A/N: ...urk. DX Apparently, it's been quite a while. With the reviewers I used to have, I wonder how many left. XD Well, a mere "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it...but I can only hope the chapter is...adequate, to say the least. And, no, I didn't die. XD I kind of lost inspiration, but somehow, I regained it. I still plan to take this story head on, no matter what. (Trying not to sound like a pushover for the following xD...) Please read and review! Reviews are like cookies, and I'm sure any author would agree. I'm completely open to critique, for that is what makes an author actually attempt to fix a mistake if deemed necessary. I really want to hear what you guys think and it would be nice to hear from everyone who read this story. Sorry if this chapter might be kind of short...I had no beta this time either. With the reviewers I have left, and the new ones that I hope are to come, without further ado, here is the third chapter of Tainted Black.
Disclaimer: Nope. Rurouni Kenshin does not belong to me. But for now...I have the characters hostage for the purposes of this story and they WILL do what I please...
Tainted Black
Chapter Three
You
Thick sweet smelling wisps of smoke was released into the crisp air, its fragrant aroma pleasantly surrounding the area. Trembling, small hands placed the incense in the holder that was to the side of the pool of water. It was simplistic in style, but Kaoru was sure that her father would have liked it that way.
The haka itself was small in size, but there was still room for the flowers, incense, and water. The family name was carved into the smooth stone monument in elegant, distinct kanji. Next to the monument were daisies and chrysanthemums that Kaoru had bought from the local 'flower boy' in town.
Clear, crystalline water had been poured into the small groove in front of the monument and on each side were holders for incense. Nothing but silence was present as Kaoru struggled to verbalize the words in her heart.
"Hello...father" Her voice was pitiful and broken, no longer carrying the voice that spoke of youth.
The voice was tired and sounded old, a voice that no one would have thought belonged to a fifteen year-old.
Her hair had been done in a hasty ponytail, strands in complete disarray in some parts. Sapphire blue eyes were misted with tears that had not yet decided to fall.
Her expression of sadness gazed fixatedly at the haka, wishing that the letter that announced her father's death, was merely a horrid nightmare. Alas, it was not a nightmare, and most certainly not a dream. It was reality. Whoever said that "reality can come crashing down on you", the person failed to mention how fast and how hard it could hit you. Kaoru knew first hand, that reality was cruel. Reality can ruin hopes, dreams, and a future.
For Kaoru, it ruined all of the above.
"Father...I wanted to let you know, that I no longer practice the ways of the sword." She paused for a moment to hold back a choked sob as she repeated the words once more.
"I came to the conclusion after some serious thinking...and you know that I am not one to take back my words once they are spoken. I will only use my sword when need be. I hope you know that you are the cause of that." Kaoru looked bitterly at the haka, almost tempted to spit at it.
"I hope you know that everything that happened is your fault. Mother doesn't act the same anymore and its all because of you. You ruined all my chances for happiness. You ruined my love for the sword. You ruined...everything." A loud cry escaped from Kaoru as she pounded the ground with her clenched fists.
"You ruined everything. Everything. You ruined my hopes...my dreams...you were supposed to be there for me. You were supposed to teach me more. You were supposed to always, always, always watch over me." Kaoru yelled out, looking up at the hazy blue sky. Tears streaked down her cheeks as she hastily tried to wipe them away in vain.
"Why did you take him away from me? Oh kami, why did you take away my father? You above all people, should know how much he meant to me...How precious he was to me...So why...why did you do it ?" Kaoru looked down in pain as her frame shook with uncontrollable sobs.
"Who is supposed to be there when I'm in trouble? Who is going to care enough for me to want to look after me? Who is going to want to stand by me, no matter what my faults may be? Who, in this crazy messed up world, is going to be able to love me?"
Looking up at the grave, she said in a scornful tone, " I know for sure, that I don't want to live the same life you did. I no longer want to follow in your footsteps. I have lost all of my previous desire to." Determined eyes blinked back any tears that were sure to come once more.
"I no longer know what I should do. You said to fight for the weak, but how can I, knowing that you went off to war? You, knowingly went to war, where I am sure you killed many out of your own free will. Did peace really mean that much to you...that it meant you had to kill innocent people to obtain it? You told me war was wrong...and yet you accepted the proposal. You told me to save people with my sword, and yet, here you are...killing people with you blade..."
A hoarse, tired laugh escaped from her lips as a gentle smile spread across her features. "You killed people...I know it, deep inside my heart. I no longer have any reason to fight with my sword. I know this much without having you to consult. A swordsman whom has no...reason, or cause, to hold a sword...will most certainly be manipulated in the future. I have no desire to be manipulated, as you probably know all too well."
"I do not wish for someone to impose why they think I should use a sword." She said as her quiet sobs had subsided, eyes filled with the little life it had left turning to steel.
"Even you father, no matter how kind you were to me, cannot tell me to use a sword to save people. When the time comes that I must use a sword, it will be for my purposes, and my purposes alone. If it means that I must slay the innocent, then so be it. If it means that I must protect people who do not deserve to be protected, then so be it."
Kaoru stood up and shivered slightly, finally noticing how cold it was that winter morning.
Brushing the dirt off her white kimono, her shoulders shrugged soundlessly as she realized her white garment had been stained with blotches of dirt. Stained enough to be deemed irreparable. Almost like how she felt her soul was now. Simple, irreparable.
Looking once more at the haka, Kaoru gave a curt bow, the resolve in her voice unfaltering as she stated determinedly, "No one, not even you, father, can govern the way I think and live my life." She knew she was rambling now, but who else was she to turn to? Certainly not her mother.
"From this point on, I will live without regrets and abandon all you have taught me. I will find my own reason for living and do as I please. Although you have ruined me...I will not, definitely not, lose my sole reason for living on, and that is to find my own reasons, my own truth, my own...everything. I refuse to become a shell with no emotion...and I will live up to my reasons for living. I will not go back on my word. I do not wish to become like you or mother. I simply wish...to be myself."
Slowly walking away, her heart seemed to twist painfully. It was the first anniversary of her father's death...and she had been quite rude. Kaoru could almost imagine her father's spirit looking down at her in distaste. She had most definitely disgraced herself this morning. Its not as if she didn't love her father, she did, very much so.
'The only way I can keep on living, is if I forget what my father had told me...He was my truth...him letting me down, is proof that I can't hold fast to his memory any longer, lest I be brought down sooner.' Kaoru thought to herself sadly, wondering what other trials she must face. With her father gone, was there really any hope?
Shaking her head sadly, Kaoru whistled a song to herself as she walked down the old, beaten path that she had come from.
'I wish...to start my life anew.'
As if it had been watching the spectacle, a turtledove chirped sadly from above the tree branch it was perched in, piercing the newly awakened silence that had appeared upon Kaoru's leave.
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Kaoru saw her mother sitting on the front porch as she neared the house and gave an indignant snort. She sighed tiredly as she observed her mother staring listlessly at a tree.
The large barren sakura tree where her father had proposed to her. The barren sakura tree where vows of undying love had been declared and sealed.
After what had happened at the haka, Kaoru had little will power to be able to deal with her mother. Not now.
Stepping into her line of vision, Kaoru gave a simple nod of acknowledgement as she attempted to brush past her mother.
Her attempt failed however when a bony hand reached out to her own.
Kaoru froze in place and trembled slightly, her voice shaking, "Yes, mother?"
"Sit."
The quiet reply was commanding and...spooky.
"As you wish...mother..." Sitting as far away from her as possible, but still within distance of hearing and speaking, Kaoru slowly turned to look at her mother.
No words could possibly describe how she was feeling. Her mother had given up all hope in everything and it showed as plain as day with just a look. A mere passer-by would be able to tell that something was wrong.
She had not taken well to the death of her father. She normally spent her days rotting away in her room, doing nothing but sulk.
With a small smile playing at her lips, Kaoru knew that her mother probably thought of nothing but ending her life. Only the weak at heart would think of doing such things, and with her mother acting the way she was, she wouldn't be surprised if it actually happened.
Isn't one supposed to try to overcome their most difficult ordeals and move on with life? Life is only in one's grasp for a fraction of a second. By the next second, you painfully realize that it has slipped by, taking all hopes of having happiness with it.
Yuko Kamiya had given up all desire to live after the death of her husband, the fact being completely undeniable.
The house had become a filthy mess due to the lack of cleaning. Dust had gathered on lonely furniture, bugs had found homes in small nooks and crannies, and the plates had piled up into a mountain almost as tall as Mt.Fuji.
Soon her mother began ordering her to clean the house and do all the chores. Kaoru was surprised her mother was even able to eat the food that was cooked since she cooked absolutely horrible. At least, that was what every single person who had tried her cooking had said.
Her mother, at this moment, looked the same. Her eyes were empty and dark, no light seemed to shine, no happiness.
Simply cold, dark, emptiness.
Her hair was tangled and disgustingly oily and dirty, salty sweat and tears had marred her skin. Kaoru was certain that the last time she bathed was the week before today, her father's death day, since that was the last time she recalled bathing her.
Her mother could barely do anything by herself anymore. Amazing, how one year could change a person.
"Kaoru, I only wish to say this once, and I hope to have your full understanding of the situation. You are a full grown girl and should accept what I am about to tell you with pride."
Snapping out of her reminiscence, Kaoru glared at her mother as she heard the words "full grown girl".
"I am merely a child, mother. I do not feel as if I am the adult you are clearly implying I am"
A cold stare was sent her way, a stare that made her cringe. Despite the fact that Kaoru completely despised and utterly loathed the person whom her mother had become, did not change the fact that she was...a bit afraid of her.
Who would not be afraid, of talking to a living, breathing, talking...skeleton?
"Do not speak back to me, Kaoru. Unless you wish to-"
"I will not speak back to you again mother, I swear upon the grave that I am sure to have when I grow older...just, please, don't." Kaoru cut in flawlessly, but hurriedly.
She knew all too well the consequences if she did not listen to her mother nowadays.
A cruel smile stretched across her mothers features as she gave a knowing glance at her daughter.
"In that case, I would like to tell you something that may come as a shock."
Kaoru bore her eyes into her mother's, wishing for just this once, that she could read her soul. By doing so, maybe she could understand why her mother was the way she was.
Isn't love supposed to be a wonderful feeling? Is it not supposed to lift you to the heavens and back while floating on a gentle breeze of wind or even a soft puff of cloud?
However, is love really supposed to hurt someone so much? So much, that it drives them to the brink of insanity?
These were questions that filled Kaoru's mind every waking moment, along with many others.
Just then, her mother spoke seven words that changed Kaoru's life forever. Seven words that made her insecure world, shatter into a million pieces.
Seven words that rang as loud and clear as the peal of church bells, but were not able to be processed in Kaoru's mind.
Her mouth was agape, and the only coherent word that left her mouth was, "What?"
Kaoru shivered as she realized her mother seemed to be content with the news.
The love of her life was gone, why not ruin someone else's was the clear reading that she received. The smile that was on her mother's face was chilling to the bone.
She really was, in all honesty, a skeleton.
"You are to have an arranged marriage."
"Mother...I don't understand...when was this decided? And to who am I to be married to?"
"This was decided quite some time ago...I don't even remember anymore. Despite that, you are to be married to Himura Kenshin."
A sick grin flitted across her mother's features once more as she answered the question, taking full pleasure in seeing the distress play on her daughter's features.
Kaoru paled drastically as she heard the name "Himura Kenshin".
"Kenshin-kun...he is one of my most treasured friends, and I don't love him! So with that being said...why must I be his...wife?" Kaoru practically spat everything out in collected anger.
"It matters not if you love him."
Kaoru stood up from her sitting position, fists clenching at her sides, her anger evident from the look in her eyes to her entire being.
"It matters not if I love him...then, pray tell, why were you so fortunate to marry out of love? Why did you marry father out of your desire? Marriage is supposed to be out of love, not arranged!"
Yuko's eyes narrowed into slits at her child's bold declaration. "You know nothing of love. You are not in any position to speak of it as if you know everything about it. You are to love Himura Kenshin, that is your destiny. For, you see, your destiny has already been decided, whether you like it or not."
Trying to calm herself, Kaoru sat back down, attempting to try and speak rationally with her mother.
"I most certainly do not love Kenshin-kun. Although I have not experienced what it is like to be in love, I know that the place in my heart that is for Kenshin-kun...is not love. It can't be love. It simply cannot be." She said, trying to convince her mother that she felt nothing for the crimson haired boy that she had known since...forever.
"Then you will learn to love him. This will be a great opportunity nonetheless. Besides, wouldn't you love to be a princess? A spoiled little bratty princess that gets whatever she wants and when she wants?" Yuko looked at her daughter spitefully as if she was resentful of her soon-to-be place in royalty.
"I do not wish to be a princess, mother. I already felt like one when father was alive..." Kaoru said in hushed tones, for a moment, forgetting she was angry at him.
Hearing this, Yuko rose in anger, the smile completely erased from her mouth.
"What did you just say...?"
Eyes widening in fear, Kaoru then realized the dire mistake she had made.
"I did not mean any harm, mother, I promise. It was simply a slip of the tongue, honest."
The moon was the only source of illumination that displayed her fear, Kaoru felt like a little girl all over again. A cold, hard sweat was beginning to appear above her brow as she whimpered softly to herself.
Then the blow came and left as quickly as it had come.
Kaoru felt herself being knocked down and could swear that there were stars dancing about.
Raising a hand up to her cheek, her heartbeat quickened as she felt a sticky wet substance on her skin. Fingertips slowly glided down her cheek as the liquid collected at the tips, slowly trickling down to her arm. Kaoru's eyes, finally adjusting to the light of the moon, widened in horror as she identified the substance as blood.
"You always thought you were better than me. You always thought that you would succeed in taking him away from me. Souta was mine and always will be. There is nothing that you could ever hope to do about it. You are a sick child...always competing against me...You were fighting a losing battle from the start!"
Kaoru look at her mother in a terrifying new light. Her own mother...was jealous of her? Although her mother had raised a hand at her numerous times in the past year, she never hit hard enough to draw that much blood. Never.
"Kaoru, you are a sick, sick child. Sick. You are a disgrace to the whole Kamiya family. You have disgraced all of our ancestors."
"I know that mother...I know..." She said, eyes dimming slightly.
"Sit back up. I still have once last thing to discuss with you."
Slowly picking herself up, Kaoru sat once more as she looked straight ahead. She did not wish to look at her mother any longer.
"I am sure you want to know the real reason as to why you are to have an arranged marriage. Actually, I'm quite certain you are absolutely dying to know why."
Kaoru said nothing, and let the cold silence be her answer.
Taking that as a yes, Yuko continued on, "Well, the reason is because you are getting married for peace."
Kaoru's eyes widened as the pieces finally started coming together.
"So I...was nothing more than a tool...There has been no talk of a peace treaty...because I am it."
As the realization dawned on her, Kaoru felt like throwing up.
This was worse than she could have possibly imagined. There was no way to get out of this.
She was going to be wed to one of her best friends, even though she harbored no love for him whatsoever. There were no escape routes this time, and even Kaoru's analytical mind could get her out of this.
There were no hidden back doors, for this was it.
"Although I do not wish to...I will marry Himura Kenshin for the peace of our two warring kingdoms." She said it quietly, almost inaudibly, almost not believing the surreal situation.
Kaoru twitched when she felt an embrace encircle her from behind.
Her senses shouldn't have been that muddled as not to recognize that her mother had stood up to embrace her from behind.
"There, there Kaoru...All will be well. I'm sure you will learn to love him. Besides, there was no other answer for you to give anyways...you had to say yes, and you know it."
Kaoru shivered as she felt a kiss placed on her forehead, and just as the ghostly presence of her mother appeared behind her, it quickly left, most assuredly returning to the inside of the house.
Kaoru let out the breath she had unknowingly been holding and clutched her stomach tightly.
She...had been used.
She was now to be married to Kenshin and the whole weight of this marriage finally crashed down on her.
She was now the hope of the people...for she was the peace treaty that would end the war.
Kaoru's eyes widened and she suddenly felt very nauseous. Choking back on a sob, this time she threw up.