Chapter Six

It's Like Hell With Coconuts

Nightfall came and the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 had made peace with the pirates. And my mates. And Scarlett and Giselle.

Orlagh was doing her best to attract Sawyer, who she has a MAJOR crush on, may I say.

And she's damn proud of it, too.

Anyway, I was telling Siobh and Irene about Tortuga, what it was really like, and also about me and Jack.

"I mean," I said to them as we sat beside a fire, "I don't want to get too caught up. Which is why I'm playing hard to get."

"Yeah," Siobh said, "Getting too caught up with Captain Jack Sparrow would be awkward. I mean, look at Giselle. She just had a fling with him, and she's a vicious as a... Rottweiler. Toward him, I mean."

"Listen, he obviously likes you," Irene said, "So why are you leading him on?"

"I just said why," I sighed, "I don't want to become one of those girls who have been had by Jack and then just got dropped back into the world like a piece of trash... and I am quoting John Locke, who is seven feet away from me. I am so sick. Sick with... frustration."

"And lurrve," Siobh added.

"Yeah, and lurrve."

"Hi, guys!"

"Oh, no."

Holly flopped down beside us.

"What are ya talking about?" she asked.

"Haemorrhoids," I said.

"What are they?" Holly asked.

"Shut up," I said.

"You're just angry because I'm getting on with Jack."

"Did you say you're getting it on with Jack?" Siobh said incredulously.

"No, I mean I'm being friends with him," Holly explained.

"Oh, thank God," Siobh said, relieved.

"I thought you really liked him," Holly said to me, "Why aren't you being friends with him?"

"Shut up, Holly. It's...complicated."

"How is it complicated? All you have to do is be nice to him."

"Holly! You obviously don't live in the real world! You live in Pretty Pink Marshmallow Nice Land. That is where you live. We live in the real world, and in the real world Jack Sparrow likes it when you play hard to get!" Siobh said, going a little psycho.

"Siobh, you are the bestest cousin I have," I said.

"God, I know."

"Hey, dudes," Orlagh said, sitting down next to Irene.

"Yo, Bob," I said, "Hows it going with Soy-Soy?"

"Don't call me Bob," she said, "And it's going... not great between me and Sawyer."

"Really? Why?" Irene asked.

"I don't think he's interested," Orlagh said sadly, "This is the one time I wish that he didn't like Sun."

"But he doesn't like Sun," Irene said, "He likes Kate."

"Irene," Orlagh said angrily, "That is the worst possible answer you could possibly give to me in a situation like this!"

"Yeah, Irene," Holly said.

"Shut up, Holly," Orlagh said quietly.

All of the crew of the Black Pearl and the Diamond Star had to sleep on the beach, since there weren't enough tents to house us.

Except for Scarlett and Giselle, who had both taken a shine to Desmond (Scarlett) and Charlie (Giselle).

Charlie had said to Giselle, "You know, you look a bit like my sister in law."

And she took it as a compliment.

So they had packed off to their tents.

I had decided to sleep tonight, because I was soooo knackered after the day.

I couldn't help wondering where Will was, though...

Anyway.

Jack and I hadn't talked that much since we got to the island.

So I was upset.

Because it was fun to talk to Jack.

Because Jack is fun.

Enough said.

Anyways, since the pity snog incident, I think Jack was a lot more... what's the word.

Impotent towards me.

No, not impotent.

Impatient.

That'll do.

He was a lot more impatient with me, because I wouldn't give in to him.

Well, I'm sorry if I want to be safe!

Really. The cock.

If I talked to John Locke about this, which I wouldn't, not in a million years, not if he was the second last male on the planet, he would probably tell me to take a leap of faith. To trust Jack not to rip my heart out and feed it to Hannibal Lecter.

And he would be talking utter bollocks, as usual.

Anyway, it always takes me longer to go to sleep than anyone else, so I was lying in the sand, between Siobh and Orlagh and I decided to have a look at the old compass.

Just to really see if I wanted Jack or if I wanted Sayid.

Just for the craic of it.

So the needle swung round, naturally, and swung round again and again, till it pointed to the southeast.

I looked to the southeast.

It was leading me into the jungle.

Oooooh! Freaky-deaky!

I realised that it was so not smart to wander off into the jungle by oneself, but who cares, because I am not smart so I could be excused just in case Jack (Shepherd!) went psycho on me for sneaking of in the mid of the night.

"But Doctor Shepherd, I didn't know any better!"

Ha ha ha, yes, that would work fine.

So, suddenly having heaps of energy, I bounced off into the jungle, following the compass.

"You all everybody! You all everybody! Acting like your stupid people, wearin' expensive clooothes," I sang as I followed the compass.

I looked up.

I'd only been walking for something like ten minutes, and I seemed to be in the heart of the jungle.

"Jack, you had better not be behind me, ready to grab my waist or whatever," I whispered, feeling a bit scared.

I took a few steps backwards, looking down at the compass.

It was pointing north.

Huh.

I thought it didn't point north.

Well, I didn't know anything about compasses, so.

I looked up--

And screamed.

Because (and I don't want to over dramaticise this, now) Jack (SPARROW!) was in the direction of north, alright.

But he was hanging from a tree, dead!

No, wait... was he?

Hadn't this happened before?

To Charlie...

"Velma! Velma!"

I turned around.

Thank God, Jack (SHEPHERD) and Sayid had come to save the day!

"Jack!" I said, pointing to the tree, "Jaack!"

"Oh my God!" Jack said, "Come on, we've gotta cut him down!"

"How?" I asked.

Jack handed me his pocket knife.

"Here," Jack said, "I need you to climb up to him, cut the vines, okay? Can you do that?"

"Yeah. Yeah!" I said, proceeding to the tree.

I climbed up it, my high heels slipping on the wet wood.

I got as near as I could to him, and reached over to cut the vines.

I could barely reach over there, and then I realised something.

I was like Kate! Eww...

And then I remembered what episode of Lost this had been in...

All The Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues!

I so I reached over and grabbed the vines, the knife still in my hand.

Christ, they were heavy, especially with a full grown pirate on the end of them.

Now! Back to Tragedyville!

I sawed manically at the vines, and after ten minutes, I had cut them apart.

"Great, Velma!" Jack called up to me, after catching the other Jack (who is a million billion times hotter than Shepherd), "Now come down."

I climbed down as fast as I could.

I could hear, "Jack! Sayid!" in the distance.

Aw, crappy.

Kate.

She ran up in her little kaftan and combats and said, "What's going on?"

"It's Jack," Jack said, "I think the Others hung him up."

"Like they did Charlie?" Kate asked.

"Yeah," Jack said, "Just like Charlie."

"Well, hurry the hell up!" I yelled, "You don't want him to die, do you?!"

So Jack started to press down on Jack's heart, trying to revive him.

"Come on, Jack, you can do this!" I said.

"I don't need motivation," Jack said.

"I'm not talking to you!"

Sayid and Kate were just sitting there, doing nothing.

I was holding in a personal meltdown by biting my tongue until it bled.

If I had let rip, then there would be screaming, crying and lots of, "Come on, Jack! Please wake up! I love you! I love you! I LOVE YOU! I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you!!!!"

And if things went that way, Jack would wake up and I'd be all tearful like, "Oh, Jack, come here, I love you and I'll never let you go!"

And Jack would be all, "I love you too..."

And then things might go Moulin Rouge and he'd be on the verge of dying and he'd go, "Write our story Velma... you have so much to give..."

Would that be Mary Sue?

Anyway.

Jack was still pressing down on Jack's chest, going, "Come on, Jack, breathe... breathe..."

And I couldn't help but think, He'd better not start calling him 'baby'...

"He's going to be okay," Kate said, putting a hand on my back, "Really. He'll be fine."

I felt like hitting her.

Why?

A) Because she was touching me.

B) Because she was speaking at me. No, not to me. At me.

"Come on Jack, please," I whispered, hugging my knees and biting my lip.

"Breathe Jack... breathe!"

Then suddenly--

Well, you can guess.

Jack gasped, coming to life!

Awwlllright!

He coughed a lot for the first few seconds.

Then I reached over and hugged him.

"Jack, I was worried about you," I said.

"Wait... oh bugger," he said, pulling me out to face him, "Yunjin!"

"What? What about Yunjin?" I asked, confused.

"Yunjin... she's gone!"

"That's not possible," I kept saying as me, Sayid and Jack (Sparrow, dudes) walked back to the beach, "She was sleeping right next to me, I would've noticed!"

"Well, I keep telling you, love," Jack said, for the millionth time, "I saw her out in the middle of the jungle... then the next thing I know, she's being dragged off into the darkness and I'm being hit over the head. And hanged, as it seems."

"And may I ask what you were doing out in the jungle, Jack?" Sayid asked.

"Exploring, naturally," Jack answered, shrugging.

"It's in his nature," I said, "Well, we've got to get her back. Somehow."

"Yes, but things might turn out for the worst..."

"Sayid! Stop being depressing! This is my best friend and first mate we're talking about here!"

"And there's me thinking diamonds were a girl's best friend..." Jack said, looking up into a tree.

God, why was everyone suddenly spouting Moulin Rouge????
"Well, they are, in a manner of speaking," I said irritably, "But not right now!"

We had come back to the beach where Siobh ran up to me.

"Vel!" she said, all panicky, "Yunjin's gone!"

"I know!" I said, all angry, "God, what is it with this place? Why does everyone always go missing???"

"Where are Jack and Kate?" Irene asked.

"Well, I'm here."

"No! She doesn't mean you! They're gone... wait, where are they gone?"

"They are gone to see if the Others have left a trail after them," Sayid finished for me.

"Like when me and Claire were dragged off into the middle of nowhere?" Charlie asked, coming up to us.

It seemed the whole camp knew about this already.

"Yes, like that," Sayid said.

"So this is what you get when you mix PotC, Lost and two over obsessed fangirls," Siobh whispered to me.

"So, you guys have no electricity or whatever?"

"No, Hurley," I sighed, "No we do not."

"And you, like, pillage and stuff?"

"Yes. That's what pirates do."

"Cool. So have you ever been in, like, a pirate battle?"

"No, I have not."

"Have you ever seen one?"

"You know, I think Jack's calling me," I said and got up from where I was sitting with Hurley, by a rock pool.

I walked up to Jack, who was lying in the sand.

"I'd kill for some rum," he said, looking up at me.

"Same here," I said, sitting down next to him.

"All they've got 'ere is bloody wine," he said, "Can't stand wine, me."

"Oh, Jack," I said, then lying down, "What is it with you and getting trapped on weird islands?"

"How do you-"

"Stories, honey, stories," I explained, "Far too many stories."

"Don't your feet hurt?" he asked me.

At first I didn't know what he was talking about.

Then I looked at my feet.

"Yes, they are in total agony," I said, telling the truth. I was so sick of wearing heels.

"Argh!" I continued, "I am so sick of being stuck on this freakish island!"

"It's not as bad as the Locker, though," Jack told me.

"Oh, yeah, I heard about that," I said, half-truthfully.

"At least there's women here," Jack continued.

I hit him playfully.

"You are such a slut," I said.

"Better than a eunuch," he said.

"Jack! Velma!"

We got up.

I brushed the sand of my dress.

It was just Charlie.

"Jack wants you," he told us, "I mean, the other Jack. Not you. He- he's in there."

Charlie pointed us towards a tent were we could see Jack, Kate, Sawyer and Sayid talking.

We walked up to it.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"We're going to go rescue your friend," Jack (SHEPHERD!!!) said, "And you're going to come with us."

"What?" we both said.

"I don't really think that-" I said.

"Really, there's no need for-" Jack said, at the same time.

"Nope," Jack (Shepherd) said, "I don't want any objections. You're coming. That's it. You got yourselves into this mess, and you're gonna get yourselves out of it."

He walked off, indicating for us to follow him.

"Don't sweat it, Mulan," Sawyer said, "You're probably one of the few that ain't psyched to go on a little hike to Dangerville with Doctor Jack. Consider yourself special."

He pushed a gun into my hand and walked off behind Jack.

Kate gave me a small smile and walked off ahead of me.

I hated it that she was so nice to me!

WHYYYY?!

We walked along in the jungle for a bit, and Sayid must've noticed that I was walking awkwardly because of my beyond sore feet.

"You'd want to do something about those shoes," he said.

I stopped dead.

"You're right," I said.

I looked around me and saw a small, shallow pool of water about a metre away from me.

I took my shoes off and threw each one into the pool.

They landed with a satisfactory splash.

"Good riddance," I said, walking on beside Sayid.

"You know, it would've been better to keep 'em on," Jack (Shepherd) said, "Your feet are gonna get cut bad now."

"Jack, have you ever worn high heels before?"

"No, and I don't intend to."

"No, not you, I mean- okay look," I said, stopping again.

They all turned around to look at me.

"From now on, to save confusion, you-"

I pointed at Jack Sparrow.

"-are going to be Jack. And you-"

I pointed to Jack Shepherd.

"-are going to be Shepherd. Clear? Anyways, Shepherd, have you ever worn high heels before?"

"Nope."

"Then you would not understand the unimaginable pain that I was suffering under, m'kay?"

We walked along in silence for a long few minutes.

I was beyond pissed right now.

I was... supremely pissed.

I had stayed quiet for about an hour now.

That never happens to me.

Even during PotC.

Shepherd was talking some crap about heading east or west before the sun went down and Jack said that it would be simpler just to use his compass.

"What compass?" Shepherd had asked.

"This one," Jack said, "It's very unique. It points to the thing you want most in this world."

"Well, then, give it to Velma," Sayid suggested, "It should lead us straight to the Others."

Jack handed me the compass, and I opened it.

Now, I may not have pointed out that I was in a tug-of-war between Jack and Sayid.

This probably because I wasn't.

Nevertheless, the compass' arrow kept swinging from Jack to Sayid and back and forth again!

So friggin' annoying.

"It's not working, Jack," I said, shaking it.

Jack nodded wisely.

"Ah," he said, "Then you don't know what you want."

I handed it back to him, and he opened it.

He stared at it for a second, then pressed his lips together.

"Not working for me, neither," he said, "Anyone else want a go?"

Sawyer took it.

"It's pointin' back to the beach," he said.

"Typico," I said, "You want Su- er, some... beer. Give it to Shepherd."

"Er, I don't think that's right," he said, going slightly pink.

I knew it was pointing to Kate!

"Me neither," Kate said, when she took it.

"Come on, Omar," Sawyer said, "You're our only hope."

He took it from Kate, and opened it.

He immediately started to walk in the direction of the southeast, and we all followed him eagerly.

The directions kept changing, yet Sayid kept walking.

And we kept following.

It was about fifteen minutes later, and Sayid had led us all the way into the jungle, right too--

The Black Rock.

Jack set eyes on it and gasped.

"That's some mighty fine boat- ship," he said, looking up at it curiously.

"Sayid," I said, walking up to him, "Give it to Sawyer."

"Why? He want's to go back to the-"

"Trust me. Give it to Sawyer."

He handed it to Sawyer, who opened it and lead us into the Black Rock.

It was pitch dark in there, but luckily Shepherd had brought along a flashlight.

I was about to say, "Oh, phew, a flashlight!"

But then I remembered that I wasn't supposed to know what they were.

And under no circumstances would I say the word 'phew' out loud.

Anyways.

I found myself fascinated by the Rock (believe me, under normal circumstances I would be like, yeah whatever) and I was just staring at it in silence for a small while.

Then I felt someone grab my arm.

I was about to scream when I saw that it was just Sayid.

"This way," he said. Ohh, melllttt.

How nice was he?

But, and not to make this sound cheesy, but I saw Jack just look behind him with a little scowl on his face when he saw that Sayid was holding my arm.

God, that better not sound cheesy.

Really.

It had better not.

"Here!" I heard Sawyer call eventually.

Awwlllriiight!!!!

I caught up to him and saw that the flashlight was shining down on a pale, unconcious Orlagh.

Shepherd was bending down to check her pulse (she is going to puke at me saying that).

"She okay?" I asked, nervous.

"Yeah, she's fine," he answered, "Someone's gotta haul her outta here."

"I vote Sawyer!" I said.

"Same," Jack said.

"Me too," Kate agreed. Shut up.

"Fine," Sawyer said, picking her up.

It was a good thing she was unconcious, because she would've died with joy at the sight of that anyways.

We made our way out of the Black Rock and back to the beach.

It was after nightfall when we arrived.

"Jack," I said, as we sat down by the campfire, "I got you to thank for this, sweetie. Without that compass of yours we would've never found her."

"Just happy to oblige, love," he said.

I smiled at him, and crossed my legs, bringing myself closer to him.

Hmmmm... I thought, Is now the right time to melt off? Is it? Christ I better have not picked the wrong time. If I did I will strangle myself with my own stocking. I swear-

Oh for Christ's sake, just get on with the show, girl! It won't hurt you, it won't hurt him... For God's sake, he's probably inwardly gagging for it!

So I kissed him.

Nope, not snogged him.

But kissed him.

Hard.

But not too hard.

But not perfect, neither.

Of course, he contributed to it.

We broke apart, right, and he goes, "So... you've finally given in?"

And I said, "I suppose so."

"Right, good... coz I was sick of waiting round for you," he said.

He pulled me in (Christ I love it when he does that) and swept my hair behind my ear and was THIS CLOSE to snogging me again when---

CRASH!

CRASH!

CRASH!

We looked up, wide eyed, to the jungle.

Oh, that bloody smoke monster ruins EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!

"Oh, my God!"

"What it it again?"

"I hope nobody was in there!"

Then Shepherd ran out from his tent, followed by Orlagh who was pale and wrapped in a blanket.

"What the bloody 'ell was that?" Jack asked me.

"Ohh, I don't know!" I moaned.

All the survivors (and the crews of the BP and DS) gathered around Shepherd who was probably about to give one of his legendary 'Live Together, Die Alone' speeches.

So Jack and I decided to join them.

"Jack! Jack! What are we gonna do?" they were all shouting.

"I'll tell ya what we're gonna do," Shepherd said, "We're gonna go out to this jungle and we are gonna settle it with these Others once and for all. Sawyer, we're gonna need guns, and plenty of 'em. Sayid, Jack, Kate, Jin, you with the beard-"

"BAARBOSSA!"

"-yeah, Barbossa, Charlie and Velma, you're comin'-"

"NO!"

Everyone turned to look at me.

Good, coz I was PISSED and I wanted some freakin' ATTENTION!

"Wha- what?" Shepherd said incredulously, "No?"

"Yeah, that's right!" I shouted, standing up on one of the logs by the fire, "No! No, absolutely not!"

"Why?"

"Oh, you wanna know why? Then Imma tell you why, Doctor Shepherd! I am sick and tired of all these tragedies all over this freakin' island! First, we get here. Tragedy! Then, Jack gets hanged out in the middle of the jungle! Tragedy! And THEN Yunjin goes missing! Trage-freakin'-dy! I hate it here! It's so depressing! And all these bloody ADVENTURES! CHRIST! Maybe if you left well enough ALONE them Others wouldn't be bothering you so friggin' much! God!

And, by the way, who the HELL made you leader, huh? YOU ARE A FREAKIN' DOCTOR!!!!!!!! Yeah, you can save everyone, but that don't make you the boss of everyone!

So, NO, I am not coming on your little adventure trek, because I am going to go away and think of a way to get myself HOME!"

I stomped away, angry as hell.

Then I turned around.

"And nobody DARE follow me! I HATE THIS PLACE!!!! IT'S LIKE HELL WITH COCONUTS! ARRRGGGG!!!!!!!!!"