Chapter Seven

Cold Romance, Sea Urchin and Embarassing PMS-Type Incidents

Jack went on the bloody adventure.

I was angry at him for it, actually, because what I was hoping was that after my bitch fit he would come and comfort me and... shit.

So, I was sitting on the beach, hugging my knees, as I do, and who comes to sit beside me but--

"Go away, Holly."

"Well, so-ree!" she said, all dramatically, "I just wanted to come to see if you were alright."

"Well, I am bloody peachy, thanks very mucho."

"You know, for a cousin, you are very mean to me."

I looked up at her. She looked all sad.

"Well, there's a reason for that."

"What's that?"

"Holly, you are someday gonna have to face facts," I said, looking up at her, "You happen to be a terribly annoying little shit brat of a girl that I can hardly stand sometimes."

"What about the times you can stand me?"

"Did I say sometimes? I meant all the time."

"Why, though?"

"You are always a horrible to me too... if I don't laugh at your shit little jokes you get all thick."

"Do not!"

"Do. Just, do me a favour and piss off, okay???"

And she just stomped off like she does all the time.

Brat.

Really.

So I sat there for another while, and it really was getting quite cold, and even though my dress had long sleeves I was bloody freezing.

And then an angel came to answer my prayer.

"Here, thought you might need this."

"Thanks, Charlie," I said, taking the blanket he was holding out to me.

He took this as an invitation to sit down beside me.

"You know," he said, "most people back at camp think you're a little bit coo-coo after your outburst."

"Good."

"Not me, though," he went on, "You said everything I've ever wanted to say back there."

"Really?" I said disbelievingly.

"Oh, yeah, definitely," Charlie told me.

"Oh, well... it just didn't occur to me that that was what was going on inside your head."

"What did you think was going on inside my head?"

"I don't know... musicy stuff, I guess?"

"Musicy stuff, yeah... and how to get off this bloody rock."

"Mm-hm? Any ideas?"

"No, no brilliant ones, not yet. We already built a raft, you know?"

"Did you?"

"Yeah, but it... got... exploded."

"Huh."

Of course I knew this already, but I had to pretend I didn't.

Wait... why was he talking to me?

"So, how's the pirate life?" Charlie asked me.

"I wouldn't really know," I said truthfully, "Haven't lived all that much of it."

"What do you mean?"

"To be quite honest with you, I'm a city girl at heart," I said, "Grew up in London. Moved to Jamaica when I was... eight. Only taste I got of the pirate life, really, was when I inheirited my father's ship. He was French. I never met him."

How did I make all that up?

"Ah, tough life," Charlie said, "I'm from Manchester, meself."

"Really? I've got...cousins in Manchester."

"Don't suppose I know them," Charlie said, "Us being from different centuries and all."

"Yeah, I suppose," I said, "Hey, do you have the time?"

"Er, yeah," he said and checked his watch, "It's...quarter to one."

"I wish they'd come back," I said, wrapping my blanky tighter around me.

"Oh, you mean the pirate guy," Charlie said, nodding, "You like him, yeah?"

"Heh, yeah," I said, smiling to myself.

I looked at him and started laughing softly (I have no idea myself, actually).

"What?"

"I don't know... side effects of a bitch fit, I suppose."

"Here," he said, getting up, "I'll walk you back to camp."

"Thanks."

We walked only about ten metres until we had reached the camp. Most people were asleep by now.

"Thanks, Charlie," I said, "'Night."

"Welcome. See you tomorrow."

I walked over to the tent that Orlagh was in and went inside.

"Hiya," she said, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Don't know... you just seem a bit bleugh."

"I don't know. I'm worried about Jack and all."

"Oh. So are things with you and him in full swing yet?"

"Yep."

"How?"

"I decided to... take a leap of faith."

"You sound like Locke."

"I know. Hey, you should be sleeping. You just got attacked by the Others."

"Ah, no, I'm fine."

"Orlagh..."

"Yeah?"

I took a deep breath.

"Do you remember anything?"

Orlagh shook her head.

"Nothing?"

"Nope. Blank."

"Sure?"

"Yeah."

"D'you remember what happened before you got taken?"

"You sound like Sayid... and, yeah, sort of. I saw Jack going off into the jungle by himself, so I decided to follow him, and I did and then he stopped by Sun's garden, and I was grabbed from behind. They put one of those hoods over my head."

"And did you take note of the weave?"

"Yeah... it was just like the one they put on Kate."

"Okay... will I sleep here tonight? Til Doctor Giggles gets back anyway?"

"Are you sure the other girls won't mind?"

"Oh, yeah... d'you know what, actually, they could sleep in here too!"

"Yeah, go get them."

I ran out to where Siobh, Irene and Holly were sleeping by the campfire's embers.

"Guys, guys!"

"Whaa?"

"Come on, we're all going to sleep in Orlagh's tent."

We woke up groggy in the morning.

Okay, well I did. And Orlagh did.

Mostly because we stayed up half the night talking.

But the upside of my groggy awakening was that Sayid woke me up from my groggy sleep.

"Jack would like to see Yunjin," he told me.

"Oh, great."

"Are you alright, Velma?" he asked, "You look tired. Pale. Maybe you should talk to-"

"I am fine, and under no circumstances am I getting treatment for not getting enough sleep in the past week from Spinalman."

"Fine," he said, "Would you like some brekfast?"

"Yeah... where's Jack? Sparrow, I mean?"

"Over there," Sayid sighed and pointed to the rockpools.

I walked over to him. He was sitting by himself, staring into space.

This was probably something that he did not do a lot.

"Hey, Jack," I said, sitting down beside him.

"Hello, love," he said, smiling.

Christ, he was fine.

"How did the thing with the Others go?" I asked.

"Complications arose, so the good doctor abandoned the situation," Jack replied, "Think your little speech might've got through to him."

"Interesting," I said.

"You look pale," he said.

"Why is everyone saying that?" I asked.

"Because it's true," Jack said.

Oh, Christ, he's looking into your eyes! Stop staring back like a blind badger. Blink, woman!

I blinked.

He looked away.

"Do you want something to eat?" I asked him.

"No, love, I'm fine."

"Jack... are you okay? You seem so distant," I said.

So he snogged me. Hmm.

"I'm fine," he said.

God, he was sounding like Drew from Elizabethtown.

Stop copying each other, you maniac pirates.

I went off to eat something, and just got an apple and an orange from the makeshift kitchen.

"Is everything alright with Jack?" Sayid asked, coming up behind me, "He seems... distant."

"That's what I said," I said, "but he insists he's fine. Sayid, did something happen last night?"

"There was a... nothing."

"Sayid," I said, coaxingly, "Whenever you say 'There was a... nothing' always, always means that there was a something."

"It was Jack," he said, "Your Jack. He froze up last night."

"He wha'?"

"Froze up," Sayid explained, "Went pale, silent, nervous. He was totally non-responsive. Jumped at every sound."

I nodded, not really understanding.

How could that happen to a person?

Especially Captain Jack Sparrow.

I inhaled deeply.

Poor Jack.

"And... do you know why?" I asked.

"No. Do you?"

I shook my head.

But I think I kind of knew.

The rest of the day was quite dull.

I talked to the other girls, but the only one that asked about Jack was Siobh, so I told her.

"So, he just, like, went blank?" she asked after I told her what Sayid had said.

"Yeah! I'm so worried about him..."

"Well, you shouldn't be sitting here worrying about him! Go talk to him," she said, "For a nod is as good as a wink to a blind badger."

"What?"

"I don't even know."

So I went over to where Jack was sitting on the beach.

I sat down beside him, and smiled at him.

"Captain Sparrow, your eyes have lost their sparkly thing they used to have," I said the first thing that came into my head that was even halfway sane.

"What?"

"Er... never mind," I said, "Listen, Sayid told me what happened."

"What happened?"

"Last night," I said, "When you went on the trek with them. You kind of... froze up."

"Oh, bugger," he said, wincing, "How did I know he'd tell you that?"

"He didn't really tell telll me," I said, "I kind of... forced it out of him."

"You what?"

"He said that there was a nothing and you know very well that when someone says that there was a nothing that there always was a something, so naturally I interrogated him to see what the nothing slash something was!"

"Oh, right."

"Jack, you've not been yourself since you were... you know. Strung up. And-"

"-your worried about me," Jack said, "You were worried then too."

"Of course I was!"

"Why?" he asked me.

"What- what do you mean why?"

"Why were and are you so worried?" he asked, "We hardly know each other. So, you being worried about me is not very logical, love, for you don't know what I'm capable of, making it impossible for you to worry about me because you wouldn't know what to worry about, for you don't know what would put me in danger or what wouldn't, would you?"

I looked at him blankly.

"Ha?"

I didn't follow that at all.

"You have no reason to be worried," Jack said, as a final remark.

But I was desperate to... get through to him or something.

"Jack, it's just-"

"HOLY FUCK!!!!"

Our heads turned in to the direction of the screams.

"SHITE! SHITE SHITE SHITE SHITE SHITE!!!!!!!"

It was Siobh!

We ran over to her. She was sitting on the sand, holding her foot.

"Fuuuuuck!" she yelled.

"Gwen, what the hell is it?"

"Owwwww!"

"Yes, very informative answer!" Jack said.

"Urchin! Urchin!"

I looked to my left and jumped back.

Jin (the eigit Korean fella), was waving a sea urchin in my face.

"Urchin urchin!"

"She got stung by a sea urchin," I said to Jack, "Go get Jack!"

He looked blank.

"SHEPHERD!"

"Oh!"

Orlagh ran up to us with all the screams.

"What happened?"

"I GOT STUNG BY A BLEEDIN' SEA URCHIN!"

"Oh, God," Orlagh said, "Someone has to pee on her foot."

"WHAT?" Siobh and I chorused.

"Pee! Someone has to pee on Gwen's foot!"

"NO! NO NO! NO NO NO NO NO! MY FOOT IS NOT A URINAL!"

"What happened here?" Shepherd said, running up at that moment.

"SEA URCHIN!" Siobh screamed.

"Doesn't someone have to pee on it? Her foot?" Orlagh asked him.

"No, I can treat her," Shepherd said.

"Of course you can," Jack said, rolling his eyes.

They carted Siobh off to Shepherd's medically tent to be treated.

"JUST DON'T PISS ON IT!"

I was having the most awkward, worstest, bestest time of my life on that bleedin' island.

The awkward being made up of the facts that;

a) Jack was being a total ice cube. And not in that flirty kind of way.

b) Sayid is there. Being nice to me.

c) Everyone else besides my girlies think I am a psycho madness raving loony bin.

d) Except for Kate, who is being nice to me, which I hate.

The worstest being made up of the facts that;

a) Jack was being a bollocks.

b) Sayid was being an almost nearly minx.

c)The psycho raving madness thing again.

d) Siobh and Orlagh both had near death incidents.

e) Will was nowhere to be seen and Irene wouldn't SHUT THE HELL UP about him.

f) Holly wouldn't stop talking to me.

g) That place had the crappest toilet facilities.

h) The Kate thing again.

The bestest being made up of;

a) I was on official snog-a-rooney terms with Jack.

So, really, I was having the shitest time of it.

"I am so sick and bleedin' tired of this rock," Siobh said, speaking for us all.

"I like it here," Orlagh said (yeah, except for her, the Lost junkie), flicking her hair.

"I hate it here too," Irene said.

"Yeah! There's sand in my hair all the time," Holly pitched in.

"Pipe down, Mrs. Fussy Knickers," I said, sighing, "I am in serious emotional denial. I think."

"Jack still on ice cube bonanza duty?" Siobh asked.

"What?" the other three chorused.

"Tell them, please," I said, lying back on the sand, "I'm sick and tired of revisiting that horrible, horrible place."

So Siobh explained everything.

The all shared their opinions.

"You shouldn't have become Mystery Woman in the first place," Irene said.

"Be nice to him," Holly advised.

"You should've just shagged him when I told you to," Orlagh sighed.

I slapped both my hands over my face, biting my lip.

"Are you okay?" Orlagh asked.

"Mmmmmffff."

"She's in severe emotional denial," Siobh confirmed.

"Fank you," I said, all muffly.

"Do you want us to go talk to him?" Holly asked.

"No!" I said, unbiting my lip and taking my hands away from my face, "Especially not you, Fussy Knickers."

"Do you want us to go kick his ass for you, then?" Orlagh suggested.

"A lovely gesture, but no."

I was so bloody fatiguededized.

I felt faint, I looked pale, I wanted to sleep the whole day away.

And the whole Jack situation was making it worse, because I was still stressing out on what to do.

Okay, you must be screaming for me to do something about it, but I really didn't know.

I was only fourteen, for Christ's sake, and I wasn't exactly a friggin' expert on getting hot pirates to open up to me, thank you very much.

Anyway, after about two hours wasted on stressing about this, I realised that I was a prick not to already realise that there was only one man on this damned island who could help me.

"Sayid!"

I can't believe you're doing this, my brain told me as I walked up to Sayid, who was fixing something electrical and complicated, as per usual, I cannot believe your're doing this! This is stupider than all the stupidest things you've done. How dare you go ask your third biggest crush in the world for advice on getting through to your first biggest crush. How. Very. Dare you.

"You're good at interrogating people, aren't you?" I asked him.

"Velma, you don't look well. Go see the doctor."

"I have bigger issues than my fatigueness! Now answer my goddamn question!"

"The answer to your question is yes, Velma. Though I don't understand why you asked it."

"That's total bull, because you know very well why I asked it. It's because of Jack. My- our Jack, I mean. He's gone all Mr Freeze towards me."

"Really?"

He sounded less than uninterested.

"Yeah, and I was wondering if you could help me in talking to him."

"Who're you talking about?" Charlie asked, coming up at that moment.

"Jack," Sayid told him.

"Oh, lawks a mercy," I sighed.

"What's up with him?" Charlie asked.

"He's not talking to her," Sayid explained, "Not talking to her, and also paying no attention to her, which she hates."

"Shut the fuck up, Sayid," I said.

"Have you tried talking to him about what happened in the jungle?"

"She has, but he's not opening up about that, either."

"I don't like you any more."

"Have you tried getting him drunk?"

"No, but she'll take it into consideration."

"Since when did you become my bloody personal assisant?" I asked Sayid.

"I have advice for you," Sayid said to me, "Approach him gently. Talk with him about the normal things you usually talk about. Don't force it out of him, coax it out of him."

"Okay. Thanks," I said, suprised.

"Now," Sayid said, getting up, "I would advise you to go see the doctor."

So I went to see Shepherd.

He shone a miniture torchlight in my eye, and shoved something inside my mouth, the usual doctor stuff.

Downpoint was I didn't get a lollipop.

Feck it, anyway.

"You need to sleep," he said to me, "You need a decent, good night's rest and some nourishment. I noticed you haven't been eating for the past few days, why's that?"

"I wasn't hungry," I replied simply.

"Well, you need to eat something, or else you're gonna faint," Shepherd advised me, "And take these pills with you. Put 'em in some juice."

"Oh, God, don't tell me these are sleeping pills!" I winced.

I never, ever wanted to take sleeping pills after what happened to Marilyn Monroe and that girl off Fairly Shitty (aka Fair City, a crap Irish soap that everyone watches anyway).

But now, I was being forced to.

"Yeah, they are, but you only need to take two," Shepherd said, "Now... go eat something, okay?"

I walked out of his tent, and over to the makeshift kitchen.

It was nearly sundown, and some people were setting up their campfires.

I saw Sawyer teaching Orlagh how to set up hers.

Aw, how bloody bleeding sweet.

I grabbed a bowl, some milk and the oatmeal and set about eating.

This is really weird because I cannot stand oatmeal under normal circumstances.

But I ate it like I hadn't eaten for days, which was true.

Anyway.

"...and I miss your ginger hair and the way you like to dress... why don't you come on over, stop makin' a fool outta meeeee, why don'cha come on over VAAAALLERIE!!!!"

Siobh came limpety limping up to me as I was eating my oatmeal, singing The Zuton's Valerie at the top of her lungs.

"'Ello!" she said, sitting down next to me at the table, "Why in the name of Mojo Jojojo Joe's undies are you eating oatmeal?"

"Really, really hungry," I said.

"Right," she said, "Talk to J to the A to the C to the K to the Sex God yet?"

"Nope," I said, finishing up my oatmeal, "But I was just prescribed sleeping pills by Doctor Ponce de Poncey Man."

"Nien!"

"Ja!"

"Cool," Siobh said, "Don't you go overdosing now, missy."

"Why in the God would I do that?"

"No idea, midget," she replied, "Have you been talking to Elizabeth lately?"

"Nope. Not since... ages, anyway. Why?"

"She's going psycho-mondo. She wants to see Will, and pronto."

"Well, then, why doesn't she... you know, call him or something."

"I don't know, the crazy ponce. Bam, bam, bam, never be looonnely, never be lonely... B-b-b-baby, I think I'm goin' c-c-c-crazy...and all that jazz."

"You are truly mad."

"Jesus I know."

"Anyway, do you like anyone on the here?"

"On the here? On the here? What kind of English do you speak, girl?"

"You are avoiding my question and that means you like John Locke."

"That is balls of merde and you know very well that it is."

"Then who do you like?"

"Charlie, but he's taken by that Australian thing with the baby and the vaccine."

We sat in silence for a while, both of us just looking around at the other people.

"Ahahaha, that was good craic," Siobh said.

"T'was sure t'was."

"T'was."

"T'was."

"T'was, now."

We both sighed, both us cuzzies, bonding together over our fecked up love lives.

Oh, to be a floaty thing, floating around waiting for a decent boyfriend.

Oh, to be, to be.

Okay, that was a fairly crap attempt at trying to make this ridiculous tale in any way poetic.

Back to the story, chucks!

Then, as me and Siobhy Bo Biv were sighing away to ourselves, earning some odd looks, someone comes up behind me!

Let it shine, oh let it shine!!! Let it shine oh, let it shine!

"You free right now, love?" Jack (ohgodgodgodgodgoddd!) asked me.

"Er, yeah!" I said, glancing at Siobh in the way that us girlies glance at each other to ask the other one telepathically if they have oatmeal on their face.

Siobh nodded, giving me the all clear. No oatmeal. Good.

She also gave me a nod and a wink that obviously said, "Someone's finally come around! Let us groove in celebration!"

I bet when I left she had a little groove party to herself.

Good for her.

Anyway, so I left with Jack (yay), him leading the way through a bit of the jungle.

"Where are we going?" I asked him.

"That, darling, is a suprise," he said.

Christ, he had cheered up.

We walked for about ten minutes more, and at the risk of this sounding terribly cheesy and wrong--

Jack lead me out onto a beach, not our beach, with a huge campfire on it.

I smiled at it (yes, I do need help).

I smiled at him.

He said, "I have been waiting for the opportune moment to talk, and right now is it."

"Yeah, okay."

I remember the beach as where Shannon (who is deceased) and Sayid shared their first kiss.

!!!ohmyGod!!!

Did Sayid tell him about the beach?

Sayid?

Yeah, okay, he probably did.

So?

That means he wants me to be with Jack.

YAY!

I mean, whatever.

We sat down beside the fire, at Jack looked right into my eyes.

I thought he was going to snog me, but instead he said, "Love, do you know what it feels like when your whole life just ends?"

"Er...," I said, "No."

"Didn't think so," Jack replied, nodding, "Well, everything just vanishes before your very eyes...everything you've worked so hard for...just gone. Taken by the one thing you've been trying to cheat your whole life... death takes everything away from you..."

Jack was just staring into the fire.

I felt sorry for him.

He was referring to the whole Kraken deal.

"...I don't want to go back there again," he said, looking at me now.

Oh God, I couldn't breath.

Why was he being all... intimate? I was not used to this! Help!

"I...can understand that," I said, "But..."

Say something wise!

Something wise, woman!

Wise!

"...it's not..living forever. It's-"

"-living with yourself forever?" Jack finished for me, "Of course. I can manage."

I laughed.

"So, the thing in the jungle... the freezing up thing... that was... It sort of took you back, didn't it?" I said, "I understand that, alright. Tell me something, Jack. Have you ever been this close to losing someone you really cared about?"

"No..."

"Well, I have. Twice. When you were strung up and... Listen. I felt like I was losing you when you got cold on me. You seemed so far away- it's- oh, God, how am I supposed to say this? Jack. I care about you. A lot. Even though this is not the most serious relationship in the world. I mean, I want you to be safe. And... and-"

The most embarassing thing ever was happening to me.

Oh, God...oh God...Don't even go there, girl...I swear to God!

My eyes were all welling up with the waterworks.

I am serious.

I was on the verge of a very dramatic crying/kissing scene, which I probably would have looked back on the next day and gotten sick over it.

But the thing here was...

WHY THE FUCK WAS I CRYING?

WHY?

EXPLAIN THAT TO ME???

Three words.

Pre-Menstrual Syndrome.

God. Help. Us. All.

Anyway, Jack was all Jackish about it.

He snogged me.

He did.

AwwwlllRIIGHT!

That makes five snogs, right?

Right?

Yes!

Anywho.

He was all holding me and stuff... and tongues were involved in the situation...

And then--

Then--

I went and shat up the entire situation.

"Jack," I said, "Jack, I have to tell you something..."

"Mmm?" he said.

"I...am...so not a proper pirate."

"What?"

"I am not a proper pirate."

"What are you talking about, love?"

"I am talking about the actual fact that I must be the crappest pirate ever. Ever. Really."

"How's that?"

"Alright. I will tell you the sad, sad, sad truth..."

I decided to feed him the crap I told Charlie the other night after my bitch fit.

"...so I moved to Jamaica when I was eight and all of a sudden, when I hit seventeen, I get this great ship from my Dad, who I'd never met. So I decided to make use of the thing, to go out for a bit of adventure. And so I earned myself a piratic title. And a mad-as-hens crew."

"And how does this make you not a pirate, darling? Hm?"

"Well! B-because for one, I cannot swordfight and for two, I do not have a clue about ships."

Jack looked a bit shocked.

"But, d'you want to know something?" I said to him, "Isn't it really odd that Elizabeth, being a demure lady of society and all that shite, knows just everything about ships? Isn't that odd? Where in the world did she learn it?"

"That girl spent her whole childhood reading books, so no wonder," Jack replied.

"Yeah. Right. Okay," I said, sighing.

"Never mind not being a pirate, love," Jack told me, putting an arm around me(eee!), "I find that the women pirates are terribly arrogant and deluded and also very terminally annoying."

I hugged him.

"I am vair vair and vair and also very trés lucky to be in your prescence, Captain Jack Sparrow," I said.

"Thank you for admitting that."