CHAPTER 12 : SPOKEN FROM THE HEART

Arthur was exhausted; he'd spent the majority of the night hours awake and the remained dozing uncomfortably on the chair. He had expected to get back to his chambers before Gaius found him there but he knew that he could trust him not to tell Merlin. Anyway, he felt much happier than he had when he had first gone to bed and been unable to sleep. He was glad he's gone down there even if he had sneaked out by going through his private dining chamber so that he wouldn't disturb Thomas asleep in the manservant's room off the antechamber.

He thought about it, 'That was so juvenile, I'm the King of Camelot and I was sneaking around my own castle as a teenager would to see my best friend.' He shook his head. He felt so different than he had last night at supper. They had a long way to go but Merlin had said his name. He hadn't sounded negative, just as he used to if he woke in the night and realised that he was next to him. He was sure that with a little loving care, he'd be able to win him back.

First thing, he wanted to do today was see Romney. He told Thomas to send a page for him. He arrived shortly after looking haggard and half asleep. "What happened to you?" asked Arthur.

"I didn't sleep, I couldn't…Gaius dozed but my ears were straining so hard to hear if there was any trouble and then suddenly, the midwife called for Gaius and as he left the room, I heard a baby crying." He grinned from ear to ear, "Arthur, it was the most wonderful sound I have ever heard!"

Arthur smiled, "It would have been…a brand new baby boy, I hear?" Romney looked surprised. Arthur continued covering any confusion there might have been, "I saw Gaius this morning and he told me." He handed Romney a leather case and said, "This is from us…" He looked down slightly embarrassed and explained, "…Merlin and me for Mathilda."

"Arthur, you didn't have to …"

"I've had it a long time; Merlin insisted. He said that all new mothers should receive presents for the baby and according to Merlin something for themselves. Something to do with all their hard work… Go ahead open it!" He laughed as he said, "You can always pretend to be surprised when she opens it later on."

Romney really touched, carefully opened the leather case and saw a silver spoon, a gold coin and a gold filigree bangle. He said holding the bracelet, "It's lovely…Mathilda will be so excited. Thank you!"

"Have you got a name for the little one yet?"

"Well, not officially but we'd like to call him Rupert after Mathilda's father and then Nigel after my grandfather," said Romney shyly, this was all so new to him.

"Sir Rupert will be thrilled…a grandson named after him. I can just see it now, in twenty-one years, 'May I present to you, Sir Rupert of Montfieth.' Nice choice!"

"Not that I'm pushing it but the next boy will be Calder after my father. I know my mother would be very happy."

Arthur had to laugh, "Well, I wouldn't mention young Calder to Mathilda just yet. Anyway, the next one might be a girl."

"Well, then she'll be Hestor after my mother."

Arthur smiled thinking 'castles in the air' but he knew Lady Hestor would be thrilled to have a granddaughter named after her.

There was a knock at the door and Romney stood up to leave, "Thank you again for the gifts and, please tell Merlin that I know that Mathilda will be thrilled to receive them."

Arthur wondered how happy Merlin might be to see him later in the day

-0-0-

Late morning, he made his way down to the library to meet with Geofffrey and Gaius. He first wanted to hear what they had to say about the information brought back by Leon and Spenser. His mind kept prompting him to include Merlin. So he took a deep breath and said aloud, as if to prepare himself for the meeting, "Leon, Spenser and...Merlin."

He could tell by the looks on Geoffrey's and Gaius's faces that they were vindicated. They had concrete proof against Reginald's claim to be his first cousin. A flash of hatred for the man ran through him. How could he have hoodwinked him? What had he stupidly done in his life to have fallen for such a pack of lies? He felt mortified and later he would have to face the others who had gone out of their way to protect him by finding proof and Merlin…he caught his breath…and Merlin who had told him the truth from the beginning and whom he had treated shabbily.

-0-0-

He steeled himself and asked Gaius and Geoffrey to join him in the small council room after lunch. As he walked back upstairs with Gaius, he said offhandedly, "Is Merlin around today?"

"I left him sleeping; he got up for breakfast then crawled back to bed. Do you want him to attend the meeting?"

Arthur nodded and as a squire passed, asked him to notify Sirs Leon and Spenser that he wished to see them in the small council chamber after lunch. He then turned back to Gaius, "I also want Merlin to be present but I think I would like to meet him privately first as I know there are a few things to straighten out."

Gaius the wise man that he was, said, "Well, Arthur, I'm sure that he is still in my chambers and as I promised to visit Lady Mathilda today, I think that now would be a good time for my visit. Don't you?"

Arthur turned to the Court Physician and smiled, "Gaius, you are one person who can read me like a book."

"Just one thing, Arthur, be kind. Your behaviour before he left, confused him. He felt so alone and had only acted on his best intentions to save you from any pain and to keep you safe. He's a good chap and only has your best interests at heart."

Arthur smiled lovingly at Gaius, "...and why should I expect you to feel otherwise about Merlin? Even if he doesn't realise it, you and I are his most ardent fans. I promise I have no intention of hurting him, I've missed him too much and all I have to do is make sure that he knows that. I trust him; I know that he is one of the most forgiving people around, so although I might be a little worried, I hope that with time and patience he will forgive me and accept me back." Arthur smiled as he said, "Now go and visit the new baby, Romney is so excited and between you and me, thinks that having more might be a good idea."

Gaius laughed, "Maybe not the best thing to tell his wife the day after giving birth."

"I know, I told him. It's lovely seeing a baby so wanted isn't it, Gaius."

"Yes, Arthur, it reminds me of how excited your mother was when you were due to be born. Never doubt it, Arthur, that she really loved you and the look on her face when she first held you was one of the most beautiful I have ever seen. Now, go, ignore the babbling of this maudlin man and find Merlin."

Arthur stopped and said, "Wish me luck…!"

Gaius hugged him, "Arthur, you don't need luck…you have love!"

-0-0-

Merlin finally came to because his back hurt from lying on his uncomfortable cot for so long. He smiled sadly thinking of the comfortable mattress on Arthur's and his bed. He corrected himself…Arthur's bed! His heart warmed as he remembered his midnight visitor. It helped to think that Arthur didn't hate him. He knew that he wasn't home free yet; however in the game of life, he was on the right side of the goal post.

He got up and shivered, grabbing his dressing robe which was surprisingly lying across his bed; he wrapped himself in it and made his way down the stairs to the fire. He smiled; maybe Gaius had got it for him. It was no use for Arthur as it was not large enough. He swung the kettle over the flames and sat by the fire. Gaius was probably visiting Romney and Mathilda's baby. In his mind, he saw Gaius, Arthur and him sitting around a fire. Arthur holding a dying baby and his heart clenched. He was happy that the new baby was healthy but it hurt even after all these years.

Then he perked up, he had Treva. He'd get to visit him again today…and he had Arthur but who knew how that was going to work out.

Arthur actually tapped on the door before entering the court physician's chamber. He felt tight-chested and as if his head was in the clouds. His legs felt woolly and he held onto the door frame. He couldn't believe that he felt insecure. This was Merlin whom he would see and their love was strong, wasn't it? He knew that he really loved him and Merlin felt the same, didn't he?

Merlin heard the tap and froze. It must be a patient for Gaius as although his door was always unlocked to make sure that people could get in, most people had the courtesy to knock. He smiled about the number of occasions that Arthur would come charging in unannounced but that was then...

He reached for the kettle as he said over his shoulder, "Sorry, Gaius isn't here. You may take a seat, if you wish to wait for him." There was no response. He held his mug and carefully poured the boiled water over the tisane of camomile and mint. He turned and saw Arthur standing in the doorway. "That also applies to you…" he said quietly. Arthur approached the table and sat down and Merlin put the mug in front of him and picked up another one and after adding some of the same ingredients, again poured in boiling water and sat down opposite Arthur, without saying a word.

It wasn't compatible silence; it was full tension and guilt. Neither spoke. The guilt was tearing at Arthur, he raised his eyes but Merlin was steadily watching the steam that rose from his mug.

Arthur opened his mouth but then closed it again. Where did you start to explain, that your desire for some elusive information had been more important than the love of your life?

Sitting still, Merlin could hear Arthur's breathing, it was anything but relaxed. He remembered how Arthur had spent last night here, by his bedside. The silence was torture. He had nothing to apologise for! He wasn't in the wrong. Arthur had thrown him to one side. But then, he remembered the love he had for his mother, the certainty that until the day she died, she would always worry about him and pray that he was kept safe. It was that love which Arthur had been seeking. He couldn't blame him. Arthur might have been raised with all the fineries of a young prince but he Merlin, had something which Arthur would never have, even though he was poor and undeserving, he had grown up with a mother's love. He knew that when he was young, it was just a need which was fulfilled without any refusal but as he grew older he marvelled how a women could love to the extent that she did. She would have given everything, even her life for his and now as an adult he realised and cherished that fact.

He glanced up and caught Arthur looking at him and did the last thing which he would have ever expected. He burst out crying, he knew it was the stress yet he couldn't control his tears.

The effect which that had on Arthur would have been funny if not so serious. He looked at Merlin and two big tears rolled down his cheeks. He fought for his breath and only managed to gasp out a strangled, "Merlin..." He shook his head and tried again, "Merlin…I have been an utter fool! I should have listened to you; instead, I pushed you away. I can understand completely if you never want to have anything to do with me again but please, let me say that I am sorry for all the suffering I caused."

Merlin had finally stemmed his tears; he drew his sleeve across his face. He reached across the table and linked his fingers with Arthur's and held them there.

Arthur tried to explain to the best of his ability the high he had been on when Reginald had spoken of his mother. The anger he felt when Merlin truthfully tried to bring him back to earth, how the closer Merlin got to telling the truth, the further Arthur had pushed him away. "I knew I was doing wrong but I became addicted to the stories and the feeling which Reginald had elicited in me. To know about my mother's life as a child, to at last have someone fill in some of the blanks. Gaius was only able to tell me of my birth and the few minutes of life which we had together but that man had been able to show me that I was like her, we had the same interests…and it all turned out to be a lie.

"Merlin, I didn't want to hear that I was being lied to, I wanted to believe that I had found a link to my mother and in so doing jeopardised the most important relationship I have on earth. I was seeking among the dead what I already had found in the living." He dropped his head to the table and sobbed.

Standing up, Merlin tied his dressing robe tighter around himself and walked to the other side of the table. He stopped behind Arthur and put his hands on his shoulders, Arthur sat up and Merlin slid his arms around his neck to his chest and cradled Arthur's head back onto his own chest. He blew softly on the hair on the top of Arthur's head and felt a momentary surge of peace.

Arthur spun on the bench and taking both of Merlin's hands said, "Come back with me to our chamber. You no longer belong down here with Gaius. I need you with me!"

Smiling at his pleading, Merlin nodded, "But with one proviso, I stay in the manservant's chambers for the time being."

Arthur looked shocked, "But Merlin I want you close to me, in my bed, in my arms."

"If it is to be, that will come…but first, I want to get a few things straightened out in my head…and if I just jump in bed with you, I won't be able to think straight. Please, Arthur, grant me this little point."

Arthur felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under his feet. He was going to shake his head and be difficult; he had never taken rejection well. Nevertheless, he remembered the time he had spent convincing Merlin that he had fallen in love with him the first time and decided then and there, that if he had to do it again, he would! He certainly could…without any reservations…and if during that time he showed by his behaviour that he was mature and repentant, he was certain that Merlin would once again accept him.

Arthur stood, "Let's go back now. We're meeting with Geoffrey and the others after lunch. I'm almost looking forward to hearing what the three of you dug up."

…and so the King and his manservant walking side by side, made their way back to the royal chambers. They passed nobody so there was no need to explain any querying looks as to why the manservant was dressed in a dressing robe well after midday and why the King had a satisfied smile on his face.

-0-0-

The King and his now properly attired manservant made their way to the council room. As usual Leon was organised and the meeting went off well. He had kept a strict timeline of all the events with little supplementary notes on the history of the people interviewed and their connection to the de Bois and/or Sir Landon and Lady Elizabeth's families. Geoffrey nodded pleased with the man's abilities.

Spenser and Merlin added little titbits of information as he went along. They both spoke highly of Sir Mordecai, his manservant Roger and particularly Lady Annabella's family as well as the wonderful lady herself.

Spenser grinned, "Honestly, Arthur, I thought Merlin and she were enamoured with each other."

"She was in her eighties, Spenser, older even than my mother." There was a chuckle that went around the table before he continued. "But, Arthur, she was wonderful, her memory of the past was clear and concise and she was so patient as Spenser took notes. You would like her if you ever had the chance of meeting her."

Arthur couldn't take his eyes off Merlin, he was his old self.

Leon then spoke about their stay in Chertsey. "There is no love left in that village for Reginald. He's left a young son who lives there with the boy's grandparents. Hopefully the boy who supposedly looks like his father will mature into someone without his dubious morals. We can also if necessary track down some of the daughters of Lord Landon, seems they are all married and have moved away."

"I don't know that that will be necessary as we have a lot of information to get through," Geoffrey said. "Arthur, I think we should take our time before confronting Reginald."

Arthur said, "But I want to…"

"Listen, Arthur," said Leon, "We want to get rid of him as well." The others all nodded. "However, take your time, let him feel confident in the situation. Then when Geoffrey has a strong case all set out with the 't's' and the 'i's', crossed and dotted, you can ask to see him and in layman's terms 'Lower the Boom'!" Geoffrey and Gaius nodded.

Arthur finally said, "Agreed, I can see that it makes good sense and until then what we have found out is a secret, Right?"

Leon collected up all the papers for Geoffrey and handed them to him. Geoffrey and Gaius made their way back to their respective quarters. Spenser and Leon went to leave when Arthur said, "Would it be too much to expect you to come to supper in our private dining room? Bring Simon and Gawaine, 'Uncle' Rhylan can help Thomas serve."

They laughed about Uncle Rhylan and Spenser asked, "Has anyone seen Romney?"

"Saw him this morning, He's thrilled to be a father; the baby and Mathilda are doing well and by the way, Merlin, he thought the gifts were lovely." Merlin smiled, he'd had a real battle convincing Arthur that personal gifts were appropriate. He would have happily arranged for Romney to have had a cask of wine.

It was settled, they'd meet up for supper.

-0-0-

Merlin and Arthur were much more relaxed in the company of their friends; Gawaine sat on one side of Merlin and Arthur on the other. Arthur knew that Gawaine was watching him carefully, ready to whisk Merlin away at the slightest provocation. The group broke up with Arthur and Merlin returning to their chambers. Thomas had banked up the fire and the room was cosy. November would soon be upon them and the weather was certainly cooling down.

Arthur was feeling a little tense, he didn't want to say anything which would have Merlin high-tailing it to the manservant's chamber. Merlin sat in front of the fire, Arthur joining him but careful that they didn't touch.

"Tell me, Merlin, about Lady Annabella."

"Arthur she was amazing. Her current memory was practically non-existent but her long term memory was great. On good days, she became a fount of information. She had been a junior lady in waiting to Ygraine's mother, your grandmother. She remembered the adopted child Yvette and how she had left the house in disgrace when it was found out that she was pregnant. She never was a blood sister to Ygraine, more like a little companion during childhood. Reginald was born and placed as a newborn in the care of Sir Landon.

"I said on more than one occasion, 'Lady Annabella, you have a wonderful memory!' Merlin smiled shyly, "I can remember her saying, 'I do not, Young Man, ask me what I had for breakfast and I can't remember but I clearly remember things which happened years ago. Once day, it will happen to you, so I hope that you are living a wonderful life now as that is what you will remember when you are old like me.' " Merlin fell silent. He ducked his head and remained quiet for a moment and then said hesitantly, "I am aren't I, Arthur, living a wonderful life that I will remember when I am old and grey?"

"You, Merlin, are living a wonderful life! You have a certain man called Arthur, twisted around your little finger, ready to answer your every beck and call." They lapsed into companionable silence, sitting staring at the fire.

Merlin's voice broke into his reverie when he said, "Are you ready to retire?"

For a second, Arthur's heart leapt but looking at Merlin he realised that he was in manservant mode and waiting to help him disrobe. He stood there awkwardly controlling his arms as Merlin undid laces and buttons. He held his nightshirt over his head and Arthur raised his arms and it slid to his thighs.

Merlin had surprised himself by feeling quiet torn but he stood back giving him an appraising glance and said, "All right, ready for bed!" He walked over and removed the warming pans, waiting for Arthur to slip between the sheets. Before he could stop himself he had leant over and given Arthur a kiss on his forehead.

He stood up blushing. Arthur had controlled himself remarkably well as his body and heart were saying, 'Wrap your arms around him! Pull him into bed where he belongs!' and his mind was saying, 'Love him and respect his wishes…'

Arthur waited hoping Merlin might give a hint of an invitation maybe saying, 'If you need me, you know where I am.' However he didn't, he mentioned something about not barring the bedchamber door and escaped into the antechamber.

Merlin closed the door after him and stood perfectly still, leaving Arthur had been one of the more difficult things he had done but he knew he had a few things to work out in his own mind and their weakened relationship had no need of excess baggage in the way of future recriminations. Merlin finally moved to the cot in the manservant's room and tried to sleep.

Arthur also had a troubled sleep knowing that the one he truly loved was physically near yet, at the moment mentally so far away. He sighed as he thought, 'One day, Merlin, when you are ready, one day..!'