Chapter Eight
In the End, You Will Obviously Always and Most Definitely Be Saved... By the Mad
"We are Dreamgirls, boys, we'll make you happy...We are Dreamgirls, boys, we'll always caaaare...We are Dreamgirls, Dreamgirls will never leave you...And all you've got to do is dream, baby we'll be there!" I sang as I happily skipped up the beach.
I earned some very strange looks, but I did not care because I was BEYOND happy dappy potatoes!
Happy dappy potatoes SUPREME!
YEAH!
Anyway, I had better explain...
Jack and I talked for not far off ages after that about total shite like Will and Elizabeth and how terminally sad they are.
After that, I said to Jack, "I have an idea. How about this; you can be my totally unofficial boyfriend?"
"And what's in it for me?"
"You are not tied down with a commitment. At all. And also it comes with a 24 hour snog pass."
"Really?"
"Yes. Really. Really."
"I am tempted to accept that..."
And so was born the most unofficial couple there ever was!
HUZZAH!
So Jack went back to the way he was before I 'gave in', you know, all flirty fandango.
HUZZAH, again there!
So anyway, as I got all my weird weird looks as I skipped up the beach singing like a joyful... nodding car dog, Siobh and Orlagh and Holly and Irene were up the beach, waving.
I waved back at them, changing my song.
This is a very signature song between me and my mates.
"I've got the same jeans on for four days now, I'm gonna go to a disco in the middle of the town, everybody's dressing up, I'm dressing down... do do do do do do do!"
And so forth!
"It was totally and completely sublimely brilliant, dudettes," I said after I had explained in great great detail my sublimely fab evening night thing with Jack. We were sitting in a little group on the beach.
"It sounds fabby bananas," Siobh sighed, "You are so very lucky, pal."
"I know."
"So you two aren't broken up?" Holly asked, sounding disappointed.
"Holly! Were you listening to a word I was saying? Hm? Were you? No. You were not. Because if you were, you would have grasped the fact that Jack and I were never going out. Because you do not go out with a pirate. You snog them within an inch of their life, is what you do."
She got all huffy.
But Orlagh, bestest pal and well reknowned Lostie, said, "Hear, hear! Weigh anchor, Captain's on deck, knickers to the lot of ya... and all that jazz!"
She is the bestest pal I could have. Hurrah hurrah for her!
Anyways, things seemed to have improved on both the Siobh/Charlie and the Orlagh/Sawyer front.
Orlagh and Sawyer had snogged a record of eight times the last night.
And Siobh and Charlie were on very strict flirt-only terms, but hey, it was a start!
So we sat on the beach, discussing our dream love lives that had actually come true!
It's amazing really, because you hope for something like this to happen virtually what seems like your whole life and then it happens and what do you do but gossip about it.
"Hi, girls!"
And then a big Keira Knightley comes up and ruins everything.
"Lizzybeth!" I said sarcastically, hopping up, "How is you, my matey?"
"Good," she said, sitting down beside Siobh, who grooved a little bit away from her, "Wow, I haven't spoken to you in ages."
"And I was hoping to keep it that way," I said under my breath.
"What was that?"
"Have you tried the Dharma Initiative risotto? It's simply sublime," I said.
We sat in silence for a while, me making a little hand-made sandcastle.
"Elizabeth," I asked her suddenly, "How is it you know so much pirate stuff, you being a lady of the sauce and all?"
"Well," she said, playing with her hair, "I read a lot of books when I was a child..."
"Yeah, I thought so," I said, getting up, "Would anyone like a pear, for I am heading to the pear department."
"I would like a pear from the pear department, please," Orlagh said.
Funny, she doesn't like pears.
Anyway, I set off to the pear department and was sorting out the bad pears from the good ones (I am very particular when it comes to my pears)when I heard someone shout, "What's that?"
What's what?
I saw a load of people pointing out toward the horizon.
I looked out towards it and dropped the pears.
"Boat!" I heard Sun, the Korean chick, shout.
What, is that like her catchphrase?
But all the same it was true...
There was not a boat, but a ship approaching the island!
Ohmigodohmigodohmigod!!!!!!
Jack came up behind me and said, "It seems young William has finally come to his senses and decided to rescue us and his lass, eh?"
It was deffo the Flying Dutchyoke come to save us all.
But I noticed something- someone standing atop one of the sails.
As the FD got closer, I saw that it was a girl, about my age, in proper pirate attire.
She was standing all Jack-like, like in when he came onto our screens for the first time, atop the sail of the Jolly Mon.
Why did I have this insane feeling I recognised her?
"Ohgoddygod!" Siobh squealed, running up to me, "We are all saved by Will! I knew he'd come through! I knew it in my heart and hat!"
But she didn't wear a hatl... oh well.
I watched totally wordless as everyone had a psycho attack around me.
They put down the anchor pretty close to the shore, and I could see Will waving from where he had climbed up on the mast.
"HI, WILL! WASSUP!" Siobh screamed like the pint-sized maniac she is.
Will's elderly mad crew came onto the island, including his daddio.
I must've looked all mad not to be acting mad as hen at that moment where we were all getting rescued.
I was just looking for that girl!
My head spun round and round like that wan from that movie as I looked for her.
Then - ta da - I found her!
We caught each other's eyes.
I kind of froze like a life-sized Mr Freeze.
She walked over to me.
"Hey," she said in her Dutch accent, "I'm Frederique. I'll be your rescuer this evening."
"Of COURSE you are!" I exclaimed, beaming, "OF COURSE YOU ARE! HOW in the name of RUM did I not guess that? HOW? Ahahahahaha!"
She looked kind of puzzled.
Ahahaha, wait til she found out who I was.
"Free, heggo, my name is Clara," I said, "Also known as SparrowAngelMusicBaby!!!!!"
Free beamed really widely.
"Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!" she laughed (it was a bit alarming, actually), "Ahahaha! Of COURSE YOU ARE! OHMYGOD! My e-pal! My mad leprachaun e-pal! HAHAHA!!!"
We hugged.
"But, here, listen," I said to her, "I have THE MADDEST story to tell you! Or maybe Will already told you, I don't know. But listen, whatever you do, do not call me Clara. Call me Velma, okay? It's a long and mad story."
Then I realised something very mad.
My voice--
It was all... Irish again.
"But- hold on," I said to Free, "Listen. I want you to meet someone... and you will positively die when you meet him."
I took Free by the hand and lead her over to our very own coveted Captain Jack Sparrow.
"Yeah, Jack? This is Frederique," I said in my British accent, "Free- yeah, you know who he is. Our very own Captain Jack Sparrow!!!!"
Free and I exchanged a very mad looking grin.
"Captain Jack Sparrow, what a pleasure to meet you at last," Free said, keeping her cool.
This was such a better first impression than I had given.
Really, you cannot have ever been more embarassing-looking than I was, in my nightdress and sick-looking face mask.
Orlagh approached us as Jack was openly flirting with Free.
"Heggo!" she said, smiling, "Who's this?"
"Orlagh, this is Frederique," I said, "You know Frederique. And Free, this is the legendary Orlagh."
"Orlagh, it is soooo beyond bloody brilliant to meet you, love!" Free said, smiling.
"Yeah, it's really cool to meet you to, I heard a lot about you!"
"Orlagh," I said the way I do when I am about to go onto a delicate subject, "Have you... said goodbye to Sawyer yet?"
Orlagh looked all sad and shuffly.
"Nooope."
"Aw, don't worry, my pally. He'll be fine."
"Actually," Jack said, injecting himself into the conversation, "Are we ever going to leave this little spit of land, hm?"
Later, on the Dutchman, I was talking to Free.
"How did you get here?" I asked her.
"Well, here's what happened," she replied, "And this is probably the maddest story. Beyond mad, actually. So, it was raining like billio, and I decided to email you. You know, the way that we do. So. I typed up something like, Hi Clara, any news, none here, Jack ROCKS! and so forth, and I sent it... Then, after about something like 45 seconds later, I got an email back and I was thinking, "Cor, she's quick at typing." So I opened it and it said, Clara cannot be reached at this time... but click on this link and you might be able to reach her then, right? And I naturally clicked it, because it was a little picture of Jack and Will, so naturally I would click it, considering. And then the WEIRDEST thing ever happened... I got sucked into the computer screen! I swear! And I was like Wotsit in Wonderland... Alice. I was falling and falling and falling until CRASH! I woke up on, and get this, the Flying Dutchman! Amazing, right? Yeah! So I was like, "Where am I?" And Will was all like, "Are you alright?" and I said, "Ohgodohgodohgodohgoddygod!" And the crew got me a blanket, and weirdly enough, they're all nice enough blokes for mad pirates. And I said to Will, "Where are we going?" And then he explained that he ended up in some house in the twenty first century and he got sucked back here again and that he needed to go save Elizabeth."
I was there nodding along like a nodding dog.
"So, anyway, to conclude," Free said, "I went all piraticized with the clothes and stuff and it was so bloody brilliant, and then we came to save you and here we are."
"That is truly, truly madness," I said.
"Yeah, but not as mad as yours!" Free said to me, "Velma Mi Marie! Where ever did you come up with it?"
"First name in me head," I said in my British accent.
"And the whole snogging Jack fandango? That was so very amazing sounding!" she said, "I. Am. Sooo jealous of you, mate!"
"I am also very jealous of myself," I said, "I have no idea how I managed it without turning into a giggling wreck. I really don't."
"You forgot to tell me something," Free said, "What's Elizabeth like in real life?"
"Elizabeth Swann. Elizabeth Swann. Elizabeth Swann is probably the most poncey, arrogant and quite terminally deluded person there was to ever walk the earth..." I said, "Before Holly, that is."
"Hi, guys!"
Speak of the devil.
"Holly, this is Free," I said unenthusiastically, "Free- Holly."
"Holly!" Free exclaimed, "You are to me a bucket full of whelk and frozen mackerel that I have been thrown into forcefully!"
"Okaay," Holly said, shaking Free's outstretched hand.
"That-makes-no-sense-at-all!" I said, laughing.
"It does, actually, when you think about it," Free said, all Wise Woman of the Forest.
Anyway, Holly was all not knowing anything, which is typico for her species, which is the very stupid and... thick.
I looked around and spotted Orlagh and Siobh and Orlagh was quietly sobbing.
I decided to go over to her, because that is what best pallies do.
"What's wrong?" I said to her, putting my arm around her.
"Why in the name of arse did they think it was better to STAY on the sodding island?" Orlagh choked out.
Oh, did I forget to mention that?
Shepherd, being all leaderish, said that it was better for them (the twentie-firstie survivors) to stay on the island than go on the FD with us.
He started talking some shite about how it was better because if he went with us they'd all just end up in the eighteenth century.
Obviously, Orlagh was beyond upset about leaving Sawyer behind.
"Why- why didn't he just come with us?" Orlagh kept saying between sobs. Poor poppet.
"Look," Free said, being wise again, "Leaving him there was the best thing, Orlagh. Because you know what he's like."
Orlagh just looked at her.
"Just imagine him surrounded by sheep," Free said.
Which made no sense at all.
"Yeah, he was a total... thing," Siobh said, "You're so much better off without him."
"No I'm not!"
"You are too," I said, "Because you are a pirate and he was not, and he will always long for you. But you however can go ahead and... do Will!"
Orlagh looked up.
"Yeah, Will would be much more... you know. Fun and stuff," Free said, "Come on, love. Will has a ship and what does Sawyer have? I'll tell ya what. Nada."
Orlagh nodded.
"Yeah," she said, wiping her eyes, "I'll give Sawyer a break. I'll try Will. Yeah."
"What about Will?" Jack asked, walking up just then.
"Yunjin's decided to forget about Sawyer," I said.
"Temporarily!"
"Temporarily," I continued, "She's going to give Will a go."
"That," Jack said, "is a totally pointless quest, loves. Will is totally besotted with that other wench. Nothing could seperate them."
"For someone as gorgeous and smart as yourself," Free said to him, "you truly do not know how to reassure someone, Jack."
"That is only true in some circles," Jack replied, "But that is just totally hopeless. Really."
"I hate Elizabeth so much," Orlagh said.
We all nodded in agreement.
The night came and we were sailing out in the middle of the South Pacific, still.
I wasn't sure if we were in twenty first century time or eighteenth century time.
I was sitting alone, looking out at the auld sea.
I was reminiscing on our whole journey.
Then I realised how bloody bleeding typico it was.
PotC people come to my house.
Yeah.
Jack likes me.
Yeah..
We go back to his time.
Yeah...
We go to Tortuga, and get a two rooms.
Mmm...
I snog him spontaneously, not giving in or wha'.
Hm.
Then we hit the maelstrom, landing on this beautiful island.
Right.
After a night or two or whatever I give in to him.
Yeah, okay.
After that, he gets cold on me.
Okay.
Then, he brings me to a fabby beach night thing.
Riiight.
We make up, and snog.
Eh.
I decide he can be my unofficial boyfriend.
Oh.
We get rescued by his (not really) best mate.
Oh, God.
Oh, GOD!
I'm not a Mary Sue, am I?
Oh, no. Ohh, nooo!
Ohhh noooooo!
Well, from what Angel Star told me about them, they look all perfect.
I certainly don't.
I mean, my hair is nice, but I am definitely not the most skinniest person you will ever meet.
I'm not even skinny.
I am nearly at slim.
Nearly being a million miles off.
I am not the fittest nor the most athletic, either.
I am a lazy eclair, I am.
Angel also said that they were delicate.
Er, if you call being a madness laughing mad cow who speaks like she is clinically insane delicate, then that's down.
Angel said that they may be the captain of a ship and be skilled with a gun/sword.
Really.
I, here meaning Velma, am a captain.
But I know nada about ships, guns or swords.
I have never shot a gun.
I have never used a sword.
Except for a plastic one, and I am terribly unskilled with that.
Anyway, Velma Mi Marie has my body, but not my mind. She's not delicate.
She's a bit on the thick side.
Knows nothing about ships.
So I'm not a Mary Sue.
Good.
Anyway, back to my nub.
My story was so typico because Jack always gets the bleeding heroine, don't he? Don't he?
"'Ello love!"
It was Free.
"Heggo, matey," I said to her, "Free?"
"Yeah?"
"You know how I told you how we got here?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you think it's typico?"
"No. It's absolutely madness."
"You know yer wan, who I made up, Velma?"
"Yeees?"
"Think she's typico?"
"Noooo... she is also a bit on the insane side."
"Thank God!"
"Spoke to Jack lately?"
"No... haven't seen him for a while..."
"Oh, he's so fabby..."
"I know..."
"Can't believe you kissed him... what was it like?"
"I can't even describe it. It was so bloody bleeding good."
"Mmmm, he's so yum."
"True that."
"Yo ho, yo ho... pirate's life for me... bad eggs...and all that jazz," Free said.
We sat just looking out at the sparkly sea for a bit.
"Where are we going, anyhow?" I asked.
"To the horizon, or something," Free said.
"Riight."
"Won't it be awfully weird, though, when we go back to our time?" she said.
"It will be so weird," I said, "I am going to miss him so much. So, so much. You should go talk to him, Free. He'll like you."
"He will, of course," Free said, "What's not to like?"
I laughed, although now filled with total sadinosity.
Free went off to talk to him about maybe everything.
I was so so sad. I didn't know when we were ever going to go back.
But if and when we did, I was going to positively die of missing Jack...
Aw, he was so lovely...
But the other thing is, if we did stay here, there would be serious fighting over him.
This would mainly be between me and Free.
Oh, I was so crap-filled. So, so crap-filled.
Help.
I felt all meek or weak or whatever and shit.
"It's good, isn't it grand.. isn't it great, isn't it swell, isn't it fun, isn't it...nowadays. There's men everywhere, jazz everywhere, booze everywhere, life everywhere, joy everywhere...nowadays..."
"Captain Vel, you are turning into Roxie Hart," Siobh said, sitting down beside me, "Singing for no apparent reason. Where did Free go?"
"Went to talk to Jack and stuff."
"It's weird how we're all Irish again, isn't it? I liked the idea of being British."
"Hmmm."
"I don't want to go back home... well, I do, weirdly, but in another weird sense I don't. Do you?"
"No."
"Ahhh, you want to stay with your beloved Sex God, don'cha?"
"Spot on, Bivver."
"He'll do fine when you're gone. And plus, it seems you and Free would kill each other over him, and no one wants that."
"This is so beyond crap. I have wanted this to happen since 2003 and now it's over. It's over, Siobh. What are we supposed to do?"
"Er. Go to bed?" Siobh suggested.
"Yes. Yes, I vote for that. Deal with it in the morning."
We knew where we'd sleep, down with the crew.
Yes, grotty but at least it was somewhere to sleep.
Five of us (Orlagh, me, Siobh, Irene, Holly)piled down there, but Free was nowhere to be seen.
She had better not be doing Jack somewhere.
No, she probably wasn't.
I woke up in the middle of the night because Jack was virtually killing me by poking me.
"Jack," I grumbled sleepily, "if you do not stop that, I will not hesitate to kill you."
"Well, turn around, then, love!" he said.
So I rolled over to face him in my hammock. It was quite snuggly in there.
"Can I help you?" I said.
And he snogged me.
Mmmmm! (Soz, Free.)
"Good night, love," he said.
"Is that all you wanted me for?" I said.
"Well, yes," he said.
"Oh, okay."
He walked off, and then right after, Free walked up to my hammock.
"How nice was that, hm?" she asked.
"Lovely!" I said.
"I kissed him earlier, d'you mind?" she said.
That was really cool. She just asked me straight up.
And I couldn't be mad at her, because I know well that she is just a big Jack fan as me.
We are like equal.
So I said, "Of course I don't mind. Well. No. I don't. I told you he was my unofficial thing so, no I don't care, it's fine."
"You do so care," Free said.
"Okay, I give, I care a little," I said, "Night night."
"Don't let the... monkey bite!"
"Yes. I will accept that."
And so Free and I went to sleep, dreaming of Jack... and banana boats...