Time: March 2178
Location: Territories of the Systems Alliance
This story is a little change of pace from our usual fare but one we felt deserved special mention. Our subject, still very much alive, probably wishes they were dead. The firestorm this person set off would prove to be the cherry on top of an already tumultuous year for humanity.
A hard to stomach cherry.
Invitrotek Industries was one of the Systems Alliance's leading manufacturers of vat-grown products. For centuries humans had contended with a split within their ranks. Whether for health reasons or out of kindness to other life forms, some felt that a species of great intellect should not have to continue the act of consuming animal flesh, especially when plants could supply all needed proteins, vitamins and nutrients. Only a small percentage of humanity availed itself to passable meat substitutes made from plant matter while the rest were content to nosh on the real thing.
When human scientists finally perfected cloning technology, vat-grown meats appeared on the market offering guilt-free sustenance as well as consideration for one's well-being. Animals no longer needed to be raised en masse under questionable conditions. Now just a few select specimens were kept and allowed to live out full natural lives, receiving the best food and care, supplying only blood and tissue samples. A few "vintage meat" lines were even established for more discerning epicures. The strictest quality control was assured; all samples and vat runs were guaranteed free of defects, disease and contaminants.
It was up to our subject, a lab technician, to guarantee their particular line of cloned Omaha beef. Analyses were showing that runs were decreasing in quality but still within acceptable parameters. The line was nearing the end of its viability; time to culture a fresh batch. New cell samples were shipped in from the pasture and were taken in for a thorough screening. The technician worked quickly to get them cleared for replication and to avoid further degradation of the line. After several tense hours the new batch was secure and growing inside the vats. Our technician heaved a huge sigh of relief, removing the protective suit and gloves…
To discover a finger with a tiny, blood-stained hole.
The pinprick had long since clotted but our tech had a biiiig problem: not only was the job at stake, to shut down the line now would disrupt supply and would take days, if not hours, to determine the level of contamination, impacting revenue the Omaha line brought in.
So our little technician… just… kept quiet…
The next few weeks saw an increase in the line's popularity. New orders were coming in from restaurants, schools and supermarket chains. Fortunately the new samples were cloned in time to meet the demand as product was nearly flying off the shelves. An already popular food line was hitting a new stride and talks were underway to begin selling the beef to other levo-protein species. But a student and her instructor in a quality control training class within Invitrotek derailed the gravy train, stumbling upon the meat's secret ingredient:
Twenty parts per hundred of the classroom sample tested positive for human tissue.
Reaction was widespread and wide-ranging. Many people were outraged and disgusted that they and their children actually enjoyed eating human flesh derivative. Some suicides were attributed to word of the contamination. Others thought little to nothing of the news. A few even ignored the recall altogether and finished their stocks; after all, it was hardly the first time foreign material turned up in the food supply. And what the people didn't know wouldn't kill them.
Other vat-grown food providers were quick to assure customers that their own products were not so afflicted and could never be, doubling up on inspections throughout their lines. Invitrotek's own bottom line was severely impacted as a result of boycotts on its other, unaffected products and protests by Alliance citizens. One particularly distasteful method of protest involved eating and then vomiting up the tainted meat on the doorstep of the corporate headquarters. The death blow to Invitrotek Industries was dealt when Martin Strenowic, founder of the Maya Pizza restaurant chain and majority stockholder of Biomeals, bought out the troubled company following a disastrous plunge in stock prices and a class action lawsuit.
The technician responsible for it all disappeared into obscurity, guaranteed anonymity and a stipend to maintain silence about the entire affair in an out-of-court settlement. To this day his or her identity is still unknown. He or she enjoys life as a private citizen and may have even found employment at your neighborhood market or eatery. And who knows? This person may even be hosting a barbecue you'll be attending tomorrow.
It'll probably be the best burgers and hot dogs you've ever had. And you could say the chef may have even put a little bit of themselves into every bite…
Bon Appetit!
Dishonorable Mention: Mystery Meathead
Author's Note & Thoughts:
Sometimes 1,000 Ways to Die showed victims narrowly escaping a deadly situation, appearing later on camera to tell their story. This particular story was inspired by the recent announcement that scientists had created a burger patty entirely from cow tissue culture, the donor animal still very much alive. The scientists claimed that the taste of this patty "wasn't too horrifying." When I first heard the news I immediately thought of Joker's dead cow burger quote from Mass Effect 2. Then I thought a little more on how this new process could go astray…