Chapter Three:
(Content warning for this chapter: Young readers beware… Mara remembers details of the assault: also, attempted suicide.)
Mara's second waking experience was less dramatic, and she managed to keep her outbursts to herself. She spotted the source of the quiet beeping: Luke's astromech droid. The R2 unit was currently in stand-by mode, for which Mara was grateful. The last thing she wanted right now was him bothering her.
Mara sighed quietly and got out of the warm bed. She crept noiselessly out of the bedroom and closed the door behind her, trying not to arouse the droid. Mara felt her stomach rumble, and she went to the kitchen to look for a snack.
She found the makings for a sandwich, and started to put it together, grateful for the distraction. But even with the simple monotony of making a meal, Mara found it hard to keep her depression at bay.
Worthless. That's what I am now. Mara thought bitterly. I officially have nothing left.
She took a deep breath, feeling the sour thoughts smother her like a wet blanket. She bumped her hip against the counter and hissed when her aching body protested. Mara maintained a safe distance after that, determined not to catch her injuries again.
Mara tried to open her swollen eye, but when it remained closed, she slammed the knife down forcefully. Brief pain lanced through her hand as the sharp blade slit her palm.
Mara glanced dispassionately at the blood. Reflexively closing her hand, she turned away from her half-prepared sandwich, and went to the sitting area. She didn't see the chair until her toe slammed into the base of it.
Mara ground her teeth in frustration, and when she stumbled, her already weakened frame gave way, and she found herself on the floor.
She lay there, quivering, as memories flooded her.
He wasn't gentle by any means as he rocked, impassively working himself up to his own pleasure, ignoring her as she begged for mercy.
Mara felt an ache deep in her abdomen as her body reacted to that thought.
Hands grabbed her bra, ripping forcefully at the delicate fabric that was her last remaining shield from his all-seeing eyes. His gaze went alight with lust when her body was finally completely revealed to him. Stiff fingers had their way, eliciting a soreness she hadn't known possible.
Her chest throbbed painfully, and her breathing became ragged.
As he neared completion, he bent over and hungrily pecked at her skin, leaving angry bites and welts.
Mara jerked upright and blindly backed into a table; it tumbled over, creating a loud crash. Upon hearing R2-D2's alarmed whistle, Mara used the Force to lock the bedroom door.
She wept, alone, in the sitting area, and rocked back and forth, hugging her knees. Mara quieted after a moment, and her mind stilled briefly before her thoughts once more wandered.
What did she have left? What was she going to do now? Was it possible to move on from this kind of thing?
Everything I have is someone else's… my last tiny shred of humanity was wiped away, just like that.
Mara stared without seeing at the cityscape beyond the balcony doors.
When she had been the Emperor's hand, she'd been important. She'd had a purpose. It may have been a lie, but she had at least been blissfully unaware of that at the time. And she had been protected by Palpatine in a way. She'd been invisible, and he'd gone to great lengths to keep her real name a secret. Mara had been a mere shadow, safe in her anonymity.
Now… now she was well-known in many ways, most of them having to do with her anger issues and often blatant mistrust. Few saw her as the competent Master Trader and business woman. People saw what they wanted to see.
Mara glanced down and saw the knife lying nearby.
I don't remember bringing it with me…
Mara stared at it, a new train of thought trickling into the forefront of her mind.
She was worthless now, a piece of garbage tossed away after its purpose had been fulfilled. She had nothing to live for, and there was no way she could ever recover from this.
I'm alone… no one cares about me… and no one will notice when I'm gone… what's holding you back, Jade? It's not like the galaxy is begging for you to think twice. And it's no more than I deserve…
Mara reached out, her fingers brushing the sharp blade, still marginally stained with the blood from her hand.
Do it…a voice whispered in her mind. You have no friends… and the one you do have will be disgusted with you now.
"No." Mara said aloud. "Luke took me in."
To keep you prisoner, caged like the wild animal you are! He wants nothing more than to keep you here to be his slave… just like Palpatine! He wants to slake his lusts upon you!
"Luke would never do that… he cares about me."
Does he really? And even if he did… how could he ever really love you now? Now that you've been defiled!
"I didn't ask for this!" Mara cried, weeping again.
And will that stay his look of disgust when he gets over the shock of what happened? Can he really look at you anymore without seeing what was lost? You have nothing left to offer to the man…
Mara picked up the blade with trembling fingers, gripping the handle in a white-knuckled grasp. When she held it horizontally, she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the smooth metal.
What an ugly thing you are, now, Jade. The voice taunted her. A pity, you were once such a breathtaking thing. But your beauty died with your virginity.
"No!" Mara hissed.
Yes! You are ugly and defiled both inside and out!
"No, Luke loves me, not for what I am, but who I am!"
And who are you Jade?
Mara had no answer for that one.
That's right. You are nobody. You keep yourself so shut off from the galaxy, it is no wonder no one cares.
"Luke…" Mara began, but the voice cut her off viciously.
Skywalker doesn't really love you; he just wants you to stay to feed his ego… to make himself feel better!
Mara shook her head, but her heart was wrenching. The thought of seeing Luke's pale blue eyes filled with scorn and loathing over her current state was too much.
She lifted the blade high above her, and the fading rays of sunlight glinted off the hard, uncaring metal.
00000
Luke laid his purchase on the counter; unable to shake a nagging feeling that something was wrong, he tapped distractedly at the counter with one finger. He sensed no danger in the immediate vicinity, but he'd been getting dark emotions from Mara for the last few minutes.
That's to be expected, considering. Luke thought.
"First time shopping at the boutique, Master Skywalker?" A Twilek sales associate asked him.
Luke nodded distractedly.
The blue-skinned woman rang up the order, and began to place the items in a sack. She eyed him suspiciously… almost jealously.
"I didn't know you had a girlfriend." She pouted.
Luke finally dragged his attention forward, raising a questioning eyebrow.
"So who is the lucky woman?" The sales-lady pressed. "Obviously it's not me."
Frustrated, and not in the mood to deal with this today, Luke raked his mind for something to say.
"I do have a sister, if you recall." He said a bit hotly. "Am I not allowed to buy her a gift?"
"Sure, if she were known to wear these kinds of clothes." The Twilek retorted, holding up the underwear Luke had discreetly picked up.
"How much do I owe?" Luke cut in, resisting the urge to grab the garments from the girl's hands and throw them into the bag.
She raised a suggestive brow.
"For the clothes." Luke gritted.
She named the price and Luke paid it. Finally, he irately grabbed the bag and hurried out of the store. Once he was well away from the depot, Luke calmed himself, allowing his resentment to dissipate into the air.
Upon arriving at the Imperial Palace, Luke took the turbolift to his floor, his previous feeling of unease growing. He walked to his door, eager to check on Mara.
He stepped across the threshold, and his heart froze in his chest as his eyes took in the scene in the room. Mara sat in the middle of the floor beside an upturned table with her back to him. If she'd heard him enter, she gave no indication. But it was the knife she had poised above her that jolted him out of his shock.
"Mara, no!" Luke cried desperately.
Dropping the bag, Luke leapt at her, and just as she started to bring the knife down, he tackled her. She cried out in angry surprise, and struggled to finish what she started, but Luke wrenched the weapon from her grasp and hurled it as far away as possible.
She pummeled him with her fists, knocking him off balance. Mara scrambled after the blade, her fingers scribbling furiously at it. Luke lurched forward, and managed to grab her legs, dragging her down with his weight.
"Stop it!" He pleaded with her, his heart pounding. "Mara, please stop!"
When she continued to fight him, Luke grabbed the knife with the Force, and hurled it into the kitchen, well out of her reach. She hesitated long enough for him to get her onto her back, and finally she did freeze, but the look in her eyes caused Luke to do a double-take. She was staring at him with wild fear: the same look she'd had when he'd come to her in the bedroom.
It was as if she was afraid he would attack her like the other man did.
Luke released his hold on her arms, slumping to the floor.
"What the hell were you thinking?" Luke demanded.
She looked away, not answering.
"No Mara, no deflecting the question this time. Why were you trying to kill yourself?"
Mara bit her trembling bottom lip. Luke wanted more than anything to take her into his arms again, but he refused. He needed to hear her reasons.
"Please, Mara, talk to me!" He whispered earnestly.
Mara remained silent, though she did inch away from him, drawing herself into a fetal position with her back to him.
He blew out a frustrated sigh. "I can't help you if you won't tell me what you need."
"I…" Mara began brokenly. "I'm… I'm worthless… defiled, ugly, and… I have absolutely nothing left!"
Luke stared at her in horror. "No. No, Mara! You are none of those things!"
He sat up and laid a tentative hand on her shoulder, but she cringed.
"The last part of myself that… that was really all mine… I was saving that… I don't… I don't know why… but at least there was something about Mara Jade to call clean." She continued. "Now… even that is gone!"
Luke listened, knowing she needed to get this off her chest.
"How am I going to move on, Luke?" Mara asked, though she refused to face him. Luke could feel shame and... guilt flowing from her. "How is anyone ever going to love me? How could they? There… there is nothing… left to love… nothing." Her last word was barely audible.
Luke shook his head, adamant. "Mara, you're wrong."
He gently laid his hand on her back, and this time she didn't shrug him off, but she still refused to meet his gaze.
"You are still very much worth loving!" Luke declared. "And you do have people that care about you."
"Who?" She sniffed. "It's impossible to make friends when one keeps herself shut off."
"Talon Karrde thinks very highly of you, I know that for a fact. And I hear good things about Master Trader Jade from various businesses." Luke replied. "And… you have me."
She turned her head at that, just slightly.
"Mara, you are without a doubt the best friend I have ever had." Luke continued. "Before you came into my life, my days were dull and essentially meaningless. After I met you, well, let's just say you burst through the monotony like a brilliant display of vibrant color."
He reached over to caress her cheek, and she turned her head away forlornly.
"Would you please look at me?" Luke beseeched her.
When she stubbornly refused, he shifted himself to lie in front of her, his face near hers. He placed two fingers beneath her chin, and lovingly lifted her face so he could see her eyes.
Finally her emerald gaze settled on his.
"Did you know that you have the most amazing eyes I have ever seen?" Luke whispered tenderly. "They are so bright and intelligent; they make suns quiver in awe."
Her lips quirked for a millisecond at his somewhat sappy critique, and Luke continued.
"I can't imagine a more vibrant and stunning cascade of hair than what you've been blessed with. And when you smile, I mean really smile… the galaxy is perfect for that one moment." He brushed a thumb over her soft lips. "You are everything to me, Mara. And don't you dare for even a second think that you are not worth loving."
She was weeping now, her eyes closing as she leaned into his touch.
"Hold me." Mara implored timidly, part of her certain the Jedi would reject the very idea.
She had no idea what depths that plea came from, but the moment he gathered her into his embrace, she knew it was the right place to be. She desperately longed for the warmth and security only Luke could bring her.
Mara burrowed herself into his side, pressing her body tightly into his, seeking his quiet reassurance. Luke held her with tender firmness, not judging, only loving.