Why couldn't he be like everyone else and believe she was dead? This would make...whatever this was so much easier. He wouldn't feel like he was some homewrecker every time Ryan gave him one of those smiles. One of those soft ones that used to be only reserved for Claire where now for him too. He wouldn't feel so bad about not wanting Ryan to let go after he gave him a random one armed hug.
But he did know, and that made him hate himself that much more. He knew he had to tell Ryan, Claire was his one love and he was being selfish keeping this man all to himself. He was trying to fill some fantasy he had built in his head but that was never going to happen. It didn't matter if Claire really was dead, Ryan could never love him the way he needed. His heart was split between two loves.
Mike sighed and ran a hand over his tired eyes before starring at the folder in front of him. All these people killed in one tiny bookshop. He knew there wouldn't be much sleep for him tonight, or any of the following nights, not until they found Carroll and all of his little groupie and made sure they were behind bars. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back, he was sure to have grey hair by the end of the week. Joe Carroll and his nut jobs killing everyone plus the guilt of knowing about Claire and you have a ticking time bomb.
"Long night?" A familiar voice came from behind him and rested their hands on his shoulders. To an outsider it would look like a friend just checking on another. But he wasn't an outsider, and he knew what kind of promise those words and hands on him meant.
"Yeah, I think we're gonna have to do a raincheck." Mike answered not looking at the older man who was now staring at him with worry and fear.
"Everything alright?" Ryan asked sitting in the chair beside him. Mike nodded and put his face in his hands.
"Yeah, just stress. No biggie." He offered a small smile at the end in hopes it would reassure his friend but Ryan was smarter than he gave him credit for.
"Why don't we try this again? What's on your mind Mike?" Ryan was closer now, his breath ghosting over the younger man's neck. This wasn't fair, but when did Ryan ever play fair with anyone?
"I can't tell you." Mike murmured causing Ryan to frown.
"Why not?" He asked placing a kiss just under Mike's left ear. A sharp intake of breath was heard and Ryan smirked a bit to himself.
"You're gonna be so mad when you find out." Mike really wished he would drop the topic but he knew that wasn't going to happen anytime soon.
"Try me." Ryan said wrapping an arm around him so the younger man was leaning against his chest.
"I lied to you, I lied a lot actually." He said tilting his head back to gauge Ryan's reaction. His face was blank but he nodded signaling for Mike to continue. "Only to protect said person though, I didn't do it to hurt anyone." Ryan said and shook his head.
"Just tell me kid." This wasn't good, Ryan only called him kid if he was really pissed off and just tired of his antics. Probably both right now since he had just confessed he lied and was now stalling.
"When you woke up from surgery...you asked me about Claire." Ryan's arms around him tightened and he didn't know if that was a good or bad thing.
"What about her?" His voice was rough, Mike knew this wasn't going to end well. Ryan was probably going to push him off, hit him a few times and tell him to rot in hell or something like that.
"She didn't die Ryan." He held his breath, waiting for the fist in his face but it never came. In fact Ryan didn't move at all, he was still sitting there with Mike leaning against his chair.
"I already knew." His voice was hollow and it sounded like there might be a hint of tears in his voice.
"Wait, you knew?" He said standing and regarding the older man with anger now. Ryan fucking knew Claire was alive all this time and he strung him along?
"I saw them helping her off the cart, I knew she wasn't dead. How did you know?" Ryan wasn't acting any different at all, in fact he seemed perfectly calm about the whole thing while Mike was freaking out on the inside.
"...I convinced her to go into witness protection." Ryan nodded but didn't say anything. "Why didn't you say something sooner if you knew? I'd figured you'd be going for her the first chance you got." The last part came out a little harsher than he meant to. Ryan stood and walked over standing directly in front of him hands in his pockets.
"Why didn't you say anything Mike?" He countered and Mike found himself at a loss for words, what the hell was he supposed to say now?
"Ryan I couldn't, you know I couldn't." Ryan just smiled and shook his head.
"That's cute, I know you aren't supposed to but you would have told me. So what's the real reason you didn't tell me?" Mike bit his lip and looked anywhere but at the man standing in front of him. "Well?" He asked raising an eyebrow.
"Because I know you would go after her the first chance you got. I didn't want to be sidelined by her but that was stupid of me. You love her, of course you're going to go after her." Ryan's hand slipped under his chin so Mike's head was forced up his eyes meeting Ryan's.
"God you're an idiot." He said before bending down and connecting their lips. Mike's hands tangled into Ryan's jacket, hoping that will somehow prevent the older man from moving away from him. Ryan's mouth moved lower biting and licking bright red marks against Mike's neck, he pulled away with a self assured smirk while Mike was sure his face could rival that of a stoned teen kid.
"I don't understand." He said shaking his head.
"Mike I could've gone after Claire all this time, why do you think I didn't?" Ryan's eyes holding amusement.
"You didn't wanna die?" Ryan chuckled and shook his head.
"I didn't want to, I'm perfectly happy where I am." He said wrapping a hand around the back of Mike's neck and playing with the hairs at the base of it.
"But you love Claire." Mike was trying to make sense of this, he really was. But for the past 8 years it's been all about Claire, now all of a sudden it's him that's captured Ryan Hardy's interest?
"And I love you too Mike. Claire and I are never gonna happen. But you and me Mike, this is us right now. It's been you from the first day, it'll always be you." He whispered in Mike's ear before kissing him tenderly.
"I'm sorry Ryan, I should've told you." Ryan shook his head and kissed the top of Mike's head.
"You were right not to, now let's get out of here. I'm exhausted and from the looks of it so are you." Mike smiled up at him and laced his hand through Ryan's.
"It'll always be you Ryan."