HELLO EVERYONE! Yay! Chappy Three, now. Thank you ALL for reviewing. Especially RaphaelFanGirl101 and CaptainSparrow-luv! RFG101 was my first reviewer, and CaptainS-luv my maddest (you are appearing in Chappy 8, I think. I'll see if I can squeeze you in sooner, okay?). RaphaelFanGirl101, it is cool to like Barbossa. I think. Anywho, keep an eye out for my bessie mate Orlagh in this chappy, for she is vair vair amusant! Peace, and keep read and reviewing!
Chapter Three
You Know You're In Port Royal When...
I was still Spearmint Glacier Queen.
I told Irene about it, since she was the only one that didn't know except for Holly and there was no way I was telling her.
"That's kind of stupid, though," she said after I told her.
"How?" I said.
"There's no point in being mean to him," she said, "because it'll just make him... less interested."
"No, it won't," I said, wisely, "If I know Captain Jack Sparrow, which in a sense I do, he likes it when girls play hard to get. He obviously likes a challenge."
"Hmm," Irene said, contemplating this, "So...do you think Will likes it when girls play hard to get?"
"Oh, dear God."
We had found the monkey. It had taken a shine to Orlagh.
She was carrying it around like her dog Trudy and petting it and so on.
"Okay," I said when we were all sitting at the kitchen table, including the brats (soz Will) who we had finally let out of their bonds, "if anyone here has any idea how to get us back to our time, please raise your hand."
Orlagh raised her hand, and she was the only one.
"Yunjin!" I said, "Share, please."
"Captain, may I see you for a sec?"
"Uh...yeah."
We went out into the hall and closed the kitchen door behind us.
Orlagh was still holding the monkey.
"You want to go back to their time?" she said incredulously, "To olden times????"
"Er... yeah. Why?"
"What the hell is wrong with you, woman?" she said, dropping Jack the monkey, "You aren't serious; you want to go to a world without phones, without vest tops, without deodorant, without decent music, without Lost???????"
Oh, did I forget to mention that?
Orlagh is unnaturally obsessed with Lost.
She once watched 17 episodes in one day.
'Nuff said.
"Well, yes, but only for a little while."
"And how are you going to get back, exactly?"
"Well... I suppose we could ask Tia..."
"Clara, you have truly lost your mind. Tia expanded in POTC3. She is gone."
"Crap, you're right. But not going back will blow our cover... Will."
"What? What about Will?"
"Will. Will! Situation! Who's winning?"
Orlagh got all huffy.
"I am, of course."
"Irene likes him too."
"Whaat???"
"Let's go back into the kitchen."
So we did. I so didn't want to get involved with that.
"Any ideas yet?" I said.
"Yes... Barbossa has one," Will told me.
Orlagh fluttered her eyelashes at him.
No reaction.
God, he truly was being a total eunuch.
"Aye," Barbossa said, "I say we be needin' a bit of witchcraft on our side..."
"And you know of some?" Elizabeth said.
"Aye, missy, so keep quiet or we be havin' you in bonds again in no time!"
She stayed quiet.
Barbossa went on and on about this procedure of witchcraft and crap and I wasn't even really listening.
"Hrrrmmmmrrrmm," I heard from the hall.
Oh Jesus.
Oh Jesus!
Johnny!
Why hadn't we moved him??? Why??? And he was waking up now!!!
"Oi!" I said loudly, "Stay quiet. Jack, Yunjin, Filly, I need yous a second."
I led them out into the hall.
"Clara...what the f..." Johnny grumbled.
"Jack, do me a favour, love," I said, "Go get us something heavy and breakable."
"But why..."
"Just go!"
He scampered off.
"Johnny," I whispered.
"Mmm, what? Where the feckin' hell am I?"
"Johnny, I am going to smash something over your head again, so be prepared."
"Wha..."
Jack came back with a statuette thing. It was old. No one would miss it.
"Nice work," I said to him.
"My pleasure, love," he said, all flirty I think.
I brought the statuette down on my poor big bro's head and he was knocked out again.
"Right," I said, "Help me cart this whelp into the bedroom there."
It really did take all of us to bring Johnny into this bedroom.
"Why was he calling you Clara?" Irene asked, getting into character.
"Lord knows," I said, "He's convinced that I'm some twenty first century wench."
"You're far off that," Orlagh said.
"Er, thanks. Well, that's that problem taken care of... now back to how to get us home."
Everyone was still in the kitchen, and Beckett was helping himself to some blue cheese from the fridge.
"Er, sorry, Mr Beckett?" Irene said.
"It's Lord-"
"That's not blue cheese, Becky," Orlagh said, "It's just gone off. Good for you though, taking the chance and eating it. Very daring."
Becky scowled, and went on rooting through my fridge (grrr!).
"So... how about that magicy thing that Barbossa was suggesting? Let's try that," I said, "What do we need?"
"Candles, incense, flowers and something personally valuable from each of us," Elizabeth said.
"I saw some candles upstairs," Siobh said, "Don't know about incense though."
"We'll do our best," I said, "Now, let's all split up and search for what we need."
We all split up in our own groups.
Holly wanted to go with Jack who wanted to go with me, and I wanted to go with Orlagh.
So we all ended up going together.
Siobh was well put out about this, so I said that she was to take Will and Irene, and she brightened right up.
Eliza-Biza, Norry and Becky went of together.
I suggested we start in the 'wench's' room, so we did.
We took down my seashell candle, and some ornamental fake flowers that I had in my room.
"What about the something valuable?" Orlagh asked.
"I want the monkey!"
"Shut up, H- Gretchen," I replied, looking at my own seashell jewellery box, "I don't know. You got anything on you?"
"Only my Sawyer picture," she whispered, while Jack had his back turned.
"Ohh, right," I said, picking up my big silver ring, with the purple stone in it and putting it in the pocket of my jeans.
You know that gold one that Jack wears on the index finger of his right hand? You know the one, with the big purple stone in the middle of it.
Well, it looks like that, only silver.
Orlagh had decided use her silver ring with the little ruby in the middle of it, because she couldn't find anything else.
Holly, however, only wanted one thing.
"Monkey, monkey, monkey!" she exclaimed.
"Gretchen you are acting like a retard and quite frankly getting on my nerves," I said.
"Besides, lass, you don't want that infernal eviscerated simian clamboring round your shoulders day and night," Jack said, walking over to us, "It gets itchy after a while."
"Look, what about that?" Orlagh suggested, "The little 'Holly' necklace; your mother gave you that didn't she? Your mother, Holly?"
"No, I'm-"
We gave her a stern look.
"Yes! Yeah, I'll use that."
"Right, that's everyone satisfied," I said, "And Jack, of course you can take care of your own thing, can't you?"
"Of course, darling."
"Ew, okay, let's go find the others," Holly said.
So we did, and they all had everything we needed. Huzzah!
Barbossa said that we needed to go out into the back garden, and that I should fetch something to light the fire.
What fire?
I ran inside, my green kitten heels clip clopping along the tiles. God, I hate that sound.
I grabbed a box of matches from the mantlepiece in the sitting room, and took about four out. Just in case the first one wouldn't work.
"Ta da!" I said, coming back out into the garden.
"Fine, but what do we need them for?" Will asked.
"Dispense of your items!" Barbossa said, ignoring him.
Everyone just looked at him.
"Throw it all on the ground, you fools!" Orlagh said.
We dispensed, of the items, all of them, even our valuables. Except for Jack.
"Jack you'd want to huzzy up and decide what you're going to dispense of," I said, nudging him.
"Ah, hahahahahahahaha," Barbossa said, laughing like a loony on morphine.
I looked up and saw that we had three Polish boys watching over the wall of my back garden.
"What the hell are you looking at?" I shouted.
They looked at me, stunned.
"Scat, you infernal invertebrates!"
They lowered themselves away from the wall.
"Okay, now on with the show," I said.
Jack glanced at me and at Siobh who was on his other side.
He fumbled with his compass.
"Jack do you want to go home or not?" Irene asked impaitently.
I yanked the compass out of his hand and threw it in our pile of crap.
"Oi!"
"Don't worry," I said in an undertone, "If I know magic like I know magic, then you will get it back."
"Good," Barbossa said, satisfied, "Now, ye all gather in a circle."
We gathered round, me and Holly on either side of Jack.
He looked uncomfortable, and I don't think it was because of the compass.
It was probably the feeling of intense competition that was going on between me and Holly.
Anyway, I got the matches out of my pocket.
"Good, but what are we going to light them with?" Will asked, this time expecting to be answered.
"Oh!" I said, going over to Beckett.
I struck the match behind his ear, and it lit. That just proves that some things on TV do work in real life.
"And voilá!" I said, throwing the match on the pile of crap.
I ran over to my place beside Jack when I saw Barbossa's eyes widen and got a bit scared.
Then he started laughing manically, and yelled, "HOLD ON!!!!"
Then something totally crazy happened.
The whole everywhere round us started to spin and spin fast and it was like we fell into the ground and kept on falling, only fast and painfully.
I found Jack's hand and clutched it like I would never let go.
I screamed shrilly, like all the other girls and Beckett, and then this really weird thing happened -
I felt Jack grab me and pull me into him, only my back was turned so he was holding my waist.
"Now is the opportune moment," he whispered, and turned me around.
Oh God oh God oh goddy God God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He pulled me into this big long, gorgeous kiss, holding me real tight with one hand and running his other hand through my (short enough) hair.
My arms were round his neck and I so did not want him to let go.
Ohhhhh Gaaaawwwd...
It was so bloody fab.
It never came in with any tongue action, though.
We broke apart (crap! crap crap CRAP!), and he just touched my face and then BAM!
I woke up, feeling groggy, the sun blinding me. My bed felt hard, and my ribs were hurting like crazy. I was having bad trouble breathing, for some reason. I sat up in bed, rubbing my eyes.
Then they focused.
My jaw dropped.
Ohmigodohmigodohmigodohmigodohmigodohmigod!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you know where I was sitting? Do you know?
I was sitting in the middle of afternoon Port bloody Royal!
And that wasn't all.
I looked down at myself.
Dear. God.
I was wearing a low cut light blue dress, straight out of the 1700s. On my feet were buckled light blue shoes, with perilously high heels.
I really wanted to find out the cause of my bad breathing, so I looked down the bodice of my dress.
Oh, fab, I was wearing a bloody corset.
I looked around me and thank god there was Orlagh and oh dear god Holly. But where were the others?
Jack? Will? Siobh? Irene? Barbossa? Beckett? Lizzie? Norry? Jack?
I poked Orlagh, knowing that she is a crazily light sleeper and she went, "Whaaat is it?"
Then I had to yank her out of a donkey-and-cart's way.
"Oi! Watch it!" I said in a convincing British accent.
"Oh God," Orlagh said, in an equally convincing accent, "Where the feck are we?"
"Port Royal," I said, "And nice accent."
"What, I'm not- oh, God," Orlagh said, her hand going up to her throat.
"What? What?" I said, my voice not going off British.
"Clara," she said, "I can't speak in anything else but this accent!"
Oh Christ.
Our voices were stuck on British.
Oh no.
We really were in the eighteenth century.
Scary.
Orlagh looked down, inspecting her dress.
It was a light purple, mostly the same design as mine, as were her shoes.
I noticed that my dress also had a hot pink belt, like one I saw in Marie Antoinette.
Orlagh's had a dark blue one.
Joy.
I looked at my hands, seeing that the turqoise nail varnish was still there, but my ring was there too, on my index finger.
Of my right hand.
God.
Orlagh had her ring too and after we finished our further inspections we turned to Holly.
"Clara... Clara," Orlagh said, beginning to laugh, "Holly..."
"What? What about her?"
"She's wearing a BONNET!"
Orlagh was right!
We nearly died laughing.
Afterwards, we woke her up.
"Where are we?"
"Port Royal."
"Coool!"
"Shut up Holly."
"Nice bonnet, by the way," Orlagh said and I nearly died laughing again.
Holly was dressed the exact way that Elizabeth was at the start of Curse of the Black Pearl. The part when she's at Norry's promo.
It looked too funny for words.
We got up off the ground and brushed ourselves off.
"Okay Captain Vel," Orlagh said, "Where do we go now?"
"Well, Yunjin, I'm thinkin' we should find Will first."
"Why Will? I thought you liked Jack."
"Yes, Holly I do," I said, sighing, "But if we go displaying Jack in the middle of Port Royal he's bound to be hanged."
"And there's only one place where Will should be," Orlagh said.
"Blacksmiths!" we said in unison. Except for Holly, who was adjusting her bonnet.
Lovely.
We ran all through Port Royal, trying to find J. Brown's blacksmith's shop.
My feet and ribcage were aching from my too high shoes and too tight corset.
"Where is it?" I moaned, the three of us walking down a lane.
"There," Orlagh said, pointing at the sign.
We ran in the door, and saw J. Brown himself asleep with a half empty bottle of rum in his hand.
"Wiiiiill? Wiiiill? Will!" Orlagh was calling.
I took my moment to sneak over to Mr Brown and snatch his rum.
What? It was for Jack.
Duh.
Anyway, Holly was adjusting her bonnet in a mirror on the wall.
I ran over to it and shoved her aside.
"Hey! I was using that!"
"For bonnet reasons."
"And I suppose you're using it for Jack reasons?"
"Bingo was his nameo."
I saw that my hair was in an updo, which was pretty, but too neat.
I pulled some strands loose, to make it more natural looking.
Then I noticed that Orlagh and Holly and I looked way older in our beyond vintage dresses.
Cool.
"Orlagh," I said, then remembering something vital that I was such a prick not to realise, "Will isn't here."
"Where is he then?"
"On the FD."
"Oh, bollocks, you're right."
We all looked at each other.
"Let's go to the prison," Orlagh said.
"Yeah, I'm all for that," I said, opening the door, still carrying the rum.
I asked some girl working in the bakery where the prison was.
"Down the lane, take a right," she said, eyeing the rum suspiciously.
"It's for a friend," I said breezily.
We hurried down there, Holly holding her bonnet to her head.
I led the party down the stairs and the guard (Carruthers, I presume) stopped us before we could go down there.
"I'm afraid you can't be here, madam," he said to me.
"Excuse me," I said, "but my aunt's nephew twice removed is the dauphin of France, so you will let me pass or I will set his army on your naval arse. And that's madamoiselle, Mr Carruthers."
I pushed past him, Orlagh, Holly and her bonnet following me.
As we walked down by the cells, the prisoners wolf-whistled at us.
I rolled my eyes.
Pervs.
"Oi! Come back for ol' Captain Jack, have you?"
I ran down to his cell and squealed, "Jaaack!"
I hugged him as best I could through the bars.
"Good God, Velma, are you wearing a corset?" he asked.
"Yeah, unfortunately," I said, "Oh, poor Jack. I'm so happy to see you."
"Hey, Jack," Orlagh called, and Holly and her bonnet waved.
Jack nodded to them.
"What are you in here for?" I asked him.
"Running into good ol' Beckett's East India Trading Company, tha's what," Jack replied, "But you're going to get me out, aren't ye?"
"What kind of pirate would I be if I didn't?" I said, "Now, where are they?"
"I think red man has 'em," Jack told me.
Shit.
"Gretchen, fetch us somethin' heavy," I said.
"Awwww, why meee?"
"Just do it!"
"Okkayyy..."
She came back less than a second later with an empty drawer.
"Thanks," I said.
I crept up behind Carruthers, and brought the drawer down on his head.
He collapsed satisfactorily.
I could hear cheers from the other prisoners.
I searched all the pockets in his jacket until I found the keys.
"Aha!" I said, and ran down to Jack's cell.
"Voilá!" Orlagh said, "The sweet escape!"
I unlocked Jack's cell and he grabbed me again, ready for a snog.
Then I remembered the 'always leave them wanting more' training and put a finger to his lips.
"Nah-ah," I whispered, "I ain't that easily claimed, Captain."
"Hmm, seems so," he said, "Is that rum?!"
"Oh, yeah, this is for you," I said, giving him the bottle
"You are an angel."
"I know," I shrugged, "Come on, let's bounce."
The others went out the back door before me, leaving me with all the moaning, disappointed prisoners.
"Sorry, loves, but I only free one pirate at a time!"
We stood round the back of the prison, all four of us.
"So," Orlagh said, "we're basically screwed. Will's on the Dutchman, Beckett's dead, Norry's dead - oh wait, that's good - and... hey, where's Barbossa?"
"Probably with my bloody Pearl," Jack said, swigging his rum.
"We've got to go to our last resort," Orlagh sighed, "And I really don't want to do it either, but it's the only thing left... we have to go to Lizzybeth's house."
"Aw, crap," I said, folding my arms across my chest.
"It's the only way," Orlagh said.
So we set off to the ponciest house in all of Port Royal. We were hoping to God that Lizzybeth wasn't out at sea with Will, because if she was we might as well be dead in the water.
Er, whatever that means.
Anyway, we all trudged up the drive of Elizabeth's massive house, and stopped at the door.
"Right," Orlagh said, "Who's knocking? I know I'm not."
"Me either," Jack said, shaking his head, "The results may be disastrous."
I looked at Holly who shook her bonneted head.
"Fine," I said, "but I want you to know that you're all whelps. The lot of you. And mean. Because this is my worst and best nightmare."
I knocked on the door, to the tune of Gwen Stefani's Hollaback Girl, because that was sure to get anyone's attention.
And it worked.
The doorman person opened the door promptly and said, "May I be of service?"
I lightly shoved Jack in the direction of a bush by the door, indicating that he needed to hide behind it.
"Yes," I said, in my bestest ponce accent, "We are here to see Miss Elizabeth Swann. She's expecting us."
"And might I enquire your names?"
"Velma Mi Marie, Yunjin Kim and...er... Gretchen Wieners," I said.
I was seriously sick. I was spouting Mean Girls.
The doorman fella went out to some fancy room with a lot of flowers in it and a piano, from where soft music was playing.
I heard him say, "There is a Miss Velma Mi Marie, a Miss Yunjin Kim and a Miss Gretchen Vieners to see you, Miss Swann."
He pronounced Holly's fake last name wrong!
Good.
"See them in," I heard Elizabeth say, obviously sitting at the piano.
From where we were, Jack poked his head out the bush.
"What am I supposed to do?" he asked.
"Sneak round the back!" I said, as the other two went in.
I acted on impulse and hugged him.
"Mmm, not long til you cave in, love," Jack said, letting go of me.
"Yeah, right," I said walking into the house.
I turned round and came face to face with the one girl I have loathed since...er, 2003.
"Velma!" Elizabeth exclaimed, hugging me (oh God), "It's so good to see you!"
"You as well, Elizabeth," I said, "You as well."
"Well, come in here to the lounge," she said, leading me into the flowery room where Orlagh and Holly were sitting on a fancy little couch.
"Would you like some tea?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied, suprising myself, "I would love some."
But I hated tea.
What the hell was wrong with me???
Elizabeth called her maid to bring her some tea for us, and then she sat down prettily on one of the fancy blue armchairs.
"Elizabeth," I said, "let me get to my nub, or whatever. What do you remember about this morning?"
Elizabeth looked thoughtful gasp! for a minute.
"Well," she said, "I remember waking up in the street, and then you were all beside me, and then Jack woke up. Then he got spotted by some navy officials, and was carted off to the prison. So I followed, intending to break him out. But I got distracted... so I went home. I figured they'd have Jack well guarded so there would be any point in-"
"What the hell is wrong with you, woman?" Orlagh exclaimed, suddenly, "What kind of pirate are you?! This is Jack Sparrow we're-"
"Don't worry, we got him out," I said, interrupting Orlagh.
She looked annoyed.
"Oh, good," Elizabeth said, as the tea and scones arrived (ooh! la di da), "Wait... weren't there two more of you girls?"
"Yeah," I said, picking up my dainty little cup, "That's the thing. Will's on the Flying Dutchman, obviously, and Beckett and Norrington are gone to a better place... but where are Piper, Filly and Barbossa, is what I need to know."
"Yes, well, maybe you should ask Ja-"
CRASH!
"You know, I think I'll ask him right now," I said, getting up and running toward the direction of the sound.
It turned out that Jack had landed in the pantry, which was good, because no one was in there.
"Jack? You arite?" Orlagh asked.
"Oh, yes, just fabulous," he said, getting up and brushing himself off.
"LIZZIE!" he exclaimed when he saw Elizabeth.
"Hello, Jack," she said.
"We were just talking about the whereabouts of Barbossa and Piper and Filly," I said, "Among other stuff."
"Ah, yes," Jack said, moving over to me and Orlagh. He draped his arms around our shoulders and said, "I'm thinkin' we'd need to commandeer us a ship, eh, loves?"
"Steal a ship?" Elizabeth said from behind us.
"Commandeer," Orlagh and I said, "Commandeer. Nautical term."
"Oh, yes, of course," Elizabeth said.
"Yeah, but," Orlagh said, "won't it be a little bit difficult in these dresses, don'cha think?"
"Mm," I said, looking pointedly at Elizabeth, "We should change."
"Come on upstairs, then," Elizabeth said, beckoning us towards the door.
"Jack, you stay here, right?" I told him.
"Whatever you say, darling," he said.
I rolled my eyes as we walked out the door.
We went up the stairs to Elizabeth's room.
She took a trunk out from under her bed.
"Here are some of my old clothes," she said, "Just do whatever you want with them, I don't care."
We opened the trunk to find some of the ponciest clothes we had ever seen.
Big flowery dresses.
I rooted through it, trying to find something suitable.
And then I found it.
This fabulous, deep blue lacy corset detail dress.
"Oh, I never wore that one," Elizabeth told me, "It seemed a bit... seedy, to me. There's another one in there, a red one I think."
I grabbed the blue dress and the scissors that was lying on Elizabeth's dressing table and cut the skirt of the dress to knee length.
I knew that Lizzie would find it immoral looking, but whatever, who cares what she thinks?
Orlagh used the red dress, and she cut hers to knee length too.
Then Elizabeth produced a trunk of shoes, fabulous poncy shoes!
Orlagh was lucky, she found a pair of heels in the perfect red.
I found a pair of ankle boots in black, with heels too, so that's what I used.
Holly couldn't find anything that she was happy with, so she stuck with her green dress and bonnet.
After we'd dressed in our new attire, Orlagh and I inspected ourselves in the mirror.
We looked fab, in our knee length dresses and thigh high stockings, with our heels to match.
I let my hair down and it curled nicely.
Elizabeth had dressed in the same outfit she had worn in DMC.
So we set off back downstairs to the pantry where Jack was waiting.
"Well," Jack said when he saw me and Orlagh, "Not exactly pirate attire, but I'm happy."
We snuck down to the harbour, Jack scanning it to find a suitable ship to commandeer.
And we found a fabulous abandoned one, called The Diamond Star.
We were on our way.