Hello! Thanks for the reviews, you mad bush monkeys.

Will keep writing and warning to anyone who don't like me calling Jack Jackie for it is used in this chappy, but not very much, thank shite.

Anyway, read on!

Oh, and I own none of it. Only myself and my mates and so forth.

Chapter Two

R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

Holly screamed her bleeding head off.

"Oh, for God's sake, he's not that scary," I breathed, even though I was scared shitless.

I was breathing deeply and I was pretty sure that he was staring at my cleavage. Not that I have much of it, mind you. But you know how he is.

I was sure that Holly would be delighted.

The monkey was clamboring under his big huge hat.

That's right.

Good ol' Hector Barbossa was pointing his bleeding cutlass in my face.

Holly was cowering behind me.

"I've a good mind to kill ye now," he said, "but I'd love to know what's me and me monkey doin' in this dump?"

"Err..."

This was way scarier than being faced with your ideal man.

This was being faced with the man you loathed second most in the world.

"JaaACK!!!" I found myself screaming, terrified.

He came lizard running up the stairs in a flash.

"What the bloody hell is it...oh."

"Jaaaack," Barbossa said, "Pleasure to see ye. May I ask what you're doing with these two young wenches?"

"Actually, Hector," Jack said, "You're just in time! I was just about to do the deed myself..."

"What? That's..." Holly said, before I motioned for her to be quiet.

I knew Jack had a plan.

Or, I hoped Jack had a plan.

"See, this wench here fed myself and the Turners down there some cock and bull story about this being a trial for young William," Jack said, and gestured to me, "you know, him being disillusioned into thinking he's the captain of the Flying Wotsit. So she says he must survive in this alternate universe to prove himself worthy. Personally, I think she's a bit gone in the head too..."

"This is rich, coming from the man who fancies Elizabeth Swann," I said, much to my own surprise. I never wanted to admit that.

He was crazy to like her. He really was.

"What's your name, girl?" Barbossa asked me.

Fake name. Fake name. Fake name fake name fake name fake name fake name!!!!!! .

"Velma Mi Marie," I said quietly.

"S'cuse me?" Jack said.

"Captain Velma Mi Marie," I corrected myself.

Jack looked at me, shocked.

I was shocked myself. I had replaced my name with an R'n'B singer/ character from Chicago's name.

WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME????

It must be Sparrow fever. Mwha ha ha ha.

"Well, Captain Velma Mi Marie, where be your ship?" Barbossa asked.

"I'm on the market, as it were," I said, quoting Jack before I could stop myself.

"And where be we?" he asked.

"Well, to be quite honest with you, I don't know where 'we be'," I lied smoothly, "I happen to be just as lost as you are."

Jack still looked mildly suprised.

"Oh, Captain Sparrow, please except my sincerest apologies for earlier," I said to him, "I suppose I was just trying to distract myself from... never mind."

God, I was good! No, better than good.

I was bleedin' blessed.

"From what now, Missy?" Barbossa probed. God, what was with the questions? He was like fella off CSI. Horehey, or something.

"My grandfather...passed away recently," I said, looking to the floor, "Captain Chevalle. Only family I had left."

Excellent. Go and make yourself part of the Brethern Court too, why don't you.

"And... did he leave you his... thingy?" Jack asked, sounding intimidated.

I had stared at the floor for so long that my eyes began to water. Perfect crying effect.

I looked up at Jack angrily.

"Of COURSE he left me it! Who else would he leave it to, you?!"

So, so angry.

"Well, miss," Barbossa said, "I believe you and your... littler miss there be one of us."

Barbossa then just descended down the stairs out of his own accord.

"Velma Mi Marie?" Jack said.

"That's right."

"Oh, tha's bollocks!"

"Well, if you don't like it, tough," I said, "Liz ain't the only female captain in these waters."

I heard screams from downstairs.

Ah, joy. My crew.

"Now, Jackie boy, you'd do well to be on my side in all this," I hissed, "I am captain of this ship, love, like it or not."

I hurried down stairs, followed by Holly and an angry looking Jack.

I entered the sitting room and the swords were out again.

"OY!" I screamed louder than ever, "PUT 'EM DOWN!"

That was when Johnny poked his head out the back bedroom door.

"What are ya shouting at?"

"NOTHING!"

He retreated into the room.

I circled every pirate individually as I said the next speech.

"Now, I already warned y'all - I am el capitano here. I was 'ere first. My er, ship, my rules. Y'all would do well to obey 'em, right? Specially you, Jackie boy."

I hissed that part in his ear and tugged one of his braids.

He looked fairly uncomfortable.

"I don't want any rebellions here, right? Especially from Beckett and the other fella over there. So... do us a favour and tie em up, would ya, Will?"

Will just looked at me.

"With what?"

"There's a room upstairs, on the right. Should be some scarves in there."

He set off.

All my friends looked beyond confused.

"And why should we listen to you?" Elizabeth said.

"Yes, why?" Norrington said.

"Barbossa, you wouldn't take care of our girlie there, would you? Bullet in the mouth should do it."

"No!" Elizabeth squeaked.

"Then behave yourself, honey," I said, "Now, I would like to see my crew for a mo, in the hall..."

I was about to follow my confused looking 'crew' out, when I decided to add, "And if any of you so much as sigh, I will not hesitate to mutilate you."

"Clara," Orlagh asked, "What is going on?"

"Okay, so I may have told Barbossa that I was a pirate called Velma Mi Marie."

"What?" they chorused.

"Yeah... and that I was related to that French fella from the Brethren Court."

"Oh, God!" Orlagh said.

"And that he was dead and I was his heir."

"Oh my God!" Siobh said.

"And that I didn't know where we were either."

"That was so stupid!" Irene said, "Why did you do that?"

"Because," I said, "I didn't want him to kill all of you. Okay, so now you can be my crew. Orlagh, you're first mate."

"What about me?" Holly said.

"Shut up Holly," I said, "And we should all pick pretend names."

Orlagh became Yunjin.

Siobh became Piper.

Irene became Filly.

Holly became Becky. How very typical of her.

"No, Holly, you have to pick a pirate name."

"Okay... Anamaria!"

"One that's not already taken."

"Um...Gretchen!"

"Fine, if it's the best you can do."

We went back into the sitting room.

Why was Will not back yet?

Myself and 'Yunjin' went to check why.

We came into my room.

Will had gotten tangled in my bags. How typical.

We untangled him and I gave him six scarves.

"Why six?"

"You need to tie up your lady Elizabeth."

"No..."

"Yes. She is unruly and disobiedient."

"No!"

"Orl- Yunjin, can you help me with this?"

Yunjin planted a very long snog on Will, while I tied him up.

Handy.

He struggled, but we were strong enough for fourteen year old girls, and fortunately he had two pistols on him, one for each of us.

Smart of us to both wear our boho belts, so we could stick the pistols down them.

Before we went out of the room, I grabbed my gold sparkly scarf and also my rainbow one from last winter. We'd need them.

We proceeded down the stairs when I heard a familiar call of,

"Come here!"

It was Johnny. Shittity brickitty.

I let go of Will and met Johnny at the kitchen door.

"Yeah?" I said.

"I want to ask you something."

"What?"

"Why is it that Keira Knightley, Geoffrey Rush and the other fella are in our sitting room dressed as pirates?"

"Johnny, come here."

I walked a few steps backwards to the computer under the stairs, and said, "I am so, so, so sorry about this."

"What?"

The lamp came crashing down on his black haired head with a sickening sound.

"That, mate."

Then I yelled to Yunjin up the stairs, "Bring him down!"

"What about Johnny?"

"He's incapacitated at the mo."

"LET ME GO!"

"Oh, okay. Stop struggling! Yes, we know you're gorgeous, but there's no need to be a brat!"

"LET ME GO!!!"

Jack's head popped out from behind the sitting room door.

"Can you both please get a move on? Elizabeth's begining to get a bit unruly in here... Barbossa's already tried kissing her and even that hasn't shut her up."

"Be there in a mo, poppet."

I smiled at him sweetly and ran up to help Orlagh- whoops, I mean Yunjin.

There was finally calm (sort of) in my house.

Beckett (aka Becky), Norry, Will and Liz had successfully been silenced.

"Now, since we have that unpleasantness over, I think we deserve some rum!" Jack said, classically.

"I'll see what they have in this place," I said, in an English accent, "but I ain't promising anything."

The other girls had donned English accents, too.

We walked to the kitchen, and they all saw Johnny unconcious on the floor in the hallway.

"What the hell is that?" Siobh asked, pointing at him.

"Just me doin' some honest pirating for once, Piper," I said, and pulled his house keys out of his pocket.

It was funny how quickly Jack had forgotten the thing about him being all famous and we learning about him in history class.

Then this happened.

"So everything about this twenty first century malarkey wasn't true?" he asked.

"Well, not exactly love," I said, "See, we woke up in the kids room upstairs. We found this history book and it said 'Twenty First Century And Back' on it. And yous was in it. So I pretended to be one of those twenty first century lasses."

"And why were you in nightgowns and such?"

"We woke up in 'em," Siobh aka Piper pitched in.

"Aye," I said, for effect.

"And may I see this alleged history book?" Jack asked, looking a little suspicious.

"Ah, no," I said, "Gretchen 'ere burned it. She thought it was blasphemous."

Then I added in a whisper, "She's very religious."

I pretended to root through the drawers, trying to find rum.

"Damn twenty first century maggots don't got none!" I exclaimed, "Bollocks!"

"You've got a foul mouth on you, missy," Barbossa remarked.

I glared at him.

"It could get even fouler if you don't watch it, Hector."

He smiled at me.

Perv.

Jack was rooting through the fridge.

"What the bloody hell is this?" he asked. He was obviously very upset because of our rum situation.

He was holding up a pack of seven bars of Bournville dark chocolate. Yum.

"Dunno," I said, "want to venture a guess?"

"Maybe it's some kind of poison," Irene aka Filly said.

Jack opened one of the bars.

He bit into it.

"Don' fret," he said, "it's only chocolate, love."

"Oh, God, give it here then!"

Jack gave me a bar.

I gave all the others one, except for dear old Hector. He was sitting at my kitchen table looking wise.

"Oh, Hector, live a little," Jack said, "or you'll turn wrinkly and bigoted in no time... oh, wait, too late."

I laughed.

We finished our bars in quick time, and went to check on our little captives.

Jack opened the door, and we heard a smack and a groan.

Cutler Beckett was lying on the ground along with Will.

I tutted.

"You naughty boys have been trying to escape, haven't you?" I said, "Well, you'll know better next time."

"This is barbaric!" Elizabeth screamed. I sauntered toward her.

"And just when I thought I had shut you up," I hissed in her face, "Of course it's barbaric, Elizabeth... but it's the only way."

I was truly becoming a monster.

Elizabeth, Norrington, Cutler and Will had no way of wriggling out of their bonds; Siobh and Jack turned out to be masters at the art of tying people's hands and legs together.

This was probably because Jack was a bondage slut, but he just didn't want to admit it.

And Siobh... well, she certainly wasn't a bondage slut. So I don't know about her.

"We'd want to stay with these," Siobh suggested in her Cockney accent that would put Lily Allen to shame, "just in case they break out again."

She looked at Will regretfully.

"I don't think we should have tied them up," Irene said, "we should have reasoned with them."

"Nah," I said, "I was never a girl for reason, me."

"Me too," Holly said.

I gave her a withering look.

She withered.

Mission accomplished.

Barbossa got up from the couch to look at the TV.

Me and the girlies had to pretend that we didn't know what it was.

He pressed the on button.

RTÉ2 came on.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show was on.

We stared at it in silence for a while.

Great, I thought, I am watching a film about transvestites and gay sex with four pirates, a Navy man and an agent from the East India Trading Company. My day is made.

We sat and watched Rocky Horror for the best part of an hour.

Afterwards, I said, "I think we'd be needin' some sleep, what do ye think?"

"Same here, love," Jack said, and he slipped a hand round my waist.

"Riight," I said, playing hard to get and slipping it away (I know that makes no sense. That is just typical me), "Yunjin, Piper, help me find us some blankets?"

Orlagh and Siobh followed me upstairs.

We went to my hotpress and started taking sleeping bags and blankets out.

"You know," Siobh said, "your dreams have come true and you are not even embracing them. Shaame on you."

"What the feck are you banging on about now?" I asked her.

Then she transformed into the Wise Woman of the Wood.

"I can see that Jack is smit with you," she said, "and you are not embracing it. How dare you."

"I don't know," I said, unsurely, "Doesn't he like hard to get? He liked it when Eliza Biza was hard to get..."

"Do whatever you want," Orlagh said, "Just don't go chaining him to masts for a snog, right?"

"So... whaddaya reckon about my chances with Will?"

She sooo should not have said that.

"Who says you have chances????" Orlagh said.

"He seems to like me..."

"Does not! It's me he likes. Clara, you saw the way he was looking at me. He likes me right???"

"Ladies! Now, listen; first of all, it don't matter where we are, I am still Velma Mi Marie or Captain to yous. And ye are all still whatever. Now, Will likes NEITHER of you because he likes Thigh Feeler MacGee. So shut it."

They went all thick and quiet.

"He could be promiscuous..."

"Orlagh! You have heard Jack enough times to know that he is a eunuch... but I guess we don't really know because Holly wouldn't let us stay for after the credits of AWE. Bitch."

"I'm Yunjin."

"Yeah, Yunjin, right sorry."

I descended down the stairs carrying blankets and Siobh and Orlagh followed me, giving each other menacing glances.

We walked into the sitting room and Barbossa was doing the Time Warp.

Oh, fabulous.

Bloody fabulous.

"Barbossa, dear," I said, Cockney accent back on, "refrain from doing that for you are not a transvestite owning a hostel for other transvestites/transsexuals. Not that I know of anyway."

"Where are the others going to sleep?" Holly asked.

"The others as in..."

"We're not sleeping on the floor with those two guys, are we???"

I rolled my eyes.

"Yes, Gretchen, we bloody well are. And if it don't suit you, you can sleep outside, savvy?!"

Jack looked impressed.

Mwah ha ha, I am on my way to Snog Central.

What, it happened to Beth in We're Noble, Heroic, Terrific Sopranos! and she was only fourteen.

Only she didn't get snogged, did she?

But he liked her.

True, dudelemosos.

Anyhow, I was being a glacy madam, organizing the blankies on the ground while the other girls were fighting over who was sleeping beside Barbossa.

"Well, I know I'm not!"

"Me neither."

"Me neither, as well," Holly chirped.

"Captain?" Irene said, mockingly, "Any thoughts on this?"

"Yes, Filly, indeed I do," I said, "Gretchen's sleeping next to Hector."

"Why are you always so nasty to me?"

"Because you are a whelp and a twat of the first water."

"Hmph!"

"You can hmph all you like, it's not going to change arrangements."

"Captain's orders!" Orlagh barked.

"Here, here," Siobh said.

I thought they were trying to get in my good books, because of the Will thing.

Tough, they were just going to have to share him.

"Alright, beds arranged!" I announced, "Snuggle down and pretend you're comfortable."

I had intended to go in the space between Orlagh and Jack, that Orlagh intentionally saved for me (thanks once again, poppet and besty friend), but who hops down there but HOLLY! aka Gretchen.

"Gretchen..." I said threateningly, "Get up."

"Make me!"

"Get. Up."

"As I said, make me!"

Ooh. She was quoting Jack.

She was so dead.

"Hector! Get over here!"

"What is it now?"

"Lift this young wench up and lock her in the study. Here's the keys."

He did as he was told.

"Wow," Irene said, "I didn't think Barbossa took orders from anyone."

"Yeah," Orlagh said, "You are such a bitch!!!"

I smiled at her.

"Ah," Jack said, trying the arm-waist thing again, "I like a woman in control...sometimes."

"And," I said, pushing it off and pouting, "I like a man who knows where he stands...sometimes."

Yeah! Glacy bitchy sex kitty! Meow!!!

Barbossa returned and I noticed that he had a fresh scrape on his grisly old face.

Holly was so violent.

We snuggled off to sleep. The other four brats (soz, Will) became quiet. Probably because Barbossa had punched each of the dudes, because they wouldn't stop mumbling during Rocky Horror. And Jack had satisfied his urge to slap Elizabeth.

I was facing Orlagh, and Jack didn't try anything in the night.

I know that because I was awake for most of the night.

It came to about five a.m. and Orlagh woke up for no reason.

"Hi," she said, "Did you sleep?"

"Nope."

"Got your miiind on somethin'?"

"Orlagh, do us a favour and stop quoting Jerry Lee Lewis from Walk The Line. And no, I am not going to shag Jack in his sleep."

"Why, are you worried that he will sound like Darina saying 'fuck' repeatedly?"

"No, it's just... disgusting. I'd be raping my favourite pirate. Eugh."

"Are you sure he's asleep?"

"Hold on."

I bent over and whispered, "Tortuuuuugaa... ruuuuum... prossssiiieees" in his ear. He jerked suddenly.

"Think so."

"D'you want to go out and see if Holly is talking in her sleep?"

"Indeed I do."

We went out to the study door and pressed our ears against it.

"Bonnnnyyyy?"

We both fell about silent laughing.

"Mmmm... Jack Sparrow... Captain Jack Sparrow, if you please..."

I stood up straight.

The talking wasn't sleepy enough.

I mouthed 'She's awake!' to Orlagh, and Orlagh spontanously threw the Golden Pages telephone directory at the door.

"Aaaaaah! W-who was that??? Cla- Velma was that you? Barbossa? Monkey?"

We looked at each other with an 'Ohmigod ohmigod OHMIGAWD!' look and set about looking for the monkey.

"Jaaacck... Jaaaaack..." I called, searching Johnny's room.

"Come out... I have something naaaaice for youuuu..."

"Well finally! I was beginning to think you weren't interested at all, darling."

I smiled, my back turned to Captain Jack.

"Captain Sparrow, you have a terrible habit of misinterpreting the situations at hand. Especially the ones concerning those of the female gender."

I turned toward him.

He was there, leaning on the arm propped up against the doorframe, his legs crossed over one another. You know the way.

Sexy beyond belief.

I found myself biting my tongue, in case it just took on a mind of it's own and stuck itself down his throat.

"Well, I don't think I misinterpretted it at all, love," he said, all flirtily and Jackish, "By the sound of your voice, it seems to me, me and my incredible intuitive sense of the female creature that you are playing hard to get, Miss Velma Mi Marie."

"That's Captain to you, chuck," I found myself saying before I could stop myself.

Shite! Think Velma Kelly girl think Velma Kelly!!!!

"Captain, then," he said, letting the words roll off his tongue, like he knew just what I wanted.

Jack came over to me, pulled me toward him and I found out something that I had wanted to know for the past four years.

I was nearly as tall as Captain Jack Sparrow.

Awwwwllllriiight!

Anyway, back to the whole thing.

"So what say we forget all this playing games malarkey-"

"-go upstairs to the bedroom and get on with the show?" I suggested. Jack looked mildly suprised.

"Sorry, Captain," I said, gently pushing him away with only my fingertips, "but this ain't the opportune moment."

Jack sighed exasperatedly.

"Oh, and when will be the bloody opportune moment, eh?"

"When it's of greatest profit to me, of course," I said, smiling over my shoulder.

"Love, you are truly a bother," Jack said, "But I'll bother with you anyway."

"Thanks," I said, "You've got to be the first to actually admit that."

I nodded curtly to him and I don't know why I actually did that.

"Come on," I said, "We've got to wake the others up."

"Ohh, why?"

"Well, to get us back home, duh."