I have a big meeting tomorrow morning, and there are still plenty of things for me to look over before the night is done. You know how it is."

He hugged her and held her close again.

For some reason, Pepper's skin went clammy when it came into contact with his.

Rhodey drew back to look at her face. "About those things you requested. I'll see to it that the phone lines are restored. In the meantime though, I would feel much better if you stayed in the house. Just to get your bearings, you know, to get a feel of the old place again. I'll come by tomorrow for lunch, promise. Take care hon."

He gave her a peck on her cheek and made his way towards the front doors.

Pepper spoke again and he stopped.

"What about JARVIS, Rhodey? When can I have him back here? His help would be inestimable to help me remember my life."

Rhodey pasted a solicitous smile on his face and nodded distractedly. "Of course, you're right. We'll see about that, talk some more when I have more time, okay? I'll see you tomorrow."

And with that he left. Pepper sank back onto the sofa. Even she could not describe to herself exactly what it was she was feeling in that moment. But it disheartened her to hear how reluctant her friend was in helping her. Maybe she no longer knew him as well as she once had.

On her finger, the red gem gleamed brightly in the waning light of the sunset. Pepper looked at it again. And she never realised it, but as her eyes stared down into the hard inner fractals of the ruby, she forgot completely what had just transpired, as though it had never happened.

Outside the house Loki smiled as he rubbed a ring on his finger that was identical to Pepper's.

End of chapter seven. You know I can't go by without some readers' love. Let those nimble fingers fly over the keyboard and then hit that button, I know you're capable of it! Usual readers (thank you for stopping by every time and for sticking with me thus far!) and newcomers all welcome! :)

Till next time,

Vesper.