CHAPTER 5 : DESIRES AND NIGHTMARES

Reginald wasted no time in setting his plan into action. He waited for opportunities when he knew that Arthur would be alone. He sent squires with messages for Merlin from Gaius. As he watched Merlin leave, he would then be granted admission to Arthur's chambers and have his whole and undivided attention.

He began to broaden his repertoire of stories, heavily balancing them with references to Ygraine's ability in the face of difficulties, her stoic resolution in the face of adversities and her endurance in the face of daily problems which were really beyond her but to which she felt unexplainable drawn. Using the example of a sick maidservant, he wove a long tale of Ygraine's involvement against the express wishes of her father. Arthur took it to heart and when Reginald mentioned that she had relied on no one but herself to arrive at a successful outcome, Arthur seemed impressed.

"She was mentally strong, truthful and loyal. She needed no one but herself to right wrongs making a difference in people's lives."

Arthur nodded engrossed with this new window of opportunity where he was learning more about his beloved mother.

Reginald continued, "She was a survivor, a tower of strength, making her own decisions and following them through to the end. She set her course and regardless of poor advice, was able to see the right path; she trusted herself and reached her, if you could call it destination." He had to separate Arthur from his knights and that damned manservant before he could put his plan into effect.

Arthur took this to heart. He could do the same. He was his mother's son, he had had ample training and from this day forth, he would make the decisions and have them carried out, regardless as to what others may think or say. There was a little question which kept raising its head, how could Reginald have so much information when as a child he had been made a ward of Lord Langdon…but he shoved it aside. He wanted to know his mother and he was determined to do so regardless of petty misgivings.

-0-0-

Merlin came bursting into the room. "It happened again Arthur, Gaius hadn't sent for me. Where are these squires getting these orders? I don't underst…" He skidded to a stop. Arthur was not alone and Merlin's most non-favourite person was seated across the table from Arthur.

Reginald turned glaring at him, tutting. He huffed to his maximum seated height and turned to Arthur with a look of expectation on his face. It blatantly said, 'He needs to apologise for bursting in and disturbing us. He is after all, a menial servant, I am an honoured guest.'

Before Arthur thought about Reginald's expression, he had already said, "Pay no attention to them, Merlin, we'll get to the bottom of it. Reginald has been keeping me company. He'll be staying for lunch so could you find Thomas and arrange that we have something to eat?"

Reginald shifted and sighed so, Arthur glanced at him and against his better judgement said, "Merlin, I believe you need to apologise for charging in without knocking and interrupted us." Reginald gave Arthur an approving nod.

Merlin felt as if the air had been sucked out of his lungs. Arthur expected him to apologise to this charlatan. He couldn't catch his breath.

Arthur's voice took on a more insisting tone as he said, "Merlin, we are waiting."

Merlin sought Arthur's eyes but the king wouldn't make contact with him. He thought, 'You and I will settle this tonight' as he took a deep breath and said, "Sire, I apologise for interrupting you!" Not waiting to see if the apology had been accepted he turned and left the room, thinking, 'Two can play this game, bring it on, Reginald.'

He had every confidence that he had Arthur on his side but he hadn't considered Reginald's determination.

-0-0-

He made the lunch arrangements and was returning to Arthur's and his chambers when he bumped into Leon. "Arthur asked me to tell that you may spend the remainder of the day with Gaius." Leon was obviously uncomfortable passing on Arthur's message. "He said that he would be busy with Reginald and he felt it was better if you were not there and that he would see you when he retired for the night. What's going on, Merlin? Arthur is making himself scarce, we hardly see him if he is not accompanied by that man and he has no time for us. It's not only me but the others are noticing it as well. Is he all right? He's becoming a different person."

Although Leon would be one of the knights whom Merlin would confide in and approach with a problem, he was not yet ready to discuss it. He said, "Gaius does need me and Arthur has been giving me some time off."

Leon watching Merlin's shoulders sag, felt that the message had had more of an effect on him that just being giving free time. He nodded, "You're all right then? You know that you can rely on my help if you have any problems."

Merlin gave a weak smile and said, "I'm perfectly all right, Leon, but thanks for the offer."

Leon nodded and walked away. He was not satisfied with Merlin's response and decided that maybe Spenser could enlighten him on what was happening between Arthur and Merlin. He knew that sometimes relationships go through a rough time but he hadn't picked up on any negativity until that darned Reginald had remained after the tournament and had started being seen more often with the king. He guessed he should trust Arthur as he was his monarch but he wasn't going to stand by and see Merlin upset. He had noticed that on many occasions that Merlin had had insight into situations way before the others and he intended to keep an eye on him as he was not his usual self either.

Unbeknownst to both parties involved Neville, Reginald's manservant had observed their meeting and the concerned look on Leon's face as he left. This would be information which he would make sure his brother received tonight.

Running up the stairs two at a time, Leon made his way to Spenser's chambers only to be told by his manservant that he had gone with Sir Romney to see the Squire Master. Leon had asked why but the man could only say that some of the squires had been acting up. Leon put two and two together guessing that the Squire Master had felt the young men would benefit with a visit by the two knights who were currently Squire Mentors. The manservant added, "Sir Leon, I expect Sir Spenser back at any time so should you wish, you could wait for him in his chamber. Have you had any lunch yet?"

Leon refused the offer telling him that he could just mention that he had dropped by, that it was nothing important and that he would catch Sir Spenser at another time.

Merlin was torn with going to Gaius's or returning to the chamber and having it out with Arthur. In recent memory, Arthur had never dealt so insensitively with him in the presence of another. Things seemed to be going from worse to worst, first having to assume a servant's position whenever Reginald was present and then having to apologise for his usual behaviour. He never knocked, for heaven's sake it was his own chamber door and he was still annoyed at receiving strange messages and then being ignored when he returned. Arthur was pushing him away and he didn't know if it was intentional or because his interest in Ygraine was claiming his every free minute.

He walked into Gaius's chambers, the man looked up and said, "Not again!"

It was the wrong thing to say and Merlin sat heavily on the bench in front of him saying, "No, this time it was intentional; Arthur doesn't want to see me until he's ready to retire."

Gaius looked surprised but didn't comment. These were two grown men and they should be able to sort out their differences without any intervention. However, looking at Merlin downcast and unhappy, he knew that given an opening he would quite happily have charged in and set Arthur right! He sighed then brightened up and said. "I think, Merlin, we need to wrap up warmly and wander into the woods, I've a craving for mushrooms and the cook dropped off a roast rabbit this morning and you and I are going to have a good meal together for old times."

Merlin looked up and gave a little grin. He knew he would spill his heart to Gaius and maybe the woods, far away from the castle was the ideal location for unburdening a heart.

The further they got away from the castle, the lighter Merlin's heart felt. It did him good to be with Gaius, who was neither demanding nor inquisitive, he didn't need to explain anything and just enjoyed the company as they searched for Gaius's favourite mushrooms, the egg-yellow canthrellus cibarius and the swollen based, brown capoletus endulis. Commonly know as the chanterelle and Penny Bun Bolete, they were plentiful in the woods of Camelot.

He remembered the time that Arthur had insisted accompanying him on one of his scavenging outings for specific herbs for Gaius; he had been useless bringing him all sorts of greenery which in no way resembled the examples which Merlin had given him.

On the way back, he had noticed mushrooms and Arthur had offered to pick some. Merlin had given him one mushroom, a chanterelle and he was supposed to find ones like that. It was hopeless as although it was egg yellow, Arthur had happily returned with a variety of mushrooms and even toadstools. His explanation that they all looked the same, which had Merlin asking him if a grey, a bay or a chestnut could be the same horse.

"Don't be silly, they are three very different colours, Merlin, even you should know that!"

Merlin held up a chanterelle and a wood blewit and asked, "Are these both grey or is one a bay?"

Finally Arthur caught on but instead of acknowledging his mistake he said, "Well, they're mushrooms...aren't they?"

"Arthur…and the colour…?"

"Well, the colours are different."

"Exactly and if you don't want to get violently sick and be surrounded by vomiting knights, I think we will have you only pick the yellow ones."

Arthur by then had lost interest in mushrooming and was more interested in Merlin's ears which he concluded were begging to be kissed.

Merlin gave up.

He remembered this now and smiled, Gaius who during the outing had been frequently glancing at Merlin, seeing that he was becoming more relaxed and like his old self, caught him smiling and looked enquiringly and Merlin told him the story of Arthur's first and subsequently last mushroom hunt.

He finished it by saying, "He's slipping away from me, Gaius, I can feel it. We are no loner as close. Whereas we could sit in comfortable silence, now it is no longer comfortable and we are looking for things to say."

Arthur saw them returning, Merlin chatting happily, carrying a basket full of mushrooms. For a second, he wished he was with them but then he remembered that at a private supper tonight, Reginald was going to tell him more about his mother.

-0-0-

Reginald had returned to his chamber after leaving Arthur with some council member. He was greeted by Neville full of the news that Leon and Merlin had been seen together obviously up to no good and probably planning against him.

"That boy doesn't have the brains in his head to plan." Reginald continued, "You missed something this morning. Arthur made him apologise as he had come bursting into the chamber without knocking and announcing himself. I wish you could have seen his face, he was shocked. I know that Arthur spoke to Leon but I was unable to hear what he had said as he walked into the antechamber to see him. I would think that the boy has gone off somewhere to lick his wounds."

"No, I saw him leaving the castle. He was with Gaius and carrying a basket maybe going for food. I heard that there is a stall on market days that sells smoked fish. That's one of your favourites, we could have it one day when we eat up here."

"Neville, I am not yet sitting at the king's table in the large dining hall but I would prefer the food they serve downstairs than eating smoked fish in my chamber with you and Sid. By the way, that boy is now a waste of space. He told me yesterday that the squires here receive pocket money in their last two years and he would be agreeable to that. Honestly, I think that I have created a monster from an abandoned kid. When we live here permanently, I'm going to send him packing… I'm only keeping him for appearance sake as it is."

-0-0-

Merlin sat in the physician's chamber enjoying the sound of the fat in a little iron pan cooking the mushrooms. The rabbit was warming near the fire. Merlin had searched Gaius's supplies and found some carrots and swedes which he had boiled in a pot over the fire. Once the mushrooms were almost ready, he would thrown in some walnuts he'd found today.

Gaius sat at the table and Merlin brought their pewter platters to the table. He sat down and Gaius after checking out his dish, lifted his goblet and said, "To old times!"

Merlin lifted his cider and said, "To friends…both old and new!" Gaius raised his goblet again but noticed that Merlin had stumbled over the word friends.

"So, what is in the offing for the king and his knights?" said Gaius picking up his spoon.

"Well, Arthur had talked about having his usual group hunt from the new hunting lodge. Plan was that we would stay there two nights and as he put it, have fun…but now…I don't know what will happen." He thought about it for a while and then added, "I don't know where his mind is half of the time. He isn't as open with us as he used to be. He doesn't even have much to say to Spenser. Gawaine is so annoyed with him that he won't even give him the time of day. Maybe Leon or Gielbert could get through to him but it is not my position to interfere, when apart from being rather distant he is still capable of running Camelot." Merlin finished his mouthful and said, "Has Geoffrey any more information about the de Bois family? It seems that leads are just petering out and Reginald is going ahead regardless."

Gaius looked at Merlin and decided to tell him of the Sir Mordecai situation and what he and Geoffrey had done hoping that the package sent might have some results. "Nothing as of yet," he said, "But we are not going to give up, if necessary we will send someone directly to Mordecai who might then interview both his manservant Roger and then precede up north to meet up with Mordecai's son Barric."

"I could go!" offered Merlin. "The way Arthur treats me at the moment, I'm not sure that he would even notice that I wasn't there."

"Get that out of your head. You belong beside Arthur even if at the moment it is a bit difficult, as when Reginald's house of cards comes tumbling down you are going to be there to pick up the pieces and help Arthur accept the fact that his trusted new friend was a fraud and the stories about Ygraine had been made up."

Merlin cleaned up after the meal and the two met sat in front of the fire chatting and discussing the contents of a book of magic which Geoffrey had found in the library and Gaius hadn't seen for some time.

"Geoffrey knows you do magic and he kept that secret all the years that Uther was on the war path?"

"Yes, Geoffrey was here way before Uther's purge and we had been friends even before that and just as Uther knew that I had been involved with magic so did Geoffrey. But the difference was that whereas Uther felt that I was no longer practising, Geoffrey knew that with some patients I still resorted to magic to get them through. He would put any books he found downstairs on one side and we built up a nice little collection, which you found but this one only turned up this week, so it is a pleasant surprise."

Merlin heard the sentries announce the hour and he knew that he had to return to Arthur. He said, "Thank you, Gaius, for putting up with my long face and moods today. I really enjoyed myself but now I must face Arthur."

"Go in there as if nothing has happened. Show him that you are still his Merlin and that you really love him. Don't argue about Reginald tonight even if he is the silent partner in the room. Just be yourself, I promise that Arthur will come around and time is on your side." Gaius got up and put his arm around Merlin's shoulders, "In a few months, this will all be a bad memory and he'll be back to his former self. We might have news from Mordecai and we can get down to the bottom of this mess."

"Good night, Gaius!" Merlin said as he turned to walk out the door but the closer he got to his and Arthur's chambers his footsteps lagged and became faltering. He thought, 'If he doesn't want me, I'm going to offer my services to Geoffrey as a messenger…' He reached the door, opened it and walked in…locking it behind him…

-0-0-

Arthur was sitting in front of the fire which Thomas has obviously lit. He glanced over his shoulder as he heard the inner bedchamber door being barred and said, "Ah, Merlin!" He made no reference to not having seen him since before lunch or his demanded apology.

Merlin crossed over and sat beside him on their upholstered double chair. Silently, remembering the years of staring into fires, at hunting trips to battles and also sitting in this room doing the same. Arthur lent back and stretched his arms across the back of the chair but made no obvious effort to touch Merlin.

After what seemed like ages, Arthur's arm slipped off the top of the chair and lay across Merlin's shoulders.

Without taking his eyes away from the fire he said, "I'm sorry!" Merlin just shifted closer to him but remained quiet. "This is your chamber as much as it is mine and there is no need for you to knock. I don't know what came over me, it was as if he was challenging me to put you in your place" Arthur's head dropped as he continued quietly, "…and I did as he wished."

Merlin still said nothing. He reached for Arthur's arm which was around his shoulders and brought his hand to his lips. He kissed it and held onto it. Arthur let his free hand find Merlin's knee and they sat quietly, questions racing through their minds, which neither wanted to ask.

Finally, Merlin said, "Arthur do you still want me with you? I'd understand if you would prefer that I left."

He could feel added pressure on his knee.

"No, I don't want you to go…" He dropped his head on Merlin's shoulder and sighed. They sat like that for another couple of minutes before Arthur spoke again, "I don't know what comes over me. My mind goes wild and all I want is Reginald and his stories. I'm scared that I'm going crazy."

"Arthur, I can assure you that you are as sane as the rest of us." Merlin refrained from giving advice. He would just agree with whatever Arthur said, unless it was going to be something absolutely stupid.

"I know that I am pulling away from all my friends and it hurts me to think of what you are going through but it is as if the man has a hold over me and at the moment I cannot shake it and I want to only hear him telling stories about my mother."

Merlin was tempted to jump in saying that that was exactly what they were stories made up by someone who had an ulterior motive which to this point in time had enabled him to get the undivided attention of the monarch whose head he was filling with fairy tales for some reason not yet known.

Merlin asked quietly, "Has he asked anything of you, yet?"

"No, just that I allow him to tell me about his mother Yvette and my mother."

Merlin wanted to mention the room change but he decided to pick his battles carefully.

"…he also mentioned that he would soon need to purchase some clothes for his manservant as he was not really suitably dressed for Camelot…"

'Here we go,' thought Merlin as Arthur glanced at him carefully.

Keeping his eyes on the hearth, Merlin waited. "So…" continued Arthur, "I told him that he might use the palace seamstresses to get his manservant and squire outfitted."

Merlin said neither aye nor nay…