CHAPTER 18 : TO ME YOU ARE EVERYTHING

Arthur sat in front of the fire in his dressing robe, watching the embers sliding down into each other. They lay there being added to by the ones above until they fell in a myriad of sparks. He was mesmerised. He could hear Merlin pottering around the room and called over his shoulder, "What are you doing?"

"Getting things organised for our return home tomorrow."

"Don't bother! I've decided that we will spend another night here. It has finally cleared up and if it's a nice day tomorrow, we might as well stay put. Come and sit with me!"

Merlin shook out his damp doublet and pants to bring over to the fire. "I should have hung this up when I took it off. Hope it isn't ruined."

"Don't worry," said Arthur feeling magnanimous, "I'll buy you another."

"Arthur, I really only need something to cover myself, the style and quality of the material is of little importance. There is no need to waste money on clothes for me; you have been more than generous over the years.

"True," said Arthur, never one to argue when a free compliment was handed him. "But I do like to see you dressed in well-made, fitted clothes, seems a shame to hide your beauty under a bushel."

Merlin was by then standing behind his chair and had his arms around Arthur's neck, fiddling with the ties of his nightshirt. "Never, in my life have I ever walked around with a bushel basket on my head. You know, Love, you sometimes say the funniest things."

"No it's true, you are modest and shy, and you hide your very pleasing...physical attributes."

Merlin blushed even after all these years, his face gave it away whenever he was feeling uncomfortable. "Well, I don't think I do and as far as I can see, you are the one who enjoys my clothes much more than I do."

"That's the point, Merlin, you don't have to look at yourself but I do, so why not humour me and wear the best that money can buy? You have nothing to be ashamed of, you are beautifully built and I'd want to change nothing. Anyway, wearing expensive clothes can be explained to anyone who queries it as a command from the King for the royal manservant to be suitable dressed."

"But I have a worry that people will think that I am dressing beyond my station." He swung around the chair and ended up sitting beside Arthur with his legs on Arthur's lap, hands outstretched to the fire. Noticing it, he said, "I should be putting more logs on the fire."

Arthur held him back saying, "You'll spoil the cities living in the embers; look castles and cathedrals, homes suitable for royals and clerics and I do believe even a few hovels thrown in for good measure."

Merlin smiled and slipped down to sit facing the hearth at Arthur's feet but Arthur wasn't done as he continued, "What is your station, Merlin? Where do you fit in the grand scheme of things? You are the closest person to me in the world. I seek your opinion on everything and Sir Rupert and Leon both know that and have no problem with it. You are an extension of myself and as such, I'd sure look silly wearing a wonderful outfit but keeping one arm dressed in that blue ill-fitting tunic and an old leather jacket which you used to wear, not to mention a neckerchief!" He pulled Merlin's head back towards him so it was resting on his knees.

Merlin smiled. For some reason, when he was in this position, he couldn't concentrate on anything but the way Arthur's mouth moved as he watched him talk upside down. It used to drive Arthur crazy.

"Stop it, Merlin, you're doing it again, close your eyes and then you won't be distracted by my mouth.''

"Arthur Love," said Merlin spinning around to face him, "I have been distracted by your mouth since the day I first realised how I felt about you. It used to drive me batty. We'd stand face to face, you spouting off lists of chores or my helping you dress, all I could think was what it would be like to lean forward and gently place my lips against yours. Till the day I die, I will always be as you say…distracted by your mouth!"

Arthur shifted prior to standing up and Merlin rose from his knees, Arthur gave him his hand and led him to the bed saying, "Merlin, I think maybe there are other parts of the royal person which might also be of interest."

"Can't it wait?"

"Merlin! That's the least romantic thing that you have ever said to me."

Grinning the royal manservant said, "Well, go ahead, but when you burn your arse and legs on one of the warming pans, you'll be sorry you didn't…wait, that is."

Arthur spun him around and kissed him, "I give you permission to remove the warming pans and also put some wood on the fire. In the meantime, I will be waiting…"

"Arthur, you're all heart you know how to make someone feel so special." As Merlin walked away Arthur stood and looked at him thinking, 'Merlin, I wonder if you really understand how special you make me feel?'

Soon the only light in the room was the night candle on the table at the bottom of the bed. Merlin thought to himself, it was superfluous as even in the dark he knew every inch of Arthur's body. Then he remembered hitting his shin one night at home, as he tried to make his way to the water closet and decided that maybe the candle did have a use. It also enabled him to make out Arthur's face in the dark. He moved his hair off his forehead and smiled as Arthur wrinkled his nose as he accidentally touched it.

-0-0-

He was asleep and woke when Arthur touched him. He felt him running his fingers across the top of his head and then down his cheek to his neck. Merlin decided to play along and stayed perfectly still. It was nice being able to see if he could guess where else Arthur's fingers might go and how long he would be able to stay still.

Arthur's fingers ever so carefully caressed his neck. He was waiting for his lips to replace his fingers but they didn't. His fingers were so tentative and light. He realised that he was also tickling him with possibly a thread or a feather as something trailed after his fingers as they passed across his face. He was miles away when he came to suddenly, that was strange Arthur had never dribbled on his face before. It felt warm and made its way down into his ear. Suddenly, Arthur's fingers without increasing the pressure became exceptionally fast and Merlin let out a shriek and sat bolt upright.

Arthur moaned and Merlin didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Arthur wasn't even awake; his nightly visitor had not been an amorous Arthur. He slipped out of bed with his head on one side, he went into the water closet and taking a cloth tried to clear out his ear hole. This was disgusting. Mice lived in all homes but how many people had ever had a mouse pee in their ear. He started to giggle as he washed out his ear and his whole face, reminding himself to check the bed before he climbed into it.

Did he have something to tell Arthur and Treva tomorrow!

-0-0-

Their last full day in Yewdene dawned clear but chilly. They'd seen the boys well wrapped up going out with Randall and one of the other menservants. Arthur had invited Spenser and Simon to join Merlin and him as they made the circuit of the valley, visiting tenant farmers and lunching at the pub in the village.

The ride hadn't been strenuous but the warmth of the inn was very welcoming. The landlord was pleased to see Arthur and his men. He reminisced about the village's short time of crisis when Geoffrey's nephew Jules-Alain, Lord of Hartwich had been in residence.

Simon nodded, as a senior squire he had been in Arthur's party which had arrived to get everything straightened out. Merlin shook his head sadly as he remembered Gaetan, Jules-Alain's companion who had been savagely murdered.

As dusk approached, they walked the horses back to the manor house, planning to meet up again for supper.

Merlin and Arthur returned to their chambers, Thomas had the fires lit and clothes laid out on the bed for supper. "Sire, supper will be served in three hours."

"Thank you, Thomas, we can manage ourselves." Thomas once dismissed, bowed and retreated. He had friends below stairs and an evening with them would be agreeable. He only had to return to build up the fire and put the warming pans in the bed.

Merlin said, "Home sweet home! I didn't really enjoy thinking about Jules-Alain. He was a nasty cruel man." He helped Arthur off with his cloak and padded doublet. The room was warm and very relaxing. "Are you going to change for supper now?"

"No, I had a better idea." He walked over to Merlin and slipped his hands under his doublet, letting his hands snake around his waist. "I was on my best behaviour today," he said running his hand up and down Merlin's back causing him to lean into him, "I didn't crowd or touch you once."

"Yes, I was wondering if maybe you'd gone off me…"

"Merlin, that's not likely to happen as long as I have breath in my body."

Letting the doublet slip onto the floor behind him, Merlin reached for what he decided was a well earned kiss. Kisses received and given, Arthur slid his hands up Merlin's chest under his outer tunic, remembering the trouble he'd had convincing Merlin to dress for the season. He whispered in his ear, "Maybe, I prefer summer clothing; it is less restrictive and faster to remove."

Merlin lifted his arms allowing Arthur to slip it off and snuggled into the King wearing only his under tunic, a fine mix of wool and silk. Arthur let his lips wander across Merlin's and as he did this, the door opened and Treva followed by Henry burst into the chamber.

Arthur said sharply, "Don't you ever think of knocking?"

The boy's face fell; Arthur had never yelled at him before. Merlin saw the hurt look on Treva's face and said, "Come here, the two of you. Did you have a nice visit to the farm? It's lovely here isn't it? Sit by the fire and tell Arthur and me about your day."

The initial shock of being disturbed by the boys over, Arthur seeing how Merlin was remaining calm, threw him a dressing robe saying, "Merlin, if you had had this on you wouldn't have needed to cuddle into me to keep warm."

Merlin turned to him and gave him a warm loving, appreciative smile, thinking 'Wait until later, I owe you one. Thank you for being so understanding!'

The boys explained that they wouldn't be eating supper with them as they had been invited to eat in the manor house kitchens. They were both very excited about this as they had fallen under the spell of Bessie the cook. Merlin smiled almost envying the boys their supper down there.

The boys left each one receiving a hug from Merlin and a pat on the head from Arthur. They left smiling and happy in contrast to the reception they had received.

-0-0-

With full stomachs, two little warm bodies with sleepy minds, lay in bed watching the shadows of the flames. Treva said quietly, "Do you think Arthur was going to kiss Merlin? Is that why he was cross with me?"

"I don't know…it sort of looked like that."

Treva smiled, "I think they love each other!"

"I know!"

"They're best friends, they're nearly always with each other and they even go into battle together.

Henry added, "They eat together, they laugh together…they train together…"

"They play together, they hug each other…yes…they are in love with each other."

"That's good isn't it?" asked a serious Henry.

"Oh, yes!" said Treva.

"Then we are also in love because we do all those things together, except maybe the going into battle and the kissing." Henry's whole life revolved around Treva's.

But Treva really wasn't listening because he added, "I know that Merlin loves me and I love Merlin. Arthur loves me and I love Arthur…and then Merlin loves Arthur. That is the way it should be."

He rolled over toward the fire; little Lord Trevor Harold deVire who had tragically lost his whole family in the woods before finding Merlin, felt his heart brimming with love as he drifted off secure in the fact that both he and Merlin were loved.

-0-0-

Merlin laughed as he shut the door after the boys. It had been bound to happen one day. Luckily, they were only hugging but he was so proud of Arthur. He had felt sure that there was going to be tears after Arthur's outburst but the boys seemed all right and Arthur's mention of cuddling for warmth had been perfect. Merlin slipped off his dressing robe and made his way to Arthur in front of the fire and said, "I'm cold, may I have another cuddle?"

"I'm sorry, I frightened them. For a second, I couldn't remember what we had been doing before they charged in." He drew Merlin onto the chair and said seriously, "Merlin, I want you to explain to Treva when he is older, just how much we love each other. You'd be much better at it than I would. I'd get all tongue tied and he'd pick up on my insecurity and feel that it was something awful. I'd probably scar him for life."

Wrapping his arms around Arthur, Merlin laid of trail of kisses from the laces at the top of his tunic to his brow. "Arthur, he can probably already see how close we are. He'll just accept it but I promise that before someone else says anything negative to him, I will make sure that he understands as best he can. We'll just have to be a little more careful…"

"Did you lock the door, Merlin?

"Yes!"

"Good…!"

0-0-

Supper was excellent, just the four adults in a warm dining chamber with excellent service.

Merlin said, "The boys and Randall are having supper in the kitchens with Bess. They were so excited."

"I remember going to the kitchens with Gaius and I always got a treat."

"I always ate in the kitchen, well actually it was a kitchen-dining-living area and my bedroom," said Merlin.

Arthur smiled at the fond memories of staying in Ealdor with Hunith and sleeping with Merlin curled up on a rush mat in front of the fire. It surprised him how little space people needed to live happy lives. He said, "But it was clean, cleaner than you used to keep my chambers."

"Arthur, if you had wanted someone who really did a good job cleaning, you should have asked my mother to look after you and your rooms!"

The others laughed. Spenser saying, "That would have been funny, but it would have been good because when we were sleeping rough, she could have taken over the cooking."

Simon said, "I would have helped her as I quite enjoy cooking with Merlin. She probably knows more so I would really learn something."

Arthur grinned at Simon, true he did often help Merlin and in his own way he seemed quite capable. "That's a deal, the next time we go on an overnight excursion, you will be in charge of the cooking. I won't need you, Merlin, as Simon will take care of your duties."

Merlin said, just loud enough for them all to here, "Arthur, I believe, my expertise in other matters is also of importance."

Simon choked on his wine and Spenser slapped him across the back. Merlin just kept laughing and when finally silence returned, Arthur said, "Hold that thought, Merlin, until we retire."

Spenser looked across the table and smiled at Simon who lowered his eyes blushing.

"Arthur, what's the schedule for tomorrow?" said Spenser.

"Well, I'd like to get back to Camelot by say late-afternoon certainly before dusk. Depending on the weather, let's say leaving here mid-morning. Randall and the boys can leave slightly earlier with Thomas. The ponies hold us back a little and I don't want to rush them. We'll easily catch them up. I'd also like to make a stop near the rapids over by Corman Tor. The boys will enjoy it and if the farmer is still there be able to see his multi-horned northern sheep. It will make a break in the journey."

Merlin nodded, remembering the first time as an adult, he had seen the strange sheep. The trip home should be uneventful as Randall would look after the boys and the other adults could look after themselves. He hoped the weather would cooperate.

With winter snows, sometimes the roads were impassable, the knights would hole up wherever they were and wait for the snow to stop. Usually, reserves of food would see them through but he remembered a couple of occasions when the food had run out. The horses would eat any dried greenery or twigs above the snowline and some were quite competent at digging until they reached grass. It was not as stressful being at Yewdene, if the worse came to the worse, they would stay an extra day until the snow stopped and riders opened the road. The boys might have to leave their ponies and ride double with the adults, but he knew that would be no trouble, as for them it would be an adventure.

Spenser started to talk about the spring visits which Uthur had inaugurated. A system where all villages were visited by knights to ensure that the inhabitants had survived the winter and any losses to livestock and grain supplies would be taken care of.

Arthur looked serious, as after one really awful winter, frightening in fact, he and some of the squires had been sent off with knights and guards to check on a few northerly settlements. "It was a shock, whole villagers had been wiped out by starvation and the cold. Children frozen to death in their beds, we had to help with the burial details and for the longest time I couldn't think of a child without wanting to cry. Some villages were wiped off the map, many remote ones never resettled."

Merlin felt a shiver go up his back. He had experience one such cold snap in Ealdor and many of the youngsters and elderly people died. His mother and he put on all the clothes they owned and wrapped themselves in blankets and slept in front of the fire on his mother's thin mattress. The pond had frozen and only the brave made their way out of the village. Birds were falling dead from the trees yet as suddenly as the cold had come, the sun seemed to send its warmth and the snow began to melt.

Simon couldn't remember the Big Cold but Spenser did and he said that any pages with families in the castle slept with their parents all cuddled into one bed and the other pages were all doubled and trebled into other adults' beds. People got up very late and went to bed very early. The fires in the chambers only gave off minimal heat and to conserve wood, single people were expected to vacate their chambers to share with others. Regardless of all the precautions, children and the elderly died.

Arthur mentioned that Uther had insisted that he, his manservant Humphrey, Gaius and the king's own manservant stayed in the king's chambers. The castle schedule was ignored, the kitchens were the most popular place as it was warm and anyway by the time the food was delivered to various chambers it was cold so people used to muffle themselves up and trudge to the kitchens for food, warmth and company.

Spenser said, "Do you remember the guard Rob?

Arthur nodded, "He was the one found frozen in the corner where he had stood guard overnight, right? Piers said that when they moved him, he stayed upright just like a tree…"

Spenser laughed, "…and you believed my brother? He was one of the worst teases…he once told me that babies came from chamber pots and to always check before I peed in one!"

Merlin burst out laughing, the others followed as Simon said seriously, "They don't?" Arthur lost it and was bent over laughing. He really enjoyed Spenser and Simon's company.

"My dear Mother," continued Spenser, "Had to tell me otherwise, not too sure who was more embarrassed me or her…my Father had a little chat with Piers who then blamed me for being stupid for believing what he had said. I didn't know anything about babies, I just thought they appeared overnight…"

Merlin confided, "I always wanted my Mam to have a baby. It was a long time before I figured out why she didn't!"

Arthur had not said anything and Merlin feeling that mothers and babies were bringing back sad memories of his own mother, went to change the subject.

Arthur held up his hand, smiling and swore them all the secrecy before saying very seriously. "You know I was for all intents and purpose, raised by Gaius and I must have been about four when one of my nursemaids had a baby. I was enthralled with the little thing and that night before going to bed in the little room you used to use, Merlin. I begged Gaius to have a baby. I told him I didn't care if he had a boy or a girl, just that he had a baby, I wanted to be a brother to someone."

Merlin got up and walked to Arthur and put his arms around him, "Oh, Arthur, I would have been proud to have been your little brother."

"Me to…! said Simon. Spenser smiled at the three of them.

-0-0-

Returning to their chambers, Merlin locked the door. He knew he didn't want to be disturbed by young boys or menservants tonight.

Arthur stood before him and put his arms around him and held him carefully, lowering his head to rest on his shoulder and whispered, "You know what I said before about needing a brother... I know as a child, I would have been very proud to have had you as my little brother...but now…knowing you differently, I would never have been satisfied." Arthur's voice faltered as he said, "My love for you is so deep; I would have looked at you and have wanted to die, knowing that you could never be mine in that way." He moved his head to look into Merlin's eyes, "I need you...it would be agony to be anywhere near you and to know that we could never be together.

"You are within me. You live in my mind, my heart and my body. I wake lying beside you, watching you sleep. Hearing you yawn as you stretch, snuggling under the quilt hoping to get a few more minutes before the new day takes over. I fall asleep knowing that you are beside me and that I am safe…

"I can open my soul to you and know that you won't laugh at me or ever tell anyone the deepest thoughts I share with you; I feel secure trusting you with my desires and my fears."

He smiled and put out his hand leading Merlin to sit in front of the fire, "Hearing a sneeze across the courtyard and being able to smile and say, 'That's Merlin!' Hearing a thud accompanied by a huff as a body falls onto the compacted leaves while we're hunting and thinking, 'What did he fall over this time?' expecting you to get up and grin and ask why everyone has stopped.

"Seeing a figure in the distance either on horseback or on foot and knowing it is you coming to me. I stand by, realising the excitement in the eyes of the pages and the younger squires as you talk to them, seeing the admiration in the eyes of the senior squires as you acknowledge them. Marvelling at how you do not realise the love and respect which all the knights have for you. Merlin, not only me but the whole castle is captivated by you."

He again took Merlin's hand, "Hearing your footsteps as you enter our chamber; feeling your breath on my neck during the night; holding and comforting you after you'd had a nightmare…"

"Only the very bad ones," said Merlin with a grin.

Arthur smiled and nodded, "Waiting expectantly for your kiss, for your hand against mine, your body against mine...and your loving me... Feeling you shudder in anticipation; hearing you gasp and moan, giving yourself to me without any thought that I might cause you any pain or embarrass you."

He took Merlin's hand and led him to the bed. He reached behind him and pulled back the covers and was stopped by Merlin saying, "Arthur, the warming pans!"

He looked down sheepishly and said, "How to break the mood…"

"Don't worry Arthur, once I have them out you can go back to the 'feeling you shudder in anticipation' part!"

Arthur realised that it was a reaction like that which made living and loving Merlin so easy. He grinned that was another thing, Merlin's sense of humour. He seldom tried to find fault, took offence rarely and was willing and grateful to accept apologies.

The warming pans removed, the fire banked up for the night, Merlin walked around the bed and climbed in next to Arthur.

"Arthur, I would have been so happy to have had you as my older brother as I was growing up. It would have made life with the other children in the village a lot easier. My Mam wouldn't have worried so much as we would have been two against the world.

He took Arthur's hand and said, "But…not now that we are all grown up. This is where I want to be in my life; neither your brother nor your friend but yours completely." He took his hand and cuddled it against his chest and entwined his legs with Arthur's. "Me, Arthur…my whole being including my cold feet!"

Arthur pulled Merlin even closer to him saying, "Strong…brave…loyal…trustworthy and sexy!"

Merlin smiled and said, "Arthur, you don't have to say that…"

His love replied, "If not me…who?"

FINIS