Captors/Captives
Well goddy goddy God God. This is one of those 'OhmyGOD Jack Sparrow and Co. are in my KITCHEN whatever will I do' stories.
Only just funnier. I hope. I hope you find this story witty. Actually takes place between the end of AWE and the bit after the credits. Basically, I'm having a sleepover, and the PotC characters invade my house. So I pretend to have travelled from the eighteenth century too, with terrible conciquences. And my mates are my crew. Whoop whoop!
Anyway this mightn't go anywhere, but it might if you like it and R&R!!!!
I love you for it.
Honestly.
Chapter One
Pirate Sleepover
I got this idea from reading J-14. It was some issue and I only bought it because it showed you how to host your own pirate party.
So I did.
Only it was a sleepover.
And it changed my bleedin life forever.
But a bit about my backstory first;
I am fourteen (nearly).
I live in Ireland.
I am Irish.
And that's it.
Anyway, it was summer hols before I went into second year in secondary school, and my mammy said I could have a sleepover.
Yay!
I chose to theme it, and I picked piratic (word my best mate Orlagh made up, thanks poppet).
So I invited my bessie mates, Orlagh and Irene and my cuzzies (cousins, fool) Siobh (aka Siobhan, Shiver, Biv, Bibs) and Holly (ugh).
I had to compile a music/movie playlist, then.
Of course, the movie playlist went like this;
1. Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl
2. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
3. Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (us acting along)
4. Pirates of the Cairbbean: Dead Man's Chest (us acting along again there)
The music playlist would have to consist of something piratic.
I didn't have a clue right then, so I decided to act on impulse on the night.
The night actually came quick enough.
Well, the day came first of course.
All my mates arrived in there piratic outfits as instructed on the invitation (Those without piratic outfits and/or rum will be shot and made eat their own knickers).
Of course, they couldn't get their filthy mitts on real rum, but they brought the next best things; Cidona and Nestea!!!!
Huzzah!
For those of you who don't know, Cidona is a sparkling apple juicy fruity drink and Nestea is ice tea with flavours in it (Red Fruits, Lemon).
They do look like rum.
Well, you have to wait for the Cidona to get flat first.
Anywho.
The first fun thing that we did that day was a brilliant scavengery hunty type thing, made by moi, for the craic.
It had clues round the house like Where Elizabeth Keeps Her Dresses (wardrobe)and Where Jack Would Probably Keep His Rum If He Had One... Which He Doesn't (fridge).
Well, we all found the treasure in a chest out in the back garden and it was full with jewelery from Penneys.
Then we went inside for the food. Since Mammy and Daddy were gone, and they didn't trust me and my mad mates in the house on our own, Johnny (my bruv) was in charge, so he made us a pizza with which we had our rum.
Then we binged on choccy.
It was fabby.
At nine o'clock we all decided to get into our jimjams.
We didn't intend on going to bed at this time, naturally we intended to stay up til dawn and beyond. Johnny might have minded.
But who cares because all he ever does is play on the computer or do DJing and eat bread.
Anyway, we watched all PotCs and then acted along as we do.
Then we all got vair vair bored, so we all went down to the kitchen and I made a banana and honey face mask for each of us. Huzzah, once again.
Anyway, we went stayed in the kitchen for a bit, with our banana face masks on, praying that Johnny wouldn't come in or invite one of his weird mates over.
After about five minutes of chatting and so on, we heard a big massive BANG! from my room.
We all ran up the stairs to check it out, naturally.
I was praying that it wasn't my TV, when we opened the door.
And oh shit.
You can guess what happened next.
Sitting in the middle of my bleeding room was Wiliam Turner and Captain Jack Sparrow.
The two hottest pirates in existance.
Oh...my...shite.
We all stood there, dumbstruck.
I looked at Orlagh, Orlagh looked at Irene, Irene looked at Siobh and Siobh didn't bother to look at Holly because if she did I knew she'd say something stupid like, "I like pie."
Or something.
Anyway, I felt like I was going to faint, because we were staring at them and they were staring at us in a very odd way.
Then they unsheathed their swords.
And I realised we all had our banana masks on.
And Captain Jack Sparrow was staring at me... and I only had my pretty dotty lacy night dress on.
Which was see-through.
And I was wearing my Betty Boop underwear.
This is worse than being eaten by the Kraken.
Will and Jack were approaching us slowly, wordless for some reason. I had thought that Jack would say something funny and pervy about our state of dress (for God's sake, Holly had Hello Kitty jimjams on). But he didn't.
So I decided to lead the running party inside the small bathroom at the top of the stairs. And lock it so Will and Jack couldn't get in.
I looked at my face.
I looked like I had been sick on it.
I took action as we were all squished inside the very small bathroom (I was in front of the sink, Orlagh and Siobh were sitting on the toilet with the lid down, and Irene and Holly were sitting in the shower) and washed my face mask off.
"OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod!!!" Orlagh said.
"I know," Siobh said.
"Was that really them?" Orlagh said.
"I hope so," I found myself saying.
"It can't be them," Irene, the all knowing voice of reason, said, "they're movie characters. It can't be them."
"You're right," I said, "We can't let them find that out."
"What are you going to do if Elizabeth's here?" Holly asked.
"Shut up, Holly," Orlagh and I chorused.
"Well the first thing we should do is prepare ourselves physically," I said.
"What does that mean?" Siobh asked.
"We wash off these goddamn face masks," I said, "I heard that Jack Sparrow don't like girls that look like they were just being perpetually sick on each other's faces."
So the girls set about (very awkwardly) removing the banana masks.
The good thing about having a banana mask on when Jack Sparrow and co come to your house is that it guarentees that you will have virtually clear skin. My spots certainly weren't siren red.
Good.
"All done," Siobh said, "Now what?"
"Now, on to the hair fluffing."
Hair fluffing done.
"Now, before we go out, we must elect a leader," Orlagh said, "and I vote Clara, because it's her house."
They all voted me, except for Holly, who voted the Elvive conditioner.
So we exited the bathroom, relieved to be able to breath again.
"Where did they go?"
Jack and Will were nowhere to be seen.
"Jack?" I called, "Will? Where are you?"
"How do you know my name?"
Will's head had popped out from under the stairs.
I heard Jack sigh heavily from under there.
"Thank you, William, for ruining yet another of my brilliant plans," he said, "But he's right... how do you know our names, lass? Or, lasses?"
I smiled my best smile that I had been practicing for a moment like this.
"Well," I said, "You're famous, see?"
Jack's expression was easily read as, wow really?
"Mm-hm," I continued, the rest of the chicks hovering behind me, "We learned about you in... history class. You are in the twenty first century. And you are very very famous pirates. Will is famous for being the captain of the Flying Dutchman..."
Jack scoffed.
"...and Jack is famous for, er... being cunning and brilliant and gorgeous and so on," I added, leaving Jack looking satisfied, "And having great hair."
"Mmm," Jack said, "Substantially believeable. Now are you lasses going to introduce yourselves, our are we to hang about not knowing the names of our captors?"
"Oh, right, well I'm Clara," I said, "This is Orlagh, Siobh, Irene and... Holly, unfortunately."
Holly waved at Jack.
He looked very disturbed.
He had good reason.
"Now, if you would just put away the swords and pistols," I said, "Don't you worry, poppets, you can trust us."
I don't know how I suddenly got so bleeding confident.
Will put his pistol back in his belt gingerly, while we seemed to have won Jack over.
Peeerrrfect.
I lead the way down the stairs to the boys, and then remembered Johnny.
Holy shit.
"Ssh!"
I held a finger up against my spearmint lip glossed lips (found some in the loo while we were in there - just in case of snogging incidents with Jack, which weren't likely), so then my finger was all sticky.
I heard loud techno dance music coming from Johnny's room.
Oh good, he had his earphones on.
We all jumped when we heard another loud BANG! from the sitting room.
When I jumped I fell against Will, who steadied me, but probably didn't trust me, still, the mank.
I took a deep breath and straightened my pretty night dress and walked forward to the sitting room door.
I heard a lot of coughing.
I glanced to my left and saw Jack with his ear against the door.
"You're in luck," he said to Will.
I knew that only meant one thing.
I opened the sitting room door and turned the light on.
And it was like Christmas, but backwards.
Elizabeth was sitting on my sitting room floor covered in soot.
How did she get down the chimney, is what I want to know.
But I suppose, she is super skinny and so on so she just slid down.
She was there coughing and coughing and Will went over and helped her up.
They had this disgusting soppy moment where it was just like Spiderman only Elizabeth was the right way up.
Will wiped the soot from her face and held her face and snogged her face right off.
"Euuuwww," I found myself saying and looking away.
I saw that Siobh and Orlagh had both very sinister looks on their faces.
Elizabeth would be very much dead by sunrise, if she wasn't careful.
"Will," she said all Elizabethy, "where are we?"
I found myself stepping up to her and going, "You, my love, are in the twenty first century. And you are also in my house. I will be your hostess for this evening, Clara."
I introduced the others one by one, like before.
"But how did we get here?" Elizabeth asked, ever curious, the little friggin'... curious something.
"Oh, well, slight glitch really," I said, using my improv acting talents (mwah ha ha ha ha), "Didn't you know that there was an entrance exam for the captaining of the FD?"
"FD?"
"Flying Dutchman," Jack and I said in unison, and Jack added, "Obviously."
"Yeah, right well," I explained, "So, what you, Will, have to do is... survive as best you can in this future century where everyone adores you. Then you have to go back and live up to your rep. Reputation, that is."
"That's it?" Jack said, "Dear Lord. I could pull that off, no problem. Might be a bit of a problem for our William, though, considering."
"Considering what now?" Will asked threateningly.
"Oh, nothing," Jack said breezily, "You'll see soon enough."
He winked at me (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I smiled.
What with the confidence out of nowhere???
Anyway, I went over to stand by the girls and Holly said, "Elizabeth."
I have no idea.
"Shut up Holly."
"Well," Elizabeth said, "what are we supposed to do in this future century?"
BANG!
"Go check that bang out," I said, and led the party to some moaning (no not that kind of moaning, you dirty monkeys) from the study.
I tried the door. It was locked. How dare it.
"Orlagh," I said, "be a doll and go get the study key from above the sink. It's the one with the keyring of me on it."
She hopped off to get it, as she does.
She came back and I shoved it in the door.
I opened it hastily and flicked the light on.
"Holy shit."
"Oh God!" Jack moaned.
"James?" Elizabeth exclaimed.
"Beckett?" Will also exclaimed.
"Sparrow?" Beckett exclaimed.
"Turner?" Norrington exclaimed.
"Holly!" Holly said.
We all looked at her.
"Why is this turning into Shrek 2?" Orlagh asked.
I was mad right now, really mad.
Norrington had unsheathed his sword and Beckett was getting up off the floor.
"NOBODY MOVE!" I screamed. I hoped Johnny didn't hear me.
Everyone stopped in there tracks, staring at me.
"Is this the commoner wench that brought us here?" Beckett snarled.
Alright. Attack of the Bitches.
"Did I ASK you to speak, eunuch?" I yelled.
He looked rather startled.
"Excuse me," he said, "I am Lord-"
"-Cutler Bloody Beckett of the East India Cock Company, I KNOW! Everyone here KNOWS, alright? So do us a favour and SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!"
Everyone stared at me, mouths open.
This would not have happened in an ordinary situation. Everyone would've just laughed at me.
But eighteenth century movie characters are different.
I felt a big surge of commanding power going through me.
I wonder if Jack ever got this feeling.
Anyways, I walked across the room and stood up on the futon.
"Now listen up," I said loudly, "while you are here, there is one captain and one captain only-"
I looked at Jack pointedly and sinisterly.
"-and that is me. You will address me as 'Clara' or 'Cee' for some of you..."
I looked at Jack pointedly again, but not so sinisterly.
"...and you will follow MY ORDERS ONLY..."
Beckett's turn for the Sinister Glare.
"...and one of those orders is no unsheathing swords for tiny little things..."
Glared at Will. He looked scared. Oooh.
I saw Jack kind of pointing to himself.
Oooh, I felt just like Will when he threatened to kill himself in CotBP.
"And for God's sake, no threatening Jack," I said as a finish, then added, "And another thing; if I hear so much as a squeak from downstairs that maybe another of your ridiculous friends, I am going to kill them and make them eat their pantanloons, clear?"
They all nodded.
I was being all commanding and Jackish. Ooh!
Then Holly went and ruined it all, as per usual.
"What if it's Tia Dalma?" she asked.
"Then I won't," I replied and nodded to Jack.
"Giselle?"
Jack glanced to her scarily. It looked like he may kill her.
"Perhaps not."
"Scarlett?"
"Don' know."
"What about the monkey?"
"Holly, I swear to GOD that I will quite literally get Jack to SHOOT YOUR BLEEDING ASS OF IF YOU DO NOT SHUT UP RIGHT THIS INSTANT, YOU ALMIGHTY STRUMPET."
Then she got all sulky like she does.
Ugh.
Really.
"Now," I said calmly, going over to Jack and grabbing his arm, "I want you to bring your little pals into the sitting room, sit down and whatever you do, do not touch anything."
"And what if we do? What are you going to do then, love?"
Cocky bastard.
"I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Jackie," I said, "I am going to perform a little surgical procedure from the waist down that will make you that little bit less of a man."
Jack looked horrified.
He led his party into the sitting room.
"And keep quiet in there," I shouted after them.
"What did you do that for?" Irene asked.
"Well, we have to get dressed, don't we?"
We ran up to my room and the girls grabbed their nicest clothes from their bags.
Me, I slipped on my Paco jeans, my green lacy camisole and my green kitten heels.
I grabbed my make-up basket and we all rooted through it for suitable items.
I opted for green eyeliner, in honor of Jack, and some more spearmint lip gloss and a hint of mascara.
Alright. Ready for a night with the pirates.
And the ponces, too.
We all hurried downstairs, and Holly's look teetering dangerously toward 1960s tart girl.
She had better not be trying to steal Jack from me.
Her stubby little claws were not getting anywhere near my man.
Dear God, what am I saying????
Age difference is ENORMOUS.
Anyways, it seemed all the other chicas were after Will after my threatening speech and they all knowing my obsession with Jack and so on.
So, we entered the sitting room.
"Oi!" I yelled at Will and Norrington, "If you both want to shag Elizabeth so badly, why don't you just take turns? It's not like she minds."
Jack and Irene and Orlagh and Siobh snorted with laughter.
Holly didn't get it.
Typical.
"Now if you don't put them swords away," I said, "I'm going to take them and remove both your manhoods, m'kay?"
They sheathed the swords.
"But hold on," Orlagh said, "I don't get this. How come Norrington and Hey Ho Spagetti-O are here? I thought they died."
"Orlagh..." I said, "remember, the Dutchman exam thing brings back your worst enemies, remember?"
"Er...yes, of course!"
"Well, that explains why Jack is here," Will said.
"Oi! That little murderess of yours came on to moi," Jack said defensively, "so s'cuse me for being innocent. Everything ain't always my fault."
"We know, Jack," Holly said, appearing beside him.
Ohh!!!!!
She is so dead.
"Whoops," I said, "I forgot the music. Holly can you help me with the CDs, please? The rest of yous... keep them out of trouble."
Holly and I walked out into the hall.
I caught her by the shoulders.
"Holly," I said menacingly, "don't you try anything with Jack. You know the way I feel about him. And you are my family. And I am also older and more experienced. So back off."
She went sulky and we gathered up the CDs.
We had a lot of mixes I had made before, so I planned the playlist mentally.
Went like this.
1. You Know I'm No Good - Amy Winehouse
2. All that Jazz - Catherine Zeta Jones
3. Sewn - The Feeling
4. Bitch - The Rolling Stones
5. Cheers Darlin' - Damien Rice
6.When the Sun Goes Down - Arctic Monkeys
7. Amie - Damien Rice
8. What Ever Happened - The Strokes
9. Rehab - Amy Winehouse
10. Natural's Not In It - Gang of Four
11. Chelsea Dagger - The Fratellis
12. Fools Rush In - Bow Wow Wow
Actually that was from an iTunes Party Shuffle playlist I wrote down. There was about 50 more songs, but I am not bothered to write them.
So Holly and I were picking up some random singles when we heard another BANG!
My head flew up.
"Oh no," I said under my breath, "Oh no no no no no noo. This can't be happening to me!!!"
I snuck up to the door of my room, Holly behind me, and opened it.
Three guesses who was there.
Ta da! That was the first chappy chap. Like it?
All these are real people. Holly is my real cousin and is really that stupid. So stupid, in fact, that she thinks she likes Jack more than I do. And this is coming from the girl who's favourite movie is High School Musical
Grrrr, how dare she.
Anyway, hope everyone is in character, specially Jackie boy.
Anyways, peace, and PLEEEEAASE R&R!!!!!
Love you love you love you love you!!!!!